Sometimes funny while tragically self indulgent at others these are my experiences and thoughts about my personal life and recovery. Come on in. Relax and enjoy the show.
In Your time, God, may I grow in my understanding of self. My
spiritual journey involves a discovery of self. For years, I pretended
to be what I was not, what I imagined myself to be, or what others
wanted me to be. Today I am beginning to know myself. I understand my
needs and my strengths. I accept my weaknesses and live with my
confusion. From the time I put down the "drugs", things have progressively
gotten better, but there is still a great deal I do not understand.The
daily violence and suffering, and my own personal greed, cowardice, and
arrogance-where do they come from? I do not know, and that is okay. I
still search.My suspicion is that the answer lies within my own
insecurities.
The only thing stopping you from succeeding one day is you.
I'm get very emotional sometimes. I don't know what brings this on. This article brought tears to my eyes. Not what it said, but the images. The little kid is cute, but she's sick and the idea of her going to school all alone makes me sad. I felt this way the other night watching the U2 9/11 tribute as well. I spoke at a rehab on Sunday and poured out some stuff which opened the door for others to do the same and I teared up. I guess most of what happens is that I see my past in the lives of others and I desperately want them to avoid the wreckage I have caused.
It's occurred to me that I'm just beginning to understand who I am and what I stand for. I'm 38 years old and until recently I didn't have a sense of myself. This doesn't make sense to normal people, but my history shows a pattern. As a child I hid what went on at home so no one knew what I had going on inside. I was so consumed with fear that I didn't care about anything other than not causing trouble. I read and that's about all I did when my father was home. I don't think I played with any toys or even listened to the radio. We only had one tv back then and he was watching it so that was out. Basically if it didn't come into my house then I had no idea it existed. As I got older I stayed at other people's houses as often as I could and learned new things... (Everything bagels? What's that? Mint chip ice cream? MTV? Puma sneakers? Rap music? Posters on the walls? Penthouse? You get the idea). I became whatever you liked so, hopefully, you'd like me. By the time I was 13 I'd started drinking and smoking cigs so that made me the cool kid. The rebel. It became my identity. In high school the kids who played sports were all drinkers so I fit right in on both fronts. I was in honors classes so I didn't have to associate with many of them during the day (saving me from sober conversation), but at night (after practice) and on weekends I was liquored up and "we" had something in common. This worked extremely well for me, socially, when I go to college as I was always down for a party... and everyone likes a party so I was in the middle of everything until I got thrown out of each university for not attending classes.
The point of this whole thing is to say that I didn't really have a clue how to interact on my own. Be me. I didn't know me. Never cared to know me... as long as you liked me then I was good. It's insane to realize this now. I'm learning, but like anything else that's new it takes getting used to. I like being myself and if "you" don't like me then I guess you're not for me. Everyone doesn't have to love me anymore. It's okay. There are lots more people who do. Get in where you fit in!
By the way, this song sounds sick in my car... long live 80's alternative rock
The google ad was for young gay men... guess that explains why I have so many gay friends lol
We watch them walk in to their first meeting defeated, their
spirits broken. Their suffering is obvious, and their desire for help
even more apparent. They collect a welcome chip and go back to their
seats, shaken by the effort.
We see them again, and they seem a little more comfortable.
They’ve found a sponsor and are attending meetings every night. They
still won’t meet our glance, but they nod their heads in recognition as
we share. We notice a spark of hope in their eyes, and they smile
uncertainly when we encourage them to keep coming back.
A few months later, they are standing straight. They’ve learned
how to make eye contact. They’re working the steps with their sponsor
and are healing as a result. We listen to them sharing at meetings. We
stack chairs with them afterward.
A few years later, they are speaking at a convention workshop.
They’ve got a wonderful, humorous personality. They smile when they see
us, they hug us, and they tell us they could never have done it without
us. And they understand when we say, “nor could we, without you.”
The truth of the matter is a 12 step program's life blood is the new comer. The struggles of someone new cause us to reflect on our own past experience and force us to reach back for the tools that helped us in the past. In sharing our experience, strength, and hope with someone else we keep the knowledge of these tools in the forefront of our brain... at the ready to be applied to events of our lives as they come up. New comers in need of rides depend on us to pick them up... even on nights when we would rather just go home and rest. Beside they keep us up to date on the latest slang (Let's go to the "XXXX" meeting tonight... Really, man? I don't know that place is ratchet). Whether we like it or not, new comers watch people with time... if we don't take meetings and our discussions afterwards seriously then neither will they.
“Courage doesn’t always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, “I will try again tomorrow.” - Mary Anne Radmacher
“Fall seven times, stand up eight.” – Chinese Proverb
There was time when we would laugh at others and ourselves for being this high. "I'm so high that I can't even hold the fork..." It's not so funny now, is it? We give you one promise: "an addict, ANY ADDICT can stop using drugs, lose the desire to use, and find a new way to live." Stick around.
Hmmm... very cute, furry, slightly above average size head (somewhat big for the torso), little arms, relatively long legs, and relatively GIANT feet. Reminds me of someone...
Humility
is not so much about trying to be good as accepting that I am
imperfect. For too long, I thought humility was keeping the peace,
appearing to be perfect, bottling up my anger and resentments, living a
life of people-pleasing. Today I understand that humility is being
real. It is accepting my humanity and being honest in my relationships.
Humility is respecting the lives of others while respecting my own.
Humility is seeking to reveal the Divinity that God has given to my
life. Humility is knowing that in the lives of my fellow human beings,
the good and the bad are reflected in me.
We toss these words around and others expect that we know what they mean. Members expect that the "experience" we share is telling the whole story. In reality, we often are not. Sometimes, sharing the whole story, is the purpose of this blog for me. I really have no idea who in recovery reads this blog. I've never directly asked anyone and if you haven't mentioned it to me then please don't bring it up now. I need a place to smooth out the rough spots. Working steps has helped with broad topics, but there are still these niche topics that gnaw at me. Talking to my sponsor about things is easy because it's his job to listen (that's not really what a sponsor's purpose is, but it makes my point here). Bringing myself to share with others has taken time. I've gotten much better at trusting others the last 18 months. It's not easy to put yourself in a position to be hurt. The rooms are a small community and sharing sensitive information could wind up with your shit all over Broad Street. I understand that most of what we have to share isn't actually that big of a deal, but it sure feels that way to most of us when we're going through it and that's the reason why we worry / show a lack of trust... hence the blog. Sharing here allows me to work things out to the point where I can share it in the "real" world.
Someone shared something with me the other day: rehab is a program of discovery and NA is a program of recovery. While that is true at it's core, it's not completely accurate for me. Recovery has been an ongoing process of discovery as to who I am and who I was. When I was a child I hid the things that went on in my home, when I was an adolescent I masked how uncomfortable I felt all the time by trying to be what others wanted me to be, as a teen I used sports and drinking as my identity, by the time I hit 20 I relied on drugs and alcohol to introduce me to any kind of relationship. I'm just starting to learn who I am... what I like and what I don't like, what my dreams are, where I'd like to be in 5 years, etc.
5 years ago I didn't feel comfortable expressing anything. I was conflicted and afraid to fail. I still had a great desire to fit in and find acceptance. I wanted to be all things to all people. Any set back or shortfall was a devastating failure. I had few acquaintances and 2 friends. I buried myself in work and relied heavily on my ex-fiance to provide my source of happiness (which was a burden no one could have lived up to although she did an amazing job). I didn't love my job, but it's all I had to gauge my self worth. I put all that I could into it because I felt I'd have no future with out it. I acted out on any difficulty that was too great to ignore. I could not handle any form of conflict: choosing instead to be passive aggressive as my outlets. Just like with my drug use, it took a significant event to force a change in me.
I've entered a place in my life where I see myself as a work in progress and my flaws as an opportunity to grow. By addressing these shortcomings I'm able to improve on who I am as a person. This is a marked difference from minimizing or attempting to hide them. Today I don't need to be perfect in order to be worthy of love let alone your time... I have surrendered to a path of self discovery. I can see my defects as impediments that prevent me from moving forward to the person and places I want to be. As I unload these burdens (anger, fear, and jealousy) I will continue to grow... growing up and being comfortable as my own person is really all I ever wanted.
I love that song, but when I dance I prefer something like this:
I know this sounds corny, but "make it a great day."
Bisous and squeezos.
San Francisco over Atlanta - The 49ers win. The Falcons were scoreless is the 2nd half.
New England over Baltimore - The Ravens win. Woop!! The Patriots were shut out in the 2nd half!!
Let is be known that I hope that Atlanta and Baltimore win, but I went with my heart last week and it yielded very little. This week I'm picking with my head. I'd love to see Matt Ryan and Ray Lewis in the Super Bowl.
#antibrady
#tranny
#cutyourhair
#19-1... it's the 1 that mattered the most!!! Hahahaha
Good turn out. The main meeting had speakers were from Cali. It was a Latino family that got clean. With times ranging from 19 years to 8 months, each of the 4 speakers had a unique story. Hit home for one of my good friends whose Mom is struggling. I love you, Joe. Keep that fuckin' chin up, bro.
In honor of our Latino friends who spoke a mariachi band played for 30 min or so before the main meeting kicked off. You can see their giant hats.
While I got a kick out of the mariachi band, I enjoyed the giant beach balls we batted around much more. While addiction is deadly serious we should keep in mind that recovery can be lots of fun. Good work Nassau.
“Its hard to wait around for something you know might never happen; but
its harder to give up when you know its everything you want.” – Unknown
“Happiness cannot be traveled to, owned, earned, or worn. It is the
spiritual experience of living every minute with love, grace &
gratitude.”- Denis Waitley
“Forget all the reasons it won’t work and believe the one reason that it will.” - Unknown
“Don’t worry about failures, worry about the chances you miss when you don’t even try.” – Jack Canfield
“Build your own dreams, or someone else will hire you to build theirs.” – Farah Gray
“Self confidence is the most attractive quality a person can have.
how can anyone see how awesome you are if you can’t see it yourself?” – Unknown
“Being happy doesn’t mean that everything is perfect. it means that you’ve decided to look beyond the imperfections.” - Unknown
...and the best for last!!
“No one is going to hand me success. I must go out & get it
myself. That’s why I’m here. To dominate. To conquer. Both the world,
and myself.” - Unknown
"Now, the other congressionally imposed deadline coming up is the
so-called debt ceiling -- something most Americans hadn’t even heard of
before two years ago. I want to be clear about this. The debt ceiling
is not a question of authorizing more spending. Raising the debt
ceiling does not authorize more spending. It simply allows the country
to pay for spending that Congress has already committed to. These are
bills that have already been racked up and we need to pay them.
"The fact that we are here today to debate raising America's debt limit
is a sign of leadership failure. It is a sign that the U.S. Government
can't pay its own bills," Senator Obama said before a March 16, 2006, vote on
raising the debt limit.
"Because this is about paying your bills. Everybody here understands this. I mean, this is not a
complicated concept. You don’t go out to dinner and then eat all you
want, and then leave without paying the check. And if you do, you’re
breaking the law. And Congress should think about it the same way that
the American people do. You don’t -- now, if Congress wants to have a
debate about maybe we shouldn’t go out to dinner next time, maybe we
should go to a more modest restaurant, that’s fine. That’s a debate
that we should have. But you don’t say, in order for me to control my
appetites, I’m going to not pay the people who already provided me
services, people who already lent me the money. That’s not showing any
discipline. All that’s doing is not meeting your obligations. You
can’t do that."
The issue (showing a lack of discipline) is that reasonable people don't think about going to dinner when they know they can't afford it. You don't tell everyone to get dressed and that "we're" going out to eat when you know that you've already maxed out every credit card you own due to the last few parties you treated everyone to over the last few years. No one wants to look that foolish. When Obama took office the debt ceiling was $11.315 trillion and today it stands at $16.394 trillion. The money has run out so another increase is required. Is it possible for you and I borrow our way out of debt? Does it make sense to have a loan that is 10 times your annual income? Would you try to carry a million dollar house if you earned 100,000 a year? I can tell you from person experience that it just can't be done. Yes, someone else got to party with the money before he came to office, but this me too attitude with borrowing needs to stop. Enough is enough. Everyone keeps talking about growing the economy... all I see is growing debt. There is no plan to stop this. Wake up ladies and gentlemen, we're going to be living with this problem. We didn't make the $10.7 million that Obama did over the last 4 years... with lifetime health care and a $200,000 a year pension ahead of us. Look it all up. Google is your friend.
A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the DC Beltway. Nothing was moving.
Suddenly, a man knocks on the window.
The driver rolls down the window and asks, "What's going on?"
"Terrorists have kidnapped all of our Congressman, and they're asking for a $100 million ransom.Otherwise, the kidnappers are going to douse them all in gasoline and set them on fire. We are going from car to carcollecting donations."
"How much is everyone giving, on average?" the driver asks.
I've written about this before, but it's worth repeating.
People outside of 12 step programs communicate differently than those living one. "How was your day?" is a canned follow-up to a greeting in "normal" society. Regular people expect an answer that is a sentence or two long. Don't go beyond that because they'll start to get uncomfortable. They don't know what to do with themselves as you outline the details of the feelings you experienced through various events that have transpired since the last time you saw them. In a 12 step program, the words, "How have you been?" are reserved for those in our support group or a new comer because (let's be honest here) this could take awhile lol. I mean just tonight I was having a google chat with L to the P about running and it was fine, but then John called me and we spoke for 34 minutes (I checked) about training... the reasons we went back, surprises and disappointments (in our physical capabilities), what goes through our heads when we run and the feelings we experience while at the gym and afterwards. We didn't go into our routines or anything like that. We just did what addicts do. We shared. Which couldn't be more different than what 2 men normally do. Until you've had some parking lot recovery, you'll never understand. If you're struggling, just open up. You might be surprised what you say and the response you get from the smiling person across from you. If we laugh it's because we identify with you 100%. Eventually you'll learn that sharing isn't just for times of struggle. It's the key to peace in your heart.
By the way, this isn't a knock against regular folks. My mom, my dad, grandma, sisters, and favorite person are all normal people. Try as they might, they're not used to communicating this way so they don't get it. Someday maybe, but not today.
Complete defeat—what a concept! That must mean surrender. Surrender—to give up absolutely. To quit with no reservations. To put up our hands and quit fighting. Maybe to put up our hand at our first meeting and admit we’re addicts.
How do we know we’ve taken a First Step that will allow us to live drug-free? We know because, once we have taken that gigantic step, we never have to use again—just for today. That’s it. It’s not easy, but it’s very simple.
We work the First Step. We accept that, yes, we are addicts. “One is too many, and a thousand never enough.” We’ve proven that to ourselves enough times. We admit that we cannot handle drugs in any form. We admit it; we say it out loud, if necessary.
We take the First Step at the beginning of our day. For one day. This admission frees us, just for today, from the need to live out our addiction all over again. We’ve surrendered to this disease. We give up. We quit. But in quitting, we win. And that’s the paradox of the First Step: We surrender to win, and by surrendering we gain a far greater power than we ever imagined possible.
––––=––––
Just for today: I admit that I am powerless over my addiction. I will surrender to win.
Complete defeat doesn't just pop into your head one day. The life of an active addict has to take an extreme turn for the worse before surrender enters the equation. It's not easy living the life of an active addict. They suffer and struggle each day trying to keep it together... to maintain some semblance of normalcy. It's all worth it if they can get high... until it's not worth it anymore. The time when that decision comes is different for everyone. Then we get clean and the character defects rise to the surface; replacing the drugs. "Well, it's better than using", we think... that is until acting out makes our lives a mess. Finally we put these down one at a time as well. Have patience, the rate of recovery varies from addict to addict.
This morning started out the same as any other: took a poop, weighed myself, vitamins and meds, turned on the news, and fired up the laptop to check e-mail. While deleting the ton of self inflicted spam I get each day I dropped my e-cig and when I bent down to pick it up I noticed that my toe nails really needed a trim. I don't know the reason I let them grow so long other than it must be pure laziness. So I grab the nail cutter and go to work. For gigs, I weigh myself again... I'm down a pound. Sigh. I'm just ridiculous. MY procrastination knows no bounds.
Just for today (01/11): I know that faith in my Higher Power will not calm the storms of life, but it will calm my heart. I will let my faith shelter me in times of trouble.
Isn't this really all anyone wants? Realistically, our experience shows there will be events in our lives that are beyond our control, but having the peace of mind to know that we will work through them and come out the other side intact is wonderful.
The hotel is booked and we're doin' it big. Too bad it's in Philly this year... a few years ago it was in Barcelona! That would have been very cool indeed. The advantage to Philly is turnout, we haven't had an east coast World Convention in awhile so you're talking about NY, NJ, CT, DE, MD, VA, DC all making the trip to centralized Philadelphia. Thousands of peepz. If you're on the fence about this, just do it. Conventions are great, but this is the "World Convention." The clean time countdown alone is going to be worth the price of admission. Plus, you can go sightseeing! They have the Liberty Bell, there's a Chic-fil-A, and...
In an attempt to show me that he/she isn't as freaky as I've been claiming my friend asked me to try the following search on Amazon... I'm looking for someone (a woman is preferred, but that's open for discussion) who wants to get down while wearing the squirrel mask. Get that nut ::rimshot::
I just noticed that the recommended age for most of the masks is 15-19 years old. Now I understand why people married their high school sweethearts! If I'd dated a girl back then who had a few of these buried in her closet we'd have a dozen kids by now....
It's a sunrise, but you guys can pretend it's a sunset (cuz it's 7PM). I sent this to a little someone as a little somethin' to brighten her morning... she wasn't impressed (much higher standards for what's cool now that she's a city girl ::insert wink::). In my humble opinion, other than the burnt up bush in the forefront (lol), I really like it. I wish I could get this in high res and have it printed (in high res) for framing. Posters.com is out.
Yes, I'm a decorator now... only the exact opposite. As I've mentioned to some of you, I'm planning on buying a new place. Hopefully a house with a pool and a kitchen that has more than one draw for utensils. I have some high anxiety over decorating the place. What the hell to do I know about decorating? Um, I like orange, darker wood colors, and metal accents. Is every room going to look like my current kitchen? (sorry, no images available). Adam's suggestion is to "Just go to Ikea and copy their displays. Furniture. Room color. Carpet. Everything." Yeah, thanks buddy. At some point we need to step up from what that company's founder once referred to his products as...."Disposable Furniture."
Any to the who, that picture raises my spirits so I hope it does the same for you. A loving and caring God as the creator? The above picture is my Exhibit A.
Possession of knowledge without putting it to proper use has plagued me through out my recovery process. Most commonly, my defect was not stating what I wanted or taking any action to get it. I think that fear brought about by a lack of self esteem is the cause. I would either complain about what made me unhappy (to someone else lol) or hold in the words and act out in other ways.
Recently I've had the opportunity to see my past struggles come up in the lives of other people... usually with relationships. A good friend called me late last night because he's struggling with trust. He's dating someone with less clean time then him (what a shocker) and while she is doing the work with positive results the change isn't always as expected. These are both good people. They're good for each other, but they are both scared of losing something that's been better than anything else they have ever experienced. She shared that she almost left him a month ago because she felt like her happiness was too dependent on him. She feared that their lives were too interwoven. Around that time, he thought she might be seeing someone else (on the sneak) because the dynamic of the relationship had changed. In turn, he wanted to act out with another woman before she had a chance to hurt him. Sounds familiar.
Another couple having problems hits equally close to home. They're both women: one of them is in school and the other has a full time job. One of them hates to fight, fears losing her partner, and just can't bring herself to share what she needs... so she hangs on each moment pitching from happy to sad, content to broken hearted. It's not easy to watch. Again, I know them both and believe that they're each good people, but the lack of communication is going to kill the relationship. Maybe there would be no relationship if the quiet one opened her mouth, but that's a risk she is going to have to take.
With both of these scenarios I've encouraged everyone to keep their side of the street clean. Open your mouth and say what you need. If the other person can't give you what you need then it's time to leave. In most relationships, compromise can be found and everyone gets what they want. The obsession and compulsion common to most of us is fueled by guilt and shame. If either of these relationships ended by cheating I know everyone involved would wonder, "What if? Had I only not done 'whatever' then we'd still be together." Well guys and gals, here is your opportunity. Take action before it's too late.
We all need to say what we need (tell us what your problem is and how we can help). I'm amazed at how people react when I tell them that I need something (emotionally or just a helping hand). Maybe the world was always like this and I didn't realize it. Honestly, I thought that only the best looking people, or the funniest, or the toughest, or the richest could get what they wanted in this life. Self confidence comes from accomplishment, self esteem through praise. Anyone with 30 days, 60 days, 90 days can feel that sense of accomplishment. You're building on something new. Don't allow the past to dictate your worth. Move forward to where you want to go. Climb out of the mud. I promise you that there is solid ground. If you do the work required, then you'll find that place faster than I did. You won't have to hurt yourself, someone else, or allow yourself to be a doormat. You're worth it and if the people around you don't feel that way then find some new people. Family isn't going to forgive right away (and they shouldn't) so get with us and we'll help you, cheer you. The program works through inspiration (powers of example), but the work on yourself can only be accomplished through self motivation. Take a risk, dammit. What do you have to lose?!
I'm driving home from picking up some food and I notice a big puff of smoke drift out the window of the car in front of me. A few seconds later, the pot smell hits me. It's strong. The light changes and we drive off, but the smell doesn't leave. After a minute I'm getting paranoid, the smell isn't going away and I'm going to have people in my car tomorrow. Will they think I smoked pot? I roll down all the windows to air out the interior, but the plumes of smoke keep coming out of the car in front of me straight into my truck. It's not a long drive from 83 to the entrance of my development, but it was seriously like an episode straight outta' Cheech and Chong.
As I look back over the experience it makes me think about how badly I must have reeked of pot smoke when I got home at night... how I always assumed that rolling down the car windows would eliminate the odor preventing detection if I got pulled over by the cops. Wrong. Cigarette smoke is one thing (yeah I said it... you guys stink), but pot smoke is just another level. When you smoke a joint in the car and walk into a meeting, we all know. I'm not preachin' I'm just sayin', "You ain't foolin' anybody, yo."
Yes, I'm aware that my e-Cig vapor smells like crack. Get over it.
Oh my goodness, I take back what I said the other day about expressing myself... really, stop expressing yourselves to meeee! Please stop sending me pictures of all the freaky shit that you're into, people. I get it, but I'm not the gatekeeper to all that is kink lmao. My opinion of some of you has changed... you know who youare... keep your phone handy later lol
A few of you have sent me some recommendations (of the more tame variety), I don't know if I'm going to read the Fifty Shades of Grey books (last night I spent time enjoying a few excellent excellent stories about what happened to a group of people last summer) or watch 9-1/2 weeks again (it disappointed the first time around), but I think I will see "Secretary." Netflix doesn't have it, but thankfully I have Amazon Prime :)
I'm going to work some of this "energy" out tonight by... running. Rahr! Some parts of me are still burning a lil' bit after the last workout tee-he. Anyway, well it's more of a walk / jog thing than a run, but it's something. Progress not perfection. As a side note, there has got be a set of head phones (besides the big JetBlue jams) at my place. I can't find them anywhere... GRRRRR!!! I'm accepting recommendations for HEADPHONES... keep your naughtiness to yourself, unless it's really good.
I'm convinced that most people have a part of them that is the polar opposite of what they present to the world on a daily basis. Case in point, an upstanding young woman... one of my favorite people, a pillar of society (albeit a small one)... sent me this today. Awesome. Not just because she sent it, but because it was at the ready... probably saved as a favorite somewhere buried in her browser. Oh, behave.
Anyway, I love erotica. It's my roots. I grew up enjoying erotic stories much more than looking at the images. I guess I knew what the parts looked like, but I wanted to know how it felt to use them... ya know what I'm saying? Pictures couldn't tell me what it felt like to get busy. I read tons of stories back in the day. I read everything there was to read... how to - of course, group sex - let's go, taboo stories - I'm down, sex with frogs, robots, cousins, outdoors, back doors, bondage... I read EVERYTHING... and I liked it all. Yes, some more than others but I enjoyed the diversity much more than I've ever admitted to anyone. Role playing rocks. I've never been able to bring myself to say this out loud. Usually, you don't have to say anything... you know when a person gets your vibe and wants to play in that sandbox. I've tried to start the conversation a few times with "normal" people, to make it known that I wanted to get down in freak town, but I just couldn't. So, if you want to wear a clown outfit while I do you from behind in a rabbit suit?... give me 30 minutes, your place or mine?
We’re doing great in recovery, aren’t we? We go to a meeting every day, we spend every evening with our friends in the fellowship, and every weekend we dash off to a service workshop. But if things are falling to pieces at home, we’re not doing so great after all.
We expect our families to understand. After all, we’re not using drugs anymore. Why don’t they recognize our progress? Don’t they understand how important our meetings, our service, and our involvement with the fellowship are?
Our families will not appreciate the change NA is working in our lives unless we show them. If we rush off to a meeting the same way we rushed off to use drugs, what has changed? If we continue to ignore the needs and desires of our partners and children, failing to accept our responsibilities at home, we aren’t “practicing these principles in all our affairs.”
We must live the program everywhere we go, in everything we do. If we want the spiritual life to be more than a theory, we have to live it at home. When we do this, the people we share our lives with are sure to notice the change and be grateful that we’ve found NA.
Fail to do this and you'll be this guy...
Forgive me if this pic is a repost, but I love it sooo much lol
What's the point of this blog? Is it for me to vent? Am I still allowed to puke emotions? Am I allowed to spill my guts about everything and anything because of who might be reading my blog? Should I give a shit that Panthea reads this or people in recovery? I like it better when no one read this fuckin' thing. 400 - 500 views a month... why? Is it because of the amusing crap or is it because I was honest about where I was at all the time?
I had a great time last night... an NA event, dinner with some peepz, a terrible movie that we all laughed through, a good night's sleep (well, if you call 5AM to 1PM a night's sleep). I got up, I did laundry, talked on the phone with a few friends for hours... literally, some house keeping, some new house browsing, and now my mood is pensive (expressing or revealing thoughtfulness, usually marked by some sadness).
I miss you, Panthea. I'm pretty sure that I still love you. It's not sex, I've had enough of that since you left. It's not companionship, I've had as much as I want since you left. It's you. I miss my life with you. I'm not depressed as much as I'm lost. So much has happened in 6 years, so much has happened this year, so many things are finally in line and I feel like I'm only partially enjoying it because I wish you were here to experience them with me.
I doubt you're coming back. It scares me to write this because I don't want to lose all contact. There is no need to run away. I don't get my hopes up when you respond to my e-mails. I understand that I'm the one reaching out to you, it's not the other way around. You put an exclamation point on that when you would rather have gone to a midnight yoga class on new years than ask me to spend time with you. I don't take your new life for granted. I'm sure it's enough to keep you satisfied. It had better be because it's all that keeps me from hoping we'll find each other again some day. Please be better off now. Please be happier. Please be content and on the path to everything you've ever dreamed. It helps me move on.
I needed to write this. I'm going to need to write a lot of things this year. There is a lot going on. 90 meetings in 90 Days. We should give everything 90 days... seasons change and so can we.
I just cried my eyes out. Sometimes it's good to cry. The release of emotions helps to lessen them. The lyrics of this song don't apply as much as "Don't you remember", but I'm not really asking for that. I just wanted her to know that she's missed. Please don't run away, Pon. My head knows what's up... I'm just waiting for my heart to catch on. In the mean time...
We're all free now (Thanks, God lol). It's our choice not to let go... and be dragged. If you don't pick "it" up then we can't get high... rinse and repeat.
Thanks to everyone who shared tonight. It's amazing what others can see that we don't see ourselves. Whatever I've overcome this year, whatever growth you may see, please know that it would never have happened with out each of you. We don't have to work a perfect program... believe me, most of you know I'm guilty of doing damage to myself and others while clean... what we have to do is identify the problem and ask for help. We never have to go through any of this again. Whatever we're struggling with, if we don't pick it up then we can't get "high." I understand how difficult the emotions can be, we may think that we know ourselves so well... that we have all the information necessary to identify and manage our emotions... we don't. I finally see what someone tried to tell me years ago. I can't do this on my own. No one can. Thanks for your love. It has carried me through.
More pictures to come, this is only 1/3 of the table. I'm poking Adam in the back with my penis :)
Why is that after all this time, I still hold out hope that she might be here when I get home? That when I walk through the door I'll see tiny shoes on the floor? The rhyme wasn't intentional.
Well, there it is... the new tax bill is in place. I mentioned in an earlier blog post that I'd be willing to pay higher taxes and I meant it. Tack on a few points for 20 years and use it to pay down the deficit and I'd be all for it. Most of the increases don't directly affect my take home pay in any significant way right now, but the reasons for the higher taxes on people who make more than I do just don't sit well with me. The government can't pay for everything it is trying to do for us so they need more money. Why is it that the government is allowed to pass legislation with out having the money to pay for it? I can't do that. I can't decide that I'm going to hire more people or pay everyone more money in the hopes that I'll have the sales to cover the cost. First you increase sales and with the added revenue you grow the business. None of us can buy larger homes and hope that we can work more hours to pay the added mortgage and utility bills. First we get the raise or the second job, then we increase our expenses. There were no spending cuts in the Bill that was just passed. None. Zero. That's not right. Basically, taxes went up in certain areas and all the money has already been spent. There is no surplus. There is no debt reduction. Where is the benefit to those being taxed or to any of us by doing this? The national debt is still growing by billions every day. This hurts all of us when we borrow money for homes, to pay for school, to run a line of credit to buy inventory, put things on our credit cards, etc. The new tax bill generates $600+ billion in new revenue (over 10 years)... Horray! It doesn't do a thing to stop the downward cycle of dependance that we have on others to take care of us. Booo! That's the bottom line, isn't it? We all want to stand on our own 2 feet and be accountable... don't we?... well, shouldn't we?
By the way, remember a few months back when I posted the image of the national debt? Well it's gone up over $300 billion since I posted that image. It's time we all take our heads out of the... sand.
How do we remain vigilant about our recovery? First, by realizing that we have a disease we will always have. No matter how long we’ve been clean, no matter how much better our lives have become, no matter what the extent of our spiritual healing, we are still addicts. Our disease waits patiently, ready to spring the trap if we give it the opportunity.
Vigilance is daily accomplishment. We strive to be constantly alert and ready to deal with signs of trouble. Not that we should live in irrational fear that something horrible will possess us if we drop our guard for an instant; we just take normal precautions. Daily prayer, regular meeting attendance, and choosing not to compromise spiritual principles for the easier way are acts of vigilance. We take inventory as necessary, share with others whenever we are asked, and carefully nurture our recovery. Above all, we stay aware!
We have a daily reprieve from our addiction as long as we remain vigilant. Each day, we carry the principles of recovery into all we do, and each night, we thank our Higher Power for another day clean.
Just for today: I will be vigilant, doing everything necessary to guard my recovery.
