Tuesday, January 27, 2015

Is change possible?

A few days ago I wrote about integrity. I defined it as honesty and consistency. I even mentioned that I had it... Hmm. Lately I've been up at night with questions floating around my head. Where was my integrity 8 years ago? Where was my integrity in 2011 when I asked Panthea to marry me?... when I threw us a big party and invited everyone we cared about to be witness to my everlasting love of her. ::sigh::

There are days that I forget what an asshole I was for asking her to marry me. She didn't ask me. I asked her to be with me and only me for as long as we both shall live. She would have been fine for leaving things just as they were at the time. Not only was that offer to be with only her forever untrue, but I also took it a step further and initiated the engagement party. The engagement party is a celebration of the only me and you forever and ever promise. My family and her family were there... some of her family came from overseas and some of her family friends came from different states. I allowed all of this to happen even though I was lying and cheating on her. I stood in front of everyone and accepted their congratulations for basically being a con artist. Where was my integrity then?

Fortunately for Panthea, she didn't have to depend on my integrity or lack of it. A few weeks after the party she found out I was cheating. Who ever told her saved her from a lifetime of deceit. That person saved her from something impure... me. I can only imagine the grief and the embarrassment the next time she faced each person at that party. She had thought that she found love... maybe she had, but she never received it back. Not in the way love is meant to be anyway... with integrity: honest and consistent.

A few years later Panthea allowed me back into her life. There were times when we discussed her grief. We never spoke about her other feelings. If the situation had been reversed I know that I would have used. I could never have been as strong as she was when faced with those other feelings. I could never have gone on with those feeling running around inside my sick head. She carried on. She has integrity... and she taught it to me.

God spared me the pain of deception. Panthea didn't cheat on me. I don't think she lied to me either. He knew that I wouldn't have been able to move through it. Eventually He did allow me to try to make amends to her for the lies, deceit, and the pain. Our renewed relationship lasted about 18 months. If results of the relationship mean anything then I guess I never made amends. I don't know if I ever truly had a chance to... maybe it's impossible to make amends for hurting someone that much. I guess it's true that a broken heart can never be put back together because, like a broken piece of glass, not all the little pieces can ever be found... so the heart is never whole again in regards to the person who caused the pain. I doubt I'll ever know why things didn't work out. It's unlikely that I could have maintained my integrity while changing the outcome. I can say that I did all that I could with all that I had. I lived and loved her with integrity... I still do. ::le sniffz::

It's not easy being filled with so much emotion. For better or for worse, I listen to her voicemails sometimes. Occasionally they make me sad, but mostly they make me smile through the tears. Eventually I'll delete them, but until then they'll remind me of the best days of my life thus far. I thank God and her for that. Even though Panthea is gone now, I still have a reason to smile... and I have integrity. She lived with it, taught it to me, and demanded that I practice it in my daily life. With out her love, I would never have had a reason to change.

I know it's crazy, but I would like to think that God inspired the following song lyrics: