Panthea and I have been e-mailing. One of things that has come up is the unknown future. She's still very hurt and doesn't want to speak to me. I understand her reasons and abide by them. Recently, she told me that she still cares about me. It's not the same as saying that she loves me, but it's much better than saying she doesn't care at all. It's impossible to know if she means that she cares about me the way that I care about my friends or she means that she cares for me the way she did a month ago. I'm not going to ask her to clarify because she probably doesn't know herself. The unknown is scary. It makes me very uncomfortable. Sometimes I'm okay with it, but most of the time I'm not. Whether it be my work or social life, I don't enjoy leaving things to chance. I guess that makes me boring. I don't find it exciting to wonder about my future. I have a hard time with the serenity prayer:
God grant me the serenity
To accept the things I can not change;
Courage to change the things that I can;
And the wisdom to know the difference.
The wisdom to know the difference?! That's the key isn't it. I'm not wise. If I was wise then I wouldn't be in this position. I wouldn't be losing the love of my life. Both my therapist and my sponsor told me that just because she moves into her new place on Saturday ::sniffle:: doesn't mean that there is no hope for some sort of reconciliation in the future. I'm also told to free my heart to letting her go so that I'm not disappointed if she doesn't return. How can I do that?!!!! How can I let the love of my life go with out a peep. I was told to act as if... meaning that I need to act as if I'm okay with letting her go so that she is freed to live her life without me. That sounds great, but in practice it's killing me. She's beautiful. She's smart. She's cuddly. She laughs at my stupid jokes. She is sexy as all hell. Yesterday I sent her an e-mail telling her that she should date other people and, in a very round about way, that she should allow herself to sleep with other people if she has a desire to do so. Am I out of my fucking mind?!!!! Any guy would love to have her in his life. Christ, I want her in my life. I'd sell my house and move to Iowa to farm pig shit if she wanted me to just so I can hear her say, "Hi, baby" when I walk in the door and get a big hug. She's going to do whatever she wants anyway, but man thinking about her in a romantic embrace with someone else... well, lets just say that I was crying like a baby when I wrote that e-mail to her. Yes, it's selfish. Yes, I know that she probably has thought about me and with someone else and it hurts her. I know all of these things, but it's hard not to notice the pain in my chest that accompanies these thoughts.
Why talk about this now? Well, NA (narcotics anonymous) has a book called "Just For Today." The book is 366 daily meditations for drug addicts to reflect on... one per day and one for leap year. Anyway, today's reading was this:
September 14
Secrets Are Reservations
"Eventually we are shown that we must get honest, or we will use again." - Basic Text p.82
Everyone has secrets, right? Some of us have little secrets, items that would cause only minor embarrassment if found out. Some of us have big secrets, whole areas of our lives cloaked in thick, murky darkness. Big secrets may represent a more obvious, immediate danger to our recovery. But the little secrets do their own kind of damage, the more insidious perhaps because we think they're "harmless!"
Big or little, our secrets represent spiritual territory we are unwilling to surrender to the principles of recovery. The longer we reserve pieces of our lives to be ruled by self-will and the more vigorously we defend our "right" to hold onto them, the more damage we do. Gradually, the unsurrendered territories of our lives tend to expand, taking more and more ground.
Whether the secrets in our lives are big or little, sooner or later they bring us to the same place. We must choose-either we surrender everything to our program, or we will lose our recovery.
Just for today: I want the kind of recovery that comes from total surrender to the program. Today I will talk with my sponsor and disclose my secrets, big or small. - pg. 268
Wow. Tonight I'm sharing the 20 things that I'm most ashamed of (secrets) and the 20 things that I'm most thankful for with my sponsor. Things relating to Panthea are more than a half dozen of the items on my combined lists. My 21st secret is that is that I lied to her yesterday. I don't want her to be with anyone else. I love her and my heart is a heaping pile of ash. The books say that I have to let go of her. That she needs to be free of me and that I need to be free of her. It's been 4 weeks since she left me because I cheated. I feel worse about cheating on her today then I did 4 weeks ago. The more I talk about this, the worse I feel. I'm losing her. I adore this girl (young woman for the PC crowd) and the thought of someone else holding her in a romantic way is totally fucking ripping through my insides like a tornado of razor blades. Sigh. I can't keep feeling this way. It's such a drain. I need some peace. When you see me, give me a hug and don't let go if I start crying. I'm sharing with people in the fellowship privately as well as publicly proclaiming what I've done in meetings. I'm praying when I can get past the embarrassment of ruining the biggest blessing I've ever received. I'm crying until I shake when find some unexpected love note from her in the house. I'm using cognitive coping skills when my thoughts go to a bad place. I'm using relaxation techniques that the therapist gave me. I'm doing everything that I'm told to do to the letter and so far all I can say is that I don't want to move on. I don't want anyone else. I want my little Pon. I want my baby back. EXHALE.
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