Tonight I will go to a meeting and share about this. I will pour my heart out and receive love and hugs in return. I will feel better than I do now as I write this, but... well, there is no replacing what has been lost. My mother was a unique woman who truly loved first and worried about the details later. I don't know if I will ever feel as safe or at peace as I did a year or two ago. I had my mother in stable physical condition, Panthea at my side and we were a strong team back then, work was going well... I had the world by the short and curlies.
The times and the arrangement of things have changed. My therapist and I work on living in the moment. I have some really good stuff going on right now. Unfortunately, my memories / thoughts aren't what they should be. I wasn't living in the moment a year or so ago. I was consumed with more, bigger, better etc. Lately I've been using the phrase, "go climb the mountain." There is action implied in that statement. That call to action shouldn't be confused with appreciating what is in our lives right now. Appreciate the journey. See each step and look around in wonder at this new place in which you've arrived. Take it all in.
Success and failure are never permanent. Tomorrow will be new... not better or worse, but new. Pay attention to the detail: feel the sun on your face, make note of their eyes when they smile, how you puffed your chest out with satisfaction when it clicked into place that time you figured something out, the ridiculousness of the burned food with smoke detectors ringing in your ears, the sound of their laugh, the joy in your own laugh, driving to work and hearing a great song when it was gray or raining or super cold, etc. My point is that we can't be too distracted by what we're doing to take note of where we are and what is around us. Appreciate where you are, kids. Something new is around the corner... not better or worse, but new.
I love you, Mom. You are missed.
