Panthea and I spoke on Monday. It's the first time I've heard her voice in 5 months. We discussed the feelings that we still have for each other. She said things that floored me. Things that she hasn't told me in over a year and a half. I didn't actually know how to respond to some of what she said because I almost didn't believe it. Like I said, I'm out of my comfort zone right now.
I've tried to be level headed about this so far. Feelings were put on the table leaving the question, "Now what?" A few days before we spoke, she sent me an e-mail outlining the anger she still carries around towards me. There are conflicted feelings warring inside her. We spoke about not wanting to be each other's fall back. I need to be the guy she wants to be with, not just the guy she's with for the moment. I hurt her very badly when I cheated. This will be the 3rd time she's tried to make it work with me since the initial break-up. I'm more than a little nervous about having her walk out of my life a 4th time. Like I said, I'm out of my comfort zone.
We don't communicate well... either that or I'm retarded and didn't see the signs before the last break-up. I really thought we were getting along well last time. I even spoke to my friends about asking her to marry me again. I never told her that. She knows now... but in all honesty I can't half ass a relationship with, Panthea. We can be friends, but I don't know if I can date her. How do you date someone who you lived with for years? I understand that she's kind of feeling me out, but to what end? Am I over complicating this thing or what? I probably should have called Ray before writing this. Like I said, I'm out of my comfort zone.
I have some money saved and I've been looking at real houses with back yards and pools and stuff. Why buy a house with out a family to live in it? I don't need 3000+ square feet for me and Jon (my fish) and maybe a dog. I want something real and permanent and a pre-nup just in-case it's not permanent... no offense. I will not repeat the mistakes of my past and one of them is not asking the questions at some point about where we're going. I was very uncomfortable that she "hid" me from her parents last time and that's not going to happen again if this becomes more than phone calls and dinner. She's a good catch and so am I... about that, I am fully comfortable.
I know we're not going to be okay and a strong couple again tomorrow, but if we're not moving towards a partnership then we should just be moving on. I want to laugh and talk and eat yummy food and dance and see shows and go to AC and snuggle and take showers and swim in the ocean and see her graduate and have sex and support each other's careers and take vacations in Europe and have babies and decorate a house and say vows and do all that awesome stuff for as long as we both shall live. I want to do that with her, but it has to be all of that someday... about that, I am fully comfortable.
I could keep writing, but it's 7:15 and I have to go buy coffee and sugar and cups for the meeting. It's probably better if I stop now anyway. Like I said, I'm out of my comfort zone. I write this blog for me... to get out some stuff and try to figure out what the hell is going on when my shit's all jumbled up. I feel better and that's what I was going for in the first place.
