A friend of mine is having bypass surgery tomorrow. It's a bit unexpected and thankfully it's not an outright emergency. He's a round fellow. He has diabetes from eating high carb and drinking alcohol, but overall you wouldn't think he had these type of health issues if you knew him. Bill, you'll be in my prayers tonight. ::edit - Bill had a triple bypass at noon today. One of his blockages was at 80% and the doctors didn't want to wait. It's 4:15 now and he's still in surgery.::
I've been thinking about health issues lately. One of the things that's been on my mind is that I've contracted an STD due to my affair and could have potentially passed it on to Panthea. That's really a tough weight to have on my mind. The disease is called HPV (http://www.cdc.gov/std/hpv/stdfact-hpv-and-men.htm). While it's unlikely that the type that I have will develop into any serious health problem for me, the idea that it could have been something potentially deadly is scary. I don't know what the woman who I had the affair with knew about her infection. There's so much misinformation about HPV because there are 40 different types that can be transmitted sexually. She told me a story and was apologetic, but it's little consolation for the potential outcome.
I had an affair for years. I had unprotected sex during that affair which could have led to a handful of different diseases that could have gotten Panthea so sick that they kill. Even with HPV, I could have given her a strain that's a life long illness that eventually led to cervical cancer and an inability to have children. WOW. I mean come on... what the fuck is the matter with me? I've been doing the writing for Step 1 and it's a lot to take in. This kind of situation is the reality that my self absorbed and centered behavior could create. Panthea's the love of my life. She's my best friend and I left her health to chance so I could go run away from my problems... AGAIN. I've got almost 5 years clean and I did this... I shudder to think about the way I acted and treated people when I was using. Step 1 reminds me that the self centered nature of my disease held everyone hostage when I was active. Mentally, Emotionally, Spiritually, and Physically I've done things that make me cringe as I recall them and write them down. No wonder they say don't get into the working guide with out a sponsor. It really kicks up some shit.
I've been smoking like 3 packs a day since Panthea left because of my betrayal. I've been eating sweets almost every night which has caused me to gain 10 or 12 LBS. I haven't slept well in weeks and I feel like I'm burning the candle at both ends. I need to keep my self in check. I need to keep my physical health in the front of my mind. Mind and body work together and this is the only body that I'll ever have.
