Hope

September 28
Hope

"Gradually as we become more God-centered than self centered, our despair turns to hope." Basic Text, p.92

As using addicts, despair was our relentless companion. It colored our every waking moment. Despair was born of our experience in active addiction: No matter what measures we tried to make our lives better, we slid ever deeper into misery. Attempts we made to control our lives frequently met with failure. In a sense, our First Step admission of powerlessness was an acknowledgment of despair.

Steps Two and Three lead us gradually out of that despair and into new hope, the companion of the recovering addict. Having accepted that so many of our efforts to change have failed, we come to believe that there is a Power greater than ourselves. We believe this Power can - and will - help us. We practice the Second and Third Steps as an affirmation of our hope for a better life, turning to this Power for guidance. As we come to rely more and more on a Higher Power for the management of our day - to - day life, the despair arising from our long experiment with self-sufficiency disappears.

Just for today: I will reaffirm my Third Step decision. I know that, with a Higher Power in my life, there is hope.

The definition of hope -

noun

1. the feeling that what is wanted can be had or that events will turn out for the best: to give up hope.

2. a particular instance of this feeling: the hope of winning.

3. grounds for this feeling in a particular instance: There is little or no hope of his recovery.

4. a person or thing in which expectations are centered: The medicine was her last hope.

5.something that is hoped for: Her forgiveness is my constant hope.

verb (used with object)

6. to look forward to with desire and reasonable confidence.

7. to believe, desire, or trust: I hope that my work will be satisfactory.

A feeling that what is wanted can be had... to believe, desire, or trust... I haven't worked my second or third step this time around yet. There are moments or events that lead me to believe that there is hope (as defined above) then there are other times when I don't understand why a person should "hope" for anything because so much of what I desire is beyond my control.
I've thought and spoke about what I did to Panthea and our relationship with other people as well as my therapist. When talking to people in recovery, they understand my thoughts and my feelings... they understand my actions. The people in recovery do not condone any form of acting out, but they relate and they understand how obsessive thoughts lead to destructive actions. They understand, but don't condone the self centered behavior. The behavior is never justified or validated. The behavior is understood, the loss of self will leading to acting out is real to these people. We were drug addicted. We compulsively used drugs to relieve feelings. I was sniffing an eighth of cocaine per night (comparable in volume to a quarter of an ounce of baking soda or granular splenda) and drinking 12 - 18 beers or 750ml of Jack Daniels. What would possess a person to put this much shit into their body? Who would look at a pile of white powder and think that it's not damaging to consume it? Who would be eager to steal from family and friends to get that white powder? That person would be me. Yes, somewhere in my mind there was a passing thought about the negatives, but MY reality was that the powder and the alcohol made me feel better. They made everything else tolerable.
I've seen shows about horders and people with emotional problems who couldn't get out of bed. Their actions destroy the lives of those around them the same as a drug or a sex addict. How many of us have seen or read about food addicts who binge and purge or just keep eating until they need to be removed from the house by knocking down walls and the use of a crane? Depression, anxiety, and a host of phobias are all met with a general understanding by the population at large. Addiction is not.

My post about addiction is lacking so I'll amend it here-

Addiction dictionary definition: noun

the state of being enslaved to a habit or practice or to something that is psychologically or physically habit-forming, as narcotics, to such an extent that its cessation causes severe trauma.

 

Addiction - Wikipedia:

Historically, addiction has been defined as physical and psychological dependence on psychoactive substances (for example alcohol, tobacco, heroin and other drugs) which cross the blood-brain barrier once ingested, temporarily altering the chemical milieu of the brain.
Addiction can also be viewed as a continued involvement with a substance or activity despite the negative consequences associated with it. Pleasure and enjoyment would have originally been sought; however, over a period of time involvement with the substance or activity is needed to feel normal. Some psychology professionals and many laypeople now mean 'addiction' to include abnormal psychological dependency (caused by?!) on such things as gambling, food, sex, pornography, computers, internet, work, exercise, idolizing, watching TV or certain types of non-pornographic videos, spiritual obsession, self-injury and shopping. 

  

A person can relapse into a state of depression or anxiety (caused by?!) so deep that they can't function on a daily basis forcing family and friends to walk on eggshells for fear of making matters worse. Husbands and wives feel helpless and watch in horror and despair as the individual participates less and less in life. The spouse is confused and hurt. He / She wonders what they have done wrong. He / She tries to figure how to help while trying not to form a resentment about having to take care of everything for both people. When the bout ends, the hurt spouse is left to wonder when / if this will happen again. Do they move forward with the relationship? No apology is offered for the shut down period because it was beyond the offenders control.  How then can the hurt spouse believe that the measures put in place to prevent another incident, whether they be pharmacological measures or counseling, are enough? What about if a bout flares up while the couple has an infant child? What about if the bout lasts 6 months or a year? How does anyone know anything for sure? You can't.

 

Addiction, emotional problems, phobias, etc can all be arrested and overcome in some way. Constant monitoring of the preventative measure are required. A line of communication with others about one's thoughts and feelings to those who care and can help will encourage the individual with the problem. A thoughtful understanding of the problem and a desire to relate to the individual with the problem are all ways to bring about healing on both sides. Reading about the problem and trying to relate to the problem through our personal experience makes the process of understanding easier. The desire to understand the issue at all is the proof that hope is real. 

 

I have hope in my life because of the people in NA. I know that I'm not a bad or immoral person. With their help I have made it through the last 6 weeks with out the use of drugs or alcohol or sex or shopping. I fell short a bit with the food thing, but that's under control now too. I have been there for my family. I have been there for my friends. I have even been there for Panthea when she needed emotional support. I have not acted out and I will not out because it's fucking pointless. I know what needs to be done. I guess in some way I always knew where the line was and I just chose to ignore it rather than feel the pain.

 

This post isn't meant to hurt anyone, including Panthea. It's an incomplete rambling, but the idea is there. I fucked up big time. Most people can relate if they try. Good night.