Stay awesome, my friends

One does not need to make a new year's resolution...

when one is already this fucking awesome.

True story :)

Don't forget to smile - unless you have something better to do with your mouth

Never give up

The look on his face when he catches it is priceless

There's a catch

I seek to see myself as I truly am.

Only honesty can set me free. The whole story is the only truth. I've been clean long enough that I have no excuse for holding back. The half truths told in an attempt to save face avail me nothing. I am as free as I allow myself to be. Sounds cliche?

Alight, here's another question: How many people know everything about you in exact terms?

Try it sometime.

"Just for today I will be unafraid. So long as I follow that way, I have nothing to fear."

If you don't tell the truth about yourself then it's impossible for you to tell the whole truth about anything else. Real talk.

We won!

Welcome to a new day. Take a look around. Separate yourself from your disappointments and look at where you are. Make today whatever you wish. If your wish is for peace then simply slow down your thoughts and know that you are loved. Can you feel the warmth? Does it make you smile? Today I can find this place just by looking at the above picture. I can see myself there: green grass, blue sky, bright sun, the occasional cow ;) Now that's living. Chin up kids. We've done more than survive. We won! Life is beautiful.

Oh that's right. Thanks, God.

Faith is what keeps us doing the footwork even when we cant see the reason... this doesn't mean that we're lost. It just means that we can't see what we believe to be out there.

When I put in the footwork and place myself where I'm supposed to be the end result is always more than I wanted. 

Christmas started out rough for me in the morning and the last few days ended better than I could have hoped. My plans can't compare to God's plan. I have evidence... God shows up in my life again and again when I trust in Him. I have great confidence in God's love and his will for me. Faith allows me the freedom to be myself. 8 years ago that's all I ever wanted. I'm not perfect nor do I aspire to be. All I've ever wanted was to love freely and be loved in kind. By God's grace I know that feeling on a regular basis and for that I am truly grateful.

It's said over and over that we are right where we are supposed to be. Another point of view may be that we are right where we put ourselves. Accept where you are and seek the strength to carry on. You will never come away from the well empty. 

Love knows no bounds.

We were made for more than struggle.

Don't give up. Carry on knowing that there is so much more than you know. 

Have some faith, keep your chin up, and don't forget to smile :)

Roast Beast

Yum.

Time to go teach myself a lesson.

I just noticed the deep belly button. Haha

Merry... Uhm... Happy...

So I just got out of bed.

I've had better days.

With tears in my eyes I'm answering text messages... Merry Christmas! Sigh. A part of me just wants to go back to sleep and try again tomorrow. Wish me luck, kids.

Don't forget to smile.

Nope

It's December 25th, 2014 at around 1:00AM.

When I wake up in a few hours, I'll be alone on Christmas morning for the first time in my life.

It's official

Contracts are signed.

Update the Basic Text... after 8 years and one day clean you get a house with a pool!

It's time to start puppy shopping :) Woo to the whooo

 

Say it with your chest!!

Yesterday

Yesterday was my 8 year anniversary of being clean. That's right, almost 253,000,000 million seconds ;) The phone calls and texts made me happy. Each conversation reminded me of how grateful I should be to the fellowship and how important constancy is to building relationships. I didn't hear from Panthea. I didn't expect her to call, but I thought I might get a text or an e-mail. I checked my e-mail until after midnight. I'm pretty sure that behavior like this is a bit unhealthy. I've written about our difficulties and how we're on two separate paths, but that doesn't stop me from wanting to know that the woman I love was thinking about me.

 

Chin up, kids. It's Christmas time... there is family, fun, and shellfish in my immediate future!

Roughly 253,000,000 seconds

I copied these from a website I stumbled across a few years ago:
 
1. “The longer we dwell on our misfortunes, the greater their power to harm us.” – Voltaire
 
2. “If my mind can conceive it and my heart can believe it, then I can achieve it.” – Muhammad Ali

3. “And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.” – Anais Nin

4. “It is never too late to be what you might have been.” – George Eliot

5. “If you’re going through hell keep going.” – Winston Churchill

6. “Take the first step in faith, you don’t have to see the whole staircase, just take the first step.” – Martin Luther King, Jr.

7. “Success seems to be largely a matter of hanging on after others have let go.” – William Feather

8. “If you’re only willing to do what’s easy, life will be hard. But if you’re willing to do what’s hard, life will be easy.” – T. Harv Eker

9. “Do the thing you fear most and the death of fear is certain.” – Mark Twain

10. “When one door closes, another opens; but we often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door that we do not see the one which has opened for us.” – Alexander Graham Bell

11. “Only when we are brave enough to explore the darkness will we discover the infinite power of our light.” – Brene Brown

12. “You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take.” – Wayne Gretzky

13. “I’ve missed more than 9000 shots in my career. I’ve lost almost 300 games. 26 times, I’ve been trusted to take the game winning shot and missed. I’ve failed over and over and over again in my life. And that is why I succeed.” – Michael Jordan

14. “The successful warrior is the average man, with laser-like focus.” – Bruce Lee

15. “One of the greatest discoveries a man makes, one of his great surprises, is to find he can do what he was afraid he couldn’t do.” – Henry Ford

16. “Success is never final. Failure is never fatal. It is courage that counts.” - Winston Churchill

17. “Opportunity does not knock, it presents itself when you beat down the door.” – Kyle Chandler

18. “Only those who dare to fail greatly can ever achieve greatly.” – Robert Kennedy

19. “When you reach the end of your rope, tie a knot in it and hang on.” – Thomas Jefferson
 
20. “It’s always darkest before the dawn.” – Unknown

21. “Develop an attitude of gratitude, and give thanks for everything that happens to you, knowing that every step forward is a step toward achieving something bigger and better than your current situation.” – Brian Tracy

22. “Develop success from failures. Discouragement and failure are two of the surest stepping stones to success.” – Dale Carnegie

23. “Strength does not come from physical capacity. It comes from an indomitable will.” – Mahatma Gandhi

24. “Attitude is a little thing that makes a big difference.” – Winston Churchill

25. “Obstacles can’t stop you. Problems can’t stop you. Most of all, other people can’t stop you. Only you can stop you.”– J. Gitomer

26. “Fortune favors the bold.” - Virgil

27. “Being defeated is often a temporary condition. Giving up is what makes it permanent.” – Marilyn vos Savant

28. “In the confrontation between the stream and the rock, the stream always wins – not through strength, but through persistence.” – Buddha

29. “Whatever the mind can conceive and believe, the mind can achieve.” – Napoleon Hill

30. “Ever tried. Ever failed. No matter. Try again. Fail again. Fail better.” – Samuel Beckett

31. “To avoid criticism say nothing, do nothing, be nothing.” – Elbert Hubbard

32. “Edison failed 10,000 times before he made the electric light. Do not be discouraged if you fail a few times.” – Napoleon Hill

33. “I know for sure that what we dwell on is who we become.” – Oprah Winfrey

34. “Do not let what you cannot do interfere with what you can do.” – John Wooden

35. “Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall.” – Confucius

36. “Sometimes even to live is an act of courage.” – Seneca

37. “There is no education like adversity.” – Benjamin Disraeli

I've included all 37 quotes because not every person needs the same motivation. What clicks in my brain might not mean a damn thing to you. I gave you all 37 options so hopefully you'll find something to inspire you to get off your ass, out of that funk, or just turn that frown upside down and smile. Of all the quotes my favorite is number 27. It's probably the most obvious and maybe that's what my simple brain needs. Common sense works best for me: Something is over when you stop trying to do it. You can't win a fight if you don't get back up. A person will never lose weight if they keep eating the wrong foods for their metabolism. You have only failed to accomplish something when you stop trying to do it. I'll never complete a faster mile if I don't keep trying to jog an extra 10 seconds at a time. The business will never grow if we don't sell more product. I'll never have a family if I don't start dating new people. My life will never be what I want it to be if I use drugs. I will never know God's will if I don't eliminate contradictions in my life and pray to further my relationship with my Higher Power.

I want to know the peace that love brings. I want to be loved and love the world that is around me. The only way for that to be possible is for me to accept what exists AND THEN MOVE FORWARD. If I don't accept what exist today then I will move in the wrong direction. I need to accept exactly where I am and only then can I see the correct path from here. This place is a point in time. As stated by another quote above, success and failure are never final. There is no finish line with life. The only end point in life is death. Aside from that, life is a journey so change your view and love and cherish it. If I spend my time moving in the direction that is right for me then I will fail better and learn. I love that phrase: fail better. That is a great attitude to have. We are the product of a loving and caring God. Keep trying new things. Keep moving towards the light.

 

One day, one hour, one minute, or one second at a time - I will not use.

December 22nd - A New Way To Live

 

“When at the end of the road we find that we can no longer function as a human being, either with or without drugs, we all face the same dilemma....  Either go on as best we can to the bitter ends—jails, institutions, or death—or find a new way to live.”

Basic Text, p. 87

––––=––––

What was the worst aspect of active addiction?  For many of us, it wasn’t the chance that we might die some day of our disease.  The worst part was the living death we experienced every day, the never-ending meaninglessness of life.  We felt like walking ghosts, not living, loving parts of the world around us.

In recovery, we’ve come to believe that we’re here for a reason: to love ourselves and to love others.  In working the Twelve Steps, we have learned to accept ourselves.  With that self-acceptance has come self-respect.  We have seen that everything we do has an effect on others; we are a part of the lives of those around us, and they of ours.  We’ve begun to trust other people and to acknowledge our responsibility to them.

In recovery, we’ve come back to life.  We maintain our new lives by contributing to the welfare of others and seeking each day to do that better—that’s where the Tenth, Eleventh, and Twelfth Steps come in.  The days of living like a ghost are past, but only so long as we actively seek to be healthy, loving, contributing parts of our own lives and the lives of others around us.

––––=––––

Just for today:  I have found a new way to live.  Today, I will seek to serve others with love and to love myself.

 

Peace

This hasn't been an easy day.

Yesterday put more than one smile on my face. I got plenty of rest and today started fine. I worked in the office for a few hours with a couple of the kids. We entered about 100 orders. It's a short week so the office needs to give the warehouse every chance to get these orders out the door before we shut down for the holiday. Everything went well so as we were wrapping up for the afternoon I remembered that I still needed to buy one of my sisters a Christmas gift. Somehow I got it in my head that she might want something that related to her relationship with our mother. I looked at figurines, jewelry, and paintings. At some point I realized that I felt uneasy. My stomach was in knots, I had chills / goose bump things, and I had tightness in various muscles. I guess that in looking for something that showed how wonderful my sisters relationship with my mom was it reminded me of how much I miss my relationship with her.

This isn't an easy time of the year for me even when my Mom was alive, but now it's even more difficult. 8 years ago tonight I was bing using everything I could put into the garbage can of my body because I was going to rehab in the morning (tomorrow 12/22 is my 8 year anniversary). For most of the last 8 years I watched my family slowly drift apart as we watched cancer take our mother from us. Her failing health changed the holiday experience and each year we lost a bit of her and the routine we grew up with. Last year at this time my mother's cancer had us all at her bedside in the hospital. Thankfully she was released for Christmas Eve and Christmas Day, but went back in shortly afterwards and died there in early January. Panthea, who held my heart together last year at this time, is no longer in my life. These thoughts, one after another, came to me this afternoon. The sadness and loss hung over me. My phone rang a lot today. No one called specifically about this and I didn't mention it to anyone. I wanted the feelings to go away. I wanted the wave of emotion to pass over me and be gone, but it lingered.

I laughed this afternoon. I laughed at terrible jokes about Africans liking football teams from Ohio (the Browns and the Bengals). I laughed harder than the punch lines warranted... till the tears flowed from my eyes. I didn't cry / sob, bit the emotion was released. I don't know if it was the proper way. Some people will say that there isn't a proper way. Regardless, I felt better and now a few hours later I feel okay. I'm going to bed now and I will get a good night sleep. Somehow peace is in my heart and I am grateful.

Not every day is perfect. It's possible that the best day of my life is behind me. However, I am confidant that there are more smiles to come in the future :)

Sorry if the picture is a repost, but it's appropriately inspirational at the moment.

OMG, it's snowing!

Take it easy, people.

Today...

My therapist says that I should let feelings come and go as a wave would wash over me. There are lots of reasons to be emotional at this time of year for everyone. Strong emotions aren't always bad. Right now, I feel like singing. I hope you find yourself singing too. Let it happen guys and gals.

Oh boy. I feel a character defect coming on lol

The classics

 

Broscience lesson

Santa Clause is coming to town... oh, wait. Yeah, there's that.

Big day on Tuesday. Wish me luck. Well, better yet, say a little prayer for me. Please. Making moves, kids. Making moves and my stomach is in my throat. Exhale.

Inhale.

Inhale!!!

As I said to Joey, my issue is the wisdom to know the difference...

Thanks, Aretha. For awhile there I forgot to smile :)

Seasons Greetings

::edit:: This is NOT my family ::edit::

I can relate to this guy. Confident enough to include a special someone in your family's Christmas card only to look foolish afterwards. How far in advance do you think the family took that picture? 2 weeks, maybe 3 before mailing? How fuckin weird would it be to get this card in the mail? Ya gottah be careful with this type of shit, people. It doesn't matter how the break up went down. No one is family until they are recognized as such by God and state ;)

Have a great day.

With Love,

Tom

Oh, Santa... you rascal

Dat rump  ;)

It's not stonehenge, but you're on the right track

Don't show up empty handed when someone invites you over for the holidays. Bring something yummy such as this classic dessert.

It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas

 

Ohhhh yeah  High Society  ;)

We must allow change to happen

Tonight I had a conversation with someone about our "relationship." At the suggestion of my therapist, I drew a clear line for this woman about what I was capable of giving her. Not just right now... ever. I wasn't mean. I can say what I mean with out being mean. I needed to make sure that she understood I don't want to be in her way and I won't allow her to be in mine. She immediately became defensive and stated that she didn't mean to imply that she required a commitment. I explained that she didn't do anything of the sort and that my concern was that this was floating around, but unsaid. She started crying and told me a bunch of personal information about herself. Afterwards, I think her openness made her feel weak. We soon parted ways for the evening.

Why is it that good intentions sometimes meet with negative reactions? I can only speculate that our intentions do not match up to what others want. I wanted to be open and honest. No games or misunderstandings. She would prefer to leave things unsaid. I don't believe that she had absolutely no hope or expectation of more. Maybe she would have been okay never having a direct conversation about a future, but it didn't sit right with me. Let me be clear that it is okay to want commitment. Had she told me that she couldn't move forward with out a commitment I would have understood. In having this conversation with her I was ready for my stance to be a deal breaker and would have walked away with out hard feelings. My goal was to put how I felt on the table and make sure she acknowledged what I could commit to. When I was with Panthea, I thought that we had a possibility for a future because I didn't listen when she told me otherwise. I will not allow that same thing to happen to anyone else who has a "relationship" with me. False hope is a lie. It cuts just as deep as direct deception. It is up to us to let our partner know exactly where they stand. Good or bad. Love or otherwise.

This was not a comfortable conversation for me. I like this person and enjoy spending time with her. I had no desire to hurt her...  which is why I told her now rather than at some point down the line. I could have avoided this uncomfortable conversation, but that's not who I am anymore. My gut told me that I needed to do this, my support system confirmed it, and I did it. I'm responsible for my actions. To keep my side of the street clean. It's the only way I can know my God's will. When I clog my mind and my spirit with self deception and fail to dig down to the exact nature of my reasons I lose sight of God's will for me. I spend my time trying to convince myself of something rather than putting all of my energy into following the path that feels right. Yes, feels right. That doesn't mean the easy path. It's not always easy to do what is right... nor are the repercussions of doing what is right always easy.

Some of us are never wrong and therefore never feel the need to apologize. We're so confident in the certainty of our actions that our reactions to others, who don't see things our way, borders on condescension. When we mature that changes. We see our faulty reactions for the mistakes they are and try to make amends for how we expressed our emotions. In the recovery process we will form relationships with people who eventually trust us with the details of the mistakes they have made in their lives. If we are far enough along in our process we empathize with their guilt and shame. We do not judge them for their past. Eventually it sinks in that we too can let go of our guilt and shame as we have encouraged others to do. That we also qualify for compassion and forgiveness of our past actions as well. We must allow change to happen. We can try to check our reactions with our support system, but we will only gain honest feedback by telling the whole truth including the exact nature of our reasons for feeling this way. Yes, the openness will make us uncomfortable. Yes, we may uncover a few contradictions in our lives, but this is how we move forward. We push through the fear of how others may view us and get down to what truly exists. Make no mistake, this is always an uncomfortable place. We cannot live in conflict. When we find contradictions we must examine them and eliminate them. In time we will see that state of being is our bedrock and this real truth is the only thing we can build upon.

Rest In Peace, Vinny... you rascal

“A lot happens in one day, both negative and positive. If we do not take the time to appreciate both, perhaps we will miss something that will help us grow.” IP No. 8, Just for Today ––––=–––– Responsibility, responsibility—the responsibilities of life are everywhere. We’re “supposed to” wear seat belts. We’re “supposed to” clean our homes. We’re “supposed to” do certain things for our spouse, our children, the people we sponsor. On top of all this, we’re “supposed to” go to meetings and practice our program as best we can. It’s no wonder that, sometimes, we want to run from all these tasks and escape to some far-off island where we’re not “supposed to” do anything! At times like these, when we’ve become overwhelmed with our responsibilities, we have forgotten that responsibility need not be burdensome. When we have a desire to run away from our responsibilities we need to slow down, remember why we have chosen them, and pay attention to the gifts they bring. Whether it’s a job we normally find challenging and interesting, or a partner whose personality we are usually excited by, or a child whom we naturally like to play with and care for, there is joy to be found in all the responsibilities of our lives. ––––=–––– Just for today: Each moment is special. I will pay attention, grateful for my responsibilities and the special joys they bring.

A friend and colleague of mine was in a fatal car accident recently. I will miss his valued contribution to my business, but most of all I will miss my friend. It hurts to lose another friend right now. Honestly, I don't know what my life is going to be like with out him. We worked together and we laughed together. We got into arguments and we had each other's best interest at heart. We spoke about our significant others through love and loss. We spoke about our parents. We spoke about our struggles with addiction. I knew him and I let him know me (flaws, fears, and all). In the 5 years or so that I've known him, we grew together. I will miss you, Vince... you grumpy little prick ;) I would not be where I am in my professional or personal life with out you. I will mourn you and the loss of your laugh in my life for a very long time.

Yeah, so I got that going for me...

“We entertained the thought that staying clean was not paying off, and the old thinking stirred up self-pity, resentment, and anger.”

Basic Text, p. 98

––––=––––

There are days when some of us wallow in self-pity.  It’s easy to do.  We may have expectations about how our lives should be in recovery, expectations that aren’t always met.  Maybe we’ve tried unsuccessfully to control someone, or we think our circumstances should be different.  Perhaps we’ve compared ourselves with other recovering addicts and found ourselves lacking.  The more we try to make our life conform to our expectations, the more uncomfortable we feel.  Self-pity can arise from living in our expectations instead of in the world as it actually is.

When the world doesn’t measure up to our expectations, it’s often our expectations that need adjusting, not the world.  We can start by comparing our lives today with the way they used to be, developing gratitude for our recovery.  We can extend this exercise in gratitude by counting the good things in our lives, becoming thankful that the world does not conform to our expectations but exceeds them.  And if we continue working the Twelve Steps, further cultivating gratitude and acceptance, what we can expect in the future is more growth, more happiness, and more peace of mind.

We’ve been given much in recovery; staying clean has paid off.  Acceptance of our lives, just for today, frees us from our self-pity.

––––=––––

Just for today:  I will accept my life, gratefully, just as it is.

Yes, I've been fortunate. It's easy sometimes to look at my surroundings and think about how the picture isn't perfect. When I stop trying to fill in the blanks and just enjoy what exists today my spirit soars. I enjoy laughing again. I enjoy smiling and meaning it. Not having to force myself to keep my chin up. By no means is this my full time demeanor. I waffle back and forth, but it's better than it was a few weeks ago. Consistency is on the horizon. A new routine will bring me back to the place of peace I've known before. Until then I may sniffle or frown, but it's not for too long. I've come to  realize that losing the woman I called my heart hasn't left me as empty as I thought because I have friends. My relationships with my friends unintentionally suffered while I was in my relationship with PB. Having those relationships back in my life has filled up part of what is lost. So I got that going for me... which is nice. Thanks, God. 

I kinda' knew

I woke up this morning, but didn't check my phone right away.

Was it a dream? I rarely dream so maybe it really happened.

If it's real then is this a good thing or a bad thing? What does it really mean or solve? I mulled these over for about 15 minutes.

I finally grabbed my phone to check.

No.

It was a dream.

Sigh... I think.

"...I think and think and think, I've thought myself out of happiness one million times, but never once into it." - JSF  ...IME only action makes this possible.

“The relief of ‘letting go and letting God’ helps us develop a life that is worth living.” Basic Text, p. 26 ––––=–––– In our addiction, we were afraid of what might happen if we didn’t control everything around us.  Many of us made up elaborate lies to protect our use of drugs.  Some of us manipulated everyone around us in a frenzied attempt to get something from them so we could use more drugs.  A few of us went to great lengths to keep two people from talking to each other and perhaps discovering our trail of lies.  We took pains to maintain an illusion of control over our addiction and our lives.  In the process, we kept ourselves from experiencing the serenity that comes with surrender to a Higher Power’s will. In our recovery, it is important to release our illusion of control and surrender to a Higher Power, whose will for us is better than anything we can con, manipulate, or devise for ourselves.  If we realize that we are trying to control outcomes and are feeling afraid of the future, there is action we can take to reverse that trend.  We go to our Second and Third Steps and look at what we have come to believe about a Higher Power.  Do we truly believe that this Power can care for us and restore us to sanity?  If so, we can live with all of life’s ups and downs—its disappointments, its sorrows, its wonders, and its joys. ––––=–––– Just for today:  I will surrender and let a Higher Power’s will happen in my life.  I will accept the gift of serenity this surrender brings.

I know what not to do

“Take my will and my life.  Guide me in my recovery.  Show me how to live.”

Basic Text, p. 26

––––=––––

How do we begin the process of letting our Higher Power guide our lives?  When we seek advice about situations that trouble us, we often find that our Higher Power works through others.  When we accept that we don’t have all the answers, we open ourselves to new and different options.  A willingness to let go of our preconceived ideas and opinions opens the channel for spiritual guidance to light our way.

At times, we must be driven to the point of distraction before we are ready to turn difficult situations over to our Higher Power.  Anxiously plotting, struggling, planning, worrying—none of these suffice.  We can be sure that if we turn our problems over to our Higher Power, through listening to others share their experience or in the quiet of meditation, the answers will come.

There is no point in living a frantic existence.  Charging through life like the house is on fire exhausts us and gets us nowhere.  In the long run, no amount of manipulation on our part will change a situation.  When we let go and allow ourselves access to a Higher Power, we will discover the best way to proceed.  Rest assured, answers derived from a sound spiritual basis will be far superior to any answers we could concoct on our own.

––––=––––

Just for today:  I will let go and let my Higher Power guide my life.

I don't have all the answers. Sometimes, if I spend too much time wondering what went wrong I feel like I don't have any of the answers. I cry sometimes. With out warning the sadness comes and my eyes well up. I miss my friend sometimes. I miss her smile and her laugh. Then I remember all the hurt she brings along with those things. During our relationship I tried to live in the present... enjoy the good times and work through the rough spots. I guess that was foolish. A smile isn't enough. A hug isn't enough. I know what not to do now.

So many memories. So many plans derailed. I don't even want to think about how much of my life changed 2 weeks ago, but I can't help it. I'm faced with it every day. Pictures, notes, every fuckin thing in my damn house has been touched by her in some way. It's not easy to move forward when everything reminds me of the past. My salvation is that I have been here before. I remember what this feels like and that I have gotten through these feelings to the other side. Joy is still possible. It may be short lived at times, but it still comes. I don't need to fill my life with people and things that aren't good for me. I know what not to do now.

The above mentions being frantic. There are times when I want to fill the place she occupied with something or someone right away. Make this ache stop right now. Please God, wake me up from this bad dream. It's only been 2 weeks, but it feels like a hell of a lot longer. Patience. Serenity. Peace. These can be found through prayer. In time the answers and direction will be clear to me. Don't forget to give time time. When I can put the distractions away my Higher Power's will be apparent to me as it has been in the past. It's not easy. I'm writing tonight because I need hope. Typing the words rather than just thinking them. I know what not to do. God, please help me carry on until I see the right path.  Wrap me up in your love. Don't let go of this sad sad man. I know what not to do. Help me see your light when I close my eyes. I'm afraid of this darkness, Lord.

Sigh. Sniffle.

Pity party over for now.

When it rains...

So, today is November 11^th and it’s my Mom’s birthday. If you read this blog then you know that she passed away 10 months ago. To acknowledge her birthday, my sisters and some friends of ours got together to have dinner. My sisters cooked and we all had a sit down dinner of my Mother’s recipe for Rigatoni ala Vodka. We’ve all eaten this dish dozens of times at my Mother’s house through the years and I believe that it made her happy to know that we were all together. I’m was looking forward to seeing everyone and the whole event didn't disappoint. I miss you Mom. Dinner with everyone was a positive distraction from mourning her loss.

Positive distractions... not all distractions are positive. I’m doing the best that I can considering the circumstances, but there are many ways to take your mind off something that I’m not currently making use of… well, not yet anyway. It takes a conscious effort not to follow the easy / familiar path. I have been tempted by food, sex, using, and spending money. None of these make sense. None of these will solve my problem, nor will they lessen the problem in any way. As a matter of fact each of these distractions has the potential to make my situation worse. Here are a few examples:

• About a month ago I started to eat better. I feel good and my clothes fit better. This is a reason to smile. Going back to the ice cream crutch at night is a step in the wrong direction. This is especially true for the newly single.
• Speaking of single and ready to mingle (I know  ::rimshot:: ) there is no greater emotional crutch than the hook-up. Change a feeling with a feeling. Get some positive affirmation… get yourself some sweet ass candy in a pretty wrapper. No matter how many times this is tried it always fails. As my friend Rob calls it, “Chasing Tail.” The distraction is the chase and thrill of the hunt. New pussy / dick is always appealing… at first. A new pretty wrapper. A new trick or two experienced and then it’s not new anymore. The wrapper is always more appealing before you open it… sometimes the insides smell bad too. Ew!!!
• Aside from fucking there is the option of getting fucked up. This has short term appeal as well… the sympathy share… “I’m Tommy and I have 2 days back. It all started when my Mom died. Then a few months later my long term relationship ended. Sniffle. I have so much love to give and no one loves me!” Hah. This is a great way to get attention and have tail come to you. Unfortunately the loss of clean time, money, and self respect also come along with it. A few hours in a bar with some jack and a nice drip, laughing to bong hits while watching a movie, grinding your teeth while your ears ring / heart beats out of your chest, or being slumped over in a chair after one too many pills… all of these offer a reprieve from the current state of mind and then they don’t so you need more to push the feelings back again. Meh.
• Finally there is spending. Along with food, this is the preferred distraction of those who have been clean and think they are emotionally healthy. Let’s see, my relationship is over and my mom is dead so I don’t need to buy a house anymore. Hmm, how about an RS7 or a CLS63?! Nice. WRONG! A new pair of sneakers has never solved any problem that I’ve had. A new TV might, but that’s because my current TV has the white dots of death. The car will get dirty or worse… old. Last years model isn’t as nice as this years model. Perhaps someone dings the door or the bumper. A pot hole or a curb damages the rim. While new clothes and a bad ass car might help in the hunt for new pussy those things in themselves don’t provide a sustained distraction or emotional lift.

Aside from food, I have done a pretty good job not falling into these pitfalls of negative distractions the past few years. I did what needed to be done to become a better person. Yes, I said better. I’m a better version of myself than I was a few years ago. In general, I’m a better version of myself than I was a few weeks ago with out all the bullshit hanging over my head. Don’t get me wrong. I get very sad sometimes, but that’s because of the derailment of my future plans. I’m mourning that loss as well as the loss of a friend. It’s especially tough because of everything that is around me… my friend John had a child a few months ago, my friend Mike had a baby the end of August, and to top it all off this morning Adam tells me that his girl is pregnant. Are you kidding me?! You’ve got to be kidding me. LOL. HAHAHA. Huge giant fucking SIGH!! Breathe. Smile. I love all of these guys and I’m happy for each of them while being a little more sad for me at the same time. God has a sense of humor kids. Sometimes, when it rains it pours.

If you're going to run then make it towards something

“No matter how far we ran, we always carried fear with us.” Basic Text, p. 14 ––––=–––– For many of us, fear was a constant factor in our lives before we came to Narcotics Anonymous.   We used because we were afraid to feel emotional or physical pain.  Our fear of people and situations gave us a convenient excuse to use drugs.  A few of us were so afraid of everything that we were unable even to leave our homes without using first. As we stay clean, we replace our fear with a belief in the fellowship, the steps, and a Higher Power.  As this belief grows, our faith in the miracle of recovery begins to color all aspects of our lives.  We start to see ourselves differently.  We realize we are spiritual beings, and we strive to live by spiritual principles. The application of spiritual principles helps eliminate fear from our lives.  By refraining from treating other people in harmful or unlawful ways, we find we needn’t fear how we will be treated in return.  As we practice love, compassion, understanding, and patience in our relationships with others, we are treated in turn with respect and consideration.  We realize these positive changes result from allowing our Higher Power to work through us.  We come to believe—not to think, but to believe—that our Higher Power wants only the best for us.  No matter what the circumstances, we find we can walk in faith instead of fear. ––––=–––– Just for today:  I no longer need to run in fear, but can walk in faith that my Higher Power has only the best in store for me.

There will be times for us all when we struggle, but that is merely a part of this life. I truly believe that my Higher Power wants only the best for me... for all of us. God's grace is easily forgotten when we forget that the whole experience is life. I've been praying a lot this past week. My friends have been great, but I need inner strength and for that I turn to God. I prayed for a reason to smile last night. I asked God to hold me and let me know his love. I've probably mentioned this before.... I rarely dream, but last night I did. It was actually a memory of a day I had back in High School. I hadn't thought about that day in a really long time. It was one of the best days of my life. It reminded me not just of what love can be, but that I have know the beauty of love more than once in my life. I will know it again. Until then... don't forget to smile.

The end result

Panthea broke up with me yesterday.

I didn't ask for an explanation after she said, "I can't see how this can work." She's said this before. She's a smart girl. If she can't find anything in me worth sticking around for then what else is there to say? A 3 minute conversation as an end to several years.

I have done my best to give her my whole heart and focus. The relationship is a failure, but I am not. It's hard to feel any accomplishment in that while I sit here with tears streaming down my face. There will be no more memories. I don't understand how I can be so in love with someone and committed to being with her to then have her tell me that she doesn't want to be with me anymore... sigh. Not being enough is not my fault. That's a tough statement to type, I'm not enough for her, but that doesn't mean that I'm deficient. I don't think I'm lying to myself when I say that. Well, I hope to God that I'm not anyway.

I have succeeded in giving my heart to her. I have succeeded at keeping my side of the street clean by being mindful. Of being aware of what my part needed to be and executing to the best of my ability. I did not cop-out or give up regardless of what was put in front of me. I loved as only I can until I was told to stop. It's so hard to really feel the full impact of that statement though it's a truth that I must accept. Conversations about what happened are fruitless. Internal dialogue about what went wrong will never change the status quo.

Her decision is beyond my control. Her needs are beyond my control. I am tired of being hurt. I don't know how long I could have gone on this way. I don't have a clue why the relationship was this hard for her. I sit here loving her so completely, knowing how open my heart is to seeing that she is safe and secure, but it changes nothing. One person can not love a relationship back to life. CPR can move air into the lungs and blood through the body, but it can not make the heart beat back to life. There will be no more laughter, no more squeaky voice, no cuddles, no lifetime commitment, I will not see her in that beautiful white dress, there will be no holidays at our home with a table full of family, no baby bump to listen and talk to, no little children with too much eye brow hair and little feets... well, none of that with me.

I do have some beautiful memories that will need to be put somewhere. They serve no purpose now other than to create longing. I doubt it's healthy to play the tapes in your head about someone you love when they have asked you to go away and leave them to a life with out you. I'll have to look for answers to this in therapy.

I just to want to fuckin puke right now. Yesterday I was asked to speak about hope at our area NA convention. Is this a little joke between me and my higher power or was it preparation for the tears that won't stop flowing each time I sit down to write some more? Here are a few things that I will have to keep in mind... baby, you have left my broken heart with no choice... please God, take care of this sad sad boy:

• Hope - to cherish a desire with anticipation... well, I guess what I'm hoping for will need to change.
• Today I don't want anyone else's life. I want to live my own... that's a big order at the moment.
• Don't morn the past. Celebrate that we exist at all today... everything that I have done up to this point puts in a position to love myself and someone else with my true heart.
• It's how well we struggle, not how many good times we experience... struggling doesn't mean failure regardless of how beautiful the past may have been. A struggle is an opportunity to learn and to grow.
• The more difficult path leads to life... the seed must grow out of the pod, up through the soil and against gravity to reach the sun. It's never easy to overcome anything, but it can be done and the experience as well as the end result can be so beautiful.
• Shit happens. The event never defines our life. We can smile... no matter what we can go on. There is a joy to be found and a love to be known. Smile. Give it a try. Even if you're crying looking into a hotel room mirror while you type some random blog post. 
• We start fresh. Today is the best it's going to get until you make it different... sadness, ache, loneliness, being overweight, needing a shower, etc. The path to a different place is within you. Move a muscle and take some action. Everything you wish didn't happen already did and you survived. Don't forget to smile.
• Results are important when seeking change, but the journey / the struggle needs to be appreciated... each step we take when we didn't want to or felt we couldn't is a victory.
• Make yourself proud... I'm really struggling with this right now. 
• If you came here with nothing don't worry. You now have the message so you have something amazing... God, please love me and don't let me fall. I'l keep going, but you need to hold me right now. We can do such wonderful things with God's grace if we just don't give up. Sniffle.
• I don't have to be controlled by my past. I will live this new day as the new person I'm becoming. The past will eventually lose control over us and we will be free to live a new life as the people we are today... someone else will find me lovable. I need to carry on as the person I am today, not as the person I was before.
• All things material will wear or break. The only things we get to truly keep are those we sincerely have in our heart... it's okay to try and fail. God will carry me through.
• A plan is a dream with a deadline... i'll just leave that alone right now other than saying that I know that a failure to plan is a plan to fail. It's okay to try and fail, but unfocussed effort achieves very little. Today I will try to smile and not cry every time someone gives me a hug. My dream may be dead, but that doesn't mean that I won't dream again.
• Sometimes I don't care about the repercussions, until the pain from them is my reality... I knew this could happen. No matter how much I feared it might happen I knew I had to try with everything I had. While it seems like 2 years wasted and many unneeded tears I have to remember that I volunteered to be hurt like this. The cause of the pain is mine. I didn't have to allow myself to be in this relationship again.
• God will not go anywhere that I don't invite him. There is a distorted comfort in familiar pain. He is not a God of my convenience. We have to ask God for the knowledge of his will for us. We have to seek another way than what we have known and then take action. If we do what we have always done then we will continue to get what we have always gotten. To get past a feeling takes more than sitting in it. Action is required... so basically all I have the energy for is to type right now. Hopefully carbs and stupidity are not in my future. I know where that leads.
• Success is what happens when opportunity and preparation meet... I am prepared, the rest will follow at some point. I'm sure that patience and gratitude will be required for awhile.

So that's about it for now.