Panthea's responses to my last post

1. FRM:Panthea S*****r MSG:"We attract what we are." Fuck you, asshole. I'm not a sick, lying, cheater who hurts everyone around me then blames them for it.t - I don't know if this was the whole message

2. 1 of 2 FRM:Panthea S*****r MSG:Use your judgement. Who fucked this up? Me or you? Who owned the sick lies? Who needed help? If you had any (Con't) 2 of 2 judgement you'd tell your sponsor to go fuck himself. s(End) 

3. 1 of 2 FRM:Panthea S*****r MSG:Once again, you've confirmed your spot as the biggest fucking asshole I've ever met. Never again. Maybe (Con't) 2 of 2 that'll help you move on. I will never be with you again. Try to find someone "better".t(End)

EXHALE

Love,

I didn't write anything to hurt you or tarnish your name. I don't do that. I wrote it because it vexes me. He said what he said and then I said:

The point here is that while all this sounds real good, the fact remains that 4 weeks later I still love this girl with all of me. I'm not saying that some of shine hasn't rubbed off the apple these past 4 or 5 years, but she remains my favorite person in the world. Yes, her e-mails kill me, but they're required. Last night something she said cut me up and I didn't fall asleep until about 3am. I did some reading and some step work as a distraction. The further away she pushes me the easier it will be to let go. I guess some day I'll look back on the e-mails and be thankful she did for me what I can't do for myself. As my sponsor said, "When the pain gets great enough we stop. This applies to everything, Tom."

I didn't agree with his statement, but one of the suggestions in NA is, "Don't tell help how to help." Another is, "Take the cotton out of your ears and put it in your mouth." Baby, I'm hurting. I know that you're hurting.  I miss you tons. You're my best friend and my favorite person. As I stated above, I don't want anyone else to love me. I don't want to try and love someone else either.

Last night you told me that your head and heart are in conflict so you're going with your head. That means that you're leaving us behind and moving on. While that's healthy, and I commend your ability to do that, I can't bring my head to that point. My heart longs for your snugz and it hurts. My head is taking a back seat. I've become a broken record of sharing my regret and heartache. He meant to offer me some peace with the promise that the work will help me in all areas of my life. He doesn't know you. He barely knows me. All he knows is that I'm in pain for multiple reasons: the hurt that I've caused you and the wreckage that I'm left with. Since we don't talk or see each other there is little that I can do to aid in your healing (or try to repair the damage). I can take some action to rebuild the wreckage so that's what I'm doing.

Pon, I'm not going anywhere. I'm not looking for the company of another woman. The books I've read have made me aware that hurt feelings will flare up and there will be storms. I didn't intend to block out the sunshine with what I wrote. Try to read the entry again and imagine me saying it aloud. I wouldn't dare try to hurt you again, Pon. It's not in my nature and it's not in my heart.

I know love because of you. I'm doing what I can to take responsibility for my actions. It's a limited amount of direct amends towards you (because we don't talk or see each other), so I'm working on myself. The entry wasn't another apology, but in no way did I label you anything like what you wrote in your texts. You are the love of my life.