Rest In Peace, Vinny... you rascal

“A lot happens in one day, both negative and positive. If we do not take the time to appreciate both, perhaps we will miss something that will help us grow.” IP No. 8, Just for Today ––––=–––– Responsibility, responsibility—the responsibilities of life are everywhere. We’re “supposed to” wear seat belts. We’re “supposed to” clean our homes. We’re “supposed to” do certain things for our spouse, our children, the people we sponsor. On top of all this, we’re “supposed to” go to meetings and practice our program as best we can. It’s no wonder that, sometimes, we want to run from all these tasks and escape to some far-off island where we’re not “supposed to” do anything! At times like these, when we’ve become overwhelmed with our responsibilities, we have forgotten that responsibility need not be burdensome. When we have a desire to run away from our responsibilities we need to slow down, remember why we have chosen them, and pay attention to the gifts they bring. Whether it’s a job we normally find challenging and interesting, or a partner whose personality we are usually excited by, or a child whom we naturally like to play with and care for, there is joy to be found in all the responsibilities of our lives. ––––=–––– Just for today: Each moment is special. I will pay attention, grateful for my responsibilities and the special joys they bring.

A friend and colleague of mine was in a fatal car accident recently. I will miss his valued contribution to my business, but most of all I will miss my friend. It hurts to lose another friend right now. Honestly, I don't know what my life is going to be like with out him. We worked together and we laughed together. We got into arguments and we had each other's best interest at heart. We spoke about our significant others through love and loss. We spoke about our parents. We spoke about our struggles with addiction. I knew him and I let him know me (flaws, fears, and all). In the 5 years or so that I've known him, we grew together. I will miss you, Vince... you grumpy little prick ;) I would not be where I am in my professional or personal life with out you. I will mourn you and the loss of your laugh in my life for a very long time.

Yeah, so I got that going for me...

“We entertained the thought that staying clean was not paying off, and the old thinking stirred up self-pity, resentment, and anger.”

Basic Text, p. 98

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There are days when some of us wallow in self-pity.  It’s easy to do.  We may have expectations about how our lives should be in recovery, expectations that aren’t always met.  Maybe we’ve tried unsuccessfully to control someone, or we think our circumstances should be different.  Perhaps we’ve compared ourselves with other recovering addicts and found ourselves lacking.  The more we try to make our life conform to our expectations, the more uncomfortable we feel.  Self-pity can arise from living in our expectations instead of in the world as it actually is.

When the world doesn’t measure up to our expectations, it’s often our expectations that need adjusting, not the world.  We can start by comparing our lives today with the way they used to be, developing gratitude for our recovery.  We can extend this exercise in gratitude by counting the good things in our lives, becoming thankful that the world does not conform to our expectations but exceeds them.  And if we continue working the Twelve Steps, further cultivating gratitude and acceptance, what we can expect in the future is more growth, more happiness, and more peace of mind.

We’ve been given much in recovery; staying clean has paid off.  Acceptance of our lives, just for today, frees us from our self-pity.

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Just for today:  I will accept my life, gratefully, just as it is.

Yes, I've been fortunate. It's easy sometimes to look at my surroundings and think about how the picture isn't perfect. When I stop trying to fill in the blanks and just enjoy what exists today my spirit soars. I enjoy laughing again. I enjoy smiling and meaning it. Not having to force myself to keep my chin up. By no means is this my full time demeanor. I waffle back and forth, but it's better than it was a few weeks ago. Consistency is on the horizon. A new routine will bring me back to the place of peace I've known before. Until then I may sniffle or frown, but it's not for too long. I've come to  realize that losing the woman I called my heart hasn't left me as empty as I thought because I have friends. My relationships with my friends unintentionally suffered while I was in my relationship with PB. Having those relationships back in my life has filled up part of what is lost. So I got that going for me... which is nice. Thanks, God. 

I kinda' knew

I woke up this morning, but didn't check my phone right away.

Was it a dream? I rarely dream so maybe it really happened.

If it's real then is this a good thing or a bad thing? What does it really mean or solve? I mulled these over for about 15 minutes.

I finally grabbed my phone to check.

No.

It was a dream.

Sigh... I think.

"...I think and think and think, I've thought myself out of happiness one million times, but never once into it." - JSF  ...IME only action makes this possible.

“The relief of ‘letting go and letting God’ helps us develop a life that is worth living.” Basic Text, p. 26 ––––=–––– In our addiction, we were afraid of what might happen if we didn’t control everything around us.  Many of us made up elaborate lies to protect our use of drugs.  Some of us manipulated everyone around us in a frenzied attempt to get something from them so we could use more drugs.  A few of us went to great lengths to keep two people from talking to each other and perhaps discovering our trail of lies.  We took pains to maintain an illusion of control over our addiction and our lives.  In the process, we kept ourselves from experiencing the serenity that comes with surrender to a Higher Power’s will. In our recovery, it is important to release our illusion of control and surrender to a Higher Power, whose will for us is better than anything we can con, manipulate, or devise for ourselves.  If we realize that we are trying to control outcomes and are feeling afraid of the future, there is action we can take to reverse that trend.  We go to our Second and Third Steps and look at what we have come to believe about a Higher Power.  Do we truly believe that this Power can care for us and restore us to sanity?  If so, we can live with all of life’s ups and downs—its disappointments, its sorrows, its wonders, and its joys. ––––=–––– Just for today:  I will surrender and let a Higher Power’s will happen in my life.  I will accept the gift of serenity this surrender brings.

I know what not to do

“Take my will and my life.  Guide me in my recovery.  Show me how to live.”

Basic Text, p. 26

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How do we begin the process of letting our Higher Power guide our lives?  When we seek advice about situations that trouble us, we often find that our Higher Power works through others.  When we accept that we don’t have all the answers, we open ourselves to new and different options.  A willingness to let go of our preconceived ideas and opinions opens the channel for spiritual guidance to light our way.

At times, we must be driven to the point of distraction before we are ready to turn difficult situations over to our Higher Power.  Anxiously plotting, struggling, planning, worrying—none of these suffice.  We can be sure that if we turn our problems over to our Higher Power, through listening to others share their experience or in the quiet of meditation, the answers will come.

There is no point in living a frantic existence.  Charging through life like the house is on fire exhausts us and gets us nowhere.  In the long run, no amount of manipulation on our part will change a situation.  When we let go and allow ourselves access to a Higher Power, we will discover the best way to proceed.  Rest assured, answers derived from a sound spiritual basis will be far superior to any answers we could concoct on our own.

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Just for today:  I will let go and let my Higher Power guide my life.

I don't have all the answers. Sometimes, if I spend too much time wondering what went wrong I feel like I don't have any of the answers. I cry sometimes. With out warning the sadness comes and my eyes well up. I miss my friend sometimes. I miss her smile and her laugh. Then I remember all the hurt she brings along with those things. During our relationship I tried to live in the present... enjoy the good times and work through the rough spots. I guess that was foolish. A smile isn't enough. A hug isn't enough. I know what not to do now.

So many memories. So many plans derailed. I don't even want to think about how much of my life changed 2 weeks ago, but I can't help it. I'm faced with it every day. Pictures, notes, every fuckin thing in my damn house has been touched by her in some way. It's not easy to move forward when everything reminds me of the past. My salvation is that I have been here before. I remember what this feels like and that I have gotten through these feelings to the other side. Joy is still possible. It may be short lived at times, but it still comes. I don't need to fill my life with people and things that aren't good for me. I know what not to do now.

The above mentions being frantic. There are times when I want to fill the place she occupied with something or someone right away. Make this ache stop right now. Please God, wake me up from this bad dream. It's only been 2 weeks, but it feels like a hell of a lot longer. Patience. Serenity. Peace. These can be found through prayer. In time the answers and direction will be clear to me. Don't forget to give time time. When I can put the distractions away my Higher Power's will be apparent to me as it has been in the past. It's not easy. I'm writing tonight because I need hope. Typing the words rather than just thinking them. I know what not to do. God, please help me carry on until I see the right path.  Wrap me up in your love. Don't let go of this sad sad man. I know what not to do. Help me see your light when I close my eyes. I'm afraid of this darkness, Lord.

Sigh. Sniffle.

Pity party over for now.

When it rains...

So, today is November 11^th and it’s my Mom’s birthday. If you read this blog then you know that she passed away 10 months ago. To acknowledge her birthday, my sisters and some friends of ours got together to have dinner. My sisters cooked and we all had a sit down dinner of my Mother’s recipe for Rigatoni ala Vodka. We’ve all eaten this dish dozens of times at my Mother’s house through the years and I believe that it made her happy to know that we were all together. I’m was looking forward to seeing everyone and the whole event didn't disappoint. I miss you Mom. Dinner with everyone was a positive distraction from mourning her loss.

Positive distractions... not all distractions are positive. I’m doing the best that I can considering the circumstances, but there are many ways to take your mind off something that I’m not currently making use of… well, not yet anyway. It takes a conscious effort not to follow the easy / familiar path. I have been tempted by food, sex, using, and spending money. None of these make sense. None of these will solve my problem, nor will they lessen the problem in any way. As a matter of fact each of these distractions has the potential to make my situation worse. Here are a few examples:

• About a month ago I started to eat better. I feel good and my clothes fit better. This is a reason to smile. Going back to the ice cream crutch at night is a step in the wrong direction. This is especially true for the newly single.
• Speaking of single and ready to mingle (I know  ::rimshot:: ) there is no greater emotional crutch than the hook-up. Change a feeling with a feeling. Get some positive affirmation… get yourself some sweet ass candy in a pretty wrapper. No matter how many times this is tried it always fails. As my friend Rob calls it, “Chasing Tail.” The distraction is the chase and thrill of the hunt. New pussy / dick is always appealing… at first. A new pretty wrapper. A new trick or two experienced and then it’s not new anymore. The wrapper is always more appealing before you open it… sometimes the insides smell bad too. Ew!!!
• Aside from fucking there is the option of getting fucked up. This has short term appeal as well… the sympathy share… “I’m Tommy and I have 2 days back. It all started when my Mom died. Then a few months later my long term relationship ended. Sniffle. I have so much love to give and no one loves me!” Hah. This is a great way to get attention and have tail come to you. Unfortunately the loss of clean time, money, and self respect also come along with it. A few hours in a bar with some jack and a nice drip, laughing to bong hits while watching a movie, grinding your teeth while your ears ring / heart beats out of your chest, or being slumped over in a chair after one too many pills… all of these offer a reprieve from the current state of mind and then they don’t so you need more to push the feelings back again. Meh.
• Finally there is spending. Along with food, this is the preferred distraction of those who have been clean and think they are emotionally healthy. Let’s see, my relationship is over and my mom is dead so I don’t need to buy a house anymore. Hmm, how about an RS7 or a CLS63?! Nice. WRONG! A new pair of sneakers has never solved any problem that I’ve had. A new TV might, but that’s because my current TV has the white dots of death. The car will get dirty or worse… old. Last years model isn’t as nice as this years model. Perhaps someone dings the door or the bumper. A pot hole or a curb damages the rim. While new clothes and a bad ass car might help in the hunt for new pussy those things in themselves don’t provide a sustained distraction or emotional lift.

Aside from food, I have done a pretty good job not falling into these pitfalls of negative distractions the past few years. I did what needed to be done to become a better person. Yes, I said better. I’m a better version of myself than I was a few years ago. In general, I’m a better version of myself than I was a few weeks ago with out all the bullshit hanging over my head. Don’t get me wrong. I get very sad sometimes, but that’s because of the derailment of my future plans. I’m mourning that loss as well as the loss of a friend. It’s especially tough because of everything that is around me… my friend John had a child a few months ago, my friend Mike had a baby the end of August, and to top it all off this morning Adam tells me that his girl is pregnant. Are you kidding me?! You’ve got to be kidding me. LOL. HAHAHA. Huge giant fucking SIGH!! Breathe. Smile. I love all of these guys and I’m happy for each of them while being a little more sad for me at the same time. God has a sense of humor kids. Sometimes, when it rains it pours.

If you're going to run then make it towards something

“No matter how far we ran, we always carried fear with us.” Basic Text, p. 14 ––––=–––– For many of us, fear was a constant factor in our lives before we came to Narcotics Anonymous.   We used because we were afraid to feel emotional or physical pain.  Our fear of people and situations gave us a convenient excuse to use drugs.  A few of us were so afraid of everything that we were unable even to leave our homes without using first. As we stay clean, we replace our fear with a belief in the fellowship, the steps, and a Higher Power.  As this belief grows, our faith in the miracle of recovery begins to color all aspects of our lives.  We start to see ourselves differently.  We realize we are spiritual beings, and we strive to live by spiritual principles. The application of spiritual principles helps eliminate fear from our lives.  By refraining from treating other people in harmful or unlawful ways, we find we needn’t fear how we will be treated in return.  As we practice love, compassion, understanding, and patience in our relationships with others, we are treated in turn with respect and consideration.  We realize these positive changes result from allowing our Higher Power to work through us.  We come to believe—not to think, but to believe—that our Higher Power wants only the best for us.  No matter what the circumstances, we find we can walk in faith instead of fear. ––––=–––– Just for today:  I no longer need to run in fear, but can walk in faith that my Higher Power has only the best in store for me.

There will be times for us all when we struggle, but that is merely a part of this life. I truly believe that my Higher Power wants only the best for me... for all of us. God's grace is easily forgotten when we forget that the whole experience is life. I've been praying a lot this past week. My friends have been great, but I need inner strength and for that I turn to God. I prayed for a reason to smile last night. I asked God to hold me and let me know his love. I've probably mentioned this before.... I rarely dream, but last night I did. It was actually a memory of a day I had back in High School. I hadn't thought about that day in a really long time. It was one of the best days of my life. It reminded me not just of what love can be, but that I have know the beauty of love more than once in my life. I will know it again. Until then... don't forget to smile.

The end result

Panthea broke up with me yesterday.

I didn't ask for an explanation after she said, "I can't see how this can work." She's said this before. She's a smart girl. If she can't find anything in me worth sticking around for then what else is there to say? A 3 minute conversation as an end to several years.

I have done my best to give her my whole heart and focus. The relationship is a failure, but I am not. It's hard to feel any accomplishment in that while I sit here with tears streaming down my face. There will be no more memories. I don't understand how I can be so in love with someone and committed to being with her to then have her tell me that she doesn't want to be with me anymore... sigh. Not being enough is not my fault. That's a tough statement to type, I'm not enough for her, but that doesn't mean that I'm deficient. I don't think I'm lying to myself when I say that. Well, I hope to God that I'm not anyway.

I have succeeded in giving my heart to her. I have succeeded at keeping my side of the street clean by being mindful. Of being aware of what my part needed to be and executing to the best of my ability. I did not cop-out or give up regardless of what was put in front of me. I loved as only I can until I was told to stop. It's so hard to really feel the full impact of that statement though it's a truth that I must accept. Conversations about what happened are fruitless. Internal dialogue about what went wrong will never change the status quo.

Her decision is beyond my control. Her needs are beyond my control. I am tired of being hurt. I don't know how long I could have gone on this way. I don't have a clue why the relationship was this hard for her. I sit here loving her so completely, knowing how open my heart is to seeing that she is safe and secure, but it changes nothing. One person can not love a relationship back to life. CPR can move air into the lungs and blood through the body, but it can not make the heart beat back to life. There will be no more laughter, no more squeaky voice, no cuddles, no lifetime commitment, I will not see her in that beautiful white dress, there will be no holidays at our home with a table full of family, no baby bump to listen and talk to, no little children with too much eye brow hair and little feets... well, none of that with me.

I do have some beautiful memories that will need to be put somewhere. They serve no purpose now other than to create longing. I doubt it's healthy to play the tapes in your head about someone you love when they have asked you to go away and leave them to a life with out you. I'll have to look for answers to this in therapy.

I just to want to fuckin puke right now. Yesterday I was asked to speak about hope at our area NA convention. Is this a little joke between me and my higher power or was it preparation for the tears that won't stop flowing each time I sit down to write some more? Here are a few things that I will have to keep in mind... baby, you have left my broken heart with no choice... please God, take care of this sad sad boy:

• Hope - to cherish a desire with anticipation... well, I guess what I'm hoping for will need to change.
• Today I don't want anyone else's life. I want to live my own... that's a big order at the moment.
• Don't morn the past. Celebrate that we exist at all today... everything that I have done up to this point puts in a position to love myself and someone else with my true heart.
• It's how well we struggle, not how many good times we experience... struggling doesn't mean failure regardless of how beautiful the past may have been. A struggle is an opportunity to learn and to grow.
• The more difficult path leads to life... the seed must grow out of the pod, up through the soil and against gravity to reach the sun. It's never easy to overcome anything, but it can be done and the experience as well as the end result can be so beautiful.
• Shit happens. The event never defines our life. We can smile... no matter what we can go on. There is a joy to be found and a love to be known. Smile. Give it a try. Even if you're crying looking into a hotel room mirror while you type some random blog post. 
• We start fresh. Today is the best it's going to get until you make it different... sadness, ache, loneliness, being overweight, needing a shower, etc. The path to a different place is within you. Move a muscle and take some action. Everything you wish didn't happen already did and you survived. Don't forget to smile.
• Results are important when seeking change, but the journey / the struggle needs to be appreciated... each step we take when we didn't want to or felt we couldn't is a victory.
• Make yourself proud... I'm really struggling with this right now. 
• If you came here with nothing don't worry. You now have the message so you have something amazing... God, please love me and don't let me fall. I'l keep going, but you need to hold me right now. We can do such wonderful things with God's grace if we just don't give up. Sniffle.
• I don't have to be controlled by my past. I will live this new day as the new person I'm becoming. The past will eventually lose control over us and we will be free to live a new life as the people we are today... someone else will find me lovable. I need to carry on as the person I am today, not as the person I was before.
• All things material will wear or break. The only things we get to truly keep are those we sincerely have in our heart... it's okay to try and fail. God will carry me through.
• A plan is a dream with a deadline... i'll just leave that alone right now other than saying that I know that a failure to plan is a plan to fail. It's okay to try and fail, but unfocussed effort achieves very little. Today I will try to smile and not cry every time someone gives me a hug. My dream may be dead, but that doesn't mean that I won't dream again.
• Sometimes I don't care about the repercussions, until the pain from them is my reality... I knew this could happen. No matter how much I feared it might happen I knew I had to try with everything I had. While it seems like 2 years wasted and many unneeded tears I have to remember that I volunteered to be hurt like this. The cause of the pain is mine. I didn't have to allow myself to be in this relationship again.
• God will not go anywhere that I don't invite him. There is a distorted comfort in familiar pain. He is not a God of my convenience. We have to ask God for the knowledge of his will for us. We have to seek another way than what we have known and then take action. If we do what we have always done then we will continue to get what we have always gotten. To get past a feeling takes more than sitting in it. Action is required... so basically all I have the energy for is to type right now. Hopefully carbs and stupidity are not in my future. I know where that leads.
• Success is what happens when opportunity and preparation meet... I am prepared, the rest will follow at some point. I'm sure that patience and gratitude will be required for awhile.

So that's about it for now.