Tonight I had a conversation with someone about our "relationship." At the suggestion of my therapist, I drew a clear line for this woman about what I was capable of giving her. Not just right now... ever. I wasn't mean. I can say what I mean with out being mean. I needed to make sure that she understood I don't want to be in her way and I won't allow her to be in mine. She immediately became defensive and stated that she didn't mean to imply that she required a commitment. I explained that she didn't do anything of the sort and that my concern was that this was floating around, but unsaid. She started crying and told me a bunch of personal information about herself. Afterwards, I think her openness made her feel weak. We soon parted ways for the evening.
Why is it that good intentions sometimes meet with negative reactions? I can only speculate that our intentions do not match up to what others want. I wanted to be open and honest. No games or misunderstandings. She would prefer to leave things unsaid. I don't believe that she had absolutely no hope or expectation of more. Maybe she would have been okay never having a direct conversation about a future, but it didn't sit right with me. Let me be clear that it is okay to want commitment. Had she told me that she couldn't move forward with out a commitment I would have understood. In having this conversation with her I was ready for my stance to be a deal breaker and would have walked away with out hard feelings. My goal was to put how I felt on the table and make sure she acknowledged what I could commit to. When I was with Panthea, I thought that we had a possibility for a future because I didn't listen when she told me otherwise. I will not allow that same thing to happen to anyone else who has a "relationship" with me. False hope is a lie. It cuts just as deep as direct deception. It is up to us to let our partner know exactly where they stand. Good or bad. Love or otherwise.
This was not a comfortable conversation for me. I like this person and enjoy spending time with her. I had no desire to hurt her... which is why I told her now rather than at some point down the line. I could have avoided this uncomfortable conversation, but that's not who I am anymore. My gut told me that I needed to do this, my support system confirmed it, and I did it. I'm responsible for my actions. To keep my side of the street clean. It's the only way I can know my God's will. When I clog my mind and my spirit with self deception and fail to dig down to the exact nature of my reasons I lose sight of God's will for me. I spend my time trying to convince myself of something rather than putting all of my energy into following the path that feels right. Yes, feels right. That doesn't mean the easy path. It's not always easy to do what is right... nor are the repercussions of doing what is right always easy.
Some of us are never wrong and therefore never feel the need to apologize. We're so confident in the certainty of our actions that our reactions to others, who don't see things our way, borders on condescension. When we mature that changes. We see our faulty reactions for the mistakes they are and try to make amends for how we expressed our emotions. In the recovery process we will form relationships with people who eventually trust us with the details of the mistakes they have made in their lives. If we are far enough along in our process we empathize with their guilt and shame. We do not judge them for their past. Eventually it sinks in that we too can let go of our guilt and shame as we have encouraged others to do. That we also qualify for compassion and forgiveness of our past actions as well. We must allow change to happen. We can try to check our reactions with our support system, but we will only gain honest feedback by telling the whole truth including the exact nature of our reasons for feeling this way. Yes, the openness will make us uncomfortable. Yes, we may uncover a few contradictions in our lives, but this is how we move forward. We push through the fear of how others may view us and get down to what truly exists. Make no mistake, this is always an uncomfortable place. We cannot live in conflict. When we find contradictions we must examine them and eliminate them. In time we will see that state of being is our bedrock and this real truth is the only thing we can build upon.
