Tank you

“Gradually, as we become more God-centered than self-centered, our despair turns to hope.”

Basic Text, p. 95

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What a glorious thing to have hope!  Before coming to Narcotics Anonymous, many of us lived lives of utter hopelessness.  We believed we were destined to die from our disease.

Many members speak of being on a “pink cloud” their first months in the program.  We’ve stopped using, made some friends, and life looks promising.  Things are going great.  Then reality sets in.  Life is still life—we still lose jobs, our partners still leave us, friends still die, we still get sick.  Abstinence is no guarantee that life will always go our way.

When the reality of life on its own terms sets in, we turn to our Higher Power and remember that life happens the way life happens.  But no matter what occurs in our recovery we need not despair, for there is always hope.  That hope lies in our relationship with our Higher Power.

This relationship, as expressed by the thought in our text, develops over time:  “Gradually, we become more God-centered.”  As we rely more and more on the strength of our Higher Power, life’s struggles don’t have to drag us into the sea of despair.  As we focus more on God, we focus less on ourselves.

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Just for today:  I will rely on my Higher Power.  I will accept that, regardless of what happens, my Higher Power will provide me with the resources to live with it.

God, please hold my hand for the next weeks... I'm going to need you.

Edit:: I was tempted to write more than ever. No. It's not more than ever. When I was contemplating suicide that night back in December 2006 I needed you more. When I was stressing over having the money and making the arrangements to move into the Farmingdale apartment I needed you more. When Panthea moved out after finding out that I was cheating on her I needed you more. When my mother was hospitalized before her death I needed you more. The weekend that Panthea and I stopped seeing each other last year I needed you more. You were there for me each and every time that I needed You. I'm actually more at peace right now than I was when I first started to write this because I know You'll always be there for me... I just have to ask. Thank you, God. Thank you for everything.

I'm... well, I don't know what I am

The last week or two has been full of ups and downs.

The mortgage company finally has all the documentation that they need. The process produced some significant feelings for me: anxiety over getting everything done in time as well as indignation at the minutia of the procedural guidelines. I consciously did my best to separate the people from the process. I was respectful yet stood my ground. If anyone else goes through this process in the future let me advise you not to forget that the documentation the bank will ask for is a guideline. There are some requirements (like W2s, pay checks, bank statements, and tax returns), but most of the tedious information you'll have to dig around for falls under the guidelines. You can't say no to everything they ask for so get what you can, but don't go crazy and send your 90 year old grandmother to the bank for a copy of the check she gave you for Christmas. Yes, they tried to ask for that and I told them to go scratch. The guidelines are in place so the underwriter has a leg to stand on with their superiors if the borrower defaults on the loan. I get that people need to cover their ass, but my loan has an LPV of less than 30. In a good year I could almost pay off the entire mortgage so lets not pretend that anyone is doing favors here.

The other thing that has me jammed up is moving. I'm going through all the stuff and it's so hard. There really are many fond memories associated with each tidbit and do-dad. Throwing out and giving away things make me sad. The pink stuff: bowls, drying rack, fridge magnets, etc. all remind me of a time when life was different. Tiny sneakers and socks for little feet in my closets and draws. Text books, notebooks, little notes, pictures, cards, movies, bathing suit, bras, underwear, toothbrush, make-up, hair dryer, loofah, shampoo, conditioner, body wash, hair towel thingy, it goes on and on and on and on. How do I discard these things? I'm not mad. She's not mad. It just didn't work out. Is it disrespectful to throw out items that are sentimental? My therapist says that I could take them with me until I see no use for them anymore. I don't have any use for them. I don't use them. I barely notice them anymore. It's just that when I try to throw them away my heart hurts :(

Finally, there's the new house to do list: To paint or not to paint? Which light fixtures and chandeliers? Furniture for every room like couches and tables. I need a bedroom set. Should I turn the living room into a game room with a vape bar?! Take out the jacuzzi tub and install the shower of my dreams? There are so many things. I've never done this before. I've actually signed up for a groupon course to get certified as an interior decorator because I'm way over my head here. Oh yeah... let's not forget seasonal landscaping and the outdoor furniture. Should I install the generator this year or not? I haven't been in the house since December and hardly remember what it looks like inside. I have the property listing pictures from the website, but that's about it. Once I get the keys, the clock starts ticking on paying both mortgages so I can't dilly dally with any renovations. I don't want to live in a construction zone so any mess will need to be made before I move in.

It's a lot to take in. Many things going on at the same time along with work, a social life, meetings, planning a vacation. Go ahead and say it... these are luxury problems. I know. Just try and keep in mind that they are all still in my face and I have to deal with all of them right now. I'm not alone, but I am on my own. Sigh.

Bye

“It is not where we were that counts, but where we are going.”

Basic Text, p. 23

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When we first find recovery, some of us feel shame or despair at calling ourselves “addicts.”  In the early days, we may be filled with both fear and hope as we struggle to find new meaning in our lives.  The past may seem inescapable and overpowering.  It may be hard to think of ourselves in any way other than the way we always have.

While memories of the past can serve as reminders of what’s waiting for us if we use again, they can also keep us stuck in a nightmare of shame and fear.  Though it may be difficult to let go of those memories, each day in recovery can bring us that much farther away from our active addiction.  Each day, we can find more to look forward to and less to punish ourselves for.

In recovery, all doors are open to us.  We have many choices.  Our new life is rich and full of promise.  While we cannot forget the past, we don’t have to live in it.  We can move on.

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Just for today:  I will pack my bags and move out of my past into a present filled with hope.

 

Yeeeesssshhhh... I'm gaaaayyy. Psh

I'm a genius

Sears is coming to take a look at my washing machine tomorrow. Hopefully it can be fixed instead of scrapped. While they are there I'm also going to have them look at my oven. I can turn it on and adjust the temperature, but I can't turn it off. The first time this happened I was panicked. I tried pushing all the buttons, but nothing worked. I don't have much experience with ovens. I'm a range top cook. The only thing I ever make in the oven are pot pies. The oven is also good for heating up left over chicken wings. That's the extent of my oven use. Anyway, when I couldn't shut the oven off I was bugging out...

Is it going to overheat?

Will the house blow up?

This is very bad.

Should I call the fire department?

I know.

I'll shut the gas valve.

But then I can't use the range top.

Grr.

Well, it's better than blowing up the house... I guess.

The people diagonal from me have a kid now!

Wait, the house isn't going to blow up. People cook turkeys for hours and hours.

How do I shut this thing off?!!!

I know.

I'll pull the plug!

Wait... why pull the plug?

::insert brilliant idea lightbulb::

I'll just shut off the circuit breaker!

::close brilliant idea lightbulb::

Wrong one. Wrong one. Wrong one. Wrong one. Bingo!

And that, ladies and gentlemen is how I saved the world...

Going out with a bang

"Oooohhhhhh, my washin' machine is broke

Oooohhhhhh, my washin' machine is broke

I guess it really is time to moooovvvve

Cuuzzzz, my washin' machine just broke"


meh

heh

Rock rhymes with...

Great news, kids.

::edit:: I caution you before you click on the link below. It's been 4 hours and I can not get this song out of my head ::edit::

 

They're making a "Fraggle Rock" movie!

Red is a sexy little thing. She can get the dick ;)

What do you care?

The mortgage company has required that I write them a "detailed motivational letter for purchasing a new primary residence when already currently owning one."

Really?!!!!!111111oneone

WTF

Thankfully they already approved the results of the DNA test ::rolls eyes:: ::rimshot::

I wish this was real

Having anxiety (especially about the mortgage crap and decorating)?!!

Have no fear.

Hug ninja is here!

And now a joke to bring a smile to your face and brighten your day:

A bear walks into a restaurant and says, "I want a grilled............................................................................................cheese."

The waiter says, "What's with the pause?"

The bear replies, "What do you mean? ::blink blink:: I'm a BEAR."

Hahahah lololol

Don't be a cheater

So, I've been low carbing for about 2 months now with some decent success. However, due to peer pressure, I broke down and had a carb day on March 8th. It didn't start out as a carb daaaayy. It started out as waffles with ice cream and delicious toppings at like 2AM (edit :: I forgot to mention the mozzarella sticks, chicken fingers, and potato skins lol :: edit). I went to bed stuffed with food and I woke with a bit of a belly ache :(

After an extended purge I felt better and was ready to carry on :) I didn't have breakfast because I was considering limiting my food intake to one meal, but that soon went by the wayside. Around 11AM I split a 20 piece mcnugget with my friend. They ate more mcnuggets than I did because deep down I knew that this could go off the rails at any point. I also skipped the fries entirely. I smile while telling myself that was a victory. I'm still being good. I can salvage the day!

::shaking my head:: WRONG! ::shaking my head::

A few hours later I was hungry again since I only had like 6 or 7 mcnuggets. That's not a lot of food... I'm entitled to a proper lunch. Don't judge me!! We go to the preferred spot around 2 or 3 in the afternoon. I have a well done chicken quesadilla and a cream soda. Not even a diet cream soda. A full sugar cream soda. Who is kidding who here? By this point I'm in full denial that this a problem. I mean, I've eaten a lot of carbs already so while I'm having lunch I decide to plan my dinner. Fuck you, fatty! It's called a cheat daaayyy!!

Anyway, after the quesadilla I'm stuffed. 7 or 8 at night rolls around and I'm not even hungry. I start to panic. The delivery places will be closing soon. I need to make a decision about whether or not I'm going to eat again. I have salad in the fridge. I could make a few eggs if I get hungry. I have frying cheese. Fuck that low carb food. I'm going out with a bang. I order a meatball parm hero with extra cheese on garlic bread, a side of broccoli rabe, and a sprite. I contemplated going to get a milkshake, but decided that would be obscene considering I ALREADY BOUGHT ICE CREAM on the way home from the quesadilla place. Hahaha. Oooohh I didn't mention that, did I? Yes. "Everything But The" from Ben and Jerry's was sitting in the freezer for the bon voyage celebration later that night.

Sigh.

I went to bed kind of happy, yet feeling gross at the same time. The next morning, after the purge, I take off all my clothes (every ounce counts) and weigh myself to survey the damage... 7 pounds. I gained 7 pounds in one day. My body sucked up the liquid and stored the carbs in my love handles. When I got dressed I had to use one of previously discarded belt holes. I gave back an entire belt hole! That's at least an inch. Today is the 16th. It's taken me 8 days of strict low carbing and partial starvation to get back to where I was on the 8th.

That's just crazy ::insert emoji of smiley face with tongue sticking out::

I'm already planning my next cheat day for May 16th haha

Mini Milestones

As of this morning, I have 3000 days clean.

Tomorrow I will have gone 1100 days with out a "real" cigarette. Vape life, son.

Over the last 24 hours, I have only thought about you once... and I almost had a panic attack. Meme merde? Maybe. Although some things may never change,  I'm glad that I did...

Exactly

Awwww yeah.

Stay in drugs. Don't do school.

Climb the fuckin mountain.

I close on April 1st.

Victory

About 2 weeks ago my snow shovel disappeared from where I kept it on the patio. It was a good shovel with a fancy green auxiliary handle. I bought the shovel about 3 years ago and got a decent amount of use out of it before someone walked off with it. I was a bit annoyed by it's disappearance. I mean let's not mince words here... someone stole my fuckin shovel. I did a quick walk around the neighboring units to mine and the shovel was nowhere to be found at the time. I get it. I live in Coram. People are fuckin scoundrels and hoodlums in general. No biggie. Winters almost over. Fuck it. I'll buy a new shovel next year for the new house. No need to trip.

Last night, in preparation for more snow, I parked in a different place than usual. This allows the plows an easier time clearing the streets and allows me easier access to all side of the truck for snow removal. I don't normally park in this lot so I had to take a different path to and from my unit. This morning, as I'm walking to the truck I'm stopped dead in my tracks... my shovel is on someone's patio. That mother fucker. This guy / gal has my fuckin shovel on display next to his door like it's his shit. Nah, son. Not happening. So I walk up to the door, grab my shovel, knock on the window and some woman looks out at me, I raise my shovel over my head like it's the fuckin Lombardi trophy and walk off with it.

Post Script: After further examination the shovel isn't in great shape. The person who stole it really banged up the shovel part trying to break up ice (I'm guessing). However, the fancy green auxiliary handle thingy is in perfect condition so I'll salvage that.

Settle down, it'll all be clear

I prayed last night.

I was sad / lonely / tired / carb craving / the list goes on and on.

I asked God to help me. I asked Him to show me that he was present in my life. I didn’t ask Him to fix anything. I just asked that He show me his grace. Some evidence that I’m still in His grace… that I’m not alone. I fell asleep at some point while talking to Him.

I woke up this morning to birds chirping. I shit you not. It was 18 degrees outside with a single digit wind chill and there was a bird chirping somewhere outside my window. I haven’t heard a bird make a peep in months. On top of that, as I was wiping the sleep from my eyes the song Home by Phillip Phillips was stuck in my head. I was all smiles. Then, while I was having my fake decaf coffee with coconut oil, Curtis calls me with a crazy story about some Instagram chick that had us both rolling with laughter. I get to work and, although Monday’s are always busy, today wasn’t overwhelming.

::side bar:: coconut oil is a great source of healthy fat. It is also something your belly needs some time to get used to. Trust me on this – 1. Do not exceed one tablespoon per serving / use. 2. Do not take coconut oil for the first time on a weekday. 3. Read the label regarding temperature and the physical state of the stuff. I tried it with iced coffee and my little mixey thingy combined the ice, cold water, and coconut oil into a slimy oily goop. This is not recommended : side bar::

Now while the consensus in the PC world seems to be that every person is entitled to their own opinion… having an opinion doesn’t make it correct. You can believe in God or not. Good luck with the “not” because you’re short changing your life. I can say with out a doubt that God exists and prayer works. 

“Any form of success was frightening and unfamiliar.”

Basic Text, p. 14

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Before coming to NA, few of us had much experience with success.  Every attempt to stop using on our own had ended in failure.  We had begun to give up hope of finding any relief from active addiction.  We had grown accustomed to failure, expecting it, accepting it, thinking it was just part of our makeup.

When we stay clean, we begin to experience success in our lives.  We begin to take pride in our accomplishments.  We start to take healthy risks.  We may take some knocks in the process, but even these can be counted as successes if we learn from them.

Sometimes when we fulfill a goal, we hesitate to “pat ourselves on the back” for fear that we will seem arrogant.  But our Higher Power wants us to succeed, and wants us to share with our loved ones the pride we take in our accomplishments.  When we share our successes with others in NA, they often begin to believe that they can achieve their goals as well.  When we succeed, we help lay the groundwork for others who follow in our path.

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Just for today:  I will take time to savor my successes.  I will share my victories with an “attitude of gratitude.”