Good one

This is definitely something my friends and I would do to each other.

Not enough

I've spent the last 3 hours looking for a song that could express what you mean to me. I looked through a hundred songs or so... love song lists, emo love songs, country love songs, classic love songs, wedding love songs... so many words, but none were mine. I'm not going to stop looking, but for now Baby this is for you, Pon.

Steady

The last 2 times that I ran I've averaged about 13:45 miles for 3 miles. Speaking with someone about this I guess I need to clear up the fact that I don't run the entire time. To get that pace I walk for 3 minutes then I jog (it feels like running to me) at 5.2 MPH for about 2 minutes. This goes on until I've covered the 3 miles. After the 3rd mile I walk for a mile or so as a cool down. I've been covering a total of about 4.25 miles in total lately. While breaking 14 minutes per mile is encouraging it's really not that big of a deal in the running world... neither is 3 miles for that matter.

When I started running my obstacle was definitely leg strength. I wasn't winded running 15.9999 minute miles, but I was stumbling all over the treadmill trying to get my legs to move faster. Now that I'm down to under 14 minutes not only am I still stumbling around, but I feel like my lungs are going to blow out of my chest :) I don't know how long it's going to take me to get under 12 minutes, but it's highly unlikely that it will take another 2 weeks.

I've been trying to use conservative couch to 5K and I've been able to keep pace. I'm up to Month 3 week 3. For the next 2 weeks, I will maintain the pace of 18 walking minutes and 12 running minutes per 30 minute interval. After that I'm actually slowing down from the pace set in the website.  Rather then start month 4 as the program dictates I'm going to do the following:

Week 1 - maintain the walking of 18 minutes, but increase the running to 15 minutes (3 min walk / 2.5 min run)
Week 2 - drop the walking to 15 minutes and maintain the running of 15 minutes. (2.5 min walk / 2.5 min run)
Week 3 -  bring the walking back up to 18 minutes, but increase the running to 18 minutes as well. (3 min walk / 3 min run)
Week 4 -  drop the walking to 15 minutes and maintain the running at 18 minutes as well. (2.5 min walk / 3 min run)

Time will tell ;)

Shocking

I have a stalker

Her name is Wendy.

She thinks I have dirty secrets from Panthea.

I don't.

Do whatever you wish, Wendy.

I don't know how you found this blog, but that doesn't matter. The time has come for you to go away. I'll be changing my number because of this. Enjoy your life.

THERE ARE NO MORE SECRETS FROM PANTHEA.

Madame Tussauds wax museum

Spent the day with LP in NYC. Good times (pics below)! Woop

I find it hard to believe that they are this tall

Getting faster

I started walking / trying to jog on January 7th, 2013. I was walking about 3.5 miles in 60 minutes or so. On Feb 2, 2013 I posted a picture showing my improvement - I did 3 miles at a pace of 15.52 per mile. Last night I was able to complete the 3 miles at a pace of 14:20 per mile. I'm not a runner by any stretch of the imagination... yet. I know people who run 5+ miles 4 times a week. I wouldn't want to walk 5 miles, let alone run that far. Anyway, my goal is to actually reach a jogging pace. From what I've read, a person needs to average 12 minute miles to be considered a jogging pace and under 10 minute miles to be running. My next goal is to break 14 minutes. I don't think I'll be able to do that this week, but I hope to match my 14:20 this Saturday. Maybe with more sleep (for better recovery between workouts) I'll be able to break 14 minutes next week. Fingers (toes?) crossed.

I've kind of stalled out on my weight loss around 30 pounds. I'm not sure why that is, but I know if I keep running and eating low carb things will continue to improve. Eventually my belly will be a stomach rather than a belly. On a positive note, my fat clothes fit really well now ;)

#throwbackthursday

The make-up is photoshopped by someone in my office... the hair is not.

This picture is a few years old.

I recently hired this guy lol

Happy Birthday, Kurt.

To Boddah

Speaking from the tongue of an experienced simpleton who obviously would rather be an emasculated, infantile complain-ee. This note should be pretty easy to understand.

All the warnings from the punk rock 101 courses over the years, since my first introduction to the, shall we say, ethics involved with independence and the embracement of your community has proven to be very true. I haven't felt the excitement of listening to as well as creating music along with reading and writing for too many years now. I feel guity beyond words about these things.

For example when we're back stage and the lights go out and the manic roar of the crowds begins., it doesn't affect me the way in which it did for Freddie Mercury, who seemed to love, relish in the the love and adoration from the crowd which is something I totally admire and envy. The fact is, I can't fool you, any one of you. It simply isn't fair to you or me. The worst crime I can think of would be to rip people off by faking it and pretending as if I'm having 100% fun. Sometimes I feel as if I should have a punch-in time clock before I walk out on stage. I've tried everything within my power to appreciate it (and I do,God, believe me I do, but it's not enough). I appreciate the fact that I and we have affected and entertained a lot of people. It must be one of those narcissists who only appreciate things when they're gone. I'm too sensitive. I need to be slightly numb in order to regain the enthusiasms I once had as a child.

On our last 3 tours, I've had a much better appreciation for all the people I've known personally, and as fans of our music, but I still can't get over the frustration, the guilt and empathy I have for everyone. There's good in all of us and I think I simply love people too much, so much that it makes me feel too fucking sad. The sad little, sensitive, unappreciative, Pisces, Jesus man. Why don't you just enjoy it? I don't know!

I have a goddess of a wife who sweats ambition and empathy and a daughter who reminds me too much of what i used to be, full of love and joy, kissing every person she meets because everyone is good and will do her no harm. And that terrifies me to the point to where I can barely function. I can't stand the thought of Frances becoming the miserable, self-destructive, death rocker that I've become.

I have it good, very good, and I'm grateful, but since the age of seven, I've become hateful towards all humans in general. Only because it seems so easy for people to get along that have empathy. Only because I love and feel sorry for people too much I guess.

Thank you all from the pit of my burning, nauseous stomach for your letters and concern during the past years. I'm too much of an erratic, moody baby! I don't have the passion anymore, and so remember, it's better to burn out than to fade away.

Peace, love, empathy.
Kurt Cobain 

Frances and Courtney, I'll be at your alter.
Please keep going Courtney, for Frances.
For her life, which will be so much happier without me.


I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU! 

I'm pretty sure that I've read this before. So many things strike me as sad. So many conflicts. He knows he should feel better about his life, but he can't. He makes people happy, but he's not happy with himself. Writing and playing the music don't do for him what they did in the past. Even listening to the music he once loved doesn't free him from the sadness. Always so sad. He tried to be happy. He pretended to be happy (fake it until you make it), but he just couldn't stand it anymore. The shame of it all is that "it" was his current life. Nirvana could have stopped playing music. They (Kurt, Frances, and Courtney) could have moved to Norway or something and grown coffee beans for the next 60 years while he wrote down his thoughts and figured out his next move. The problem wasn't with him, it's how he felt about his life. He could have changed his life instead of ending it. RIP.

 

I will never bother you
I will never promise to
I will never follow you
I will never bother you

Never speak a word again
I will crawl away for good
I will move away from here
You won't be afraid of fear

No thought was put into this
I always knew it would come to this
Things have never been so swell
I have never failed to fail

PAIN (x3)
YOU KNOW YOU'RE RIGHT (x3)

It's so warm and calm inside
I no longer have to hide
Lets talk about something else
Steaming soup against her mouth

Nothing ever bothers her
She just wants to love herself
I will move away from here
You won't be afraid of fear

No thought was put into this
I always knew it would come to this
Things have never been so swell
I have never failed to fail

PAIN (x3)
YOU KNOW YOU'RE RIGHT (x3)

 

Don't stop

“The only thing that I see that is distinctly different about me is I'm not afraid to die on a treadmill. I will not be out-worked, period. You might have more talent than me, you might be smarter than me, you might be sexier than me, you might be all of those things... you got it on me in nine categories. But if we get on the treadmill together, there's two things: You're getting off first, or I'm going to die. It's really that simple, right?

You're not going to out-work me. It's such a simple, basic concept. The guy who is willing to hustle the most is going to be the guy that just gets that loose ball. The majority of people who aren't getting the places they want or aren't achieving the things that they want in this business is strictly based on hustle. It's strictly based on being out-worked; it's strictly based on missing crucial opportunities. I say all the time... if you stay ready, you ain't gotta get ready.” - Will Smith

“Through our inability to accept personal responsibilities, we were actually creating our own problems.”

Basic Text, p. 13

––––=––––

When we refuse to take responsibility for our lives, we give away all of our personal power. We need to remember that we are powerless over our addiction, not our personal behavior.

Many of us have misused the concept of powerlessness to avoid making decisions or to hold onto things we had outgrown. We have claimed powerlessness over our own actions. We have blamed others for our circumstances rather than taking positive action to change those circumstances. If we continue to avoid responsibility by claiming that we are “powerless,” we set ourselves up for the same despair and misery we experienced in our active addiction. The potential for spending our recovery years feeling like victims is very real.

Instead of living our lives by default, we can learn how to make responsible choices and take risks. We may make mistakes, but we can learn from these mistakes. A heightened awareness of ourselves and an increased willingness to accept personal responsibility gives us the freedom to change, to make choices, and to grow.

––––=––––

Just for today: My feelings, actions, and choices are mine. I will accept responsibility for them.

The only way to change is for us to make it happen. 

3 miles at 14:50 per mile. Running is a process, just like recovery. We can see the results as we continue to work a program. Others may run faster or longer, but our only competition is yesterday. Work hard, make today better than yesterday and the coming days, weeks, months will be different than yesterday. Never give up on yourself. God has you. The miracle for us all is only a day away. You can do it. The message is hope and the promise is freedom. Throw off your burdens and choose to live.

P.S. taking those 10 seconds off each mile almost killed me lol

BBC

I wish I was this clever.

P.S. Big Black Cake = BBC. Get your mind out of the gutter ;)

Runs in the family

Being the cool kid runs in my family...

LP, you inspire me

I don't have boobs so it's easier for me. I may be chubby, but I don't have man boobs either ;)

14 and change

3 miles under 45 min. My knee is a-okay!

It's okay to be uncomfortable

Some days just aren’t the way we wish they would be. Our problems may be as simple as a broken shoelace or having to stand in line at the supermarket. Or we may experience something far more serious, such as the loss of a job, a home, or a loved one. Either way, we often end up looking for a way to avoid our feelings instead of simply acknowledging that those feelings are painful.

No one promises us that everything will go our way when we stop using. In fact, we can be sure that life will go on whether we’re using or not. We will face good days and bad days, comfortable feelings and painful feelings. But we don’t have to run from any of them any longer.

We can experience pain, grief, sadness, anger, frustration—all those feelings we once avoided with drugs. We find that we can get through those emotions clean. We won’t die and the world won’t come to an end just because we have uncomfortable feelings. We learn to trust that we can survive what each day brings.

There's no need to panic ;) God's got us.

Comfort Zone

I'm out of my comfort zone right now.

Panthea and I spoke on Monday. It's the first time I've heard her voice in 5 months. We discussed the feelings that we still have for each other. She said things that floored me. Things that she hasn't told me in over a year and a half. I didn't actually know how to respond to some of what she said because I almost didn't believe it. Like I said, I'm out of my comfort zone right now.

I've tried to be level headed about this so far. Feelings were put on the table leaving the question, "Now what?" A few days before we spoke, she sent me an e-mail outlining the anger she still carries around towards me. There are conflicted feelings warring inside her. We spoke about not wanting to be each other's fall back. I need to be the guy she wants to be with, not just the guy she's with for the moment. I hurt her very badly when I cheated. This will be the 3rd time she's tried to make it work with me since the initial break-up. I'm more than a little nervous about having her walk out of my life a 4th time. Like I said, I'm out of my comfort zone.

 We don't communicate well... either that or I'm retarded and didn't see the signs before the last break-up. I really thought we were getting along well last time. I even spoke to my friends about asking her to marry me again. I never told her that. She knows now... but in all honesty I can't half ass a relationship with, Panthea. We can be friends, but I don't know if I can date her. How do you date someone who you lived with for years? I understand that she's kind of feeling me out, but to what end? Am I over complicating this thing or what? I probably should have called Ray before writing this. Like I said, I'm out of my comfort zone.

I have some money saved and I've been looking at real houses with back yards and pools and stuff. Why buy a house with out a family to live in it? I don't need 3000+ square feet for me and Jon (my fish) and maybe a dog. I want something real and permanent and a pre-nup just in-case it's not permanent... no offense. I will not repeat the mistakes of my past and one of them is not asking the questions at some point about where we're going. I was very uncomfortable that she "hid" me from her parents last time and that's not going to happen again if this becomes more than phone calls and dinner. She's a good catch and so am I... about that, I am fully comfortable.

I know we're not going to be okay and a strong couple again tomorrow, but if we're not moving towards a partnership then we should just be moving on. I want to laugh and talk and eat yummy food and dance and see shows and go to AC and snuggle and take showers and swim in the ocean and see her graduate and have sex and support each other's careers and take vacations in Europe and have babies and decorate a house and say vows and do all that awesome stuff for as long as we both shall live. I want to do that with her, but it has to be all of that someday... about that, I am fully comfortable.

I could keep writing, but it's 7:15 and I have to go buy coffee and sugar and cups for the meeting. It's probably better if I stop now anyway. Like I said, I'm out of my comfort zone. I write this blog for me... to get out some stuff and try to figure out what the hell is going on when my shit's all jumbled up. I feel better and that's what I was going for in the first place.

More Nemo Storm Pics

Crazy stuff

Click the pic and look how deep the snow is on the lawn

Pep in my step

Thanks for the talk last night LP.

Note: slightly doctored image from explodingdog - teeth and hair added by me

Finally!

No more step work!! I'm cured. The first round is on me...

Aftermath of the snow storm (many pics!)

Okay guys... a picture is worth 1000 words so here ya' go. East of Deer Park Ave is like a different country!! My area got 30"+ of snow.

Stuck in the car all night? Ain't nobody got time for that!!

Outside my house

Daisy clone!

495 pile up

Sister's car before the dig out

After the dig out

Route 25 by the Smithhaven mall

83 near 495

Totals!! 30"+ where I live

Nemo ravages Long Island

Winter storm Nemo was set to drop some snow in the Northeast Friday night. We opened the meeting in Deer Park to carry the message and by the time it ended there was about 6 inches of snow on the ground. Not a huge deal a few people got stuck in the parking lot, but we got everyone out. Since it wasn't too bad, we decided to go to the dinner in Babylon because it was the only one open. These 2 things should have been an indication to me that it was time to go home, but I didn't. We finished up at the dinner about 11:30 and there was at least a foot of snow on the ground. 495 and 27 were already closed due to stuck cars. I could've (should've!) stayed with my friends, but instead I decided to go home. Here are some pics from my commute that night. It took me about 3 hours to go 20 some odd miles.

At the start of my journey home

495 at midnight

3AM snow fall

After driving for 3 hours in the storm!

The walk to my house!!

Funeral Donations

In a previous post I mentioned that a young man died suddenly from a heart condition. His parents are not in a position to pay for the funeral because this tragedy was so unexpected. Anyone willing to help can donate by going to http://www.gofundme.com/mattbelljr

Anything you can spare would be appreciated. A basic funeral (casket, transportation, plot) is over $10,000. They really need your help. $10 at a time will get them there if enough people chip in.

Thank you.

All done. 5 hours. That's amazing.

Identify. Don't compare.

"Terminal uniqueness aka personal exceptionalism makes it difficult for the addict to seek or accept help for his problems. Other people, those unlike 'him,' can and should receive help from others in overcoming their problems - but he, precisely because of who he is, can't obtain such help. To do so would be a serious threat to his entire system of uniqueness. Personal exceptionalism puts us in a difficult position because if we fail to live up to fulfilling these unrealistic expectations that we've created then we experience feelings of failure, shame, and humiliation. Worse still is that when this personal exceptionalism is threatened we feel those exact same feelings because we're faced with the realization  that we're exactly like everyone else. The feelings behind this personal exceptionalism may result in a grandiose and defiant false self that serves to protect us from the often intense underlying fear of inadequacy."

We identify with a speaker's feelings not the actual events of their story. We all get here different ways. If everyone's story was in the book then it's tremendous size would prevent anyone from carrying it around. We all can find the common ground of powerlessness and helplessness which brought us here with deep despair. The Basic Text puts it better than I ever could - "We had convinced ourselves that we could make it alone and proceeded to live life on that basis. The results were eventually disastrous and each of us had to admit that self-sufficiency was a lie."

You're not alone. Don't stop before the miracle happens.

This is not a test

Just for today -

"Some of us come into recovery with the impression that life’s hardships are a series of cosmic tests designed to teach us something. This belief is readily apparent when something traumatic happens and we wail, “My Higher Power is testing me!” We’re convinced that it’s a test of our recovery when someone offers us drugs, or a test of our character when faced with a situation where we could do something unprincipled without getting caught. We may even think it’s a test of our faith when we’re in great pain over a tragedy in our lives.

But a loving Higher Power doesn’t test our recovery, our character, or our faith. Life just happens, and sometimes it hurts. Many of us have lost love through no fault of our own. Some of us have lost all of our material wealth. A few of us have even grieved the loss of our own children. Life can be terribly painful at times, but the pain is not inflicted on us by our Higher Power. Rather, that Power is constantly by our sides, ready to carry us if we can’t walk by ourselves. There is no harm that life can do us that the God of our understanding can’t heal." 

This isn't a test. Life happens. My good friend's nephew died today. He was 18 years old. No drugs. No car accident. He had a congenital heart condition, passed out at work, and died on the way to the hospital. Sometimes there is no rhyme or reason why things happen. God doesn't test us. Life happens and sometimes it hurts. That statement is easier to say than to live. Sigh.

Make a donation for the funeral: http://www.gofundme.com/mattbelljr

Powerless

This is real talk so if you're looking for mindless stupidity then check back another time.
 
I've been communicating with Panthea (also known as L to the P, Pon, little feets, Pon Bon, baby, my favorite person in the world, and my ex-fiance due to my cheating) via e-mail on and off for the past few weeks. Nothing out of the norm... "How are you?", "Can I eat this on low carb?", "Running is killing my knees", etc... until last night. Last night she attempted to open up and give me a little piece of the pain that she carries around because of what I did to her and her life due to my cheating. She wasn't hurtful or spiteful. She was refreshingly honest with me. Unfortunately, as anyone who has done step work can attest, when any of us open a valve and allow out even a little bit of our pain it lingers. It doesn't just go away when the words stop being put to paper or cease coming out of our mouths. Most of us haven't talked about that pain in a long time and it's very uncomfortable. We get sad, confused, angry, etc. The same thing happened for her last night. I've read over her e-mail a dozen times and it leaves me feeling helpless. I called her immediately after she sent it last night, but got her voicemail. I typed back a ham-handed response this afternoon, but what good are my words? I'm the one who deceived her. I created the wreckage. What healing value could my words possibly have? Probably very little. She told me that I will never understand what my actions have done. I believe that to be the case only because she hasn't told me. She says that she doesn't want to hurt my feelings. Well, not telling me hurts us both more. I'm a big boy, I can take it. Knowing that she has pain locked up inside her from what I did makes me feel truly helpless.

Pon, I would like to know / listen, but you're the one who is going to have to say how you feel / felt / no longer feel. I've come to the realization that true freedom comes saying what's on your mind. The words don't have to be perfect. It's the act of sharing what you feel that is liberating. True strength and courage can only be found at the times we feel vulnerable. That's when you know what you're made of. Laying that shit out on the line is when the healing really takes place. Throw off your burdens, baby.

Miss you?

Pon, it's more than just missing you. Psh. ::shaking my head::

Little one, I ache for you.

Expressing your pain / anger doesn't hurt me. You don't need to have regard for my feelings when you unload your pain. If there is something that I don't understand then make it clear to me.

Panthea, you are my favorite person. If understanding exactly what I've done and then having you never communicate with me again is the extent of the amends that I can make then so be it.

I'm here when you're ready. I want to help. You deserve it. It's not enough, but it's all I can offer.

Speed bump

Well, last Saturday I broke a personal best and covered a distance of about 3.8 miles in 60 minutes. My knee bothered me pretty consistently, but no worse than it's ever been the last 4 weeks. I took it easy on my 2 off days hoping to repeat the performance today. Well, that didn't happen. I did a light stretch and a 1/2 mile on the elliptical as a warm up to get the blood flowing. I then did a more complete stretch thanks to some info that L to the P sent me. I hopped onto the treadmill and 2 miles later (35 min) I was in agony. I couldn't walk another step at any speed worth a damn so I stopped. I thought the problem was the impact of running, but the pain was greatest while lifting my leg not extending it. I jumped on the bike and clicked off 6 miles in 25 min. Zero pain. I worked out on the leg press machine. Zero pain. Walking around the gym? Very uncomfortable.

Looks like I'm going to be biking most of the time this week  :(  GRRRRRR!!!!!

I will continue going to the gym. My progress will slow down, but it will not stop.

The here and now

What do you want from life?

What's in the way?

The only thing we can't have is everything. Anything else that's missing is just for today. Take a minute to look at yourself and your life. What do you know? I'm flawed, but I am good enough. I've known God's grace and I've wandered away from It at times. I've laughed until tears ran down my cheeks and cried tears of sorrow. I've helped others to embrace life and hurt my favorite person enough that she needed to walk away from me. I've had success and failed terribly. When I look at where I am today it's as plain as day: I'm healthy and I'm loved. Examining this snap shot in time, my life is beautiful. Being where I am today is enough for today. I am content with the state of my world.

The extraordinary thing about tomorrow is that it's only limited by me. What I can do tomorrow is based on the effort I put into today. I have defects of character that hold me back, but I can unload these burdens. As much as I love my life today, the possibilities that exist for tomorrow are truly extraordinary. These burdens are not obstacles to be overcome, but opportunities to be seized. Pieces of my future are written today. Do the work and you will know the reward...

What do I want from life? To know the freedoms that moving past my burdens will bring. What's in the way? Just me.

The message is hope and the promise is freedom! Just for today get out of your way.

"Living in the moment offers freedom.  In this moment, we know that we are safe.  We are not using, and we have everything we need.  Whats more, life is happening in the here and now.  The past is gone and the future has yet to arrive; our worrying wont change any of it.  Today, we can enjoy our recovery, this very minute." - Written by someone I'd like to meet.

Hugz.

Pussy shit

A safety? Really?! I would have punched my brother in the face... if I had one. That was a bunch of bullshit.

Congrats to Ray Lewis and his teammates.

John Harbaugh can suck my dick.

Superbowl prediction

I love Ray Lewis, but if I was betting the game straight up I'd have to go with the 49ers.

San Francisco wins 30-21.

Did I mention I bought Facebook at $22.10 lol

Note to self # 2

The difference in heat between a jalapeno and habanero is like the difference between pink and fire engine red. Holy shit!

Marathon man

Clockin' off 15.999 minute miles, son lol

Go get it

 

Just watching this makes me want to not ever step foot into a gym again lol I'd have to hide when she walked in or die from the shame. The rope climb she does is almost effortless. Power to weight, she'd kick my ass all over the gym. Someday? I doubt it. Some goals are just ridiculous. I'll shoot for the clapping and handstand push ups.

Ambition

"God, may I always have ambition for those things that are good and true. It is not wrong to have ambition. It is not wrong to want to be somebody. The tragedy is that this has to be said! For too long, I played the tapes in my head that discouraged ambition and creative pride. I confused humility with timidity and self-abuse. I waited for things to happen, rather than making them happen for myself. Today I know I am a creature of God, created to create. God is at work in my life. I am part of God's miracle for the world."

3.5 miles in 59 minutes. A record for me!
My knees hurt, but it was worth it.