About 3-1/2 years ago, Panthea left me because I had been cheating on her for most of our relationship. I was morally ambiguous and spiritually corrupt. I was only giving of myself in hopes to get something from you and offered foxhole prayers when the self inflicted stress of my life got to be too much. I had a desire to be a good person, but desire alone gets us nowhere. I was clean, but I wasn't in recovery. Not everyone recovers at the same pace... some are sicker than others... well, not everyone recovers. I was abstinent, but at my core I was still untrusting and untrustworthy.
I'm a different person than I was in August 2011. Make no mistake, I may have 8 years clean, but I only have about 3-1/2 years in recovery. This isn't a secret for the blog. I say it in meetings all the time. I have done and continue to do the work required to say that I have integrity. It's why I choose to have these men in my life and they have also chosen me to be in theirs.
I have good people in my life and have acquired some stuff because of God's grace. I am under no illusions about it. I try to let my gratitude show in my prayers, words with others, and actions in general. The road has been more than a little rocky lately, but I have been able to stay consistent. I have evidence that if I stay on track, being honest and consistent to the best of my ability, God will continue to remove the obstacles to my happiness. The requirement is that I continue to move forward. I have to accept the feelings or circumstances that are challenging and realize that they are temporary. I'm moving forward so any difficulty right now will eventually be behind me. When I'm finally on the other side of this thought, feeling, or circumstance I will find myself in a new place with different opportunities as well as new knowledge and insight about who I am. Knowing who I am, where I stand, and the feeling of accomplishment always brings me peace. For now I'll leave you with this: If you go to the beach and stay where the waves break you will be pummeled and eventually knocked off your feet. However, if you push past the breaking waves you find yourself in much calmer waters.
Keep going.
Have faith.
Don't forget to smile :)
Post Script - I tried to make amends to Panthea for the pain I caused, but it didn't work out. We showed each other love. That's the best that I could do. While the relationship was a failure, the experience of having the relationship was not. Fail better... ::le sniffz::
