Clarity

I had a good weekend and I'll update about it soon. Right now I'd like to talk about the disease of addiction. I might look back on this a few months or years from now and revise these thoughts, but for now I'll quote the literature and sum up my current thoughts at the end:

"As members of Narcotics Anonymous, our experience is that addiction is a progressive disease. The progression may be rapid or slow, but it is always downhill. As long as we are using drugs, our lives will steadily get worse. It would be impossible to precisely describe addiction in a way that is agreeable to everyone. However, the disease seems to affect us in the following general ways. Mentally, we become obsessed with thoughts of using. Physically, we develop a compulsion to continue using, regardless of the consequences. Spiritually, we become totally self-centered in the course of our addiction. Looking at addiction as a disease makes sense to a lot of addicts because, in our experience, addiction is progressive, incurable, and can be fatal unless arrested." - It works How and Why , page 3

The above statement contains the word drug(s) only one time. While the addiction is incurable, the progression can be arrested at some point and recovery is then possible.

"The Twelve Steps of Narcotics Anonymous, as adapted from A.A., are the basis of our recovery program. We have only broadened their perspective. We follow the same path with a single exception; our identification as addicts is all-inclusive in respect to any mood-changing, mind-altering substance. "Alcoholism" is too limited a term for us; our problem is not a specific substance, it is a disease called "addiction." - Basic Text, page XXV

The above statement does not contain the word drug(s) at all. It also states that the problem isn't the substance, it's the disease of addiction.

"In Narcotics Anonymous, we deal with every aspect of our addiction, not just its most obvious symptom: our uncontrollable drug use. The aspects of our disease are numerous. By practicing this program, we each discover the ways in which our addiction affects us personally. Regardless of the individual effects of addiction on our lives, all of us share some common characteristics. Through working the First Step we will address the obsession, the compulsion, the denial, and what many have termed a “spiritual void.” - It Works How and Why, page 4

The above statement contains the word drug(s) one time. The writing goes on to speak about drugs quite a bit, yet it concludes with:

"As we continue in our recovery, we will see how these aspects of our addiction can manifest themselves in many areas of our lives." - It Works How and Why, page 4

The reason for this is:

"Denial is the part of our disease that makes it difficult, if not impossible, for us to acknowledge reality. In our addiction, denial protected us from seeing the reality of what our lives had become. We often told ourselves that, given the right set of circumstances, we might still be able to bring our lives under control. Always skillful at defending our actions, we refused to accept responsibility for the damage done by our addiction. We believed that if we tried long and hard enough, substituted one drug for another, switched friends, or changed our living arrangements or occupations, our lives would improve. These rationalizations repeatedly failed us, yet we continued to cling to them. We denied that we had a problem with drugs, regardless of all evidence to the contrary. We lied to ourselves, believing that we could use again successfully. We justified our actions, despite the wreckage around us resulting from our addiction." - It Works How and Why, page 5

The above statement contains the word drug(s) one time. The behaviors lead to actions that cause the addict and those around him / her harm, yet we deny / rationalize away the idea that there is any problem with the behavior.

"Our reasons for formally working Step One will vary from member to member. It may be that we're new to recovery, and we've just fought-and lost-an exhausting battle with drugs. It may be that we've been around awhile, abstinent from drugs, but we've discovered that our disease has become active in some other area of our lives, forcing us to face our powerlessness and the unmanageability of our lives once again. Not every act of growth is motivated by pain; it may just be time to cycle through the steps again1 thus beginning the next stage of our never-ending journey of recovery.
Some of us find a measure of comfort in realizing that a disease, not a moral failing, has caused us to reach this bottom. Others don't really care what the cause has been-we just want out!
Whatever the case, it's time to do some step work: to engage in some concrete activity that will help us find more freedom from our addiction, whatever shape it is currently taking.
... Before we begin working the First Step, we must become abstinent-whatever it takes. If we're new in Narcotics Anonymous and our First Step is primarily about looking at the effects of drug addiction in our lives, we need to get clean. If we've been clean awhile and our First Step is about our powerlessness over some other behavior that's made our lives unmanageable, we need to find a way to stop the behavior so that our surrender isn't clouded by continued acting out." - NA Step Working Guide

I've found a reason to stop acting out. I lost the love of my life. Now comes the time to try to get better. Step work (and the shrink) for me and picking up all the fragments and shards of her heart that I'll slowly and painstakingly use all the love and energy inside me in an attempt to put them back together.
I love you, Pon. I hope this made sense.