I don't have time for anything long or profound so I'll leave you with this:
I hope you remembered to smile today :)
Friday, September 30, 2011
Thursday, September 29, 2011
Present Tense
I don't exactly know why this song has come up so often the last few days. I played it for someone on Monday at work as a joke and have heard it 2 or 3 times since on satellite radio. The last time I heard it was this morning and considering what's been going on lately I'm no longer going to consider it a "coincidence." The final straw, so to speak, was today's reflection:
September 29
I'm not going to a meeting tonight. I'm going to watch one of the dozen or so bootlegs that I have at home with some good food, then some step work, and a good night's sleep. Tomorrow's FRIDAY. Woop!
Miss you, Pon.
September 29
Just For Today
"When we stop living in the here and now, our problems become magnified unreasonably." Basic Text, p.96
"Just for today" - it's a comforting thought. If we try to live in the past, we may find ourselves torn by painful, disquieting memories. The lessons of our using are not the teachers we seek for recovery. Living in tomorrow means moving in with fear.
We cannot see the shape of the secret future, and uncertainty brings worry. Our lives look overwhelming when we lose the focus of today.
Living in the moment offers freedom. In this moment, we know that we are safe. We are not using, and we have everything we need. What's more, life is happening in the here and now. The past is gone and the future has yet to arrive; our worrying won't change any of it. Today, we can enjoy our recovery, this very minute.
Just for today: I will stay in the here and now. Today - this moment - I am free.
I'm not going to a meeting tonight. I'm going to watch one of the dozen or so bootlegs that I have at home with some good food, then some step work, and a good night's sleep. Tomorrow's FRIDAY. Woop!
Miss you, Pon.
Wednesday, September 28, 2011
Hope
September 28
Hope
"Gradually as we become more God-centered than self centered, our despair turns to hope." Basic Text, p.92
As using addicts, despair was our relentless companion. It colored our every waking moment. Despair was born of our experience in active addiction: No matter what measures we tried to make our lives better, we slid ever deeper into misery. Attempts we made to control our lives frequently met with failure. In a sense, our First Step admission of powerlessness was an acknowledgment of despair.
Steps Two and Three lead us gradually out of that despair and into new hope, the companion of the recovering addict. Having accepted that so many of our efforts to change have failed, we come to believe that there is a Power greater than ourselves. We believe this Power can - and will - help us. We practice the Second and Third Steps as an affirmation of our hope for a better life, turning to this Power for guidance. As we come to rely more and more on a Higher Power for the management of our day - to - day life, the despair arising from our long experiment with self-sufficiency disappears.
Just for today: I will reaffirm my Third Step decision. I know that, with a Higher Power in my life, there is hope.
The definition of hope -
noun
1. the feeling that what is wanted can be had or that events will turn out for the best: to give up hope.
2. a particular instance of this feeling: the hope of winning.
3. grounds for this feeling in a particular instance: There is little or no hope of his recovery.
4. a person or thing in which expectations are centered: The medicine was her last hope.
5.something that is hoped for: Her forgiveness is my constant hope.
verb (used with object)
6. to look forward to with desire and reasonable confidence.
7. to believe, desire, or trust: I hope that my work will be satisfactory.
A feeling that what is wanted can be had... to believe, desire, or trust... I haven't worked my second or third step this time around yet. There are moments or events that lead me to believe that there is hope (as defined above) then there are other times when I don't understand why a person should "hope" for anything because so much of what I desire is beyond my control.
I've thought and spoke about what I did to Panthea and our relationship with other people as well as my therapist. When talking to people in recovery, they understand my thoughts and my feelings... they understand my actions. The people in recovery do not condone any form of acting out, but they relate and they understand how obsessive thoughts lead to destructive actions. They understand, but don't condone the self centered behavior. The behavior is never justified or validated. The behavior is understood, the loss of self will leading to acting out is real to these people. We were drug addicted. We compulsively used drugs to relieve feelings. I was sniffing an eighth of cocaine per night (comparable in volume to a quarter of an ounce of baking soda or granular splenda) and drinking 12 - 18 beers or 750ml of Jack Daniels. What would possess a person to put this much shit into their body? Who would look at a pile of white powder and think that it's not damaging to consume it? Who would be eager to steal from family and friends to get that white powder? That person would be me. Yes, somewhere in my mind there was a passing thought about the negatives, but MY reality was that the powder and the alcohol made me feel better. They made everything else tolerable.
I've seen shows about horders and people with emotional problems who couldn't get out of bed. Their actions destroy the lives of those around them the same as a drug or a sex addict. How many of us have seen or read about food addicts who binge and purge or just keep eating until they need to be removed from the house by knocking down walls and the use of a crane? Depression, anxiety, and a host of phobias are all met with a general understanding by the population at large. Addiction is not.
My post about addiction is lacking so I'll amend it here-
I've thought and spoke about what I did to Panthea and our relationship with other people as well as my therapist. When talking to people in recovery, they understand my thoughts and my feelings... they understand my actions. The people in recovery do not condone any form of acting out, but they relate and they understand how obsessive thoughts lead to destructive actions. They understand, but don't condone the self centered behavior. The behavior is never justified or validated. The behavior is understood, the loss of self will leading to acting out is real to these people. We were drug addicted. We compulsively used drugs to relieve feelings. I was sniffing an eighth of cocaine per night (comparable in volume to a quarter of an ounce of baking soda or granular splenda) and drinking 12 - 18 beers or 750ml of Jack Daniels. What would possess a person to put this much shit into their body? Who would look at a pile of white powder and think that it's not damaging to consume it? Who would be eager to steal from family and friends to get that white powder? That person would be me. Yes, somewhere in my mind there was a passing thought about the negatives, but MY reality was that the powder and the alcohol made me feel better. They made everything else tolerable.
I've seen shows about horders and people with emotional problems who couldn't get out of bed. Their actions destroy the lives of those around them the same as a drug or a sex addict. How many of us have seen or read about food addicts who binge and purge or just keep eating until they need to be removed from the house by knocking down walls and the use of a crane? Depression, anxiety, and a host of phobias are all met with a general understanding by the population at large. Addiction is not.
My post about addiction is lacking so I'll amend it here-
Addiction dictionary definition: noun
the state of being enslaved to a habit or practice or to something that is psychologically or physically habit-forming, as narcotics, to such an extent that its cessation causes severe trauma.
Addiction - Wikipedia:
Historically, addiction has been defined as physical and psychological dependence on psychoactive substances (for example alcohol, tobacco, heroin and other drugs) which cross the blood-brain barrier once ingested, temporarily altering the chemical milieu of the brain.
Addiction can also be viewed as a continued involvement with a substance or activity despite the negative consequences associated with it. Pleasure and enjoyment would have originally been sought; however, over a period of time involvement with the substance or activity is needed to feel normal. Some psychology professionals and many laypeople now mean 'addiction' to include abnormal psychological dependency (caused by?!) on such things as gambling, food, sex, pornography, computers, internet, work, exercise, idolizing, watching TV or certain types of non-pornographic videos, spiritual obsession, self-injury and shopping.
Addiction can also be viewed as a continued involvement with a substance or activity despite the negative consequences associated with it. Pleasure and enjoyment would have originally been sought; however, over a period of time involvement with the substance or activity is needed to feel normal. Some psychology professionals and many laypeople now mean 'addiction' to include abnormal psychological dependency (caused by?!) on such things as gambling, food, sex, pornography, computers, internet, work, exercise, idolizing, watching TV or certain types of non-pornographic videos, spiritual obsession, self-injury and shopping.
A person can relapse into a state of depression or anxiety (caused by?!) so deep that they can't function on a daily basis forcing family and friends to walk on eggshells for fear of making matters worse. Husbands and wives feel helpless and watch in horror and despair as the individual participates less and less in life. The spouse is confused and hurt. He / She wonders what they have done wrong. He / She tries to figure how to help while trying not to form a resentment about having to take care of everything for both people. When the bout ends, the hurt spouse is left to wonder when / if this will happen again. Do they move forward with the relationship? No apology is offered for the shut down period because it was beyond the offenders control. How then can the hurt spouse believe that the measures put in place to prevent another incident, whether they be pharmacological measures or counseling, are enough? What about if a bout flares up while the couple has an infant child? What about if the bout lasts 6 months or a year? How does anyone know anything for sure? You can't.
Addiction, emotional problems, phobias, etc can all be arrested and overcome in some way. Constant monitoring of the preventative measure are required. A line of communication with others about one's thoughts and feelings to those who care and can help will encourage the individual with the problem. A thoughtful understanding of the problem and a desire to relate to the individual with the problem are all ways to bring about healing on both sides. Reading about the problem and trying to relate to the problem through our personal experience makes the process of understanding easier. The desire to understand the issue at all is the proof that hope is real.
I have hope in my life because of the people in NA. I know that I'm not a bad or immoral person. With their help I have made it through the last 6 weeks with out the use of drugs or alcohol or sex or shopping. I fell short a bit with the food thing, but that's under control now too. I have been there for my family. I have been there for my friends. I have even been there for Panthea when she needed emotional support. I have not acted out and I will not out because it's fucking pointless. I know what needs to be done. I guess in some way I always knew where the line was and I just chose to ignore it rather than feel the pain.
This post isn't meant to hurt anyone, including Panthea. It's an incomplete rambling, but the idea is there. I fucked up big time. Most people can relate if they try. Good night.
Tuesday, September 27, 2011
Little Darlin
I can't sing... well, everyone can sing I suppose... I don't sing very well. If I could, one of the songs that I would sing to Panthea is this one. Le sigh. I miss you, Pon.
Monday, September 26, 2011
Clarity
I had a good weekend and I'll update about it soon. Right now I'd like to talk about the disease of addiction. I might look back on this a few months or years from now and revise these thoughts, but for now I'll quote the literature and sum up my current thoughts at the end:
"As members of Narcotics Anonymous, our experience is that addiction is a progressive disease. The progression may be rapid or slow, but it is always downhill. As long as we are using drugs, our lives will steadily get worse. It would be impossible to precisely describe addiction in a way that is agreeable to everyone. However, the disease seems to affect us in the following general ways. Mentally, we become obsessed with thoughts of using. Physically, we develop a compulsion to continue using, regardless of the consequences. Spiritually, we become totally self-centered in the course of our addiction. Looking at addiction as a disease makes sense to a lot of addicts because, in our experience, addiction is progressive, incurable, and can be fatal unless arrested." - It works How and Why , page 3
The above statement contains the word drug(s) only one time. While the addiction is incurable, the progression can be arrested at some point and recovery is then possible.
"The Twelve Steps of Narcotics Anonymous, as adapted from A.A., are the basis of our recovery program. We have only broadened their perspective. We follow the same path with a single exception; our identification as addicts is all-inclusive in respect to any mood-changing, mind-altering substance. "Alcoholism" is too limited a term for us; our problem is not a specific substance, it is a disease called "addiction." - Basic Text, page XXV
The above statement does not contain the word drug(s) at all. It also states that the problem isn't the substance, it's the disease of addiction.
"In Narcotics Anonymous, we deal with every aspect of our addiction, not just its most obvious symptom: our uncontrollable drug use. The aspects of our disease are numerous. By practicing this program, we each discover the ways in which our addiction affects us personally. Regardless of the individual effects of addiction on our lives, all of us share some common characteristics. Through working the First Step we will address the obsession, the compulsion, the denial, and what many have termed a “spiritual void.” - It Works How and Why, page 4
The above statement contains the word drug(s) one time. The writing goes on to speak about drugs quite a bit, yet it concludes with:
"As we continue in our recovery, we will see how these aspects of our addiction can manifest themselves in many areas of our lives." - It Works How and Why, page 4
The reason for this is:
"Denial is the part of our disease that makes it difficult, if not impossible, for us to acknowledge reality. In our addiction, denial protected us from seeing the reality of what our lives had become. We often told ourselves that, given the right set of circumstances, we might still be able to bring our lives under control. Always skillful at defending our actions, we refused to accept responsibility for the damage done by our addiction. We believed that if we tried long and hard enough, substituted one drug for another, switched friends, or changed our living arrangements or occupations, our lives would improve. These rationalizations repeatedly failed us, yet we continued to cling to them. We denied that we had a problem with drugs, regardless of all evidence to the contrary. We lied to ourselves, believing that we could use again successfully. We justified our actions, despite the wreckage around us resulting from our addiction." - It Works How and Why, page 5
The above statement contains the word drug(s) one time. The behaviors lead to actions that cause the addict and those around him / her harm, yet we deny / rationalize away the idea that there is any problem with the behavior.
"Our reasons for formally working Step One will vary from member to member. It may be that we're new to recovery, and we've just fought-and lost-an exhausting battle with drugs. It may be that we've been around awhile, abstinent from drugs, but we've discovered that our disease has become active in some other area of our lives, forcing us to face our powerlessness and the unmanageability of our lives once again. Not every act of growth is motivated by pain; it may just be time to cycle through the steps again1 thus beginning the next stage of our never-ending journey of recovery.
Some of us find a measure of comfort in realizing that a disease, not a moral failing, has caused us to reach this bottom. Others don't really care what the cause has been-we just want out!
Whatever the case, it's time to do some step work: to engage in some concrete activity that will help us find more freedom from our addiction, whatever shape it is currently taking.
... Before we begin working the First Step, we must become abstinent-whatever it takes. If we're new in Narcotics Anonymous and our First Step is primarily about looking at the effects of drug addiction in our lives, we need to get clean. If we've been clean awhile and our First Step is about our powerlessness over some other behavior that's made our lives unmanageable, we need to find a way to stop the behavior so that our surrender isn't clouded by continued acting out." - NA Step Working Guide
I've found a reason to stop acting out. I lost the love of my life. Now comes the time to try to get better. Step work (and the shrink) for me and picking up all the fragments and shards of her heart that I'll slowly and painstakingly use all the love and energy inside me in an attempt to put them back together.
I love you, Pon. I hope this made sense.
"As members of Narcotics Anonymous, our experience is that addiction is a progressive disease. The progression may be rapid or slow, but it is always downhill. As long as we are using drugs, our lives will steadily get worse. It would be impossible to precisely describe addiction in a way that is agreeable to everyone. However, the disease seems to affect us in the following general ways. Mentally, we become obsessed with thoughts of using. Physically, we develop a compulsion to continue using, regardless of the consequences. Spiritually, we become totally self-centered in the course of our addiction. Looking at addiction as a disease makes sense to a lot of addicts because, in our experience, addiction is progressive, incurable, and can be fatal unless arrested." - It works How and Why , page 3
The above statement contains the word drug(s) only one time. While the addiction is incurable, the progression can be arrested at some point and recovery is then possible.
"The Twelve Steps of Narcotics Anonymous, as adapted from A.A., are the basis of our recovery program. We have only broadened their perspective. We follow the same path with a single exception; our identification as addicts is all-inclusive in respect to any mood-changing, mind-altering substance. "Alcoholism" is too limited a term for us; our problem is not a specific substance, it is a disease called "addiction." - Basic Text, page XXV
The above statement does not contain the word drug(s) at all. It also states that the problem isn't the substance, it's the disease of addiction.
"In Narcotics Anonymous, we deal with every aspect of our addiction, not just its most obvious symptom: our uncontrollable drug use. The aspects of our disease are numerous. By practicing this program, we each discover the ways in which our addiction affects us personally. Regardless of the individual effects of addiction on our lives, all of us share some common characteristics. Through working the First Step we will address the obsession, the compulsion, the denial, and what many have termed a “spiritual void.” - It Works How and Why, page 4
The above statement contains the word drug(s) one time. The writing goes on to speak about drugs quite a bit, yet it concludes with:
"As we continue in our recovery, we will see how these aspects of our addiction can manifest themselves in many areas of our lives." - It Works How and Why, page 4
The reason for this is:
"Denial is the part of our disease that makes it difficult, if not impossible, for us to acknowledge reality. In our addiction, denial protected us from seeing the reality of what our lives had become. We often told ourselves that, given the right set of circumstances, we might still be able to bring our lives under control. Always skillful at defending our actions, we refused to accept responsibility for the damage done by our addiction. We believed that if we tried long and hard enough, substituted one drug for another, switched friends, or changed our living arrangements or occupations, our lives would improve. These rationalizations repeatedly failed us, yet we continued to cling to them. We denied that we had a problem with drugs, regardless of all evidence to the contrary. We lied to ourselves, believing that we could use again successfully. We justified our actions, despite the wreckage around us resulting from our addiction." - It Works How and Why, page 5
The above statement contains the word drug(s) one time. The behaviors lead to actions that cause the addict and those around him / her harm, yet we deny / rationalize away the idea that there is any problem with the behavior.
"Our reasons for formally working Step One will vary from member to member. It may be that we're new to recovery, and we've just fought-and lost-an exhausting battle with drugs. It may be that we've been around awhile, abstinent from drugs, but we've discovered that our disease has become active in some other area of our lives, forcing us to face our powerlessness and the unmanageability of our lives once again. Not every act of growth is motivated by pain; it may just be time to cycle through the steps again1 thus beginning the next stage of our never-ending journey of recovery.
Some of us find a measure of comfort in realizing that a disease, not a moral failing, has caused us to reach this bottom. Others don't really care what the cause has been-we just want out!
Whatever the case, it's time to do some step work: to engage in some concrete activity that will help us find more freedom from our addiction, whatever shape it is currently taking.
... Before we begin working the First Step, we must become abstinent-whatever it takes. If we're new in Narcotics Anonymous and our First Step is primarily about looking at the effects of drug addiction in our lives, we need to get clean. If we've been clean awhile and our First Step is about our powerlessness over some other behavior that's made our lives unmanageable, we need to find a way to stop the behavior so that our surrender isn't clouded by continued acting out." - NA Step Working Guide
I've found a reason to stop acting out. I lost the love of my life. Now comes the time to try to get better. Step work (and the shrink) for me and picking up all the fragments and shards of her heart that I'll slowly and painstakingly use all the love and energy inside me in an attempt to put them back together.
I love you, Pon. I hope this made sense.
Friday, September 23, 2011
My heart
Mon Coeur, you're everything that I need. I'm sorry if you doubt that. Please try to believe that you're everything I've ever hoped for and the only one that I have wanted. You're my only love and my best friend. You're my favorite everything... in every way, baby.
Thursday, September 22, 2011
It works. Happy Anniversary To Me
Just For Today - September 22
Keeping The Gift
"Life takes on a new meaning when we open ourselves to this gift." - Basic Text, p.102
Neglecting our recovery is like neglecting any other gift we've been given. Suppose someone gave you a new car. Would you let it sit in the driveway until the tires rotted? Would you just drive it, ignoring routine maintenance, until it expired on the road? Of course not! You would go to great lengths to maintain the condition of such a valuable gift.
Recovery is also a gift, and we have to care for it if we want to keep it. While our recovery doesn't come with an extended warranty, there is a routine maintenance schedule. This maintenance includes regular meeting attendance and various forms of service. We'll have to do some daily cleaning - our Tenth Step - and, once in a while, a major Fourth Step overhaul will be required. But if we maintain the gift of recovery, thanking the Giver each day, it will continue.
The gift of recovery is one that grows with the giving. Unless we give it away, we can't keep it. But in sharing our recovery with others, we come to value it all the more.
Just for today: My recovery is a gift, and I want to keep it. I'll do the required maintenance, and I'll share my recovery with others.
I've neglected more than a few things these past 4 years and 9 months. My recovery, my emotional / mental health, my spiritual connection with God, my physical health, and my relationship with Panthea. It's not going to happen over night, but change is in the wind. I've already done some work and my perspective has been altered in some ways. I will keep the focus on me. It's about creating a life plan, having the faith and the patience to execute on the plan without expectations. I want to believe.
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
Wake me up when September Ends
I know it's the 23rd this year, but September 21st is usually the first day of winter. Summer is officially over. It's colder and gray outside. It's how I feel inside, at times, as well. I need a meeting tonight like whoa. This month has been especially rough. It's the most difficult month since I've been clean... 4 years and 9 months when I wake up tomorrow. Man, I hope October is a better month for everyone in my life.
Health
A friend of mine is having bypass surgery tomorrow. It's a bit unexpected and thankfully it's not an outright emergency. He's a round fellow. He has diabetes from eating high carb and drinking alcohol, but overall you wouldn't think he had these type of health issues if you knew him. Bill, you'll be in my prayers tonight. ::edit - Bill had a triple bypass at noon today. One of his blockages was at 80% and the doctors didn't want to wait. It's 4:15 now and he's still in surgery.::
I've been thinking about health issues lately. One of the things that's been on my mind is that I've contracted an STD due to my affair and could have potentially passed it on to Panthea. That's really a tough weight to have on my mind. The disease is called HPV (http://www.cdc.gov/std/hpv/stdfact-hpv-and-men.htm). While it's unlikely that the type that I have will develop into any serious health problem for me, the idea that it could have been something potentially deadly is scary. I don't know what the woman who I had the affair with knew about her infection. There's so much misinformation about HPV because there are 40 different types that can be transmitted sexually. She told me a story and was apologetic, but it's little consolation for the potential outcome.
I had an affair for years. I had unprotected sex during that affair which could have led to a handful of different diseases that could have gotten Panthea so sick that they kill. Even with HPV, I could have given her a strain that's a life long illness that eventually led to cervical cancer and an inability to have children. WOW. I mean come on... what the fuck is the matter with me? I've been doing the writing for Step 1 and it's a lot to take in. This kind of situation is the reality that my self absorbed and centered behavior could create. Panthea's the love of my life. She's my best friend and I left her health to chance so I could go run away from my problems... AGAIN. I've got almost 5 years clean and I did this... I shudder to think about the way I acted and treated people when I was using. Step 1 reminds me that the self centered nature of my disease held everyone hostage when I was active. Mentally, Emotionally, Spiritually, and Physically I've done things that make me cringe as I recall them and write them down. No wonder they say don't get into the working guide with out a sponsor. It really kicks up some shit.
I've been smoking like 3 packs a day since Panthea left because of my betrayal. I've been eating sweets almost every night which has caused me to gain 10 or 12 LBS. I haven't slept well in weeks and I feel like I'm burning the candle at both ends. I need to keep my self in check. I need to keep my physical health in the front of my mind. Mind and body work together and this is the only body that I'll ever have.
I've been thinking about health issues lately. One of the things that's been on my mind is that I've contracted an STD due to my affair and could have potentially passed it on to Panthea. That's really a tough weight to have on my mind. The disease is called HPV (http://www.cdc.gov/std/hpv/stdfact-hpv-and-men.htm). While it's unlikely that the type that I have will develop into any serious health problem for me, the idea that it could have been something potentially deadly is scary. I don't know what the woman who I had the affair with knew about her infection. There's so much misinformation about HPV because there are 40 different types that can be transmitted sexually. She told me a story and was apologetic, but it's little consolation for the potential outcome.
I had an affair for years. I had unprotected sex during that affair which could have led to a handful of different diseases that could have gotten Panthea so sick that they kill. Even with HPV, I could have given her a strain that's a life long illness that eventually led to cervical cancer and an inability to have children. WOW. I mean come on... what the fuck is the matter with me? I've been doing the writing for Step 1 and it's a lot to take in. This kind of situation is the reality that my self absorbed and centered behavior could create. Panthea's the love of my life. She's my best friend and I left her health to chance so I could go run away from my problems... AGAIN. I've got almost 5 years clean and I did this... I shudder to think about the way I acted and treated people when I was using. Step 1 reminds me that the self centered nature of my disease held everyone hostage when I was active. Mentally, Emotionally, Spiritually, and Physically I've done things that make me cringe as I recall them and write them down. No wonder they say don't get into the working guide with out a sponsor. It really kicks up some shit.
I've been smoking like 3 packs a day since Panthea left because of my betrayal. I've been eating sweets almost every night which has caused me to gain 10 or 12 LBS. I haven't slept well in weeks and I feel like I'm burning the candle at both ends. I need to keep my self in check. I need to keep my physical health in the front of my mind. Mind and body work together and this is the only body that I'll ever have.
Step One
We admitted that we were powerless over our addicting and that our lives had become unmanageable. Sigh. Sometimes it's more obvious than other times. Tonight was one of those times. I've had enough for one day.
-For G-Raf . Thank you for being here.
Tuesday, September 20, 2011
People in my area can't drive
I went to the therapist's office this evening. Afterward, I chose to skip a meeting tonight. I want to eat dinner at a decent hour, watch tv, and do some reading. I decided to take 347 home from the therapist. I turn onto Terry Rd because Panthea mentioned that she lived near Maureen's kitchen (I'm not stalking, but it would be a God send to see her again. It's been a draining day) and go east on 25 from there. I hate driving on 25, especially between 7PM and 10PM on a weekday. It's a zoo. Everyone is all bunched up into groups with huge gaps between groups. It drives me nuts. Anyway, I saw 3 accidents in less than 9 miles of road. Cops everywhere. Ambulances with volunteer fireman standing around drinking coffee and smoking cigs because they had nothing to do. Theses weren't serious accidents. The people around here drive like 30 miles per hour. How much damage could they do to their cars let alone each other? Regardless, it took me 20 - 25 minutes to drive 9 miles.
The cause of all this is the Suffolk County DMV. The road test is a joke. I lost my license from not paying a ticket a few years back. Well, it was more than a few years... I let it go for like 5 years. I know, I'm an addict... Anyway, I let it go for so long that my license had expired a couple of years prior so I had to start from scratch. I took the permit test cold and got a 100% which is better than I did originally and I scheduled a road test. When the time came for the road test it consisted of making a left turn, driving straight for about 100 yards, making a 3 point turn which immediately turned into a parallel park, and then it was over. Total time from start to finish was 3-4 minutes. The person who drove me to the road test thought I'd failed it was over so quickly. I passed and there is no way that the guy "grading me" could have known that I was a good driver from the way I made the original left turn. My point is that he can't be the exception considering how bad I've observed Suffolk County Drivers to be.
That's it. Thanks for letting me share.
The cause of all this is the Suffolk County DMV. The road test is a joke. I lost my license from not paying a ticket a few years back. Well, it was more than a few years... I let it go for like 5 years. I know, I'm an addict... Anyway, I let it go for so long that my license had expired a couple of years prior so I had to start from scratch. I took the permit test cold and got a 100% which is better than I did originally and I scheduled a road test. When the time came for the road test it consisted of making a left turn, driving straight for about 100 yards, making a 3 point turn which immediately turned into a parallel park, and then it was over. Total time from start to finish was 3-4 minutes. The person who drove me to the road test thought I'd failed it was over so quickly. I passed and there is no way that the guy "grading me" could have known that I was a good driver from the way I made the original left turn. My point is that he can't be the exception considering how bad I've observed Suffolk County Drivers to be.
That's it. Thanks for letting me share.
It's about time
The radio in the Jeep has a replay function aka REWIND! What's the name of that song? Rewind. When does that sale end? Rewind. How did that lyric go? Rewind. In my last car I always wondered why this wasn't a feature... my cable box has been able to do this for years and now, finally, so can the radio.
 |
| Yes, I was listening to "pop" |
Monday, September 19, 2011
I'm far from perfect ::blush::
Panthea and I spent some time together this past Sunday afternoon. It's the first time that I've seen her beautiful face in a long while and my heart went thump thump. I knew that her visit wasn't just social so I kept my expectations in check. She teared up before she walked through the door. I offered her a hug and was politely declined in her most adorable little voice (melt). We talked for a while and I apologized for the deception and pain that I've caused the best that I could with out making our time together too uncomfortable. I tried to explain that I understand that I've turned her life upside down which probably causes a whole additional set of feeling on top of the mistrust and heartache caused by my deception and unfaithfulness. We both had a few bouts of tears and during one of them I asked to hug her again and she accepted.
This is where the blushing part comes into play. In a nut shell, with Panthea, strong positive emotions have always caused a physical response in me. Yesterday was no exception. I'm hugging her and then she wraps both arms around me and hugs me back. SWOOON!!! Seconds later, I can feel a stir in my shorts. I tried to back away, but she was hugging me real tight and... well... I poked her with my penis. It wasn't intentional, but the hug ended abruptly. I'm sorry, Pon. I didn't mean to violate your little belly button. I don't know what the hell is wrong with me. ::side bar:: Today in a gmail chat (another mini step forward in communication!!) I asked her if she noticed and she acknowledged that she had which was the reason for the abrupt hug stoppage. I was so flustered when she admitted to finding out that I couldn't spell or type properly afterwards so I had to go back to work ::side bar end:: We had both started to cry harder during the hug and I just don't know how the hell does that happen? I'll have to talk to the therapist about that one tomorrow. She's gorgeous so objectively I can understand my fella's reaction, but I'm disappointed that my heart didn't step in and cool things out. Sigh. It took about 30 minutes for everything to completely settle down. What can I say, I'm an addict. I'm a "sick" person suffering from a disease from which there is no known cure... a desire to be close to my fiance. It's no excuse for the timing though. I don't know if it's just me or what, but I doubt she felt any stir of anything other than sadness during that hug. I really need to talk about this. A shared it with someone at the meeting tonight and he just laughed, shook his head, and said "Keep coming back." I plan on it.
We spoke for about an hour after the poke violation. The high points of our 2 hour talk were that I got to hear her real laugh. It wasn't a long one, but it was a loud belly laugh and it made me feel good. After that she looked at me and smiled. A genuine smile that I haven't seen in weeks and I started crying again. She probably thought I was a lunatic. Well now you know why, Baby. We held hands for a little bit and before she left we hugged again. God, I miss her hugs. I let Panthea leave first so there wasn't any weird goodbye at the car. I went into the bedroom and had another good cry with G-raf (a miniature stuffed giraffe that has her eyes).
It took me about 30 minutes or so to get my act together so I could go get the highlighters. I prayed and thanked God for her visit and not giving up on me. I know her visit and the hugs don't change a thing. I prayed on that as well. I broke her heart into a million pieces. Sunday afternoon was the first time that she was alone in weeks. It was the anniversary of the end of our engagement. It was the day that she was officially moved into her new place and she faced the fact that she was to be sleeping alone in a new bed, in a new room, surrounded by new stuff. Sigh. I'm sure it was overwhelming. I hope my fumbling apology and actions helped ease a little bit of the pain in her heart that I've been responsible for these past 4+ weeks. That was God's plan all along. Earlier I saw this as God giving me something, now I understand that he was giving it to her. She deserves the love and protection from a higher power. I still have a long way to go.
This is where the blushing part comes into play. In a nut shell, with Panthea, strong positive emotions have always caused a physical response in me. Yesterday was no exception. I'm hugging her and then she wraps both arms around me and hugs me back. SWOOON!!! Seconds later, I can feel a stir in my shorts. I tried to back away, but she was hugging me real tight and... well... I poked her with my penis. It wasn't intentional, but the hug ended abruptly. I'm sorry, Pon. I didn't mean to violate your little belly button. I don't know what the hell is wrong with me. ::side bar:: Today in a gmail chat (another mini step forward in communication!!) I asked her if she noticed and she acknowledged that she had which was the reason for the abrupt hug stoppage. I was so flustered when she admitted to finding out that I couldn't spell or type properly afterwards so I had to go back to work ::side bar end:: We had both started to cry harder during the hug and I just don't know how the hell does that happen? I'll have to talk to the therapist about that one tomorrow. She's gorgeous so objectively I can understand my fella's reaction, but I'm disappointed that my heart didn't step in and cool things out. Sigh. It took about 30 minutes for everything to completely settle down. What can I say, I'm an addict. I'm a "sick" person suffering from a disease from which there is no known cure... a desire to be close to my fiance. It's no excuse for the timing though. I don't know if it's just me or what, but I doubt she felt any stir of anything other than sadness during that hug. I really need to talk about this. A shared it with someone at the meeting tonight and he just laughed, shook his head, and said "Keep coming back." I plan on it.
We spoke for about an hour after the poke violation. The high points of our 2 hour talk were that I got to hear her real laugh. It wasn't a long one, but it was a loud belly laugh and it made me feel good. After that she looked at me and smiled. A genuine smile that I haven't seen in weeks and I started crying again. She probably thought I was a lunatic. Well now you know why, Baby. We held hands for a little bit and before she left we hugged again. God, I miss her hugs. I let Panthea leave first so there wasn't any weird goodbye at the car. I went into the bedroom and had another good cry with G-raf (a miniature stuffed giraffe that has her eyes).
It took me about 30 minutes or so to get my act together so I could go get the highlighters. I prayed and thanked God for her visit and not giving up on me. I know her visit and the hugs don't change a thing. I prayed on that as well. I broke her heart into a million pieces. Sunday afternoon was the first time that she was alone in weeks. It was the anniversary of the end of our engagement. It was the day that she was officially moved into her new place and she faced the fact that she was to be sleeping alone in a new bed, in a new room, surrounded by new stuff. Sigh. I'm sure it was overwhelming. I hope my fumbling apology and actions helped ease a little bit of the pain in her heart that I've been responsible for these past 4+ weeks. That was God's plan all along. Earlier I saw this as God giving me something, now I understand that he was giving it to her. She deserves the love and protection from a higher power. I still have a long way to go.
Coincidence
Sunday was a good day. It was also a very unusual day. I’ll explain –
I went to the men’s meeting in Amityville with a friend from 10AM – 12PM. After the meeting, my plan was to go to the store and buy a highlighter set, come home and finish step 1. Things don’t always go as I plan…
On the way back to my friend’s house he mentions that he’s going food shopping after I drop him off. I don’t have any major plans so I offer to take him to the store. We do our shopping (I got some fruit and cereal) and we’re on line to pay when he realized that he forgot to buy sugar, so he went back to get it. While looking for sugar, he noticed that the coffee was on sale so he grabbed some of that as well. The line had gotten a little longer when we got back to it so overall the total delay in the store was about 10 extra minutes.
After I dropped my friend at home, I decided to get a haircut. Well, it’s more like getting my head shaved and beard shaped, but let’s not split hairs ;) The hair cut place is in the ghetto. It’s true. The place is in the heart of Brentwood across from Pathmark. It’s not a good area so the normal driver courtesy doesn’t apply and the traffic is always crazy. The Shop, as it’s called, is in a little “strip mall” where Suffolk Ave, Fifth Ave, Pine Aire Drive, and Crooked Hill Rd all meet. The traffic was so bad that I couldn’t make a left into the parking lot so I had to drive passed it, turn at a light, make a U-turn, and then go back. The heavy traffic added at least 10 extra minutes to my trip. No big deal, I didn’t t have anything definitive to do.
When I finally get to the shop, Nano, the bootleg DVD guy asks me to give him a ride home because he forgot his phone. My barber was working on someone else so I agreed. Back into the crazy traffic, more traffic up Suffolk Ave to Route 111. In and out of his house to get the phone then back to the shop. Total trip time was about 20 minutes. Again, I’m not on a schedule so it’s alright.
My barber, Doc, was talking to his girlfriend so the rest of us watched a boot leg of the controversial fight between Mayweather and Ortiz. All I’m saying about the fight is that Mayweather has no class. Total discussion time, 10 minutes.
Finally time to get my hair cut, which goes as usual. I leave The Shop and stop to buy gas and cigarettes. This was a planned stop, so I’m not going to count it as a delay. Anyway, I’m on my way to buy the highlighters so I can finally be done and I remember that I have fruit in the car that should be refrigerated. I detour to the house so I can put the fruit away and head right back out. While I’m home, I give Jon (he’s our fish) a treat and sort some laundry . As I’m trying to find my keys I notice the Just For Today on the table and can’t remember what the reflection was from the morning so I sit on the couch and reread the passage. All total the time spent home was about 15 minutes. I put the book down and grab my keys from the kitchen when there’s a knock on the door. It’s Panthea. My heart leaps in my chest and I fumble to open the door… more on her visit (WOOOOOP!) later tonight because I have to run.
Now what heck does everything you just read have to do with her visit? Well, as Einstein said “Coincidence is God’s way of remaining anonymous.” I choose to believe. If any of the above 10 minute delays ( or as I look at them, nudges of God’s hand) didn’t happen then I wouldn’t have been home when she drove by. If I wasn’t home she wouldn’t have stopped. If she didn’t stop then we wouldn’t have gotten to talk and spend time together. I don’t think that she’s come by to see if I was at home since she moved out because I cheated and betrayed her trust in me and us. I don’t blame her for not wanting to see me, but on this particular day she did, at exactly the right moment. Add to this a few other things, she e-mailed me at 9:19 and my last post was at 9:18. She woke up last night around 3AM and I sent her an e-mail at 3:01. Go ahead and call it coincidence, but 3 times in one 24 hour period is more than I needed as proof.
Thank you, God. If you haven’t done it lately, it’s okay. Stop what you’re doing and thank shim now.
Sunday, September 18, 2011
Friday, September 16, 2011
Another Secret
I love "pop" music. I played the hell out of Kelly Clarkson's "Since you've been gone" when it came out (and for a long time afterward) even though I hadn't lost anyone at the time. My latest favorite pop song is Katy Perry's "Firework." Tomorrow, Panthea, the love of my life is moving out. It's going to be hard for her. Not physically so much as emotionally. Chin up, love. This song is for you:
It's more than a spark, baby. It's a flame. I don't want you to leave, but I understand why. Make it loud. Distort the speakers. Scream the lyrics. It's going to be okay.
It's more than a spark, baby. It's a flame. I don't want you to leave, but I understand why. Make it loud. Distort the speakers. Scream the lyrics. It's going to be okay.
Clarifications
I spoke to Panthea on the telephone last night for the first time in 4 weeks. God, I've missed her voice. Half the time that she was speaking I could see her face, in my minds eye, and the way her mouth looks when she pronounces words. She melts me.
The conversation was fine. We cried sometimes, but I think that was to be expected. We spoke about my last blog post and I needed to clarify a few things:
1. I don't agree with my sponsor that Panthea fell in love with the sick part of me. In her words, she fell in love with the sweet, funny, loving guy. I know I hid the sick part of me from her. My sponsor doesn't know me very well yet and he doesn't know Panthea at all.
2. My statement, "While all this sounds real good" relates to how his statement could play out in theory:
A - If I'm losing the love of my life there isn't anything that I can do about it. I took this to mean that, as an addict, I need to let go of things that are beyond your control. I cheated on her. I fucked up bad and now the repercussions are going to come. Deal with the repercussions, don't run from them. Whether you want to deal with it or not the fire is already burning my house down.
B- I cheated and betrayed the love of my life because I'm fucked up aka "sick." The secrets that I'm holding on to are making me sick. Let go of these things. They're in the past. The amends is not to act that way in the future.
C- We attract what we are. Panthea took this to mean that my sponsor must think that she had to also be "sick" in some way to love someone like me. I spoke to him about this today. He meant a few things, but he wasn't condemning her. He was condemning people like his sponsee's ex-wife who was a caretaker sort of person. She liked that he was living dirty because it made her feel better about herself by comparison. We spoke about his sponsee's situation after we'd wrapped up for the night and were smoking cigarettes. I didn't link the 2 together because it didn't relate to me, but it's important and it makes clear the context. After he shared about his other sponsee, I told him that my relationship with Panthea wasn't that way at all. I think we each stood on equal footing. We propped each other up when necessary, called each other out when required, and encouraged each other to succeed.
D- Getting all my secrets out in the open doesn't mean that I'm over them. As he said, "I'm still sick." I have a chance to get better if I complete the work that the steps require.
E- When I'm better, then I'll be different and attract someone different. I took this to mean that he thinks I'm scared of being outside of a relationship because of how long I've been with Panthea. I'm not scared of being with out Panthea, I'm in love with her. I'd like a chance to heal the pain that I've caused her. I adore her and have felt this way for years. I don't want to be with out her because of those reasons.
3. Panthea isn't a direct reflection of me. She doesn't lie to me, she didn't cheat on me, and she's never betrayed me. We're similar in many ways, but very different in others.
I told Panthea most of these things last night. I don't know how much it helped, but I tried. I was nervous when we spoke because I wanted to make it clear that I was sorry for hurting her and our families by cheating and that I would never do it again. She asked me to take down the post containing her text messages, but she didn't even mention that her responses might have hurt me. She didn't go so far as justifying the text messages (and e-mails with more of the same), but she didn't seem to care if they hurt me either. I wanted to speak to her yesterday because the post had obviously flared up some painful emotions in her. I tried to sooth her to the best of my ability. I didn't mean to hurt her and I'm sorry if what I said last night wasn't enough.
Pon, you completely discounted that you went out of your way to hurt me last night. I love you, but I'm not made of stone. Neither of us are indestructible. We acknowledged that we care about each other. We both need to act like it. I will do everything in my ability to make you feel loved and safe. It is my greatest desire to make your heart whole again. I understand that there are tons of tiny broken pieces that will take a long time for me to put back together again. I understand that your emotions will be on overdrive and that there will be storms which I will gladly navigate through to bring you back home. You need to understand that I need to feel loved after a storm... that I need a safe harbor as well... that I need to know that you want me to be the one to love you. You went out of your way to hurt me yesterday. Your e-mails went from annoyed / surprised to blatantly hurtful and the texts were just out and out mean. That's not right so if you don't care that they hurt me then I'm not going to take down the texts.
The conversation was fine. We cried sometimes, but I think that was to be expected. We spoke about my last blog post and I needed to clarify a few things:
1. I don't agree with my sponsor that Panthea fell in love with the sick part of me. In her words, she fell in love with the sweet, funny, loving guy. I know I hid the sick part of me from her. My sponsor doesn't know me very well yet and he doesn't know Panthea at all.
2. My statement, "While all this sounds real good" relates to how his statement could play out in theory:
A - If I'm losing the love of my life there isn't anything that I can do about it. I took this to mean that, as an addict, I need to let go of things that are beyond your control. I cheated on her. I fucked up bad and now the repercussions are going to come. Deal with the repercussions, don't run from them. Whether you want to deal with it or not the fire is already burning my house down.
B- I cheated and betrayed the love of my life because I'm fucked up aka "sick." The secrets that I'm holding on to are making me sick. Let go of these things. They're in the past. The amends is not to act that way in the future.
C- We attract what we are. Panthea took this to mean that my sponsor must think that she had to also be "sick" in some way to love someone like me. I spoke to him about this today. He meant a few things, but he wasn't condemning her. He was condemning people like his sponsee's ex-wife who was a caretaker sort of person. She liked that he was living dirty because it made her feel better about herself by comparison. We spoke about his sponsee's situation after we'd wrapped up for the night and were smoking cigarettes. I didn't link the 2 together because it didn't relate to me, but it's important and it makes clear the context. After he shared about his other sponsee, I told him that my relationship with Panthea wasn't that way at all. I think we each stood on equal footing. We propped each other up when necessary, called each other out when required, and encouraged each other to succeed.
D- Getting all my secrets out in the open doesn't mean that I'm over them. As he said, "I'm still sick." I have a chance to get better if I complete the work that the steps require.
E- When I'm better, then I'll be different and attract someone different. I took this to mean that he thinks I'm scared of being outside of a relationship because of how long I've been with Panthea. I'm not scared of being with out Panthea, I'm in love with her. I'd like a chance to heal the pain that I've caused her. I adore her and have felt this way for years. I don't want to be with out her because of those reasons.
3. Panthea isn't a direct reflection of me. She doesn't lie to me, she didn't cheat on me, and she's never betrayed me. We're similar in many ways, but very different in others.
I told Panthea most of these things last night. I don't know how much it helped, but I tried. I was nervous when we spoke because I wanted to make it clear that I was sorry for hurting her and our families by cheating and that I would never do it again. She asked me to take down the post containing her text messages, but she didn't even mention that her responses might have hurt me. She didn't go so far as justifying the text messages (and e-mails with more of the same), but she didn't seem to care if they hurt me either. I wanted to speak to her yesterday because the post had obviously flared up some painful emotions in her. I tried to sooth her to the best of my ability. I didn't mean to hurt her and I'm sorry if what I said last night wasn't enough.
Pon, you completely discounted that you went out of your way to hurt me last night. I love you, but I'm not made of stone. Neither of us are indestructible. We acknowledged that we care about each other. We both need to act like it. I will do everything in my ability to make you feel loved and safe. It is my greatest desire to make your heart whole again. I understand that there are tons of tiny broken pieces that will take a long time for me to put back together again. I understand that your emotions will be on overdrive and that there will be storms which I will gladly navigate through to bring you back home. You need to understand that I need to feel loved after a storm... that I need a safe harbor as well... that I need to know that you want me to be the one to love you. You went out of your way to hurt me yesterday. Your e-mails went from annoyed / surprised to blatantly hurtful and the texts were just out and out mean. That's not right so if you don't care that they hurt me then I'm not going to take down the texts.
Thursday, September 15, 2011
Panthea's responses to my last post
1. FRM:Panthea S*****r MSG:"We attract what we are." Fuck you, asshole. I'm not a sick, lying, cheater who hurts everyone around me then blames them for it.t - I don't know if this was the whole message
3. 1 of 2 FRM:Panthea S*****r MSG:Once again, you've confirmed your spot as the biggest fucking asshole I've ever met. Never again. Maybe (Con't) 2 of 2 that'll help you move on. I will never be with you again. Try to find someone "better".t(End)
EXHALE
Love,
I didn't write anything to hurt you or tarnish your name. I don't do that. I wrote it because it vexes me. He said what he said and then I said:
The point here is that while all this sounds real good, the fact remains that 4 weeks later I still love this girl with all of me. I'm not saying that some of shine hasn't rubbed off the apple these past 4 or 5 years, but she remains my favorite person in the world. Yes, her e-mails kill me, but they're required. Last night something she said cut me up and I didn't fall asleep until about 3am. I did some reading and some step work as a distraction. The further away she pushes me the easier it will be to let go. I guess some day I'll look back on the e-mails and be thankful she did for me what I can't do for myself. As my sponsor said, "When the pain gets great enough we stop. This applies to everything, Tom."
I didn't agree with his statement, but one of the suggestions in NA is, "Don't tell help how to help." Another is, "Take the cotton out of your ears and put it in your mouth." Baby, I'm hurting. I know that you're hurting. I miss you tons. You're my best friend and my favorite person. As I stated above, I don't want anyone else to love me. I don't want to try and love someone else either.
Last night you told me that your head and heart are in conflict so you're going with your head. That means that you're leaving us behind and moving on. While that's healthy, and I commend your ability to do that, I can't bring my head to that point. My heart longs for your snugz and it hurts. My head is taking a back seat. I've become a broken record of sharing my regret and heartache. He meant to offer me some peace with the promise that the work will help me in all areas of my life. He doesn't know you. He barely knows me. All he knows is that I'm in pain for multiple reasons: the hurt that I've caused you and the wreckage that I'm left with. Since we don't talk or see each other there is little that I can do to aid in your healing (or try to repair the damage). I can take some action to rebuild the wreckage so that's what I'm doing.
Pon, I'm not going anywhere. I'm not looking for the company of another woman. The books I've read have made me aware that hurt feelings will flare up and there will be storms. I didn't intend to block out the sunshine with what I wrote. Try to read the entry again and imagine me saying it aloud. I wouldn't dare try to hurt you again, Pon. It's not in my nature and it's not in my heart.
I know love because of you. I'm doing what I can to take responsibility for my actions. It's a limited amount of direct amends towards you (because we don't talk or see each other), so I'm working on myself. The entry wasn't another apology, but in no way did I label you anything like what you wrote in your texts. You are the love of my life.
2. 1 of 2 FRM:Panthea S*****r MSG:Use your judgement. Who fucked this up? Me or you? Who owned the sick lies? Who needed help? If you had any (Con't) 2 of 2 judgement you'd tell your sponsor to go fuck himself. s(End)
3. 1 of 2 FRM:Panthea S*****r MSG:Once again, you've confirmed your spot as the biggest fucking asshole I've ever met. Never again. Maybe (Con't) 2 of 2 that'll help you move on. I will never be with you again. Try to find someone "better".t(End)
EXHALE
Love,
I didn't write anything to hurt you or tarnish your name. I don't do that. I wrote it because it vexes me. He said what he said and then I said:
The point here is that while all this sounds real good, the fact remains that 4 weeks later I still love this girl with all of me. I'm not saying that some of shine hasn't rubbed off the apple these past 4 or 5 years, but she remains my favorite person in the world. Yes, her e-mails kill me, but they're required. Last night something she said cut me up and I didn't fall asleep until about 3am. I did some reading and some step work as a distraction. The further away she pushes me the easier it will be to let go. I guess some day I'll look back on the e-mails and be thankful she did for me what I can't do for myself. As my sponsor said, "When the pain gets great enough we stop. This applies to everything, Tom."
I didn't agree with his statement, but one of the suggestions in NA is, "Don't tell help how to help." Another is, "Take the cotton out of your ears and put it in your mouth." Baby, I'm hurting. I know that you're hurting. I miss you tons. You're my best friend and my favorite person. As I stated above, I don't want anyone else to love me. I don't want to try and love someone else either.
Last night you told me that your head and heart are in conflict so you're going with your head. That means that you're leaving us behind and moving on. While that's healthy, and I commend your ability to do that, I can't bring my head to that point. My heart longs for your snugz and it hurts. My head is taking a back seat. I've become a broken record of sharing my regret and heartache. He meant to offer me some peace with the promise that the work will help me in all areas of my life. He doesn't know you. He barely knows me. All he knows is that I'm in pain for multiple reasons: the hurt that I've caused you and the wreckage that I'm left with. Since we don't talk or see each other there is little that I can do to aid in your healing (or try to repair the damage). I can take some action to rebuild the wreckage so that's what I'm doing.
Pon, I'm not going anywhere. I'm not looking for the company of another woman. The books I've read have made me aware that hurt feelings will flare up and there will be storms. I didn't intend to block out the sunshine with what I wrote. Try to read the entry again and imagine me saying it aloud. I wouldn't dare try to hurt you again, Pon. It's not in my nature and it's not in my heart.
I know love because of you. I'm doing what I can to take responsibility for my actions. It's a limited amount of direct amends towards you (because we don't talk or see each other), so I'm working on myself. The entry wasn't another apology, but in no way did I label you anything like what you wrote in your texts. You are the love of my life.
Filling the emptiness
Yesterday, I got pretty bent out of shape. I'm struggling with letting go of Panthea. My sponsor told me something last night that is interesting. He said, "You think that you're losing the love of your life. Maybe you are. There's nothing that you can do about it. However, consider this my brother, she fell in love with the guy who was still sick over the secrets that you just shared with me. Look how much all this shit bothers you. It ain't nothing that I've never heard before so relax. We attract what we are. You're still sick, but I promise you that when we're done with these steps you'll be different... and when you're different you'll attract someone different. Ya' feel me?!" He's a colorful fellow ;)
The point here is that while all this sounds real good, the fact remains that 4 weeks later I still love this girl with all of me. I'm not saying that some of shine hasn't rubbed off the apple these past 4 or 5 years, but she remains my favorite person in the world. Yes, her e-mails kill me, but they're required. Last night something she said cut me up and I didn't fall asleep until about 3am. I did some reading and some step work as a distraction. The further away she pushes me the easier it will be to let go. I guess some day I'll look back on the e-mails and be thankful she did for me what I can't do for myself. As my sponsor said, "When the pain gets great enough we stop. This applies to everything, Tom."
Hmm. Today's daily reflection can be found here: http://www.naworks.org/jft/09-15.html and basically what it says is that the world of addiction is a world of taking and being taken; the world of recovery is a world of giving and being given. In which world do we choose to live? I've been given a lot these past 4 weeks and I've been giving back what I can. It's time to be fully present in the fellowship and my program. I'm half way through step 1 and our goal is be done with Step 5 by my anniversary on December 22nd. I'll be celebrating at the Men's meeting in Amityville. I'll post the exact date when I know.
The point here is that while all this sounds real good, the fact remains that 4 weeks later I still love this girl with all of me. I'm not saying that some of shine hasn't rubbed off the apple these past 4 or 5 years, but she remains my favorite person in the world. Yes, her e-mails kill me, but they're required. Last night something she said cut me up and I didn't fall asleep until about 3am. I did some reading and some step work as a distraction. The further away she pushes me the easier it will be to let go. I guess some day I'll look back on the e-mails and be thankful she did for me what I can't do for myself. As my sponsor said, "When the pain gets great enough we stop. This applies to everything, Tom."
Hmm. Today's daily reflection can be found here: http://www.naworks.org/jft/09-15.html and basically what it says is that the world of addiction is a world of taking and being taken; the world of recovery is a world of giving and being given. In which world do we choose to live? I've been given a lot these past 4 weeks and I've been giving back what I can. It's time to be fully present in the fellowship and my program. I'm half way through step 1 and our goal is be done with Step 5 by my anniversary on December 22nd. I'll be celebrating at the Men's meeting in Amityville. I'll post the exact date when I know.
Wednesday, September 14, 2011
Secrets are reservations
I used to think that Panthea read this blog, but I don't think so anymore so I'm going to share some shit that's been rattling around with the cobwebs in my brain and the giant black mark on my heart -
Panthea and I have been e-mailing. One of things that has come up is the unknown future. She's still very hurt and doesn't want to speak to me. I understand her reasons and abide by them. Recently, she told me that she still cares about me. It's not the same as saying that she loves me, but it's much better than saying she doesn't care at all. It's impossible to know if she means that she cares about me the way that I care about my friends or she means that she cares for me the way she did a month ago. I'm not going to ask her to clarify because she probably doesn't know herself. The unknown is scary. It makes me very uncomfortable. Sometimes I'm okay with it, but most of the time I'm not. Whether it be my work or social life, I don't enjoy leaving things to chance. I guess that makes me boring. I don't find it exciting to wonder about my future. I have a hard time with the serenity prayer:
The wisdom to know the difference?! That's the key isn't it. I'm not wise. If I was wise then I wouldn't be in this position. I wouldn't be losing the love of my life. Both my therapist and my sponsor told me that just because she moves into her new place on Saturday ::sniffle:: doesn't mean that there is no hope for some sort of reconciliation in the future. I'm also told to free my heart to letting her go so that I'm not disappointed if she doesn't return. How can I do that?!!!! How can I let the love of my life go with out a peep. I was told to act as if... meaning that I need to act as if I'm okay with letting her go so that she is freed to live her life without me. That sounds great, but in practice it's killing me. She's beautiful. She's smart. She's cuddly. She laughs at my stupid jokes. She is sexy as all hell. Yesterday I sent her an e-mail telling her that she should date other people and, in a very round about way, that she should allow herself to sleep with other people if she has a desire to do so. Am I out of my fucking mind?!!!! Any guy would love to have her in his life. Christ, I want her in my life. I'd sell my house and move to Iowa to farm pig shit if she wanted me to just so I can hear her say, "Hi, baby" when I walk in the door and get a big hug. She's going to do whatever she wants anyway, but man thinking about her in a romantic embrace with someone else... well, lets just say that I was crying like a baby when I wrote that e-mail to her. Yes, it's selfish. Yes, I know that she probably has thought about me and with someone else and it hurts her. I know all of these things, but it's hard not to notice the pain in my chest that accompanies these thoughts.
Why talk about this now? Well, NA (narcotics anonymous) has a book called "Just For Today." The book is 366 daily meditations for drug addicts to reflect on... one per day and one for leap year. Anyway, today's reading was this:
September 14
Wow. Tonight I'm sharing the 20 things that I'm most ashamed of (secrets) and the 20 things that I'm most thankful for with my sponsor. Things relating to Panthea are more than a half dozen of the items on my combined lists. My 21st secret is that is that I lied to her yesterday. I don't want her to be with anyone else. I love her and my heart is a heaping pile of ash. The books say that I have to let go of her. That she needs to be free of me and that I need to be free of her. It's been 4 weeks since she left me because I cheated. I feel worse about cheating on her today then I did 4 weeks ago. The more I talk about this, the worse I feel. I'm losing her. I adore this girl (young woman for the PC crowd) and the thought of someone else holding her in a romantic way is totally fucking ripping through my insides like a tornado of razor blades. Sigh. I can't keep feeling this way. It's such a drain. I need some peace. When you see me, give me a hug and don't let go if I start crying. I'm sharing with people in the fellowship privately as well as publicly proclaiming what I've done in meetings. I'm praying when I can get past the embarrassment of ruining the biggest blessing I've ever received. I'm crying until I shake when find some unexpected love note from her in the house. I'm using cognitive coping skills when my thoughts go to a bad place. I'm using relaxation techniques that the therapist gave me. I'm doing everything that I'm told to do to the letter and so far all I can say is that I don't want to move on. I don't want anyone else. I want my little Pon. I want my baby back. EXHALE.
Panthea and I have been e-mailing. One of things that has come up is the unknown future. She's still very hurt and doesn't want to speak to me. I understand her reasons and abide by them. Recently, she told me that she still cares about me. It's not the same as saying that she loves me, but it's much better than saying she doesn't care at all. It's impossible to know if she means that she cares about me the way that I care about my friends or she means that she cares for me the way she did a month ago. I'm not going to ask her to clarify because she probably doesn't know herself. The unknown is scary. It makes me very uncomfortable. Sometimes I'm okay with it, but most of the time I'm not. Whether it be my work or social life, I don't enjoy leaving things to chance. I guess that makes me boring. I don't find it exciting to wonder about my future. I have a hard time with the serenity prayer:
God grant me the serenity
To accept the things I can not change;
Courage to change the things that I can;
And the wisdom to know the difference.
The wisdom to know the difference?! That's the key isn't it. I'm not wise. If I was wise then I wouldn't be in this position. I wouldn't be losing the love of my life. Both my therapist and my sponsor told me that just because she moves into her new place on Saturday ::sniffle:: doesn't mean that there is no hope for some sort of reconciliation in the future. I'm also told to free my heart to letting her go so that I'm not disappointed if she doesn't return. How can I do that?!!!! How can I let the love of my life go with out a peep. I was told to act as if... meaning that I need to act as if I'm okay with letting her go so that she is freed to live her life without me. That sounds great, but in practice it's killing me. She's beautiful. She's smart. She's cuddly. She laughs at my stupid jokes. She is sexy as all hell. Yesterday I sent her an e-mail telling her that she should date other people and, in a very round about way, that she should allow herself to sleep with other people if she has a desire to do so. Am I out of my fucking mind?!!!! Any guy would love to have her in his life. Christ, I want her in my life. I'd sell my house and move to Iowa to farm pig shit if she wanted me to just so I can hear her say, "Hi, baby" when I walk in the door and get a big hug. She's going to do whatever she wants anyway, but man thinking about her in a romantic embrace with someone else... well, lets just say that I was crying like a baby when I wrote that e-mail to her. Yes, it's selfish. Yes, I know that she probably has thought about me and with someone else and it hurts her. I know all of these things, but it's hard not to notice the pain in my chest that accompanies these thoughts.
Why talk about this now? Well, NA (narcotics anonymous) has a book called "Just For Today." The book is 366 daily meditations for drug addicts to reflect on... one per day and one for leap year. Anyway, today's reading was this:
September 14
Secrets Are Reservations
"Eventually we are shown that we must get honest, or we will use again." - Basic Text p.82
Everyone has secrets, right? Some of us have little secrets, items that would cause only minor embarrassment if found out. Some of us have big secrets, whole areas of our lives cloaked in thick, murky darkness. Big secrets may represent a more obvious, immediate danger to our recovery. But the little secrets do their own kind of damage, the more insidious perhaps because we think they're "harmless!"
Big or little, our secrets represent spiritual territory we are unwilling to surrender to the principles of recovery. The longer we reserve pieces of our lives to be ruled by self-will and the more vigorously we defend our "right" to hold onto them, the more damage we do. Gradually, the unsurrendered territories of our lives tend to expand, taking more and more ground.
Whether the secrets in our lives are big or little, sooner or later they bring us to the same place. We must choose-either we surrender everything to our program, or we will lose our recovery.
Just for today: I want the kind of recovery that comes from total surrender to the program. Today I will talk with my sponsor and disclose my secrets, big or small. - pg. 268
Wow. Tonight I'm sharing the 20 things that I'm most ashamed of (secrets) and the 20 things that I'm most thankful for with my sponsor. Things relating to Panthea are more than a half dozen of the items on my combined lists. My 21st secret is that is that I lied to her yesterday. I don't want her to be with anyone else. I love her and my heart is a heaping pile of ash. The books say that I have to let go of her. That she needs to be free of me and that I need to be free of her. It's been 4 weeks since she left me because I cheated. I feel worse about cheating on her today then I did 4 weeks ago. The more I talk about this, the worse I feel. I'm losing her. I adore this girl (young woman for the PC crowd) and the thought of someone else holding her in a romantic way is totally fucking ripping through my insides like a tornado of razor blades. Sigh. I can't keep feeling this way. It's such a drain. I need some peace. When you see me, give me a hug and don't let go if I start crying. I'm sharing with people in the fellowship privately as well as publicly proclaiming what I've done in meetings. I'm praying when I can get past the embarrassment of ruining the biggest blessing I've ever received. I'm crying until I shake when find some unexpected love note from her in the house. I'm using cognitive coping skills when my thoughts go to a bad place. I'm using relaxation techniques that the therapist gave me. I'm doing everything that I'm told to do to the letter and so far all I can say is that I don't want to move on. I don't want anyone else. I want my little Pon. I want my baby back. EXHALE.
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
Panthea, you are my sunshine
I'm so sorry, Pon. I'm trying really hard to turn this boy into a man someday. I hope to share the rest of my life with you. I understand that no one can know what the future may hold. For now, take care of yourself, love. I'll be working on myself in the meantime. I hope to see the light of your smile directed at me again someday.
Monday, September 12, 2011
I miss you, Panthea
I know you miss me and I understand why you're not with me anymore. I cheated on you. I'm sorry that I hurt you so badly. I know this week is going to be especially hard for you. Stay strong, Pon. Do what you need to do. I'll be thinking about you.
Sunday, September 11, 2011
I'm sorry, Panthea.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)