I'm get very emotional sometimes. I don't know what brings this on. This article brought tears to my eyes. Not what it said, but the images. The little kid is cute, but she's sick and the idea of her going to school all alone makes me sad. I felt this way the other night watching the U2 9/11 tribute as well. I spoke at a rehab on Sunday and poured out some stuff which opened the door for others to do the same and I teared up. I guess most of what happens is that I see my past in the lives of others and I desperately want them to avoid the wreckage I have caused.
It's occurred to me that I'm just beginning to understand who I am and what I stand for. I'm 38 years old and until recently I didn't have a sense of myself. This doesn't make sense to normal people, but my history shows a pattern. As a child I hid what went on at home so no one knew what I had going on inside. I was so consumed with fear that I didn't care about anything other than not causing trouble. I read and that's about all I did when my father was home. I don't think I played with any toys or even listened to the radio. We only had one tv back then and he was watching it so that was out. Basically if it didn't come into my house then I had no idea it existed. As I got older I stayed at other people's houses as often as I could and learned new things... (Everything bagels? What's that? Mint chip ice cream? MTV? Puma sneakers? Rap music? Posters on the walls? Penthouse? You get the idea). I became whatever you liked so, hopefully, you'd like me. By the time I was 13 I'd started drinking and smoking cigs so that made me the cool kid. The rebel. It became my identity. In high school the kids who played sports were all drinkers so I fit right in on both fronts. I was in honors classes so I didn't have to associate with many of them during the day (saving me from sober conversation), but at night (after practice) and on weekends I was liquored up and "we" had something in common. This worked extremely well for me, socially, when I go to college as I was always down for a party... and everyone likes a party so I was in the middle of everything until I got thrown out of each university for not attending classes.
The point of this whole thing is to say that I didn't really have a clue how to interact on my own. Be me. I didn't know me. Never cared to know me... as long as you liked me then I was good. It's insane to realize this now. I'm learning, but like anything else that's new it takes getting used to. I like being myself and if "you" don't like me then I guess you're not for me. Everyone doesn't have to love me anymore. It's okay. There are lots more people who do. Get in where you fit in!
By the way, this song sounds sick in my car... long live 80's alternative rock
The google ad was for young gay men... guess that explains why I have so many gay friends lol
