I've been communicating with Panthea (also known as L to the P, Pon, little feets, Pon Bon, baby, my favorite person in the world, and my ex-fiance due to my cheating) via e-mail on and off for the past few weeks. Nothing out of the norm... "How are you?", "Can I eat this on low carb?", "Running is killing my knees", etc... until last night. Last night she attempted to open up and give me a little piece of the pain that she carries around because of what I did to her and her life due to my cheating. She wasn't hurtful or spiteful. She was refreshingly honest with me. Unfortunately, as anyone who has done step work can attest, when any of us open a valve and allow out even a little bit of our pain it lingers. It doesn't just go away when the words stop being put to paper or cease coming out of our mouths. Most of us haven't talked about that pain in a long time and it's very uncomfortable. We get sad, confused, angry, etc. The same thing happened for her last night. I've read over her e-mail a dozen times and it leaves me feeling helpless. I called her immediately after she sent it last night, but got her voicemail. I typed back a ham-handed response this afternoon, but what good are my words? I'm the one who deceived her. I created the wreckage. What healing value could my words possibly have? Probably very little. She told me that I will never understand what my actions have done. I believe that to be the case only because she hasn't told me. She says that she doesn't want to hurt my feelings. Well, not telling me hurts us both more. I'm a big boy, I can take it. Knowing that she has pain locked up inside her from what I did makes me feel truly helpless.
Pon, I would like to know / listen, but you're the one who is going to have to say how you feel / felt / no longer feel. I've come to the realization that true freedom comes saying what's on your mind. The words don't have to be perfect. It's the act of sharing what you feel that is liberating. True strength and courage can only be found at the times we feel vulnerable. That's when you know what you're made of. Laying that shit out on the line is when the healing really takes place. Throw off your burdens, baby.
