Recently I've had the opportunity to see my past struggles come up in the lives of other people... usually with relationships. A good friend called me late last night because he's struggling with trust. He's dating someone with less clean time then him (what a shocker) and while she is doing the work with positive results the change isn't always as expected. These are both good people. They're good for each other, but they are both scared of losing something that's been better than anything else they have ever experienced. She shared that she almost left him a month ago because she felt like her happiness was too dependent on him. She feared that their lives were too interwoven. Around that time, he thought she might be seeing someone else (on the sneak) because the dynamic of the relationship had changed. In turn, he wanted to act out with another woman before she had a chance to hurt him. Sounds familiar.
Another couple having problems hits equally close to home. They're both women: one of them is in school and the other has a full time job. One of them hates to fight, fears losing her partner, and just can't bring herself to share what she needs... so she hangs on each moment pitching from happy to sad, content to broken hearted. It's not easy to watch. Again, I know them both and believe that they're each good people, but the lack of communication is going to kill the relationship. Maybe there would be no relationship if the quiet one opened her mouth, but that's a risk she is going to have to take.
With both of these scenarios I've encouraged everyone to keep their side of the street clean. Open your mouth and say what you need. If the other person can't give you what you need then it's time to leave. In most relationships, compromise can be found and everyone gets what they want. The obsession and compulsion common to most of us is fueled by guilt and shame. If either of these relationships ended by cheating I know everyone involved would wonder, "What if? Had I only not done 'whatever' then we'd still be together." Well guys and gals, here is your opportunity. Take action before it's too late.
We all need to say what we need (tell us what your problem is and how we can help). I'm amazed at how people react when I tell them that I need something (emotionally or just a helping hand). Maybe the world was always like this and I didn't realize it. Honestly, I thought that only the best looking people, or the funniest, or the toughest, or the richest could get what they wanted in this life. Self confidence comes from accomplishment, self esteem through praise. Anyone with 30 days, 60 days, 90 days can feel that sense of accomplishment. You're building on something new. Don't allow the past to dictate your worth. Move forward to where you want to go. Climb out of the mud. I promise you that there is solid ground. If you do the work required, then you'll find that place faster than I did. You won't have to hurt yourself, someone else, or allow yourself to be a doormat. You're worth it and if the people around you don't feel that way then find some new people. Family isn't going to forgive right away (and they shouldn't) so get with us and we'll help you, cheer you. The program works through inspiration (powers of example), but the work on yourself can only be accomplished through self motivation. Take a risk, dammit. What do you have to lose?!
