Yesterday put more than one smile on my face. I got plenty of rest and today started fine. I worked in the office for a few hours with a couple of the kids. We entered about 100 orders. It's a short week so the office needs to give the warehouse every chance to get these orders out the door before we shut down for the holiday. Everything went well so as we were wrapping up for the afternoon I remembered that I still needed to buy one of my sisters a Christmas gift. Somehow I got it in my head that she might want something that related to her relationship with our mother. I looked at figurines, jewelry, and paintings. At some point I realized that I felt uneasy. My stomach was in knots, I had chills / goose bump things, and I had tightness in various muscles. I guess that in looking for something that showed how wonderful my sisters relationship with my mom was it reminded me of how much I miss my relationship with her.
This isn't an easy time of the year for me even when my Mom was alive, but now it's even more difficult. 8 years ago tonight I was bing using everything I could put into the garbage can of my body because I was going to rehab in the morning (tomorrow 12/22 is my 8 year anniversary). For most of the last 8 years I watched my family slowly drift apart as we watched cancer take our mother from us. Her failing health changed the holiday experience and each year we lost a bit of her and the routine we grew up with. Last year at this time my mother's cancer had us all at her bedside in the hospital. Thankfully she was released for Christmas Eve and Christmas Day, but went back in shortly afterwards and died there in early January. Panthea, who held my heart together last year at this time, is no longer in my life. These thoughts, one after another, came to me this afternoon. The sadness and loss hung over me. My phone rang a lot today. No one called specifically about this and I didn't mention it to anyone. I wanted the feelings to go away. I wanted the wave of emotion to pass over me and be gone, but it lingered.
I laughed this afternoon. I laughed at terrible jokes about Africans liking football teams from Ohio (the Browns and the Bengals). I laughed harder than the punch lines warranted... till the tears flowed from my eyes. I didn't cry / sob, bit the emotion was released. I don't know if it was the proper way. Some people will say that there isn't a proper way. Regardless, I felt better and now a few hours later I feel okay. I'm going to bed now and I will get a good night sleep. Somehow peace is in my heart and I am grateful.
Not every day is perfect. It's possible that the best day of my life is behind me. However, I am confidant that there are more smiles to come in the future :)
Sorry if the picture is a repost, but it's appropriately inspirational at the moment.
