We toss these words around and others expect that we know what they mean. Members expect that the "experience" we share is telling the whole story. In reality, we often are not. Sometimes, sharing the whole story, is the purpose of this blog for me. I really have no idea who in recovery reads this blog. I've never directly asked anyone and if you haven't mentioned it to me then please don't bring it up now. I need a place to smooth out the rough spots. Working steps has helped with broad topics, but there are still these niche topics that gnaw at me. Talking to my sponsor about things is easy because it's his job to listen (that's not really what a sponsor's purpose is, but it makes my point here). Bringing myself to share with others has taken time. I've gotten much better at trusting others the last 18 months. It's not easy to put yourself in a position to be hurt. The rooms are a small community and sharing sensitive information could wind up with your shit all over Broad Street. I understand that most of what we have to share isn't actually that big of a deal, but it sure feels that way to most of us when we're going through it and that's the reason why we worry / show a lack of trust... hence the blog. Sharing here allows me to work things out to the point where I can share it in the "real" world.
Someone shared something with me the other day: rehab is a program of discovery and NA is a program of recovery. While that is true at it's core, it's not completely accurate for me. Recovery has been an ongoing process of discovery as to who I am and who I was. When I was a child I hid the things that went on in my home, when I was an adolescent I masked how uncomfortable I felt all the time by trying to be what others wanted me to be, as a teen I used sports and drinking as my identity, by the time I hit 20 I relied on drugs and alcohol to introduce me to any kind of relationship. I'm just starting to learn who I am... what I like and what I don't like, what my dreams are, where I'd like to be in 5 years, etc.
5 years ago I didn't feel comfortable expressing anything. I was conflicted and afraid to fail. I still had a great desire to fit in and find acceptance. I wanted to be all things to all people. Any set back or shortfall was a devastating failure. I had few acquaintances and 2 friends. I buried myself in work and relied heavily on my ex-fiance to provide my source of happiness (which was a burden no one could have lived up to although she did an amazing job). I didn't love my job, but it's all I had to gauge my self worth. I put all that I could into it because I felt I'd have no future with out it. I acted out on any difficulty that was too great to ignore. I could not handle any form of conflict: choosing instead to be passive aggressive as my outlets. Just like with my drug use, it took a significant event to force a change in me.
I've entered a place in my life where I see myself as a work in progress and my flaws as an opportunity to grow. By addressing these shortcomings I'm able to improve on who I am as a person. This is a marked difference from minimizing or attempting to hide them. Today I don't need to be perfect in order to be worthy of love let alone your time... I have surrendered to a path of self discovery. I can see my defects as impediments that prevent me from moving forward to the person and places I want to be. As I unload these burdens (anger, fear, and jealousy) I will continue to grow... growing up and being comfortable as my own person is really all I ever wanted.
I love that song, but when I dance I prefer something like this:
I know this sounds corny, but "make it a great day."
Bisous and squeezos.
