I go to therapy every week. We discuss what's going on in my head. I talk a lot. Then I ask a lot of questions and we discuss concepts and possible underlying feelings. She assures me that everything is normal. I think she's wrong. I'm full of contradictions. How can my head know what is right and my heart want the complete opposite? A person can't live this way. It'll drive ya nuts...
I fill my life with distractions. As many or as few as I desire. Yippee ::eye roll:: They are just that... distractions. None of these things are what I really want and it's pretty frustrating. "Don't worry. It's normal." It's like a broken record. I've asked if these feelings are healthy and my therapist says that there's nothing wrong with them. I wish I could agree. It sounds like double talk to me sometimes... nothing is appropriate or inappropriate... Really? Well, unless it's harmful. Is this harmful? It's normal. Meh.
Distractions. That's all they are. They are there to divert your attention. There's no spark in these things. Where is the fuckin' zing? I enjoy them like I enjoy scrambled eggs. They're better than fine, but not what I really want. Then why eat eggs? Good question. I guess because there isn't much mess and if you add other stuff to them then they taste okay and fill you up... kinda. Do I need another fish? Maybe a bird this time? How about a dog? I say dog because they don't stay fluffy little puppies very long. Can you take little dogs jogging? I have no idea. ::random::
Back to the issue at hand. Maybe it's the weather. Maybe it's that pink lipstick looks amazing when she smiles. ;) Maybe it's that I haven't eaten carbs in 2 weeks. Maybe I'm tired of Boston Market. Maybe 20 pounds in 17 days isn't enough considering there is still another 80 to go. Yes, 80. I'm a fat fuck. You're probably a little chubby too so fuck you, fatty. Maybe it's fancy flowery hat thingy envy. Maybe I want a GTR, in white with the carbon fiber package. Maybe I'm having a mid life crisis. I'm 40 now. Maybe I'm an idiot for even considering that car when I live in an area where it fuckin' SNOWS. Maybe I'm going nuts because there was 2 feet of snow on my building's driveway due to the old snow removal guy really dropping the fuckin' ball. I say the old one because I fired him and replaced him this afternoon. Maybe just maybe none of this shit really matters when you have little feets to come home to... ::sigh::
I don't know anymore. I don't know what is supposed to bother me and what should just wash over me. There isn't a particular mountain to climb that I can see. Maybe that's the problem. Is this when I should be tapping or when I should be deep breathing? :) Anyway, what I do know is that I can't continue on this way. The contradictions will tear me apart. They jeopardize my integrity. I can't be consistent if this keeps up. I'm wasting energy trying to convince myself that something is okay. Grr. If I need to convince myself that something is okay then I'm wrong. It blocks me from seeing God's will. It clouds my judgement and causes me to make wrong turns or worse... it paralyses me and I go nowhere.
What the hell is it that I'm supposed to accept here, God? Am I avoiding something? I can't see how that's possible considering how much I talk about this. Why does it feel like I'm getting weaker?... that these feelings are taking over me? I'd gladly walk through this if I could see the end of it. Then again, why does that even matter? I know all things will pass. At some point, this has to come to an end. Good or bad. Everything comes to an end. Like I said, I frickin' know this!!11one Grrrr. I have many many examples of this in my life. The evidence is overwhelming.
God, where did all the time go? Why can't time pass fast enough now?
I wish I could go back to the start.
Damn you, song lyrics...
