Expectations

Don't have expectations.

Today was the culmination of 6 plus years in recovery and what I learned was that pride has no place in my life. I'm fucking crying right now and I know exactly why.

I'm comfortable feeling like a piece of shit. It's my norm. Lying, stealing, using people and places and things... it's been my life for years. I hate that part of me. Today I got a glimpse of pride. It lasted a few hours and then the sky fell. I tried my best to people please and make everything okay again. I wanted to feel at ease and peaceful and proud of myself, but that was not to be.

The reasons are my fault. I know they are. Every action has an equal and opposite reaction. I can't stop saying I'm sorry. I can't take a day, let alone a few hours, to admire my place in the universe. It's not my time yet. I knew I couldn't stop pushing forward, but sometimes I'm just desperate to rest. Knowing I can't, but expecting to proves to be devastating at times. So I cry. And I cry. And I cry.

::exhale::

Tomorrow I'll try again