Until then I leave you with a bit of the awesomeness that recovery has made possible in my life. This is take number 7. I couldn't hold the phone still during the previous tries because I was laughing :)
Pump up the volume for the full effect!
Tuesday, December 22, 2015
I win Christmas
Today, I have 9 years clean. Woop! I'll have more to say about that topic at another time.
Until then I leave you with a bit of the awesomeness that recovery has made possible in my life. This is take number 7. I couldn't hold the phone still during the previous tries because I was laughing :)
Pump up the volume for the full effect!
Until then I leave you with a bit of the awesomeness that recovery has made possible in my life. This is take number 7. I couldn't hold the phone still during the previous tries because I was laughing :)
Pump up the volume for the full effect!
Friday, December 4, 2015
I miss your face
I miss you.
I miss your face.
Your drive.
Your mind.
I miss our banter.
I miss your voice.
Your laugh.
Your squeal.
Your smile.
The little twitches when you fall asleep.
The look on your face when you're concentrating.
The lip.
That rump.
It's not every day...
There are now, finally, stretches of time when I don't think of you at all. Then, all of a sudden, a feeling comes rushing back to me and I'm drawn back into the warm embrace of what was. Yes, it's the past and what was will probably never be again, but oh how amazing that feeling can be.
I don't know if I ever told you, but you made me want to be better. Not just want... being with you forced me to be better. Little things and big life things. Grammar, spelling, and vocabulary hah I will forever judge all digital messaging by the standard you set. I learned to listen (although you may have felt otherwise). I made time to watch and read both sides of the news. Professionally I strove to do new things because you strove to do bigger things. I haven't stopped doing any of these things. I do them because they are a part of me now... you put them there.
Thank you.
That is all.
:insert music with some vague meaning::
I miss your face.
Your drive.
Your mind.
I miss our banter.
I miss your voice.
Your laugh.
Your squeal.
Your smile.
The little twitches when you fall asleep.
The look on your face when you're concentrating.
The lip.
That rump.
It's not every day...
There are now, finally, stretches of time when I don't think of you at all. Then, all of a sudden, a feeling comes rushing back to me and I'm drawn back into the warm embrace of what was. Yes, it's the past and what was will probably never be again, but oh how amazing that feeling can be.
I don't know if I ever told you, but you made me want to be better. Not just want... being with you forced me to be better. Little things and big life things. Grammar, spelling, and vocabulary hah I will forever judge all digital messaging by the standard you set. I learned to listen (although you may have felt otherwise). I made time to watch and read both sides of the news. Professionally I strove to do new things because you strove to do bigger things. I haven't stopped doing any of these things. I do them because they are a part of me now... you put them there.
Thank you.
That is all.
:insert music with some vague meaning::
Tuesday, November 17, 2015
Saturday, October 24, 2015
Bipolar
Not really
::edit:: blogger's Safari user interface kiiinnnda sucks so excuse the kindergarten formatting
Well maybe
Hah
::edit:: blogger's Safari user interface kiiinnnda sucks so excuse the kindergarten formatting
Saturday, October 17, 2015
Monday, October 5, 2015
RIP Stephanie
My friend's sister overdosed Thursday. She was 28 years old. She leaves behind a child who is old enough to understand that her mother is dead, but not to understand why... Stephanie may be in a better place now, but all that child knows is that her mother is gone and will never be seen again. She leaves behind a devastated family who is now desperately scrambling to figure out how to pay for funeral services and cremation. She leaves behind friends who loved her. A sister who adored her. A niece who worshiped her.
Worst of all she leaves behind the hope of so many loving hearts that believed she would eventually see the better path and find that new way to live. These are selfish desires that we have for those who are struggling / drowning in despair and hopelessness. We hope that you, the addict caught up in active addiction, will believe us that there is another way to live. It's a better way. You don't ever have to use again. It's not a lie. It's not just something that we say. It's the whole truth.
Repeat after me: It works if you work it. God's got you. Don't give up.
Worst of all she leaves behind the hope of so many loving hearts that believed she would eventually see the better path and find that new way to live. These are selfish desires that we have for those who are struggling / drowning in despair and hopelessness. We hope that you, the addict caught up in active addiction, will believe us that there is another way to live. It's a better way. You don't ever have to use again. It's not a lie. It's not just something that we say. It's the whole truth.
Repeat after me: It works if you work it. God's got you. Don't give up.
Tuesday, September 29, 2015
Alive
“When we stop living in the here and now, our problems become magnified unreasonably.”
Basic Text, p. 99
––––=––––
“Just for today”—it’s a comforting thought. If we try to live in
the past, we may find ourselves torn by painful, disquieting memories.
The lessons of our using are not the teachers we seek for recovery.
Living in tomorrow
means moving in with fear. We cannot see the shape of the secret
future, and uncertainty brings worry. Our lives look overwhelming when
we lose the focus of today.
Living in the moment offers freedom. In this moment, we know
that we are safe. We are not using, and we have everything we need.
What’s more, life is happening in the here and now. The past is gone
and the future has yet to arrive; our worrying won’t change any of it.
Today, we can enjoy our recovery, this very minute.
––––=––––
Just for today: I will stay in the here and now. Today—this moment—I am free.
Sometimes the feeling only lasts a few minutes and at others the feeling can last for a day or two. Regardless of how long it lasts for me or you, try not to forget how amazing it is to feel this way.
We are free.
We are loved.
We are happy.
We are content.
... in these moments... when it's 70 degrees out and 88 degrees in the pool hah
Thursday, September 24, 2015
Obama, The Pope, and Pearl Jam...
No, silly rabbit. The title is not the beginning of a joke. They are all in NYC over the next few days. God save those who commute from the burbs during the work week. I'm told that anything around the UN including the 1st Ave AND the FDR is banned from vehicular traffic. Get your walking shoes on folks.
The Pope had some interesting things to say this afternoon. I'm fully aware that everyone doesn't agree with everything the guy had to say. If you read the linked transcript you'll see that he doesn't claim to know how to accomplish everything he proposed, but I really like the theme of not giving up. He says that these are difficult times and the resolutions to our problems are going to be complex, but he encourages us not to give up and continue trying. I really like that. Nice job, Frank.
I'm going to the Global Citizens Festival on Saturday... mainly for Pearl Jam, but the others should be okay too ;) I hope Jay Z comes out while Beyonce is doing her set. I doubt that's going to happen, but I can dream. Coldplay and Big Ed are a mixed bag for me. If I get a good night's sleep Friday then I'll enjoy them. If not a lot of their music is going to make me want to take a nap. I haven't seen Pearl Jam since July, 2003. That was a really good show: Once, Dissident, Corduroy, Present Tense, Given To Fly, Porch, Daughter, Alive, Hunger Strike, and Yellow Ledbetter. I hope to hear Black and Garden this time around... they can throw in Oceans, Deep, and Release too :) Oh and I also get to listen to celebrities educate me about what I should to doing to resolve global poverty. Meh
::insert pearl jam video at some point::
Monday, September 21, 2015
So things started well...
Friday night I went to see a band named Helmet with some peeps. Helmet was a pretty popular "metal" band in the 90s. Not metal like Metallica. More like Fugazzi. It was interesting to learn that only the lead singer is an original member. Apparently their only area shows were on LI and somewhere in NJ which explains why this place was packed out. The show was great. The guys played tight so the songs were pretty spot on. Drummer and bassist were amazing. During the break I went to the bar to get a round of drinks (mostly waters hah) and someone calls my name. I turn around and it's 2 guys I haven't seen in 10+ years. They are step brothers. One of them looks great and the other one is pretty banged up. We chat for a while and all the banged up brother does is talk about the past. I felt bad for him. He moved to AZ and sold drugs for awhile. Got locked up a few times and now he's back in NY. Supposedly there is a National Geographic documentary about him and his friends called "Raving Arizona." I haven't watched it yet. We talk about the rest of the group... some have died, some are in jail, others are MIA. Eventually the music starts again, we ask a random to take a picture of us, and I head back to my group. Banged up brother heads back to the bar. Glad that's not my life anymore. The second half of the show had a few songs that I didn't know so we spent some time people watching the 300-400 that had gathered in the place. This was an eclectic group of characters. Some were stuck in the grunge 90's with flannels tied around their waist and jean jackets. There were lots of bearded folk with black rimmed glasses and tats as well as a few pin up girls in polka dot dresses. Lots of bald heads hah and a few who had gone gray. Most were around my age although there were a few groups of teenagers (it was an 18+ show). Regardless it seemed like at least half the crowd actually knew the songs and sung along (which I love). I'm really glad we went.
Saturday was spent lounging around the house. I had some people over and we went in the pool. This may have been the last weekend with 80 degree weather this year booo. Saturday night was Addicts in Adventureland! Games, bumper cars and yoga pants galore! There were also a lot of strollers hah. Adam and John with kids in tow. It was a sight to behold. To top it all off Rob is back from California so afterwards we went for food and spent time catching up. I got home around 4 in the morning and was riding a pink cloud. Then I made the mistake that ruined my night.
I went on Facebook to look at the Adventureland pictures that people had posted of the night and at some point I searched for my ex. Believe me when I tell you that, for my own sanity, I try not to do this more than once every two weeks. My cheating, the first break up, the next few go arounds, and the very end are all in previous posts if you just stumbled upon this and are looking for background info. Anyway she put up a new picture. She looks happy. At first I think, "Good for her. So am I"... and then I saw the ring. She's wearing a diamond ring. I almost threw up in my bed. My stomach went crazy and I spent the next 2 hours in the bathroom. Meh. I finally fell asleep only to wake up early having to repeat the process. Sunday was literally a shit show! I was exhausted from a lack of sleep and I didn't eat a thing all day. Thankfully I spent time with a friend that afternoon and she cheered me up. After she left I planned to go to bed early, but John came over around 9 to pick up juice. Shortly thereafter Robby showed up. (I'm not sure how I feel about these unannounced visitors hah). Since they were both there I told them what I did and how it affected me. They could relate. Apparently I'm not the only one who has done this with ill effects. I don't really know why I do it. It makes no sense to do it. Anyway, I guess one of us had to get engaged eventually. I'm actually really surprised that it happened so soon. I would have preferred it was me first hah, but I'm happy for her.
My belly still isn't right today, but I am able to smile. Thank God for the people in my life. All I have to do is remember the guy I ran into at the show on Friday. He reminds me that my life doesn't have to be this good. I'm grateful that it is... most of the time. Sigh.
Saturday was spent lounging around the house. I had some people over and we went in the pool. This may have been the last weekend with 80 degree weather this year booo. Saturday night was Addicts in Adventureland! Games, bumper cars and yoga pants galore! There were also a lot of strollers hah. Adam and John with kids in tow. It was a sight to behold. To top it all off Rob is back from California so afterwards we went for food and spent time catching up. I got home around 4 in the morning and was riding a pink cloud. Then I made the mistake that ruined my night.
I went on Facebook to look at the Adventureland pictures that people had posted of the night and at some point I searched for my ex. Believe me when I tell you that, for my own sanity, I try not to do this more than once every two weeks. My cheating, the first break up, the next few go arounds, and the very end are all in previous posts if you just stumbled upon this and are looking for background info. Anyway she put up a new picture. She looks happy. At first I think, "Good for her. So am I"... and then I saw the ring. She's wearing a diamond ring. I almost threw up in my bed. My stomach went crazy and I spent the next 2 hours in the bathroom. Meh. I finally fell asleep only to wake up early having to repeat the process. Sunday was literally a shit show! I was exhausted from a lack of sleep and I didn't eat a thing all day. Thankfully I spent time with a friend that afternoon and she cheered me up. After she left I planned to go to bed early, but John came over around 9 to pick up juice. Shortly thereafter Robby showed up. (I'm not sure how I feel about these unannounced visitors hah). Since they were both there I told them what I did and how it affected me. They could relate. Apparently I'm not the only one who has done this with ill effects. I don't really know why I do it. It makes no sense to do it. Anyway, I guess one of us had to get engaged eventually. I'm actually really surprised that it happened so soon. I would have preferred it was me first hah, but I'm happy for her.
My belly still isn't right today, but I am able to smile. Thank God for the people in my life. All I have to do is remember the guy I ran into at the show on Friday. He reminds me that my life doesn't have to be this good. I'm grateful that it is... most of the time. Sigh.
Friday, September 18, 2015
He's gone too far
I can't believe that they wouldn't combine the shipping considering I bought all 3 :(
Oh Donald. You've gone too far this time!
Thursday, September 17, 2015
Flowers?!
Flowers? Drapes? Bushes? Curtains? Trees? Blinds?
No way! Who needs 'em?!!
Ok, maybe a few pull down shades.
No way! Who needs 'em?!!
Ok, maybe a few pull down shades.
Friday, September 11, 2015
The home stretch
I spent my first 2 weeks in the new house. There are still a ton of small things to do, but 90% of the mess is out of the way. It's interesting being in a new place. Everything is a new routine. There is also a lot more walking to do if you accidentally leave something somewhere. TVs and surround sound in and out make it fun. I've gone in the pool everyday that it wasn't raining since I've been staying here. I love it.
Some observations:
The inside of my house is as empty as the scene in the movie boiler room when they are watching the movie Wall Street.
Houses make noise. These are new noises (to me). I'm not used to them and some of them bugged me out the first night. What is that humming? What was that click / creak?
Everything can not stay new and perfect forever. If I scuff or smudge the hardwood floor I find myself grabbing windex and paper towels.
The range top will not work unless you remember to turn the gas valve back on. Also, be aware that air will need to purge from the line before anything can light. Do not fear the delay. Use your nose to check for gas smells.
The oven in newer ranges do not have pilot lights. The internet isn't very helpful in letting you know this. You might spend 45 minutes googling something unnecessarily.... :/
People are dirty. I had family over Sunday and friends over on Monday. I was swiffering the floors like every 2 hours and changing garbage bags every 20 - 30 minutes. I have 3 huge garbage cans and they couldn't fit all the bags.
With that said, paper plates and plastic cups / utensils are your friend when hosting larger groups.
There are a lot of windows to clean and doing the outside of second floor windows seems like it's going to a problem. I mean, how do people accomplish this? I'll have to google a solution hah
4 bathrooms require a lot of toilet paper. I need to keep checking them to make sure none have run out. It's kind of gross when you think about it meh
Swiffers are over rated. Standard, wet dry, and wet jet... If you try to go cross grain on wood floors its a failure. I may have to get an actual wet mop sort of deal. Booooo
I will need a vacuum. It's inevitable. You can't sweep bedroom carpets.
An 88 degree pool is delicious. I highly recommend it. Just walk right in :)
Having 2 refrigerators is the way to go.
Having a new mattress is heaven.
Always 4 pillows on a bed.
G-raf is happy in his new crib. I prefer the outside portion.
Refrigerator magnets do not work on appliances that are actually stainless steel :(
::EDIT:: I started writing this post a few days ago. Since today is 9/11 I thought it would be appropriate to post a few things in remembrance of what happened in 2011::
Chase the rainbow: http://www.usatoday.com/story/news/nation-now/2015/09/10/photos-rainbow-appears-world-trade-center-eve-911-anniversary/72043352/
Don't forget to smile.
Some observations:
The inside of my house is as empty as the scene in the movie boiler room when they are watching the movie Wall Street.
Houses make noise. These are new noises (to me). I'm not used to them and some of them bugged me out the first night. What is that humming? What was that click / creak?
Everything can not stay new and perfect forever. If I scuff or smudge the hardwood floor I find myself grabbing windex and paper towels.
The range top will not work unless you remember to turn the gas valve back on. Also, be aware that air will need to purge from the line before anything can light. Do not fear the delay. Use your nose to check for gas smells.
The oven in newer ranges do not have pilot lights. The internet isn't very helpful in letting you know this. You might spend 45 minutes googling something unnecessarily.... :/
People are dirty. I had family over Sunday and friends over on Monday. I was swiffering the floors like every 2 hours and changing garbage bags every 20 - 30 minutes. I have 3 huge garbage cans and they couldn't fit all the bags.
With that said, paper plates and plastic cups / utensils are your friend when hosting larger groups.
There are a lot of windows to clean and doing the outside of second floor windows seems like it's going to a problem. I mean, how do people accomplish this? I'll have to google a solution hah
4 bathrooms require a lot of toilet paper. I need to keep checking them to make sure none have run out. It's kind of gross when you think about it meh
Swiffers are over rated. Standard, wet dry, and wet jet... If you try to go cross grain on wood floors its a failure. I may have to get an actual wet mop sort of deal. Booooo
I will need a vacuum. It's inevitable. You can't sweep bedroom carpets.
An 88 degree pool is delicious. I highly recommend it. Just walk right in :)
Having 2 refrigerators is the way to go.
Having a new mattress is heaven.
Always 4 pillows on a bed.
G-raf is happy in his new crib. I prefer the outside portion.
Refrigerator magnets do not work on appliances that are actually stainless steel :(
::EDIT:: I started writing this post a few days ago. Since today is 9/11 I thought it would be appropriate to post a few things in remembrance of what happened in 2011::
Chase the rainbow: http://www.usatoday.com/story/news/nation-now/2015/09/10/photos-rainbow-appears-world-trade-center-eve-911-anniversary/72043352/
Don't forget to smile.
Thursday, August 20, 2015
Worst diet ever
Diverticulitis for weight loss: 2 out of 10
I do not recommend using diverticulitis for weight loss. It's effectiveness is not in question. You will lose weight. Unfortunately, you will also be hospitalized, have pain, and be forced to deal with a limited menu upon your release. While most weight loss plans have a limited menu, diverticulitis is even more limiting than most. Images - click here - not for the faint of heart
Days 1-6: You will be hospitalized. You will be in pain. Real pain, not ibuprofen pain. They will give you opiates. You will gladly accept them. You will not want to eat or drink anything which is good because you will not be allowed to anyway. You will be started on an IV drip of approximately 1 gallon of fluids and a half dozen antibiotics per day. At around day 4 or 5 you will want water, ice chips, something to wet your mouth and throat. You will be denied these things. Friends and family will visit often and offer to bring you contraband such as food and vape stuff. You decline the food and happily vape on the low. You will be caught vaping by the nurses. They will not narc.
Days 7 and 8: You will remain hospitalized. You will no longer need pain killers. You will feel as though you were in a fight a few days ago. You will ache. You will now be allowed ice chips and clear liquids. You will be surprised that you're still pooping out stuff here and there even though you have not consumed any solids for a week. You might give your number to a cute RN named Sara.
Day 9: You will be released from the hospital with scripts for antibiotics. You will be instructed to limit your diet to liquids and low residue foods. You will be warned to drink lots of water. You will not want to be constipated. You will look forward to bananas and scrambled eggs. You will immediately go eat 4 scrambled eggs and 3 pieces of white toast. Hours later you will realize that this was a mistake. The pain will return. You will consider going back to the hospital. You will shit blood. You will call the doctor. You will be reminded of the dietary restrictions and cautioned to eat light. You will shit again. There will be no blood. You will relax a bit. You decide to make a food schedule.
Day 10-16: Your diet will drastically change. You will drink about one gallon of water per day. You will also start consuming meal replacement shakes. I recommend lean body over muscle milk. The only flavor that I look forward to is chocolate ::edit - and cookies n cream - edit::. You will have one for breakfast around 8AM and one for lunch around 1PM. You will have a banana around 10AM and a second around 3PM. You will attempt to eat dinner between 6PM and 8PM. It will consist of half an egg sandwich or a turkey and white american cheese sandwich. They will be on toasted white bread. You will not eat a roll. You will attempt to eat the whole sandwich a few times and regret it hours later. You will stop doing this. In a pinch you will eat a cheeseburger from mcdonalds without onions or pickles. You will not drink soda. Sometimes you will have the noodles and broth from soup. You might hang out with Sara and learn that she likes anime and has lots of converse. You will laugh and it will ache, but it's okay.
At the end of 16 days you will notice that your taste for things has changed. You will notice salt in foods. You will crave certain flavors, but not eat things like fettuccine alfredo because you will fear feeling full. You will vape a lot. You will lose almost 15% of your body weight.
I do not recommend using diverticulitis for weight loss. It's effectiveness is not in question. You will lose weight. Unfortunately, you will also be hospitalized, have pain, and be forced to deal with a limited menu upon your release. While most weight loss plans have a limited menu, diverticulitis is even more limiting than most. Images - click here - not for the faint of heart
Days 1-6: You will be hospitalized. You will be in pain. Real pain, not ibuprofen pain. They will give you opiates. You will gladly accept them. You will not want to eat or drink anything which is good because you will not be allowed to anyway. You will be started on an IV drip of approximately 1 gallon of fluids and a half dozen antibiotics per day. At around day 4 or 5 you will want water, ice chips, something to wet your mouth and throat. You will be denied these things. Friends and family will visit often and offer to bring you contraband such as food and vape stuff. You decline the food and happily vape on the low. You will be caught vaping by the nurses. They will not narc.
Days 7 and 8: You will remain hospitalized. You will no longer need pain killers. You will feel as though you were in a fight a few days ago. You will ache. You will now be allowed ice chips and clear liquids. You will be surprised that you're still pooping out stuff here and there even though you have not consumed any solids for a week. You might give your number to a cute RN named Sara.
Day 9: You will be released from the hospital with scripts for antibiotics. You will be instructed to limit your diet to liquids and low residue foods. You will be warned to drink lots of water. You will not want to be constipated. You will look forward to bananas and scrambled eggs. You will immediately go eat 4 scrambled eggs and 3 pieces of white toast. Hours later you will realize that this was a mistake. The pain will return. You will consider going back to the hospital. You will shit blood. You will call the doctor. You will be reminded of the dietary restrictions and cautioned to eat light. You will shit again. There will be no blood. You will relax a bit. You decide to make a food schedule.
Day 10-16: Your diet will drastically change. You will drink about one gallon of water per day. You will also start consuming meal replacement shakes. I recommend lean body over muscle milk. The only flavor that I look forward to is chocolate ::edit - and cookies n cream - edit::. You will have one for breakfast around 8AM and one for lunch around 1PM. You will have a banana around 10AM and a second around 3PM. You will attempt to eat dinner between 6PM and 8PM. It will consist of half an egg sandwich or a turkey and white american cheese sandwich. They will be on toasted white bread. You will not eat a roll. You will attempt to eat the whole sandwich a few times and regret it hours later. You will stop doing this. In a pinch you will eat a cheeseburger from mcdonalds without onions or pickles. You will not drink soda. Sometimes you will have the noodles and broth from soup. You might hang out with Sara and learn that she likes anime and has lots of converse. You will laugh and it will ache, but it's okay.
At the end of 16 days you will notice that your taste for things has changed. You will notice salt in foods. You will crave certain flavors, but not eat things like fettuccine alfredo because you will fear feeling full. You will vape a lot. You will lose almost 15% of your body weight.
Thursday, August 13, 2015
Wednesday, August 12, 2015
Saturday, August 8, 2015
Diverticulitis
So I've been in the hospital since early Thursday morning. I'm in pain and all I want is a blow job... go figure?!
Vape life!! Hospital contraband :)
I'm writing this from my phone so the details will have to wait, but I will mention that the doctor confirms all those gurgling noises and phantom left side pains through the years were from the fuckin hole in my intestine! Hah
Vape life!! Hospital contraband :)
Thursday, July 30, 2015
The opposite
Hmm.
I don't think the X means what you thought, Steve.
Then again, neither does this...
Monday, July 27, 2015
Decorating
It's not easy decorating a house: Wall paint colors, wood trim paint colors, ceiling paint colors, bedroom carpets, floor stain colors, wood trim stain colors, door stain colors are all child's play compared to actual decorating...
O M G
There is no price listed for any of the items, but I have a room with 12 foot ceilings that I'm pretty sure this guy is going to call home!
- Furniture is a big deal. Most of this stuff can't be returned. You put down a deposit and you own that shit (even though it takes 8-10 weeks to show up). If the room has stained wood trim then you need to match the furniture to that color. This isn't for the faint of heart. My suggestion is to bring a board that has already been stained with you because, as I mentioned earlier, you own it once you pay the deposit.
- Lighting and I don't mean lamps. I understand that the occasional lamp is necessary on an end table or in a corner somewhere, but I'm talking about installed fixtures like wall sconces, chandeliers, and vanity lights. Oh yeah, it's a house so don't forget that there is also lighting outside now...
- Bathroom mirrors - with a frame or without a frame? Size? Shape?
- Shower door systems - swinging or sliding?
- The front door color -inside and out
- Tile
- Hardware - brass, chrome, nickel, or bronze?
- Window treatments - it's a house so there are many rooms. Is everything the same or do you mix it up? Blinds, sheers, shades, drapes, valances, swags, jabots, cornices, rods, and hardware
- Switches, outlets, and their associated plates
- Outdoor furniture - on the patio, by the pool, in a gazebo thingy
- Things to hang on the walls - pictures or paintings? More mirrors here and there?
O M G
There is no price listed for any of the items, but I have a room with 12 foot ceilings that I'm pretty sure this guy is going to call home!
Thursday, July 23, 2015
Kaia
The baby is a healthy weight of almost 9 pounds and she measures 22 inches long. I received my pictures hours before they hit facebook hah. Her Mom is in more than a little pain and Dad is running on zero sleep for almost 3 days. They are happy and exhausted new parents... get used to it guys :)
He called me after she gave birth and we spoke about the delivery. I won't go into detail, but it was very emotional. He described to me the feelings of holding his daughter for the first time and how grateful he is to have this life vs his old one. We cried together, called each other pussies, and got off the phone.
Afterwards, my mind was going in a bunch of different directions and the tears wouldn't stop. I kept crying for a while. Now, please understand that I'm happy for my friends. They deserve their family unit and a healthy baby girl. With that said, for the first time in a long while I'm envious of someone. I yearn for what they have. I've spoken to him about this before. He knows I was crushed when what I believed was going to be my little family broke up 8 months ago. Yes, yes... Mia Khalifa and all that goes along with being single have some very good points. Unfortunately, like most distractions, the lift to your spirit doesn't last very long. In the moment there is usually nowhere that I'd rather be, but that type of feeling doesn't provide any lasting emotional buoyancy.
Straight and simple: My friend has his own little family now and I wanted that with her. Arguments or differences of opinion aside, her voice, her smile, her love, etc gave me everything I needed to face the world and kick it's ass. The idea of holding my child with her eyes came flooding back to me. I cried and cried. I went to the new house and sat by the pool, listened to some music, and just let it all out. Sigh.
Eventually I got up and walked around my house. It's beautiful, inside and out. It's almost fully painted now and everything is coming together. Soon I'll be taking delivery of furniture and moving my clothes in to my new home. That made me smile.
He called me after she gave birth and we spoke about the delivery. I won't go into detail, but it was very emotional. He described to me the feelings of holding his daughter for the first time and how grateful he is to have this life vs his old one. We cried together, called each other pussies, and got off the phone.
Afterwards, my mind was going in a bunch of different directions and the tears wouldn't stop. I kept crying for a while. Now, please understand that I'm happy for my friends. They deserve their family unit and a healthy baby girl. With that said, for the first time in a long while I'm envious of someone. I yearn for what they have. I've spoken to him about this before. He knows I was crushed when what I believed was going to be my little family broke up 8 months ago. Yes, yes... Mia Khalifa and all that goes along with being single have some very good points. Unfortunately, like most distractions, the lift to your spirit doesn't last very long. In the moment there is usually nowhere that I'd rather be, but that type of feeling doesn't provide any lasting emotional buoyancy.
Straight and simple: My friend has his own little family now and I wanted that with her. Arguments or differences of opinion aside, her voice, her smile, her love, etc gave me everything I needed to face the world and kick it's ass. The idea of holding my child with her eyes came flooding back to me. I cried and cried. I went to the new house and sat by the pool, listened to some music, and just let it all out. Sigh.
Eventually I got up and walked around my house. It's beautiful, inside and out. It's almost fully painted now and everything is coming together. Soon I'll be taking delivery of furniture and moving my clothes in to my new home. That made me smile.
Wednesday, July 22, 2015
Lets get ready to rumble
My friends are having a baby today... actually right now (as I type this)
The guy sends me a text, "The baby is coming she's pushing nuts"
Then he sends me this link
Hilarious
The guy sends me a text, "The baby is coming she's pushing nuts"
Then he sends me this link
Hilarious
Bad dreams vs nightmares
What is a nightmare? The connotation is something frightening when referring to a dream, but it's merely something unpleasant if used when referring to bad service at a restaurant. ::shrugs::
Last night I had an unpleasant dream. It was an odd dream in that I was aware of what was going on, but could not control my actions or my words to affect any outcome. In the dream I wanted to write a note to someone, but could not control the words that wound up being left behind on the paper. I tried to make a phone call to someone, but could not locate the person's name in my contacts. I wanted to say certain things to someone, but could not make those words come out of my mouth. By the end of the dream I was so upset and frustrated that I started crying (in my dream).
I've had similar situations in my life where all options were taken away from me. That time of my life was truly a nightmare...
Last night I had an unpleasant dream. It was an odd dream in that I was aware of what was going on, but could not control my actions or my words to affect any outcome. In the dream I wanted to write a note to someone, but could not control the words that wound up being left behind on the paper. I tried to make a phone call to someone, but could not locate the person's name in my contacts. I wanted to say certain things to someone, but could not make those words come out of my mouth. By the end of the dream I was so upset and frustrated that I started crying (in my dream).
I've had similar situations in my life where all options were taken away from me. That time of my life was truly a nightmare...
“For us, to use is to die, often in more ways than one.”
Basic Text, p. 82
––––=––––
As newcomers, many of us came to our first meeting with only a
small spark of life remaining. That spark, our spirit, wants to
survive. Narcotics Anonymous nurtures that spirit. The love of the
fellowship quickly fans that spark into a flame. With the Twelve Steps
and the love of other recovering addicts, we begin to blossom into that
whole, vital human being our Higher Power intended us to be. We begin
to enjoy life, finding purpose in our existence. Each day we choose to
stay clean, our spirit is revitalized and our relationship with our God
grows. Our spirit becomes stronger each day we choose life by staying
clean.
Despite the fact that our new life in recovery is rewarding, the
urge to use can sometimes be overwhelming. When everything in our lives
seems to go wrong, a return to using can seem like the only way out.
But we know what the consequence will be if we use—the loss of our
carefully nurtured spirituality. We have traveled too far along the
spiritual path to dishonor our spirit by using. Snuffing the spiritual
flame we have worked so hard to restore in our recovery is too dear a
price to pay for getting high.
––––=––––
Just for today July 22nd: I am grateful that my spirit is strong and vital. Today, I will honor that spirit by staying clean.
Tuesday, July 21, 2015
Monday, July 20, 2015
The internet is for porn
So my friend shared this link on Facebook: https://www.distractify.com/20-countries-and-their-most-popular-porn-search-term-1240694930.html?ts_pid=2
According to the above, the most popular type of porn search in the United States is lesbian. For those that are wondering what's popular with me my current muse is Mia Khalifa (swoon insert heart emoji). She is moca goodness. Anyway, I'm not averse to girl on girl action, but it isn't near the top of my list. Mia has done girl on girl videos, but I've never taken the time to watch any of them because I feel her assets are better used in other ways (insert naughty emoji with horns). So back to the topic, because lesbian porn isn't in my top 10 searches I thought that the wording in the headline of the link that started all this might be deceptive. I started to investigate further and found the following: http://www.pornhub.com/insights/2014-year-in-review So, PornHub must be the source of the information for the original link that was on Facebook. Let's examine their top US searches:
It's interesting to see how the list breaks down. Lesbian porn at the top makes some sense in that I personally know: 1. exponentially more guys who watch girl on girl porn than women who watch guy on guy porn, 2. more women who identify as bi-sexual, 3. lesbians watch porn too! So that kinda sorta explains number one, but lets look at the rest. I found the list interesting because it shows what people are really into fantasy wise instead of merely what they'll actually admit. The list is reality. Millions of people search for these things, but few people share their true thoughts with a partner. So for me, basically the rest of the list is a yes. Role play and fantasy are awesome. If I was a young guy with a hot step mom or step sister then it would be a yes for me. Cartoons = yes. Teens :) Squirt = absolutely. Milf, creampie, babysitter, hentai, teacher... the list keeps getting better hah. The list shows what "we" think about when our minds drift off to that naughty place. I'm not saying that most people would do the things that they search for, but I am saying that most people would love to role play this stuff if they could get out of their own way and tell their partner. Free your mind and the rest will follow - En Vogue hah
Hmm... lets try Mia Khalifa threesome step sister squirt creampie
According to the above, the most popular type of porn search in the United States is lesbian. For those that are wondering what's popular with me my current muse is Mia Khalifa (swoon insert heart emoji). She is moca goodness. Anyway, I'm not averse to girl on girl action, but it isn't near the top of my list. Mia has done girl on girl videos, but I've never taken the time to watch any of them because I feel her assets are better used in other ways (insert naughty emoji with horns). So back to the topic, because lesbian porn isn't in my top 10 searches I thought that the wording in the headline of the link that started all this might be deceptive. I started to investigate further and found the following: http://www.pornhub.com/insights/2014-year-in-review So, PornHub must be the source of the information for the original link that was on Facebook. Let's examine their top US searches:
It's interesting to see how the list breaks down. Lesbian porn at the top makes some sense in that I personally know: 1. exponentially more guys who watch girl on girl porn than women who watch guy on guy porn, 2. more women who identify as bi-sexual, 3. lesbians watch porn too! So that kinda sorta explains number one, but lets look at the rest. I found the list interesting because it shows what people are really into fantasy wise instead of merely what they'll actually admit. The list is reality. Millions of people search for these things, but few people share their true thoughts with a partner. So for me, basically the rest of the list is a yes. Role play and fantasy are awesome. If I was a young guy with a hot step mom or step sister then it would be a yes for me. Cartoons = yes. Teens :) Squirt = absolutely. Milf, creampie, babysitter, hentai, teacher... the list keeps getting better hah. The list shows what "we" think about when our minds drift off to that naughty place. I'm not saying that most people would do the things that they search for, but I am saying that most people would love to role play this stuff if they could get out of their own way and tell their partner. Free your mind and the rest will follow - En Vogue hah
Hmm... lets try Mia Khalifa threesome step sister squirt creampie
Friday, July 17, 2015
Ah hah
The past week or so my mind has been flooded with memories from the past. A thought here and there is one thing, but it got to the point where I had dreams which is pretty unusual for me. This wasn't bad necessarily. I don't hate the past, but the frequency of it all was intrusive so it really stated to bother me. I have good stuff going on right now, but all of these bitter sweet snippets of my life are floating around: My mom dancing, LP smiling, and JMBM laughing. Weird. Some of these memories are 20 years old.
Anyway, I couldn't figure out why all the above was floating around until this morning. I'm in the shower soaping up with Pandora playing on my speaker thingy when I have the eureka moment. For the past 10 days or so I have been listening to oldies music almost exclusively. Pandora at home and at work. The stations have been the twist radio and rockin robin radio. Great motown songs along with the occasional "where did that come from" song. What does that mean? Well, without rhyme or reason the stations will play guns and roses sweet child of mine or the lumineers hey ho or phillip phillips home. I don't know why. I enjoy those songs, but since I rarely upvote or downvote anything on Pandora their reason for playing these newer songs is a mystery... So, music associated with specific people and events opens a few closets in my brain that store dark chocolate (bitter sweet). Meh. I never really liked dark chocolate anyway.
The above may not be blog worthy to some of you, but I'm grateful to have figured it out. Time to change the station.
Anyway, I couldn't figure out why all the above was floating around until this morning. I'm in the shower soaping up with Pandora playing on my speaker thingy when I have the eureka moment. For the past 10 days or so I have been listening to oldies music almost exclusively. Pandora at home and at work. The stations have been the twist radio and rockin robin radio. Great motown songs along with the occasional "where did that come from" song. What does that mean? Well, without rhyme or reason the stations will play guns and roses sweet child of mine or the lumineers hey ho or phillip phillips home. I don't know why. I enjoy those songs, but since I rarely upvote or downvote anything on Pandora their reason for playing these newer songs is a mystery... So, music associated with specific people and events opens a few closets in my brain that store dark chocolate (bitter sweet). Meh. I never really liked dark chocolate anyway.
The above may not be blog worthy to some of you, but I'm grateful to have figured it out. Time to change the station.
Friday, July 10, 2015
Take it in
Sometimes a picture really is worth 1000 words. #climbthemountain
This week has been insanity. I'm on the cusp of either breaking out of this feeling or falling into a ditch. I wish I could take all the beautiful words that this picture inspires straight into my soul.
Monday, July 6, 2015
Thursday, July 2, 2015
I'm not sayin... I'm just sayin
So my friend claims to have gone riding on his motorcycle for 2 hours last night with an average speed of 80-90 mph... hmmm. I asked him how many times he stopped for gas. He said none. Hmmm...3 gallon tank, MPG is inverse to speed soooo let's just say that it was A LOT less than 2 hours. The laws of thermodynamics don't lie, son.
I'm not sayin you're lying. I'm just sayin you ain't tellin the truth.
I'm not sayin she's fat. I'm just sayin if I had to name the 5 fattest people that I know, she'd be 3 of them.
I'm not sayin I hate you. I'm just sayin that if you got hit by a bus, I'd be the one driving that bus.
I'm not sayin I'm batman. I'm just sayin that no one has ever seen me and batman in the same room together.
I'm not sayin you're ugly. I'm just sayin that no one would ask any questions if we took you to the vet instead of the doctor.
I'm not sayin that I hate you. I'm just sayin that if you were on fire and I had a beer then I would throw away my clean time and drink the beer. I don't even like beer.
I'm not sayin stupid people should be killed. I'm just sayin let's remove all the warning labels and see what happens.
I'm not sayin that she's a hoe. I'm just sayin that she's had more balls in her mouth than hungry hungry hippos.
I'm not sayin your opinion is stupid. I'm just sayin that you're stupid for having it.
I'm not sayin that you're a hoe. I'm just sayin I find it odd that anytime you eat a banana you put one of your hands on the back of your head.
I'm not sayin that I'm a bad person. I'm just sayin that one morning satan woke up on my couch and wouldn't make eye contact with me.
I'm not sayin that he's not loyal. I'm just sayin that if he was a video game his dick would be rated "E" for everyone and there would be no codes required to make it easier to play.
I'm not sayin I don't like you. I'm just sayin that if you were on life support I might unplug the machine to charge my phone and not feel bad about it.
I'm not sayin you're stupid. I'm just sayin it's only thing you already know.
I'm not sayin you're lying. I'm just sayin you ain't tellin the truth.
I'm not sayin she's fat. I'm just sayin if I had to name the 5 fattest people that I know, she'd be 3 of them.
I'm not sayin I hate you. I'm just sayin that if you got hit by a bus, I'd be the one driving that bus.
I'm not sayin I'm batman. I'm just sayin that no one has ever seen me and batman in the same room together.
I'm not sayin you're ugly. I'm just sayin that no one would ask any questions if we took you to the vet instead of the doctor.
I'm not sayin that I hate you. I'm just sayin that if you were on fire and I had a beer then I would throw away my clean time and drink the beer. I don't even like beer.
I'm not sayin stupid people should be killed. I'm just sayin let's remove all the warning labels and see what happens.
I'm not sayin that she's a hoe. I'm just sayin that she's had more balls in her mouth than hungry hungry hippos.
I'm not sayin your opinion is stupid. I'm just sayin that you're stupid for having it.
I'm not sayin that you're a hoe. I'm just sayin I find it odd that anytime you eat a banana you put one of your hands on the back of your head.
I'm not sayin that I'm a bad person. I'm just sayin that one morning satan woke up on my couch and wouldn't make eye contact with me.
I'm not sayin that he's not loyal. I'm just sayin that if he was a video game his dick would be rated "E" for everyone and there would be no codes required to make it easier to play.
I'm not sayin I don't like you. I'm just sayin that if you were on life support I might unplug the machine to charge my phone and not feel bad about it.
I'm not sayin you're stupid. I'm just sayin it's only thing you already know.
Tuesday, June 30, 2015
Ohhhh man
Floors are done. I'm going to let them cure until Monday. Next week there's a bit more wall and ceiling prep and then the final coat of paint! Woohoooooooooooooooooo
I found a couch!
I found a couch!
Time to order the TV!
And my friend, Bobby, wrote me a song! Hah
Unfortunately I can't figure out to upload it to Blogger :( I'm going to have to turn it into a music video of some sort. Coming soon!
Thursday, June 25, 2015
Freebee
So, the floors are being refinished in the new house right now and since it's been humid the drying times between coats of polyurethane are longer than expected. To help the process along I decided to start the main a/c unit up in the great room. I've never wired up these type of units before. I've talked about it on the phone many times, but I've never sat in 125+ degree attack on a summer day and tried to wire one up from scratch. How hot is an attic? Well hot yoga is limited to an ambient room temperature of 105 degrees. Working in a much hotter cramped environment surrounded by fiberglass insulation is even less fun.
Anyway, I walk into the house and the polyurethane fumes hit me like a wall. The heat and humidity have trapped the fumes in the house and by the time I set up the 12 foot ladder to get into the attic, I'm dripping with sweat and starting to get a little loopy. 2 hours later, after several trips up and down ladder, the unit still doesn't work and I have no idea why. I trace the power wires around inside the air handler and find a blown fuse. Apparently a few months ago someone, lets call him John, cut the wires to the air handler before killing the power which blew the fuse. It's an oddball fuse so I had to make a few phone calls to track it down. After a quick trip to the store and another 30 min in the attic the unit was up and running. I waited another hour to make sure that everything was running properly and that the condensate drain wasn't clogged. With everything buttoned up, I pack up my tools and leave. In total I probably spent about 5 hours in the house that day. My head is pounding and I assume it's from dehydration. I stop at 7-11 to get some gatorade, water, and advil for the trip home. I make a pit stop at the office to drop off some garbage and decide to take Rt 25 (middle country rd / jericho tpke)back home because I'm not feeling well.
At some point I realize that nothing around where I'm driving looks familiar. I pull into a parking and hit the guide me home button on the GPS. I'm almost 30 minutes east of my house. I'm on Rt 25A in Wading River and have no idea how I got there. I must have been driving home from the office for about an hour. See the picture below? I drove between the 2 red dots:
My guess is that I got on 347 instead of Rt 25 and took 347 until it merged in with Rt 25A. Then I just kept driving east on Rt 25A until I realized something was out of place. I have no recollection of driving that far or for that long. Yeah, I was a menace to society. By the time I got home my headache was so bad I had to squint to focus at anything. I can only guess that the polyurethane is what messed me. When I went into the condo I looked at myself in the bathroom mirror and my eyes were like pin drops. I kept turning the light on and off to see if my pupils would dilate and then after about 10 minutes I realized that... well, I've been in the bathroom for 10 minutes turning the light on and off so I must be rocked off my ass. This wasn't a pleasant feeling. I had the headache from hell and I was nauseous. I took more advil and drank as much water as I could stomach and went to bed. Meh. It might have been a freebee, but there was little fun involved. I could laugh about it the next day as I told the story about a dozen times, but looking back on it I also realized how dangerous it was... I could have fallen off the 12 foot ladder while I was going in and out of the attic ceiling or I could have blown a light while driving and killed someone. Thankfully nothing happened, but let this be a lesson to you, kids... Drink and drive. Don't huff polyurethane and get behind the wheel.
Anyway, I walk into the house and the polyurethane fumes hit me like a wall. The heat and humidity have trapped the fumes in the house and by the time I set up the 12 foot ladder to get into the attic, I'm dripping with sweat and starting to get a little loopy. 2 hours later, after several trips up and down ladder, the unit still doesn't work and I have no idea why. I trace the power wires around inside the air handler and find a blown fuse. Apparently a few months ago someone, lets call him John, cut the wires to the air handler before killing the power which blew the fuse. It's an oddball fuse so I had to make a few phone calls to track it down. After a quick trip to the store and another 30 min in the attic the unit was up and running. I waited another hour to make sure that everything was running properly and that the condensate drain wasn't clogged. With everything buttoned up, I pack up my tools and leave. In total I probably spent about 5 hours in the house that day. My head is pounding and I assume it's from dehydration. I stop at 7-11 to get some gatorade, water, and advil for the trip home. I make a pit stop at the office to drop off some garbage and decide to take Rt 25 (middle country rd / jericho tpke)back home because I'm not feeling well.
At some point I realize that nothing around where I'm driving looks familiar. I pull into a parking and hit the guide me home button on the GPS. I'm almost 30 minutes east of my house. I'm on Rt 25A in Wading River and have no idea how I got there. I must have been driving home from the office for about an hour. See the picture below? I drove between the 2 red dots:
My guess is that I got on 347 instead of Rt 25 and took 347 until it merged in with Rt 25A. Then I just kept driving east on Rt 25A until I realized something was out of place. I have no recollection of driving that far or for that long. Yeah, I was a menace to society. By the time I got home my headache was so bad I had to squint to focus at anything. I can only guess that the polyurethane is what messed me. When I went into the condo I looked at myself in the bathroom mirror and my eyes were like pin drops. I kept turning the light on and off to see if my pupils would dilate and then after about 10 minutes I realized that... well, I've been in the bathroom for 10 minutes turning the light on and off so I must be rocked off my ass. This wasn't a pleasant feeling. I had the headache from hell and I was nauseous. I took more advil and drank as much water as I could stomach and went to bed. Meh. It might have been a freebee, but there was little fun involved. I could laugh about it the next day as I told the story about a dozen times, but looking back on it I also realized how dangerous it was... I could have fallen off the 12 foot ladder while I was going in and out of the attic ceiling or I could have blown a light while driving and killed someone. Thankfully nothing happened, but let this be a lesson to you, kids... Drink and drive. Don't huff polyurethane and get behind the wheel.
Tuesday, June 23, 2015
Jaws
I like scary movies.
The movie that has left the biggest impression on me is Jaws. Oh boy. Anytime I'm in the ocean you can be assured that I'm looking for sharks. Anything that touches me in the water... gottah be a shark. I usually put myself between the 8 year old children and the shoreline so the shark has first crack at them instead of me :) Human veal!
For those who don't know, Jaws has been re-released in theaters for a limited time. I'm going to see it tomorrow. I can't wait!
::EDIT:: The movie was great. There really is nothing like the experience of seeing an action movie in the theater. I've seen Jaws a half dozen times and we were still jumping out of seats at various parts. Surround sound is the cats pajamas :) ::EDIT::
Wednesday, June 17, 2015
I heart you
Mr. Fitzpatrick,
I don't know where you are right now, but I'd like to shake your hand.
Best Regards,
Tom
PS... he did it twice because someone in a bar didn't believe that he did it the first time. Much love, fam hah
I don't know where you are right now, but I'd like to shake your hand.
Best Regards,
Tom
PS... he did it twice because someone in a bar didn't believe that he did it the first time. Much love, fam hah
Monday, June 15, 2015
Wednesday, June 3, 2015
Jump around
Cliche?
- I suppose.
True none the less?
Well?
Is it true?
- Yes. ::kicks a rock::
So smile!
Let go and let God... is there any other choice in the matter?
Monday, June 1, 2015
Just deal with it
The name of this movie is Crazy Stupid Love. I've watched it twice and loved it both times. Emma Stone... Yum. Ryan Gosling's abs... Yum. Hah. Aside from all the onscreen eye candy it was Steve Carrell's character that pulled me in. He reminds me of who I'd like to be. He's a good a guy. A little plain and absolutely clueless at times, but who isn't? He believes that he's found his soul mate, but is willing to let her go if that is what she wants. He wants to protect his family from harm while also letting each of them be their own person(s? people?). He liked parts of being single and hated other parts of it all at the same time. He loves those around him with out pretense. Although he did do a little stalking, because... well, the lawn needed to be raked and seeded at midnight on a Tuesday hah. The video loses a little something without the context of the rest of the movie, but I'll enjoy this clip when I go back and look at this post a year from now so you guys will have to deal.
Friday, May 29, 2015
Thursday, May 28, 2015
Love her now
Slow down. This day will never be available to you again. There are only so many of these available to you. Yes, we have stories, pictures, and sound bites of our activities, but is our free time being spent exactly the way we wish? Are the conversations we're having the ones we truly want to have with the people we want in our lives? I hope so, kids. There's no do over. By God's grace we get to try again tomorrow, but all those past days are burnt to ash. Get your ass off the couch. Put your fukin' phone down and go have a face to face conversation with someone... preferably over ice cream, but frozen yogurt will do as well :)
Tuesday, May 26, 2015
Stuck in my head
All weekend, this song has been swimming around in my brain. It usually makes me smile, but after reading the lyrics it's actually kind of sad :( Overall the smiles won out to the frowns so I'm sharing this with you guys. Hope you wind up singing the chorus too... ooo ahhh ooo baybee baybee
::edit:: I really can't help it. The chorus is making me smile all day ::edit::
“A lot happens in one day, both negative and positive. If we
do not take time to appreciate both, perhaps we will miss something that
will help us grow.”
IP No. 8, Just for Today
––––=––––
Most of us seem to unconsciously judge what happens in our lives
each day as good or bad, success or failure. We tend to feel happy
about the “good” and angry, frustrated, or guilty about the “bad.” Good
and bad feelings, though, often have little to do with what’s truly
good or bad for us. We may learn more from our failures than our
successes, especially if failure has come from taking a risk.
Attaching value judgments to our emotional reactions ties us to
our old ways of thinking. We can change the way we think about the
incidents of everyday life, viewing them as opportunities for growth,
not as good or bad. We can search for lessons rather than assigning
value. When we do this, we learn something from each day. Our daily
Tenth Step is an excellent tool for evaluating the day’s events and
learning from both success and failure.
––––=––––
Just for today: I am offered an opportunity to apply the
principles of recovery so that I will learn and grow. When I learn from
life’s events, I succeed.
Monday, May 18, 2015
Oooof
So I just received the window treatment quote for the new house... $33,000 PLUS installation hahahahhaaaaaaaahhhhhahahahaha
Fuck that.
Blinds.com here I come!
Friday, May 15, 2015
Bye Bye BB
I read old e-mail and things that I've posted and wonder who the person was that put those feelings / thoughts into words. Over the past 12 months I have done more consistent work on myself than ever before. Therapy, meetings, steps, honest sharing telling the whole truth, etc and yet I still wonder what I'm feeling or why certain thoughts enter my head most of the time. I'm a jumble. Rarely am I focused on only one thing. Occasionally, I'll be in the present while in conversations with specific people over dinner a few times a week, most of my therapy appointments, playing basketball in the back yard of the new house, or while listening to a song when driving in my truck...
Click this link
Starring: me, my sister, her fiance, and one of those people heh
Oh yeah BB King died. RIP. I tried to pick a perfect song, but I've run out of time. Hope this one represents the man's talent in the way he would approve:
Click this link
Starring: me, my sister, her fiance, and one of those people heh
Oh yeah BB King died. RIP. I tried to pick a perfect song, but I've run out of time. Hope this one represents the man's talent in the way he would approve:
Tuesday, May 12, 2015
Monday, May 11, 2015
I forget
Sometimes I need a little help seeing the whole truth. Sometimes I forget pieces of who I am and what I should be trying to do while I'm still on this earth. When that happens I'll read quotes and things like that to try and spark something to pull me back to right now. I found these today. I hope they touch something in you if you lose your way....
Good or bad, happy or sad, we are responsible for our situations and by extension our emotions. If I don't put myself in certain situations then I don't have to deal with their repercussions. Don't confuse being afraid with being prudent. If you're not sure which one motivates you then look back on whatever it was 30 days later. If you're smiling then you got it right... if you're not then go for it next time. It's okay to try and fail. I try things all the time knowing that I'm not going to get it right. Progress, not perfection. Don't worry, be happy. 2 in the pink, 1 in the stink. The list goes on... ;)
Worry less and do more because the whole truth is that:
Yes.
You can.
Good or bad, happy or sad, we are responsible for our situations and by extension our emotions. If I don't put myself in certain situations then I don't have to deal with their repercussions. Don't confuse being afraid with being prudent. If you're not sure which one motivates you then look back on whatever it was 30 days later. If you're smiling then you got it right... if you're not then go for it next time. It's okay to try and fail. I try things all the time knowing that I'm not going to get it right. Progress, not perfection. Don't worry, be happy. 2 in the pink, 1 in the stink. The list goes on... ;)
Worry less and do more because the whole truth is that:
Yes.
You can.
Thursday, April 9, 2015
Yes. You can.
You'll find a way.
People may wonder why you bother to keep going.
It doesn't matter what "they" think.
You know why...
The answer is fail better and succeed!
People may wonder why you bother to keep going.
It doesn't matter what "they" think.
You know why...
The answer is fail better and succeed!
Sunday, April 5, 2015
Finally
I got the house! It's pretty bad ass :)
The house was renovated 7-8 years ago so it's in good shape, but I'm going to give it a little love before I move in. On Saturday contractors were in and out to give estimates on the paint and flooring, but the highlight of the day was friends and family. There were 7 people in the house and outside on the patio. We played basketball then sat around eating food off paper plates. Laughter and music filled the house. It was everything I could have wanted. Thank you NA for the support. Thank you, Pon for inspiring me to push the last 8 years. Thank you to my family for the financial help and finally, thank you God... I don't know why you've chosen to bless me, but I will do all that I can to be worthy of it all.
Monday, March 30, 2015
Tank you
“Gradually, as we become more God-centered than self-centered, our despair turns to hope.”
Basic Text, p. 95
––––=––––
What a glorious thing to have hope! Before coming to Narcotics
Anonymous, many of us lived lives of utter hopelessness. We believed we
were destined to die from our disease.
Many members speak of being on a “pink cloud” their first months
in the program. We’ve stopped using, made some friends, and life looks
promising. Things are going great. Then reality sets in. Life is
still life—we still lose jobs, our partners still leave us, friends
still die, we still get sick. Abstinence is no guarantee that life will
always go our way.
When the reality of life on its own terms sets in, we turn to our
Higher Power and remember that life happens the way life happens. But
no matter what occurs in our recovery we need not despair, for there is
always hope. That hope lies in our relationship with our Higher Power.
This relationship, as expressed by the thought in our text, develops over time: “Gradually, we
become more God-centered.” As we rely more and more on the strength of
our Higher Power, life’s struggles don’t have to drag us into the sea
of despair. As we focus more on God, we focus less on ourselves.
––––=––––
Just for today: I will rely on my Higher Power. I will
accept that, regardless of what happens, my Higher Power will provide me
with the resources to live with it.
God, please hold my hand for the next weeks... I'm going to need you.
Edit:: I was tempted to write more than ever. No. It's not more than ever. When I was contemplating suicide that night back in December 2006 I needed you more. When I was stressing over having the money and making the arrangements to move into the Farmingdale apartment I needed you more. When Panthea moved out after finding out that I was cheating on her I needed you more. When my mother was hospitalized before her death I needed you more. The weekend that Panthea and I stopped seeing each other last year I needed you more. You were there for me each and every time that I needed You. I'm actually more at peace right now than I was when I first started to write this because I know You'll always be there for me... I just have to ask. Thank you, God. Thank you for everything.
Friday, March 27, 2015
I'm... well, I don't know what I am
The last week or two has been full of ups and downs.
The mortgage company finally has all the documentation that they need. The process produced some significant feelings for me: anxiety over getting everything done in time as well as indignation at the minutia of the procedural guidelines. I consciously did my best to separate the people from the process. I was respectful yet stood my ground. If anyone else goes through this process in the future let me advise you not to forget that the documentation the bank will ask for is a guideline. There are some requirements (like W2s, pay checks, bank statements, and tax returns), but most of the tedious information you'll have to dig around for falls under the guidelines. You can't say no to everything they ask for so get what you can, but don't go crazy and send your 90 year old grandmother to the bank for a copy of the check she gave you for Christmas. Yes, they tried to ask for that and I told them to go scratch. The guidelines are in place so the underwriter has a leg to stand on with their superiors if the borrower defaults on the loan. I get that people need to cover their ass, but my loan has an LPV of less than 30. In a good year I could almost pay off the entire mortgage so lets not pretend that anyone is doing favors here.
The other thing that has me jammed up is moving. I'm going through all the stuff and it's so hard. There really are many fond memories associated with each tidbit and do-dad. Throwing out and giving away things make me sad. The pink stuff: bowls, drying rack, fridge magnets, etc. all remind me of a time when life was different. Tiny sneakers and socks for little feet in my closets and draws. Text books, notebooks, little notes, pictures, cards, movies, bathing suit, bras, underwear, toothbrush, make-up, hair dryer, loofah, shampoo, conditioner, body wash, hair towel thingy, it goes on and on and on and on. How do I discard these things? I'm not mad. She's not mad. It just didn't work out. Is it disrespectful to throw out items that are sentimental? My therapist says that I could take them with me until I see no use for them anymore. I don't have any use for them. I don't use them. I barely notice them anymore. It's just that when I try to throw them away my heart hurts :(
Finally, there's the new house to do list: To paint or not to paint? Which light fixtures and chandeliers? Furniture for every room like couches and tables. I need a bedroom set. Should I turn the living room into a game room with a vape bar?! Take out the jacuzzi tub and install the shower of my dreams? There are so many things. I've never done this before. I've actually signed up for a groupon course to get certified as an interior decorator because I'm way over my head here. Oh yeah... let's not forget seasonal landscaping and the outdoor furniture. Should I install the generator this year or not? I haven't been in the house since December and hardly remember what it looks like inside. I have the property listing pictures from the website, but that's about it. Once I get the keys, the clock starts ticking on paying both mortgages so I can't dilly dally with any renovations. I don't want to live in a construction zone so any mess will need to be made before I move in.
It's a lot to take in. Many things going on at the same time along with work, a social life, meetings, planning a vacation. Go ahead and say it... these are luxury problems. I know. Just try and keep in mind that they are all still in my face and I have to deal with all of them right now. I'm not alone, but I am on my own. Sigh.
The mortgage company finally has all the documentation that they need. The process produced some significant feelings for me: anxiety over getting everything done in time as well as indignation at the minutia of the procedural guidelines. I consciously did my best to separate the people from the process. I was respectful yet stood my ground. If anyone else goes through this process in the future let me advise you not to forget that the documentation the bank will ask for is a guideline. There are some requirements (like W2s, pay checks, bank statements, and tax returns), but most of the tedious information you'll have to dig around for falls under the guidelines. You can't say no to everything they ask for so get what you can, but don't go crazy and send your 90 year old grandmother to the bank for a copy of the check she gave you for Christmas. Yes, they tried to ask for that and I told them to go scratch. The guidelines are in place so the underwriter has a leg to stand on with their superiors if the borrower defaults on the loan. I get that people need to cover their ass, but my loan has an LPV of less than 30. In a good year I could almost pay off the entire mortgage so lets not pretend that anyone is doing favors here.
The other thing that has me jammed up is moving. I'm going through all the stuff and it's so hard. There really are many fond memories associated with each tidbit and do-dad. Throwing out and giving away things make me sad. The pink stuff: bowls, drying rack, fridge magnets, etc. all remind me of a time when life was different. Tiny sneakers and socks for little feet in my closets and draws. Text books, notebooks, little notes, pictures, cards, movies, bathing suit, bras, underwear, toothbrush, make-up, hair dryer, loofah, shampoo, conditioner, body wash, hair towel thingy, it goes on and on and on and on. How do I discard these things? I'm not mad. She's not mad. It just didn't work out. Is it disrespectful to throw out items that are sentimental? My therapist says that I could take them with me until I see no use for them anymore. I don't have any use for them. I don't use them. I barely notice them anymore. It's just that when I try to throw them away my heart hurts :(
Finally, there's the new house to do list: To paint or not to paint? Which light fixtures and chandeliers? Furniture for every room like couches and tables. I need a bedroom set. Should I turn the living room into a game room with a vape bar?! Take out the jacuzzi tub and install the shower of my dreams? There are so many things. I've never done this before. I've actually signed up for a groupon course to get certified as an interior decorator because I'm way over my head here. Oh yeah... let's not forget seasonal landscaping and the outdoor furniture. Should I install the generator this year or not? I haven't been in the house since December and hardly remember what it looks like inside. I have the property listing pictures from the website, but that's about it. Once I get the keys, the clock starts ticking on paying both mortgages so I can't dilly dally with any renovations. I don't want to live in a construction zone so any mess will need to be made before I move in.
It's a lot to take in. Many things going on at the same time along with work, a social life, meetings, planning a vacation. Go ahead and say it... these are luxury problems. I know. Just try and keep in mind that they are all still in my face and I have to deal with all of them right now. I'm not alone, but I am on my own. Sigh.
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