That zing

 

Someday.

Until then... 

Chin up

Don't forget to smile

And thank God for pop music song lyrics :)

Very scientific

 

I go to therapy every week. We discuss what's going on in my head. I talk a lot. Then I ask a lot of questions and we discuss concepts and possible underlying feelings. She assures me that everything is normal. I think she's wrong. I'm full of contradictions. How can my head know what is right and my heart want the complete opposite? A person can't live this way. It'll drive ya nuts...

I fill my life with distractions. As many or as few as I desire. Yippee ::eye roll:: They are just that... distractions. None of these things are what I really want and it's pretty frustrating. "Don't worry. It's normal." It's like a broken record. I've asked if these feelings are healthy and my therapist says that there's nothing wrong with them. I wish I could agree. It sounds like double talk to me sometimes... nothing is appropriate or inappropriate... Really? Well, unless it's harmful. Is this harmful? It's normal. Meh.

Distractions. That's all they are. They are there to divert your attention. There's no spark in these things. Where is the fuckin' zing? I enjoy them like I enjoy scrambled eggs. They're better than fine, but not what I really want. Then why eat eggs? Good question. I guess because there isn't much mess and if you add other stuff to them then they taste okay and fill you up... kinda. Do I need another fish? Maybe a bird this time? How about a dog? I say dog because they don't stay fluffy little puppies very long. Can you take little dogs jogging? I have no idea. ::random::

Back to the issue at hand. Maybe it's the weather. Maybe it's that pink lipstick looks amazing when she smiles. ;) Maybe it's that I haven't eaten carbs in 2 weeks. Maybe I'm tired of Boston Market. Maybe 20 pounds in 17 days isn't enough considering there is still another 80 to go. Yes, 80. I'm a fat fuck. You're probably a little chubby too so fuck you, fatty. Maybe it's fancy flowery hat thingy envy. Maybe I want a GTR, in white with the carbon fiber package. Maybe I'm having a mid life crisis. I'm 40 now. Maybe I'm an idiot for even considering that car when I live in an area where it fuckin' SNOWS. Maybe I'm going nuts because there was 2 feet of snow on my building's driveway due to the old snow removal guy really dropping the fuckin' ball. I say the old one because I fired him and replaced him this afternoon. Maybe just maybe none of this shit really matters when you have little feets to come home to... ::sigh::

I don't know anymore. I don't know what is supposed to bother me and what should just wash over me. There isn't a particular mountain to climb that I can see. Maybe that's the problem. Is this when I should be tapping or when I should be deep breathing? :) Anyway, what I do know is that I can't continue on this way. The contradictions will tear me apart. They jeopardize my integrity. I can't be consistent if this keeps up. I'm wasting energy trying to convince myself that something is okay. Grr. If I need to convince myself that something is okay then I'm wrong. It blocks me from seeing God's will. It clouds my judgement and causes me to make wrong turns or worse... it paralyses me and I go nowhere. 

What the hell is it that I'm supposed to accept here, God? Am I avoiding something? I can't see how that's possible considering how much I talk about this. Why does it feel like I'm getting weaker?... that these feelings are taking over me? I'd gladly walk through this if I could see the end of it. Then again, why does that even matter? I know all things will pass. At some point, this has to come to an end. Good or bad. Everything comes to an end. Like I said, I frickin' know this!!11one Grrrr. I have many many examples of this in my life. The evidence is overwhelming. 

God, where did all the time go? Why can't time pass fast enough now? 

I wish I could go back to the start.

But you can't go back. Not ever. So keep it moving and get out of this thought, place, feeling, blah blah blah.

Damn you, song lyrics...

Is change possible?

A few days ago I wrote about integrity. I defined it as honesty and consistency. I even mentioned that I had it... Hmm. Lately I've been up at night with questions floating around my head. Where was my integrity 8 years ago? Where was my integrity in 2011 when I asked Panthea to marry me?... when I threw us a big party and invited everyone we cared about to be witness to my everlasting love of her. ::sigh::

There are days that I forget what an asshole I was for asking her to marry me. She didn't ask me. I asked her to be with me and only me for as long as we both shall live. She would have been fine for leaving things just as they were at the time. Not only was that offer to be with only her forever untrue, but I also took it a step further and initiated the engagement party. The engagement party is a celebration of the only me and you forever and ever promise. My family and her family were there... some of her family came from overseas and some of her family friends came from different states. I allowed all of this to happen even though I was lying and cheating on her. I stood in front of everyone and accepted their congratulations for basically being a con artist. Where was my integrity then?

Fortunately for Panthea, she didn't have to depend on my integrity or lack of it. A few weeks after the party she found out I was cheating. Who ever told her saved her from a lifetime of deceit. That person saved her from something impure... me. I can only imagine the grief and the embarrassment the next time she faced each person at that party. She had thought that she found love... maybe she had, but she never received it back. Not in the way love is meant to be anyway... with integrity: honest and consistent.

A few years later Panthea allowed me back into her life. There were times when we discussed her grief. We never spoke about her other feelings. If the situation had been reversed I know that I would have used. I could never have been as strong as she was when faced with those other feelings. I could never have gone on with those feeling running around inside my sick head. She carried on. She has integrity... and she taught it to me.

God spared me the pain of deception. Panthea didn't cheat on me. I don't think she lied to me either. He knew that I wouldn't have been able to move through it. Eventually He did allow me to try to make amends to her for the lies, deceit, and the pain. Our renewed relationship lasted about 18 months. If results of the relationship mean anything then I guess I never made amends. I don't know if I ever truly had a chance to... maybe it's impossible to make amends for hurting someone that much. I guess it's true that a broken heart can never be put back together because, like a broken piece of glass, not all the little pieces can ever be found... so the heart is never whole again in regards to the person who caused the pain. I doubt I'll ever know why things didn't work out. It's unlikely that I could have maintained my integrity while changing the outcome. I can say that I did all that I could with all that I had. I lived and loved her with integrity... I still do. ::le sniffz::

It's not easy being filled with so much emotion. For better or for worse, I listen to her voicemails sometimes. Occasionally they make me sad, but mostly they make me smile through the tears. Eventually I'll delete them, but until then they'll remind me of the best days of my life thus far. I thank God and her for that. Even though Panthea is gone now, I still have a reason to smile... and I have integrity. She lived with it, taught it to me, and demanded that I practice it in my daily life. With out her love, I would never have had a reason to change.

I know it's crazy, but I would like to think that God inspired the following song lyrics:

It snowed and then some

I woke to the above snow totals on the ground so far. Medford is a neighboring town to where I live so it appears we're pretty screwed. It's still snowing and there will be an additional 3" to 6" more before the storm moves on out. Meh.

This storm doesn't just make life hard for people. The animals in the Bronx Zoo aren't very happy either.

Stocking up

 

 Bread and milk? Fucking amateurs...

Low carb foe life, son

I repeat... THIS IS NOT A DRILL

This is not a drill!

I think I'd rather buy plane tickets than a snow blower.

Tonight's the night

Tonight in Deer Park I will be celebrating my anniversary. There will be 4 speakers. Each one has impacted me in an appreciable way during the last 4 years. While we all love to joke and laugh, there are very distinct differences between where they each came from and what each of their lives are like today. They know each other, but it's unlikely they would call each other to hang out. Their personalities are wildly different and yet they all share a common trait in their recovery: integrity.

About 3-1/2 years ago, Panthea left me because I had been cheating on her for most of our relationship. I was morally ambiguous and spiritually corrupt. I was only giving of myself in hopes to get something from you and offered foxhole prayers when the self inflicted stress of my life got to be too much. I had a desire to be a good person, but desire alone gets us nowhere. I was clean, but I wasn't in recovery. Not everyone recovers at the same pace... some are sicker than others... well, not everyone recovers. I was abstinent, but at my core I was still untrusting and untrustworthy.

I'm a different person than I was in August 2011. Make no mistake, I may have 8 years clean, but I only have about 3-1/2 years in recovery. This isn't a secret for the blog. I say it in meetings all the time. I have done and continue to do the work required to say that I have integrity. It's why I choose to have these men in my life and they have also chosen me to be in theirs.

I have good people in my life and have acquired some stuff because of God's grace. I am under no illusions about it. I try to let my gratitude show in my prayers, words with others, and actions in general. The road has been more than a little rocky lately, but I have been able to stay consistent. I have evidence that if I stay on track, being honest and consistent to the best of my ability, God will continue to remove the obstacles to my happiness. The requirement is that I continue to move forward. I have to accept the feelings or circumstances that are challenging and realize that they are temporary. I'm moving forward so any difficulty right now will eventually be behind me. When I'm finally on the other side of this thought, feeling, or circumstance I will find myself in a new place with different opportunities as well as new knowledge and insight about who I am. Knowing who I am, where I stand, and the feeling of accomplishment always brings me peace. For now I'll leave you with this: If you go to the beach and stay where the waves break you will be pummeled and eventually knocked off your feet. However, if you push past the breaking waves you find yourself in much calmer waters.

Keep going.

Have faith.

Don't forget to smile :)

 

Post Script - I tried to make amends to Panthea for the pain I caused, but it didn't work out. We showed each other love. That's the best that I could do. While the relationship was a failure, the experience of  having the relationship was not. Fail better... ::le sniffz::

I hope this is real

Just another reason to have a passcode on your phone

There there, little one

 

I think I would not have been able to contain my laughter while this was going on. 

The screeching got a giggle.

The foot stomping earned a bark of laughter that had the whole office wanting the link.

Throwing a fit like this is going to get you attention... probably not the type of attention you want, but I promise everyone will look at you and someone is going to record it.

It could have been worse. Think of these guys:

At least something made me smile today

::smirk::

Somedays are pretty difficult. I've read about grief and break-ups. So the feelings are normal... great. It's been almost 3 months. Today sucked. I teared up. The Packers lost. The Patriots won. I listened to some voicemails. I can't eat ice cream. Sigh. I'm going to bed and try to reset my brain.

Not Fair

This is a bunch a bullshit. Now these fuckin' flavors have to come out?! It's taking forever to overcome the carb cravings and then this happens...

Ben and Jerry must know that half the friggin' country makes a new years resolution to eat healthier. What is it guys? To combat slumping post holiday sales you release new ice cream flavors during the coldest month of the year? This isn't a conspiracy. It's a well thought out marketing tool to break the weak from the herd!!!!!11one11!

This is craaap! Crap, I say!! Grrrr. Well played you mother-fathers

::mumbles:: peanut butter cookie ::mumbles::

God grant me the serenity...

Insight

I'm in love!

Make mine decaf

Wow.

Welcome to NYC

Hiii girls... ::insert heavy breathing::

To be fair, he's from Nashville

Let it lift you up

"Belief in a Higher Power can make all the difference when the going gets tough!  When things don’t go our way in recovery, our sponsor may direct us to make a “gratitude list.”  When we do, we should include our faith in a Power greater than ourselves on the list.  One of the greatest gifts we receive from the Twelve Steps is our belief in a God of our own understanding.

The Twelve Steps gently lead us toward a spiritual awakening.  Just as our addiction progressed, so does our spiritual life develop in the course of working the program of Narcotics Anonymous.  The steps are our path to a relationship with a God of our understanding.  This Higher Power gives us strength when our road gets rough.

Are we grateful for our deepening relationship with a Higher Power?  Do we remember to thank God for each day clean, no matter what has happened that day?  Do we remember that, no matter how deep our despair or how great our joy, the God of our understanding is with us?

Our recovery is a gift, a gift that we sometimes take for granted.  Each day we stay clean, we can rejoice in our Higher Power’s care.

––––=––––

Just for today:  I am grateful for my relationship with a Higher Power that cares for me."

For as long as I can remember I watched my mother dance to this song every time it was on. I hope you're still dancing, Mom. I love you tons. I might write more later.

365 days ago

A year ago today we were all at the hospital. My mom was on a respirator and, according to her doctors, she was improved. About 12 hours from now, her condition took a turn for the worse and never recovered.

Tonight I will go to a meeting and share about this. I will pour my heart out and receive love and hugs in return. I will feel better than I do now as I write this, but... well, there is no replacing what has been lost. My mother was a unique woman who truly loved first and worried about the details later. I don't know if I will ever feel as safe or at peace as I did a year or two ago. I had my mother in stable physical condition, Panthea at my side and we were a strong team back then, work was going well... I had the world by the short and curlies.

The times and the arrangement of things have changed. My therapist and I work on living in the moment. I have some really good stuff going on right now. Unfortunately, my memories / thoughts aren't what they should be. I wasn't living in the moment a year or so ago. I was consumed with more, bigger, better etc. Lately I've been using the phrase, "go climb the mountain." There is action implied in that statement. That call to action shouldn't be confused with appreciating what is in our lives right now. Appreciate the journey. See each step and look around in wonder at this new place in which you've arrived. Take it all in.

Success and failure are never permanent. Tomorrow will be new... not better or worse, but new. Pay attention to the detail: feel the sun on your face, make note of their eyes when they smile, how you puffed your chest out with satisfaction when it clicked into place that time you figured something out, the ridiculousness of the burned food with smoke detectors ringing in your ears, the sound of their laugh, the joy in your own laugh, driving to work and hearing a great song when it was gray or raining or super cold, etc. My point is that we can't be too distracted by what we're doing to take note of where we are and what is around us. Appreciate where you are, kids. Something new is around the corner... not better or worse, but new.

I love you, Mom. You are missed.

I wish I was a Toys R Us kid?

“Our spiritual condition is the basis for a successful recovery that offers unlimited growth.” Basic Text, p. 44 ––––=–––– When our members celebrate their recovery anniversaries, they often say that they’ve “grown up” in NA.  Well, then, we think, what does that mean?  We start to wonder if we’re grownups yet.  We check our lives and yes, all the trappings of adulthood are there: the checkbook, the children, the job, the responsibilities.  On the inside, though, we often feel like children.  We’re still confused by life much of the time.  We don’t always know how to act.  We sometimes wonder whether we’re really grownups at all, or whether we’re children who’ve somehow been put into adult bodies and given adult responsibilities. Growth is not best measured by physical age or levels of responsibility.  Our best measure of growth is our spiritual condition, the basis of our recovery.  If we’re still depending on people, places, and things to provide our inner satisfaction, like a child depending on its parents for everything, we do indeed have some growing to do.  But if we stand secure on the foundation of our spiritual condition, considering its maintenance our most important responsibility, we can claim maturity.  Upon that foundation, our opportunities for growth are limitless. ––––=–––– Just for today:  The measure of my maturity is the extent to which I take responsibility for the maintenance of my spiritual condition.  Today, this will be my highest priority.

Went to meet with the bank about my mortgage today and at times it was overwhelming. The reality that I'll have 2 mortgages until I sell the condo makes me uneasy. I might have to carry both places for a month or it might take a year to sell the condo. That's kinda crazy. This is my life? 8 years ago I didn't have anywhere to live and soon I'll be juggling 2 homes.  Where the heck did the time go? Am I ready for this? Careful what you wish for, ladies and gents. 

I often feel like a child with adult responsibilities... you bet your ass I do... well, sometimes anyway. The truth is that feeling uncertain or over my head doesn't mean that I actually am. My feelings don't define my reality. Don't stop. Chin up. Climb the mountain. Don't forget to smile...

... wearing amazing hats is optional :)

Just in case...

Don't forget to smile!

I can't believe it

"Members who have achieved long-term recovery will be the first to admit that the longer they are here, the more they have to learn.  But they do know one thing:  By following this simple Twelve-Step program, they have been able to stay clean.  They no longer ask “why”; they ask “how.”  The value of endless speculation pales in comparison to the experience of addicts who’ve found a way to stay clean and live clean.

This doesn’t mean we don’t ask “why” when it’s appropriate.  We don’t come to NA and stop thinking!  But in the beginning, it’s often a very good idea to reword our questions.  Instead of asking “why,” we ask “how.” How do I work this step?  How often should I attend meetings?  How do I stay clean?

––––=––––

Just for today:  I don’t have all the answers, but I know where to find the ones that matter.  Today, I will ask another addict, “How does it work?”

It doesn't seem possible that something could mean so much to me and yet I've been oblivious to it. How?! Hooowwww is thissss possibllllllllllllle???!!!!! I'm like the absent minded professor. I missed it. This is really unsettling.

Thankfully there is always Amazon! Check out the link to the season pass offer which allows you to watch the last 5 episodes before they air on PBS!!

Hah, I know someone tried to click the picture to watch the video. Silly, rabbit.

::edit:: Yes, I'm aware that I've used a lot of vertical punctuation lately ::edit::

Olympic

Ah hah. Now it makes sense. It's not just a popular diner name :)

So this happened...

It's not as bad as it looks, but it's still no fun. This really could have been much much MUCH worse since the valves under the sink are seized. Imagine one of those hoses breaking and water spitting out at 3-4 gallons per minute with no way to stop the flow. I'm in a condo (think apartment) and the individual units do not have a water main shutoffs. There is only a water main to each group of units. There are 4 in my group. Shutting off the main can only be accomplished by the condo maintenance people and apparently they need a special key / tool.

Between this and the ceiling I guess it's time to move. Coming eventually...

...March isn't what I'd consider to be soon.

This guy...

I'm not an ESPN fan. I don't watch Sports Center every night. It's not about what this man did for a living, it's about who he was... how he carried himself.

He was very clear about what matters: how you live, why you live, and the manner in which you live. There's some overlap there, Stu. I get it though. You could have used 2 points, but the 3 is more... stirring?! He also mentioned something else that was very important: we can't do this alone. We can't always push. There are days when we need the help, love, and encouragement of others as well as our higher power: family, friends, and faith.

I miss you, Mom. I'd love to give you a hug right now. Thank you for showing me the way. Your example lives on in me. I do the best that I can. I hope I make I make you proud. I love you.

I also miss you, Pon. I could use a hug myself right now. I'm not perfect. Right or wrong, I'm doing the best that I can.

Chin up, kids. Accept where you are and move on accordingly. The alternative is pretty shitty so you might as well smile. Even if you have tears in your eyes, go climb the mountain. You may find something shiny along the way that winds up meaning the world to you... if not get a little pup :)

Guacamole?

That's not even close to the first thing that comes to mind. 

It's closer to something they pulled up during an episode of deadliest catch ;) 

Thankfully I have Febreze and a floor fan. 

Tonight I won't have to try to smile.

Some needs are unmet

"Sooner or later, we realize that our greatest need in recovery is “for knowledge of God’s will for us and the strength to carry that out.”  There, we find the direction and sense of purpose our addiction had hidden from us.  In our God’s will we find freedom from self-will. No longer driven only by our own needs, we are free to live with others on an equal footing. There’s nothing wrong with outward success.  But without the spiritual connection offered by the NA program, our greatest need in recovery goes unmet, regardless of how “successful” we may be. ––––=–––– Just for today:  I will seek the fulfillment of my greatest need: a vital, guiding connection with the God of my understanding."

And if that's too deep for you then consider this...

I'd bury my cock in her ass so deep that whoever could pull it out would be crowned the new King Arthur. Oh man. Dat rump. That would be a spiritual experience ;)

Take a deep breath and talk to God

“Sometimes when we pray, a remarkable thing happens:  We find the means, ways, and energies to perform tasks far beyond our capacities.”

Basic Text, p. 46

––––=––––

Coping successfully with life’s minor annoyances and frustrations is sometimes the most difficult skill we have to learn in recovery.  We are faced with small inconveniences daily.  From untangling the knots in our children’s shoelaces to standing in line at the market, our days are filled with minor difficulties that we must somehow deal with.

If we’re not careful, we may find ourselves dealing with these difficulties by bullying our way through each problem or grinding our teeth while giving ourselves a stern lecture about how we should handle them.  These are extreme examples of poor coping skills, but even if we’re not this bad, there’s probably room for improvement.

Each time life presents us with another little setback to our daily plans, we can simply take a deep breath and talk to the God of our understanding.  Knowing we can draw patience, tolerance, or whatever we need from that Power, we find ourselves coping better and smiling more often.

––––=––––

Just for today:  I will take a deep breath and talk to my God whenever I feel frustrated.

It's the journey, not the destination!!!!!1111one1!!  

No one wants to deal with the day to day nonsense that creates no value added: an errant puddle that defaces our new shoes, the guy who is positive he has exact change in one of his dozen pockets, the person who isn't due for a prescription refill, but must have it because they are "goin' on vacation", the homeowner who intends to swap out 10 (yes 10!) light fixtures before they move out of the house you just bought, the guy / gal doing 55 in the left lane creating a traffic jam at 11PM at night, etc etc etc. These are all a part of the journey. There is no way to avoid them or these occasional circumstances.

Take it easy. 

God's got you.

This pain in the rump will be over before you know it. 

Take a deep breath.

Don't forget to smile :)

Go Climb The Mountain

Many times we stare in awe at something beautiful in the distance -

Wow!

Amazing!

I wish...

I wonder...

Maybe...

Someday...

We imagine ourselves in another place, but take no action. Our desires will always be off in the distance until we go and climb the mountain -

We no longer have to settle for someday. From now on let it be today. Let's see what the view is like from the summit. Go get it. Climb the mountain.

Awesome, but vigilant

“We keep what we have only with vigilance...”

Basic Text, p. 60

––––=––––

How do we remain vigilant about our recovery?  First, by realizing that we have a disease we will always have.  No matter how long we’ve been clean, no matter how much better our lives have become, no matter what the extent of our spiritual healing, we are  still addicts.  Our disease waits patiently, ready to spring the trap if we give it the opportunity.

Vigilance is daily accomplishment.  We strive to be constantly alert and ready to deal with signs of trouble.  Not that we should live in irrational fear that something horrible will possess us if we drop our guard for an instant; we just take normal precautions.  Daily prayer, regular meeting attendance, and choosing not to compromise spiritual principles for the easier way are acts of vigilance.  We take inventory as necessary, share with others whenever we are asked, and carefully nurture our recovery.  Above all, we stay aware!

We have a daily reprieve from our addiction as long as we remain vigilant.  Each day, we carry the principles of recovery into all we do, and each night, we thank our Higher Power for another day clean.

––––=––––

Just for today:  I will be vigilant, doing everything necessary to guard my recovery.

I wonder if I'm the only person who hears a song in a dance hall and then can't wait to download it to hear it played on my car stereo... I can't be the only one haha