I'm far from perfect ::blush::

Panthea and I spent some time together this past Sunday afternoon. It's the first time that I've seen her beautiful face in a long while and my heart went thump thump. I knew that her visit wasn't just social so I kept my expectations in check. She teared up before she walked through the door. I offered her a hug and was politely declined in her most adorable little voice (melt). We talked for a while and I apologized for the deception and pain that I've caused the best that I could with out making our time together too uncomfortable. I tried to explain that I understand that I've turned her life upside down which probably causes a whole additional set of feeling on top of the mistrust and heartache caused by my deception and unfaithfulness. We both had a few bouts of tears and during one of them I asked to hug her again and she accepted.
This is where the blushing part comes into play. In a nut shell, with Panthea, strong positive emotions have always caused a physical response in me. Yesterday was no exception. I'm hugging her and then she wraps both arms around me and hugs me back. SWOOON!!! Seconds later, I can feel a stir in my shorts. I tried to back away, but she was hugging me real tight and... well... I poked her with my penis. It wasn't intentional, but the hug ended abruptly. I'm sorry, Pon. I didn't mean to violate your little belly button. I don't know what the hell is wrong with me. ::side bar:: Today in a gmail chat (another mini step forward in communication!!) I asked her if she noticed and she acknowledged that she had which was the reason for the abrupt hug stoppage. I was so flustered when she admitted to finding out that I couldn't spell or type properly afterwards so I had to go back to work ::side bar end:: We had both started to cry harder during the hug and I just don't know how the hell does that happen? I'll have to talk to the therapist about that one tomorrow. She's gorgeous so objectively I can understand my fella's reaction, but I'm disappointed that my heart didn't step in and cool things out. Sigh. It took about 30 minutes for everything to completely settle down. What can I say, I'm an addict. I'm a "sick" person suffering from a disease from which there is no known cure... a desire to be close to my fiance. It's no excuse for the timing though. I don't know if it's just me or what, but I doubt she felt any stir of anything other than sadness during that hug. I really need to talk about this. A shared it with someone at the meeting tonight and he just laughed, shook his head, and said "Keep coming back." I plan on it.
We spoke for about an hour after the poke violation. The high points of our 2 hour talk were that I got to hear her real laugh. It wasn't a long one, but it was a loud belly laugh and it made me feel good. After that she looked at me and smiled. A genuine smile that I haven't seen in weeks and I started crying again. She probably thought I was a lunatic. Well now you know why, Baby. We held hands for a little bit and before she left we hugged again. God, I miss her hugs. I let Panthea leave first so there wasn't any weird goodbye at the car. I went into the bedroom and had another good cry with G-raf (a miniature stuffed giraffe that has her eyes).
It took me about 30 minutes or so to get my act together so I could go get the highlighters. I prayed and thanked God for her visit and not giving up on me. I know her visit and the hugs don't change a thing. I prayed on that as well. I broke her heart into a million pieces. Sunday afternoon was the first time that she was alone in weeks. It was the anniversary of the end of our engagement. It was the day that she was officially moved into her new place and she faced the fact that she was to be sleeping alone in a new bed, in a new room, surrounded by new stuff. Sigh. I'm sure it was overwhelming. I hope my fumbling apology and actions helped ease a little bit of the pain in her heart that I've been responsible for these past 4+ weeks. That was God's plan all along. Earlier I saw this as God giving me something, now I understand that he was giving it to her. She deserves the love and protection from a higher power. I still have a long way to go.