I read my blog and it's part journal and part random crap. It's unlikely that I can put together half of what I've written into a conversation. I look at past posts and see some growth... I've developed a longing for a better understanding of myself and how to live a life that I'm at peace with. Almost all of the change needs to be internal. When external things bother me then I need to make internal changes to rectify them. Sometimes it's relational... I need to improve my listening skills so I can understand another person better. Other times it's motivational... I need to work in an area of my life so that I can move to a different situation.
Relational stuff: Panthea. Listening to hurt isn't easy. It never was. Not just with her, but any time with my life. Let me make you laugh or look at the things you do wrong. It's so hard to stay in the moment and just listen. Not to try and rush past until the emotions calm down. My Uncle: allow him to be who he is and work around his flaws as he did mine for so many years. My family: there is love there. Each one of them has their own needs and concerns. Their wants needs desires etc are as important to them as mine are to me. I used to be believe that it was okay to be selfish. That selfish had a bad connotation. Self preservation is different than selfishness. Leaving a situation when someone is intentionally trying to hurt you is more than okay. Changing the subject or minimizing a situation when you have hurt another person is manipulation and that's not okay.
Motivational Stuff: If I don't like where I live or my car then I need to make some internal changes regarding how I'm willing to spend my time. What am I willing to do to change my financial situation? Work later? Second job? Get a better education? I didn't go back to school, but I learned enough about HTML to put together some basic coding and that started a new business that is my livelihood today. I don't code for a living, but my understanding and basic knowledge opened the door to a new opportunity. I built that opportunity into a business. My body: for a while I was running. Why? I wanted to change something about me (I actually still do). The time to work out was always there somehow, but I needed to set my mind to doing it.... that's an internal change for how I decided to spend my time.
How I relate with all things external is determined by what I decide to inside. I can't do it all alone. I ask my Higher Power for His grace. I understand that everything will not turn out the way that I expect, but it will be okay in the end because what I'm doing comes from a good place. A loving and caring God greater than myself wants good things for me and when I do good things then eventually I will receive good things. The rate of return is unknown. Keep the expectations in check and the gratitude high. Give thanks and accept praise from those who love you because it's progress. Eventually, I'll find myself in a place that even I can appreciate.
I love you LP.
