What's the point of this blog? Is it for me to vent? Am I still allowed to puke emotions? Am I allowed to spill my guts about everything and anything because of who might be reading my blog? Should I give a shit that Panthea reads this or people in recovery? I like it better when no one read this fuckin' thing. 400 - 500 views a month... why? Is it because of the amusing crap or is it because I was honest about where I was at all the time?
I had a great time last night... an NA event, dinner with some peepz, a terrible movie that we all laughed through, a good night's sleep (well, if you call 5AM to 1PM a night's sleep). I got up, I did laundry, talked on the phone with a few friends for hours... literally, some house keeping, some new house browsing, and now my mood is pensive (expressing or revealing thoughtfulness, usually marked by some sadness).
I miss you, Panthea. I'm pretty sure that I still love you. It's not sex, I've had enough of that since you left. It's not companionship, I've had as much as I want since you left. It's you. I miss my life with you. I'm not depressed as much as I'm lost. So much has happened in 6 years, so much has happened this year, so many things are finally in line and I feel like I'm only partially enjoying it because I wish you were here to experience them with me.
I doubt you're coming back. It scares me to write this because I don't want to lose all contact. There is no need to run away. I don't get my hopes up when you respond to my e-mails. I understand that I'm the one reaching out to you, it's not the other way around. You put an exclamation point on that when you would rather have gone to a midnight yoga class on new years than ask me to spend time with you. I don't take your new life for granted. I'm sure it's enough to keep you satisfied. It had better be because it's all that keeps me from hoping we'll find each other again some day. Please be better off now. Please be happier. Please be content and on the path to everything you've ever dreamed. It helps me move on.
I needed to write this. I'm going to need to write a lot of things this year. There is a lot going on. 90 meetings in 90 Days. We should give everything 90 days... seasons change and so can we.
I just cried my eyes out. Sometimes it's good to cry. The release of emotions helps to lessen them. The lyrics of this song don't apply as much as "Don't you remember", but I'm not really asking for that. I just wanted her to know that she's missed. Please don't run away, Pon. My head knows what's up... I'm just waiting for my heart to catch on. In the mean time...
We're all free now (Thanks, God lol). It's our choice not to let go... and be dragged. If you don't pick "it" up then we can't get high... rinse and repeat.
