I didn't ask for an explanation after she said, "I can't see how this can work." She's said this before. She's a smart girl. If she can't find anything in me worth sticking around for then what else is there to say? A 3 minute conversation as an end to several years.
I have done my best to give her my whole heart and focus. The relationship is a failure, but I am not. It's hard to feel any accomplishment in that while I sit here with tears streaming down my face. There will be no more memories. I don't understand how I can be so in love with someone and committed to being with her to then have her tell me that she doesn't want to be with me anymore... sigh. Not being enough is not my fault. That's a tough statement to type, I'm not enough for her, but that doesn't mean that I'm deficient. I don't think I'm lying to myself when I say that. Well, I hope to God that I'm not anyway.
I have succeeded in giving my heart to her. I have succeeded at keeping my side of the street clean by being mindful. Of being aware of what my part needed to be and executing to the best of my ability. I did not cop-out or give up regardless of what was put in front of me. I loved as only I can until I was told to stop. It's so hard to really feel the full impact of that statement though it's a truth that I must accept. Conversations about what happened are fruitless. Internal dialogue about what went wrong will never change the status quo.
Her decision is beyond my control. Her needs are beyond my control. I am tired of being hurt. I don't know how long I could have gone on this way. I don't have a clue why the relationship was this hard for her. I sit here loving her so completely, knowing how open my heart is to seeing that she is safe and secure, but it changes nothing. One person can not love a relationship back to life. CPR can move air into the lungs and blood through the body, but it can not make the heart beat back to life. There will be no more laughter, no more squeaky voice, no cuddles, no lifetime commitment, I will not see her in that beautiful white dress, there will be no holidays at our home with a table full of family, no baby bump to listen and talk to, no little children with too much eye brow hair and little feets... well, none of that with me.
I do have some beautiful memories that will need to be put somewhere. They serve no purpose now other than to create longing. I doubt it's healthy to play the tapes in your head about someone you love when they have asked you to go away and leave them to a life with out you. I'll have to look for answers to this in therapy.
I just to want to fuckin puke right now. Yesterday I was asked to speak about hope at our area NA convention. Is this a little joke between me and my higher power or was it preparation for the tears that won't stop flowing each time I sit down to write some more? Here are a few things that I will have to keep in mind... baby, you have left my broken heart with no choice... please God, take care of this sad sad boy:
- Hope - to cherish a desire with anticipation... well, I guess what I'm hoping for will need to change.
- Today I don't want anyone else's life. I want to live my own... that's a big order at the moment.
- Don't morn the past. Celebrate that we exist at all today... everything that I have done up to this point puts in a position to love myself and someone else with my true heart.
- It's how well we struggle, not how many good times we experience... struggling doesn't mean failure regardless of how beautiful the past may have been. A struggle is an opportunity to learn and to grow.
- The more difficult path leads to life... the seed must grow out of the pod, up through the soil and against gravity to reach the sun. It's never easy to overcome anything, but it can be done and the experience as well as the end result can be so beautiful.
- Shit happens. The event never defines our life. We can smile... no matter what we can go on. There is a joy to be found and a love to be known. Smile. Give it a try. Even if you're crying looking into a hotel room mirror while you type some random blog post.
- We start fresh. Today is the best it's going to get until you make it different... sadness, ache, loneliness, being overweight, needing a shower, etc. The path to a different place is within you. Move a muscle and take some action. Everything you wish didn't happen already did and you survived. Don't forget to smile.
- Results are important when seeking change, but the journey / the struggle needs to be appreciated... each step we take when we didn't want to or felt we couldn't is a victory.
- Make yourself proud... I'm really struggling with this right now.
- If you came here with nothing don't worry. You now have the message so you have something amazing... God, please love me and don't let me fall. I'l keep going, but you need to hold me right now. We can do such wonderful things with God's grace if we just don't give up. Sniffle.
- I don't have to be controlled by my past. I will live this new day as the new person I'm becoming. The past will eventually lose control over us and we will be free to live a new life as the people we are today... someone else will find me lovable. I need to carry on as the person I am today, not as the person I was before.
- All things material will wear or break. The only things we get to truly keep are those we sincerely have in our heart... it's okay to try and fail. God will carry me through.
- A plan is a dream with a deadline... i'll just leave that alone right now other than saying that I know that a failure to plan is a plan to fail. It's okay to try and fail, but unfocussed effort achieves very little. Today I will try to smile and not cry every time someone gives me a hug. My dream may be dead, but that doesn't mean that I won't dream again.
- Sometimes I don't care about the repercussions, until the pain from them is my reality... I knew this could happen. No matter how much I feared it might happen I knew I had to try with everything I had. While it seems like 2 years wasted and many unneeded tears I have to remember that I volunteered to be hurt like this. The cause of the pain is mine. I didn't have to allow myself to be in this relationship again.
- God will not go anywhere that I don't invite him. There is a distorted comfort in familiar pain. He is not a God of my convenience. We have to ask God for the knowledge of his will for us. We have to seek another way than what we have known and then take action. If we do what we have always done then we will continue to get what we have always gotten. To get past a feeling takes more than sitting in it. Action is required... so basically all I have the energy for is to type right now. Hopefully carbs and stupidity are not in my future. I know where that leads.
- Success is what happens when opportunity and preparation meet... I am prepared, the rest will follow at some point. I'm sure that patience and gratitude will be required for awhile.
So that's about it for now.
