Love - Just for today

Love is like an elixir for some of us.  The excitement of a new lover, the intrigue of exploring intimacy, the sense of release we get from allowing ourselves to become vulnerable—these are all powerful emotions.  But we can’t forget that we have only a daily reprieve from our addiction.  Holding onto this daily reprieve must be the top priority in any recovering addict’s life.

We can become too involved in our relationship.  We can neglect old friends and our sponsor in the process. Then, when things get difficult, we often feel that we can no longer reach out to those who helped us prior to our romantic involvement.  This belief can lay the groundwork for a relapse.  By consistently working our program and attending meetings, we ensure that we have a network of recovery, even when we’re deep in a romance.

Our desire to be romantically involved is natural.  But we mustn’t forget that, without our program, even the healthiest relationship will not guard us against the strength of our addiction.

Short and sweet

You may not realize it when it happens, but a kick in the teeth may be the best thing for you - Walt Disney

In 3 words I can sum up everything that I've learned about life: It goes on - Robert Frost

It's not up to you how you fall. It's up to you how far you let yourself fall and how long it takes you to get back up and stand on your two feet. - Sr. Tac Jeffrey Mitchell

They say that time changes things, but you actually have to change them yourself - Andy Warhol

I can't keep it up

... not that way, silly rabbit.

My spirits... I can't seem to keep them up. I feel overwhelmed a lot. It's like I'm either on vacation or I've got the weight of the world on my shoulders. My entire existence involves multi-tasking. I'm not exaggerating. My day is full of different tasks that pull me in various directions. I'm thrilled to ever finish anything to my satisfaction because there always seems to be more to do... additional things that get stacked on. I know it can't be this way forever... eventually I'm either going to finish enough stuff to relax (professionally, personally, emotionally) or I'm going to go on a rampage and wind up institutionalized for a few years of forced down time.

When you do more, you're capable of doing more. Is this a vicious circle or does it all even out eventually? I'm getting old. Have I started to late? Did I waste all the energy of my youth finding ways and means to get more or am I doing that now? Did I take the wrong fork in the road somewhere that I'm not aware of? I really don't think so. I've caught a cold. I'm stuffy and I'm whining. There was a time when I couldn't do or handle anything. I was so fragile that I broke at the slightest resistance. I have you and I have God to help me. Please don't let me fall.

Thanks for letting me share.

Careful what you ask for...

August-24th

Seeking God's will

“We learn to be careful of praying for specific things.”

Basic Text, p. 46

––––=––––

In our active addiction, we usually did not pray for knowledge of God’s will for us and the power to carry it out.  On the contrary, most of our prayers were for God to get us out of the mess we had made for ourselves.  We expected miracles on demand.  That kind of thinking and praying changes when we begin practicing the Eleventh Step.  The only way out of the trouble we have made for ourselves is through surrender to a Power greater than ourselves.

In recovery, we learn acceptance.  We seek knowledge in our prayers and meditation of how we are to greet the circumstances that come our way.  We stop fighting, surrender our own ideas of how things should be, ask for knowledge, and listen for the answers.  The answers usually won’t come in a flash of white light accompanied by a drum roll.  Usually, the answers will come merely with a quiet sense of assurance that our lives are on course, that a Power greater than ourselves is guiding us on our paths.

We have a choice.  We can spend all our time fighting to make things come out our way, or we can surrender to God’s will.  Peace can be found in accepting the ebb and flow of life.

––––=––––

Just for today:  I will surrender my expectations, look to my Higher Power for guidance, and accept life.

Oh yeah, I forgot...

You can be 100 miles down the road...
but still only 10 feet away from the ditch.

The majority of the problem lies within our belief system. 
I don’t go ruling my believing, my believing goes ruling me. 
I once heard it said that it takes six years for truth 
to travel the 18 inches from our head to our heart, 
but that it only takes 3 seconds to believe what we feel. 
What makes it more difficult is the fact that our feelings are always true. 
Our feelings may not accurately reflect the truth, 
but they are certainly true about what we believe. 
If our beliefs are true, then our feelings follow suit. 
On the other hand, if beliefs are false 
then our feelings will accurately reflect that belief, 
but not the truth. - R. Reynolds

Hmm... the secret to relationships?

 

Glad we cleared this up

What is a blog?

I read my blog and it's part journal and part random crap. It's unlikely that I can put together half of what I've written into a conversation. I look at past posts and see some growth... I've developed a longing for a better understanding of myself and how to live a life that I'm at peace with. Almost all of the change needs to be internal. When external things bother me then I need to make internal changes to rectify them. Sometimes it's relational... I need to improve my listening skills so I can understand another person better. Other times it's motivational... I need to work in an area of my life so that I can move to a different situation.

Relational stuff: Panthea. Listening to hurt isn't easy. It never was. Not just with her, but any time with my life. Let me make you laugh or look at the things you do wrong. It's so hard to stay in the moment and just listen. Not to try and rush past until the emotions calm down. My Uncle: allow him to be who he is and work around his flaws as he did mine for so many years. My family: there is love there. Each one of them has their own needs and concerns. Their wants needs desires etc are as important to them as mine are to me. I used to be believe that it was okay to be selfish. That selfish had a bad connotation. Self preservation is different than selfishness. Leaving a situation when someone is intentionally trying to hurt you is more than okay. Changing the subject or minimizing a situation when you have hurt another person is manipulation and that's not okay.

Motivational Stuff: If I don't like where I live or my car then I need to make some internal changes regarding how I'm willing to spend my time. What am I willing to do to change my financial situation? Work later? Second job? Get a better education? I didn't go back to school, but I learned enough about HTML to put together some basic coding and that started a new business that is my livelihood today. I don't code for a living, but my understanding and basic knowledge opened the door to a new opportunity. I built that opportunity into a business. My body: for a while I was running. Why? I wanted to change something about me (I actually still do). The time to work out was always there somehow, but I needed to set my mind to doing it.... that's an internal change for how I decided to spend my time.

How I relate with all things external is determined by what I decide to inside. I can't do it all alone. I ask my Higher Power for His grace. I understand that everything will not turn out the way that I expect, but it will be okay in the end because what I'm doing comes from a good place. A loving and caring God greater than myself wants good things for me and when I do good things then eventually I will receive good things. The rate of return is unknown. Keep the expectations in check and the gratitude high. Give thanks and accept praise from those who love you because it's progress. Eventually, I'll find myself in a place that even I can appreciate.

I love you LP.

A time to kill

 

He filed a plea of not guilty.

If I was related to this woman, I would pray for his release.

Revenge. A dish that tastes just as good warm as cold.

Failure

How often have you failed and felt you learned from it? I've read about this, but I've never had this experience myself. How many times should we fail before we start down a new road? How often do we stay on the path because what we know seems better than the unknown? I don't know where I made the wrong turn, but I do know that if I don't change my direction I'm going to wind up where I'm headed. God, please guide me back to the light. I long for the peace I feel when I'm blessed with knowing your grace.

We have much in common

Don't forget to smile.

I find it hilarious

You find it offensive.

I find it hilarious.

That's why I'm happier than you.

I miss you Gramps

A good friend of mine lost his Grandma to old age recently. It's a tough thing to lose someone who's been in your life that long. Aunt's and Uncle's love you, but I think Grandparents have a special place for us in their hearts. My Grandfather passed away a few years ago and he has had almost as much influence over me as my Father. He taught me the joy of laughter... how laughter brings people together. I love him for many reasons, but his sense of humor and love of laughter really stands out.

As I got older, I became more serious. He would call me at work and I was busy so I'd tell him that I couldn't talk. A day before he passed away, he called me in the office and I blew him off... promising to call him back. I didn't call him back and he passed away the next day. There's no cause and effect there, but I still wish I got to hear his laugh one last time.

I love you, Gramps.

Deeper Thoughts

Deep Thoughts

Congratulations, LP!

It's official. LP got her master's degree. Woop woop!

So proud of you, baby. Thank you for letting me share the experience with you.

I listen, but do I learn

So many things have come up to light the last few months that it's difficult to keep track. The parallel between NA meetings and the online course that I'm taking about healing my relationship with LP is amazing. Step work and course work both lay out a path for a new way to live. As I learn more about others in these programs I see them struggling with situations that are identical to those laid out in the work. I see them struggle and most fail... then again failure is usually the more obvious than success and as human beings we tend to fret over what we're having trouble with rather than focus on our successes. As I see these people struggle and stumble I wonder if I do the same. I try to speak out and give encouragement and direction, but am I capable of taking my own advice. I think I've been doing a better job of this lately. I'm grateful for the new experiences that have been opening up my awareness to the way I deal with life. I hope to improve and and create a lasting change in how I react in uncomfortable situations. I've been listening for a long time. I would like to constantly apply this information day to day. It's time to grow. I really want a new way to live.

Je t'aime, mon coeur.

Commitment

"Be like a postage stamp. Stick to one thing until you get there." Josh Billings

Do one thing at a time.The journey begins with the first step: first things first. Many statements support the conviction that achievement and success come from a solid commitment, staying focused. In recovery from addiction many people have been helped by a 12-step program.And it is emphasized that you do the program one step at a time, following the order in which the steps are written! The enemy of the Say Yes to Your Spirit philosophy is chaos-doing things higgledy-piggledy, not being focused. Staying with the analogy of dance, it's important to know the steps and suggested glides. Otherwise you and your partner can find yourselves in a horrible heap on the floor. Nasty!

 Nasty?! I dunno about that. I wouldn't mind being in a heap on the floor with, LP :)

You're suspect

The world is a strange place.

I've gotten phone calls from a blocked number that turned out to be a woman I haven't spoken to in months. This turned my love's heart into knots. I'm still not very good at helping PB heal although I wish I was.

My friend Rob called me at work from his ex-girlfriend's phone. It's obvious to me that he's using. I've asked him outright, but he denies it. It's obvious, bro. We all know.

My friend Dave, who is actively using, has been texting me from random numbers asking for money.

I wanted to buy AMD in January... my friend who invests other people's money for a living told me it's a bad idea. I think it's up like 60%. Sigh

I wanted to buy AAMC in January... my father advised me against it. There's only 400,000 outstanding shares. You'll never sell it if it goes down. Blah, blah, blah... it's up over 100% since then.

You're all suspect!

Anyway, how could "we" know what to do and still not follow through. Don't cheat. Don't use. Do what you think is right! I don't know why we refuse to follow through on the information we're given when it's right in front of our faces. Time doesn't heal all wounds. My little PB will never forget the tears and the pain. She may love me in spite of the past pain, but it will never cease being a part of her life. I will never get back the time I lost being a part of her life and she mine. My friends will never get back the time they are throwing away by using... they could also die (just in case anyone forgot that addicts die from using). I will never get back the returns I could have realized if I'd gone ahead with my gut.... which is getting bigger. I must start running again. Maybe I'll go home and walk / jog tonight. I don't know what my friggin problem is with exercising again...

The end :(

Thank you for this weekend

“This is our road to spiritual growth.”

Basic Text, p. 37

––––=––––

When we arrived at our first NA meeting, it looked like the end of the road to many of us. We weren’t going to be able to use anymore. We were spiritually bankrupt. Most of us were totally isolated and didn’t think we had much to live for. Little did we realize that, as we began our program of recovery, we were stepping onto a road of unlimited possibilities.

At first, just not using was tough enough. Yet, as we watched other addicts working the steps and applying those principles in their lives, we began to see that recovery was more than just not using. The lives of our NA friends had changed. They had a relationship with the God of their understanding. They were responsible members of the fellowship and of society. They had a reason to live. We began to believe these things were possible for us, too.

As we continue our recovery journey, we can get sidetracked by complacency, intolerance, or dishonesty. When we do, we need to recognize the signs quickly and get back on our path—the open road to freedom and growth.

––––=––––

Just for today: I am continuing to develop my spiritual, social, and general living skills by applying the principles of my program. I can travel as far as I wish on the open road of recovery.

It never occured to me

It never even occurred to me to try something like this. I'll let you know how it turns out ;)

I can relate

I'm sure something similar has happened to me. I don't even own a toaster.

My mistake - this is the worst song ever

 

We just having fun... hahaha

Don't slip

“We must use what we learn or we will lose it, no matter how long we have been clean.”

Basic Text, p. 85

––––=––––

After putting some clean time together, some of us have a tendency to forget what our most important priority is. Once a week or less we say, “I’ve gotta get to a meeting tonight. It’s been...” We’ve been caught up in other things, important for sure, but no more so than our continued participation in Narcotics Anonymous.

It happens gradually. We get jobs. We reunite with our families. We’re raising children, the dog is sick, or we’re going to school at night. The house needs to be cleaned. The lawn needs to be mowed. We have to work late. We’re tired. There’s a good show at the theater tonight. And all of a sudden, we notice that we haven’t called our sponsor, been to a meeting, spoken to a newcomer, or even talked to God in quite a while.

What do we do at this point? Well, we either renew our commitment to our recovery, or we continue being too busy to recover until something happens and our lives become unmanageable. Quite a choice! Our best bet is to put more of our energy into maintaining the foundation of recovery on which our lives are built. That foundation makes everything else possible, and it will surely crumble if we get too busy with everything else.

––––=––––

Just for today: I can’t afford to be too busy to recover. I will do something today that sustains my recovery.

 

This could be one of the worst songs ever... lol

Customer Service

I'm terrible at customer service. Well, let me rephrase that... if I'm in a bad mood it is reflected in my work. Today, I was in a bad mood. I tried everything I could to salvage the day. I spoke to people, got in on a few jokes, read inspiration shit, etc... nothing worked. I'm mad. Not just down, I'm actually mad.

Now what? How do I adjust this mood? I have no fucking idea. What I do know is that God help the mother fucker who cuts me off in traffic to or from the meeting tonight. Seriously, I'm a fuckin' menace to society right now.

Wrong pipe

I just choked on a piece of chicken from my salad. Thankfully, I didn't die.

I printed a few copies of the heimlich maneuver and taped them around the office. Hey, ya' neva' know

Tears

No more tears because...

... as a mate, I am not your equal anymore.

... today did not warrant your reaction.

May God bless you in your struggles. You will be in my prayers.

-Tom (the drug addict - cheater)

For those who are new to this blog:

I'm an addict. I can say that I'm an addict to remind myself of what I've done and where I could find myself again if I lose focus. I have not had a drink or a drug 75+ months. No one will ever have reason to call me a drug addict again.

I'm a cheater. 19+ months ago my ex-fiance found out that I cheated on her over the course of our entire relationship. No one will ever have cause to call me a cheater again.

Meme merde

And then all of a sudden...

 

Actually, it was more like...

Oh it burns

Enough Already!!

I hate being sick. It's been over a week. I've infected the entire office and LP!

Sorry LP

ARGGG! I wanna' do the Harlem Shake!

Thanks to everyone who made it happen

Thanks, guys!

I love LP and the Harlem Shake

Trust your struggle

There is a lot going on right now. I'm sick so that isn't helping. I've taken a break from certain parts of my life to focus on others. Not so much a break than as in not putting much effort into things. I often wonder how people do it "all." Then I realize that no one does it all. What they do well is what they put their effort into. The rest of their lives aren't the same as mine. Our lives are unique in certain respects. I have a business to run, customers to cater to, meetings to attend, phone calls to return, stuff to buy, a fish to keep alive, employees to coddle, parents to keep an eye on, a lovely young woman in my life to build a relationship with, relationship articles to read, a house to buy, a car stereo system to tweak (well, more like fix now),low carbing to get back to, running to begin again (last time I ran I was not feeling well), step work to continue, praying to do, thanks to give, relationships to mend, integrity to prove... the list is actually much longer, but you get the idea. No one can do all of this well, but we should try to anyway. I think we always suffer when we look back on the opportunities that slipped past without taking a shot.

 Panthea and I went away this weekend (long weekend Thursday - Sunday). Overall we had a great time. I was sick when we left and got progressively worse. By Saturday afternoon all I wanted to do was sleep and try to IV OTC cold medicine. If I was home, I would have drank soup and bought every cold and flu drug known to man. We were away so I did my best not to ruin the weekend. Why? Why couldn't I just say that I really felt sick and didn't want to do anything? Was it the money we spent on the place? Was it the limited time we had together? Was it fear of disappointing her? I don't know. She didn't offer to just chill so there had to be some expectations. Then again, I wasn't puking or anything. I really didn't know what I was supposed to do. A piece of me was happy that we got out and saw the sites and another piece of me is upset about it. I went to work today and all I heard was, "You look like crap", "You should go home and rest", blah blah blah. I didn't stay home today because I've had 3 day weeks the last 2 weeks in a row! Not much of an example to the kids when it seems like I take off whenever I want. Anyway, the point is that I'm sick and I'm forced to step up now. This isn't just about me. I have obligations: to LP and the people who work for me as well as myself. Nothing good happens... yes, read that again... nothing GOOD happens when I let life pass by on it's own accord and choose the path of least resistance. Next time, if I feel this sick, I'll open my mouth, stay on the couch, hand her my car keys, and tell her to have a good afternoon exploring if I'm not up to it... I might stay home from work when I'm sick too, but I will not just throw in the towel and stop trying because everything isn't perfect. I will truly believe that what exists is temporary. In a good way and a bad way. If I stop putting in the effort at work our sales will slump and if I don't get off the couch when I'm in a new place I just might miss something really fun. Our lives are a journey. The end is death. Everyday is a new chapter. We experience these events and grow... and laugh and love and earn a new appreciation for the freedoms these opportunities allow to us. Well, that's it. No grand finale - I'm going to home to rest lol

Expectations

Don't have expectations.

Today was the culmination of 6 plus years in recovery and what I learned was that pride has no place in my life. I'm fucking crying right now and I know exactly why.

I'm comfortable feeling like a piece of shit. It's my norm. Lying, stealing, using people and places and things... it's been my life for years. I hate that part of me. Today I got a glimpse of pride. It lasted a few hours and then the sky fell. I tried my best to people please and make everything okay again. I wanted to feel at ease and peaceful and proud of myself, but that was not to be.

The reasons are my fault. I know they are. Every action has an equal and opposite reaction. I can't stop saying I'm sorry. I can't take a day, let alone a few hours, to admire my place in the universe. It's not my time yet. I knew I couldn't stop pushing forward, but sometimes I'm just desperate to rest. Knowing I can't, but expecting to proves to be devastating at times. So I cry. And I cry. And I cry.

::exhale::

Tomorrow I'll try again

LP

“Also, our inventories usually include material on relationships.”

Basic Text, p. 29

––––=––––

What an understatement this is! Especially in later recovery, entire inventories may focus on our relationships with others. Our lives have been filled with relationships with lovers, friends, parents, coworkers, children, and others with whom we come in contact. A look at these associations can tell us much about our essential character.


Often our inventories catalog the resentments that arise from our day-to-day interactions with others. We strive to look at our part in these frictions. Are we placing unrealistic expectations on other people? Do we impose our standards on others? Are we sometimes downright intolerant?


Often just the writing of our inventory will release some of the pressure that a troubled relationship can produce. But we must also share this inventory with another human being. That way, we get some needed perspective on our part in the problem and how we can work toward a solution.


The inventory is a tool that allows us to begin healing our relationships. We learn that today, with the help of an inventory, we can start to enjoy our relationships with others.

––––=––––

Just for today: I will inventory the part I play in my relationships. I will seek to play a richer, more responsible part in those relationships.

We just can't win

I can relate, bro. "We" all can ;)

I am dancing in the light

Spirituality speaks to character. What kind of people are we? What is it that we want to do with our lives? How do we come across to other people? Hypocrisy is the enemy of true freedom. It is most definitely the enemy of spirituality and the molding of a healthy character. Our experience shows that spirituality involves bringing our lives into the light where things can be seen. Can we dance in the dark? Yes, but dangerously! It is much better to see where we are going. It is much better for our partners to see where they are going. Spiritual character is attracted to the light... and 13:03 miles, son!

Times are a changing

A few things of note:

I haven't had a real cigarette in over a year. Thumbs up to e-cigs.

I've lost 35 pounds in 2 months (1/07/13 - 3/08/13)

I ran 3 miles yesterday at a pace of 13:19 per mile

Host gator internet hosting blows for anything other than internet hosting. I hate you host gator.

Tonight Rob is going to his first meeting since his relapse. I've missed him.

Panthea is an amazing woman. Her love for me becomes more apparent each time we talk... for 5 hours or until the sun comes up :)

Lead me home

I need you to lead me home... please. I'm so tired. I can't do this on my own. Please, help me.

Now that's gay

Hilarious - My favorites are in blue

You are so gay, when you fill out forms, and it asks for ethnicity, you put Faggot.
You are so gay, when they asked you for a sperm sample, you farted into a cup.
You are so gay, when you were born the doctor spanked you, so you sucked his dick.
You are so gay, your butt hole has it’s own butt hole.
You are so gay, you give monkeys aids.
You are so gay, when you have sex, the monkey asks to wear a condom.
You are so gay, anytime you walk down the street, its considered a gay pride parade.
You are so gay, you can only wear super pink, the gayest color in the universe.
You are so gay, that you are too gay to work at Abercrombie.
You are so gay, you have to brush your teeth with sperm remover.
You are so gay, you sneak your underage friends into gay bars by hiding them in your asshole.
You are so gay, you can’t even get married in Hawaii.
You are so gay, you can take so many dicks in your asshole at one time that you look like a peacock.
You are so gay, your tears are made of sperm.
You are so gay, your blood type is AIDS.
You are so gay, on your license under sex it says anal.

Deep thoughts

This is why raising the minimum wage won't change anything

The idea that it's okay to give shit away that doesn't belong to you and that it's okay to take it shows me just where we are as a society. Horray for free shit... yeah, it's free ::rolls eyes::

The early bird gets the worm

I'm upstate at a retreat. The whole thing is regimented. Food is served for 30 min 3 times per day. Breakfast is at 7:30. Sigh. By 8 you can't even get a cup of coffee. These monks don't play... just pray ::rimshot::

Good one

This is definitely something my friends and I would do to each other.

Not enough

I've spent the last 3 hours looking for a song that could express what you mean to me. I looked through a hundred songs or so... love song lists, emo love songs, country love songs, classic love songs, wedding love songs... so many words, but none were mine. I'm not going to stop looking, but for now Baby this is for you, Pon.

Steady

The last 2 times that I ran I've averaged about 13:45 miles for 3 miles. Speaking with someone about this I guess I need to clear up the fact that I don't run the entire time. To get that pace I walk for 3 minutes then I jog (it feels like running to me) at 5.2 MPH for about 2 minutes. This goes on until I've covered the 3 miles. After the 3rd mile I walk for a mile or so as a cool down. I've been covering a total of about 4.25 miles in total lately. While breaking 14 minutes per mile is encouraging it's really not that big of a deal in the running world... neither is 3 miles for that matter.

When I started running my obstacle was definitely leg strength. I wasn't winded running 15.9999 minute miles, but I was stumbling all over the treadmill trying to get my legs to move faster. Now that I'm down to under 14 minutes not only am I still stumbling around, but I feel like my lungs are going to blow out of my chest :) I don't know how long it's going to take me to get under 12 minutes, but it's highly unlikely that it will take another 2 weeks.

I've been trying to use conservative couch to 5K and I've been able to keep pace. I'm up to Month 3 week 3. For the next 2 weeks, I will maintain the pace of 18 walking minutes and 12 running minutes per 30 minute interval. After that I'm actually slowing down from the pace set in the website.  Rather then start month 4 as the program dictates I'm going to do the following:

Week 1 - maintain the walking of 18 minutes, but increase the running to 15 minutes (3 min walk / 2.5 min run)
Week 2 - drop the walking to 15 minutes and maintain the running of 15 minutes. (2.5 min walk / 2.5 min run)
Week 3 -  bring the walking back up to 18 minutes, but increase the running to 18 minutes as well. (3 min walk / 3 min run)
Week 4 -  drop the walking to 15 minutes and maintain the running at 18 minutes as well. (2.5 min walk / 3 min run)

Time will tell ;)

Shocking

I have a stalker

Her name is Wendy.

She thinks I have dirty secrets from Panthea.

I don't.

Do whatever you wish, Wendy.

I don't know how you found this blog, but that doesn't matter. The time has come for you to go away. I'll be changing my number because of this. Enjoy your life.

THERE ARE NO MORE SECRETS FROM PANTHEA.

Madame Tussauds wax museum

Spent the day with LP in NYC. Good times (pics below)! Woop

I find it hard to believe that they are this tall

Getting faster

I started walking / trying to jog on January 7th, 2013. I was walking about 3.5 miles in 60 minutes or so. On Feb 2, 2013 I posted a picture showing my improvement - I did 3 miles at a pace of 15.52 per mile. Last night I was able to complete the 3 miles at a pace of 14:20 per mile. I'm not a runner by any stretch of the imagination... yet. I know people who run 5+ miles 4 times a week. I wouldn't want to walk 5 miles, let alone run that far. Anyway, my goal is to actually reach a jogging pace. From what I've read, a person needs to average 12 minute miles to be considered a jogging pace and under 10 minute miles to be running. My next goal is to break 14 minutes. I don't think I'll be able to do that this week, but I hope to match my 14:20 this Saturday. Maybe with more sleep (for better recovery between workouts) I'll be able to break 14 minutes next week. Fingers (toes?) crossed.

I've kind of stalled out on my weight loss around 30 pounds. I'm not sure why that is, but I know if I keep running and eating low carb things will continue to improve. Eventually my belly will be a stomach rather than a belly. On a positive note, my fat clothes fit really well now ;)

#throwbackthursday

The make-up is photoshopped by someone in my office... the hair is not.

This picture is a few years old.

I recently hired this guy lol

Happy Birthday, Kurt.

To Boddah

Speaking from the tongue of an experienced simpleton who obviously would rather be an emasculated, infantile complain-ee. This note should be pretty easy to understand.

All the warnings from the punk rock 101 courses over the years, since my first introduction to the, shall we say, ethics involved with independence and the embracement of your community has proven to be very true. I haven't felt the excitement of listening to as well as creating music along with reading and writing for too many years now. I feel guity beyond words about these things.

For example when we're back stage and the lights go out and the manic roar of the crowds begins., it doesn't affect me the way in which it did for Freddie Mercury, who seemed to love, relish in the the love and adoration from the crowd which is something I totally admire and envy. The fact is, I can't fool you, any one of you. It simply isn't fair to you or me. The worst crime I can think of would be to rip people off by faking it and pretending as if I'm having 100% fun. Sometimes I feel as if I should have a punch-in time clock before I walk out on stage. I've tried everything within my power to appreciate it (and I do,God, believe me I do, but it's not enough). I appreciate the fact that I and we have affected and entertained a lot of people. It must be one of those narcissists who only appreciate things when they're gone. I'm too sensitive. I need to be slightly numb in order to regain the enthusiasms I once had as a child.

On our last 3 tours, I've had a much better appreciation for all the people I've known personally, and as fans of our music, but I still can't get over the frustration, the guilt and empathy I have for everyone. There's good in all of us and I think I simply love people too much, so much that it makes me feel too fucking sad. The sad little, sensitive, unappreciative, Pisces, Jesus man. Why don't you just enjoy it? I don't know!

I have a goddess of a wife who sweats ambition and empathy and a daughter who reminds me too much of what i used to be, full of love and joy, kissing every person she meets because everyone is good and will do her no harm. And that terrifies me to the point to where I can barely function. I can't stand the thought of Frances becoming the miserable, self-destructive, death rocker that I've become.

I have it good, very good, and I'm grateful, but since the age of seven, I've become hateful towards all humans in general. Only because it seems so easy for people to get along that have empathy. Only because I love and feel sorry for people too much I guess.

Thank you all from the pit of my burning, nauseous stomach for your letters and concern during the past years. I'm too much of an erratic, moody baby! I don't have the passion anymore, and so remember, it's better to burn out than to fade away.

Peace, love, empathy.
Kurt Cobain 

Frances and Courtney, I'll be at your alter.
Please keep going Courtney, for Frances.
For her life, which will be so much happier without me.


I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU! 

I'm pretty sure that I've read this before. So many things strike me as sad. So many conflicts. He knows he should feel better about his life, but he can't. He makes people happy, but he's not happy with himself. Writing and playing the music don't do for him what they did in the past. Even listening to the music he once loved doesn't free him from the sadness. Always so sad. He tried to be happy. He pretended to be happy (fake it until you make it), but he just couldn't stand it anymore. The shame of it all is that "it" was his current life. Nirvana could have stopped playing music. They (Kurt, Frances, and Courtney) could have moved to Norway or something and grown coffee beans for the next 60 years while he wrote down his thoughts and figured out his next move. The problem wasn't with him, it's how he felt about his life. He could have changed his life instead of ending it. RIP.

 

I will never bother you
I will never promise to
I will never follow you
I will never bother you

Never speak a word again
I will crawl away for good
I will move away from here
You won't be afraid of fear

No thought was put into this
I always knew it would come to this
Things have never been so swell
I have never failed to fail

PAIN (x3)
YOU KNOW YOU'RE RIGHT (x3)

It's so warm and calm inside
I no longer have to hide
Lets talk about something else
Steaming soup against her mouth

Nothing ever bothers her
She just wants to love herself
I will move away from here
You won't be afraid of fear

No thought was put into this
I always knew it would come to this
Things have never been so swell
I have never failed to fail

PAIN (x3)
YOU KNOW YOU'RE RIGHT (x3)

 

Don't stop

“The only thing that I see that is distinctly different about me is I'm not afraid to die on a treadmill. I will not be out-worked, period. You might have more talent than me, you might be smarter than me, you might be sexier than me, you might be all of those things... you got it on me in nine categories. But if we get on the treadmill together, there's two things: You're getting off first, or I'm going to die. It's really that simple, right?

You're not going to out-work me. It's such a simple, basic concept. The guy who is willing to hustle the most is going to be the guy that just gets that loose ball. The majority of people who aren't getting the places they want or aren't achieving the things that they want in this business is strictly based on hustle. It's strictly based on being out-worked; it's strictly based on missing crucial opportunities. I say all the time... if you stay ready, you ain't gotta get ready.” - Will Smith

“Through our inability to accept personal responsibilities, we were actually creating our own problems.”

Basic Text, p. 13

––––=––––

When we refuse to take responsibility for our lives, we give away all of our personal power. We need to remember that we are powerless over our addiction, not our personal behavior.

Many of us have misused the concept of powerlessness to avoid making decisions or to hold onto things we had outgrown. We have claimed powerlessness over our own actions. We have blamed others for our circumstances rather than taking positive action to change those circumstances. If we continue to avoid responsibility by claiming that we are “powerless,” we set ourselves up for the same despair and misery we experienced in our active addiction. The potential for spending our recovery years feeling like victims is very real.

Instead of living our lives by default, we can learn how to make responsible choices and take risks. We may make mistakes, but we can learn from these mistakes. A heightened awareness of ourselves and an increased willingness to accept personal responsibility gives us the freedom to change, to make choices, and to grow.

––––=––––

Just for today: My feelings, actions, and choices are mine. I will accept responsibility for them.

The only way to change is for us to make it happen. 

3 miles at 14:50 per mile. Running is a process, just like recovery. We can see the results as we continue to work a program. Others may run faster or longer, but our only competition is yesterday. Work hard, make today better than yesterday and the coming days, weeks, months will be different than yesterday. Never give up on yourself. God has you. The miracle for us all is only a day away. You can do it. The message is hope and the promise is freedom. Throw off your burdens and choose to live.

P.S. taking those 10 seconds off each mile almost killed me lol

BBC

I wish I was this clever.

P.S. Big Black Cake = BBC. Get your mind out of the gutter ;)

Runs in the family

Being the cool kid runs in my family...

LP, you inspire me

I don't have boobs so it's easier for me. I may be chubby, but I don't have man boobs either ;)

14 and change

3 miles under 45 min. My knee is a-okay!

It's okay to be uncomfortable

Some days just aren’t the way we wish they would be. Our problems may be as simple as a broken shoelace or having to stand in line at the supermarket. Or we may experience something far more serious, such as the loss of a job, a home, or a loved one. Either way, we often end up looking for a way to avoid our feelings instead of simply acknowledging that those feelings are painful.

No one promises us that everything will go our way when we stop using. In fact, we can be sure that life will go on whether we’re using or not. We will face good days and bad days, comfortable feelings and painful feelings. But we don’t have to run from any of them any longer.

We can experience pain, grief, sadness, anger, frustration—all those feelings we once avoided with drugs. We find that we can get through those emotions clean. We won’t die and the world won’t come to an end just because we have uncomfortable feelings. We learn to trust that we can survive what each day brings.

There's no need to panic ;) God's got us.

Comfort Zone

I'm out of my comfort zone right now.

Panthea and I spoke on Monday. It's the first time I've heard her voice in 5 months. We discussed the feelings that we still have for each other. She said things that floored me. Things that she hasn't told me in over a year and a half. I didn't actually know how to respond to some of what she said because I almost didn't believe it. Like I said, I'm out of my comfort zone right now.

I've tried to be level headed about this so far. Feelings were put on the table leaving the question, "Now what?" A few days before we spoke, she sent me an e-mail outlining the anger she still carries around towards me. There are conflicted feelings warring inside her. We spoke about not wanting to be each other's fall back. I need to be the guy she wants to be with, not just the guy she's with for the moment. I hurt her very badly when I cheated. This will be the 3rd time she's tried to make it work with me since the initial break-up. I'm more than a little nervous about having her walk out of my life a 4th time. Like I said, I'm out of my comfort zone.

 We don't communicate well... either that or I'm retarded and didn't see the signs before the last break-up. I really thought we were getting along well last time. I even spoke to my friends about asking her to marry me again. I never told her that. She knows now... but in all honesty I can't half ass a relationship with, Panthea. We can be friends, but I don't know if I can date her. How do you date someone who you lived with for years? I understand that she's kind of feeling me out, but to what end? Am I over complicating this thing or what? I probably should have called Ray before writing this. Like I said, I'm out of my comfort zone.

I have some money saved and I've been looking at real houses with back yards and pools and stuff. Why buy a house with out a family to live in it? I don't need 3000+ square feet for me and Jon (my fish) and maybe a dog. I want something real and permanent and a pre-nup just in-case it's not permanent... no offense. I will not repeat the mistakes of my past and one of them is not asking the questions at some point about where we're going. I was very uncomfortable that she "hid" me from her parents last time and that's not going to happen again if this becomes more than phone calls and dinner. She's a good catch and so am I... about that, I am fully comfortable.

I know we're not going to be okay and a strong couple again tomorrow, but if we're not moving towards a partnership then we should just be moving on. I want to laugh and talk and eat yummy food and dance and see shows and go to AC and snuggle and take showers and swim in the ocean and see her graduate and have sex and support each other's careers and take vacations in Europe and have babies and decorate a house and say vows and do all that awesome stuff for as long as we both shall live. I want to do that with her, but it has to be all of that someday... about that, I am fully comfortable.

I could keep writing, but it's 7:15 and I have to go buy coffee and sugar and cups for the meeting. It's probably better if I stop now anyway. Like I said, I'm out of my comfort zone. I write this blog for me... to get out some stuff and try to figure out what the hell is going on when my shit's all jumbled up. I feel better and that's what I was going for in the first place.