One does not need to make a new year's resolution...
when one is already this fucking awesome.
True story :)
Don't forget to smile - unless you have something better to do with your mouth
Wednesday, December 31, 2014
Stay awesome, my friends
One does not need to make a new year's resolution...
when one is already this fucking awesome.
True story :)
Don't forget to smile - unless you have something better to do with your mouth
Tuesday, December 30, 2014
Monday, December 29, 2014
There's a catch
I seek to see myself as I truly am.
Only honesty can set me free. The whole story is the only truth. I've been clean long enough that I have no excuse for holding back. The half truths told in an attempt to save face avail me nothing. I am as free as I allow myself to be. Sounds cliche?
Alight, here's another question: How many people know everything about you in exact terms?
Try it sometime.
"Just for today I will be unafraid. So long as I follow that way, I have nothing to fear."
If you don't tell the truth about yourself then it's impossible for you to tell the whole truth about anything else. Real talk.
Only honesty can set me free. The whole story is the only truth. I've been clean long enough that I have no excuse for holding back. The half truths told in an attempt to save face avail me nothing. I am as free as I allow myself to be. Sounds cliche?
Alight, here's another question: How many people know everything about you in exact terms?
Try it sometime.
"Just for today I will be unafraid. So long as I follow that way, I have nothing to fear."
If you don't tell the truth about yourself then it's impossible for you to tell the whole truth about anything else. Real talk.
Sunday, December 28, 2014
We won!
Welcome to a new day. Take a look around. Separate yourself from your disappointments and look at where you are. Make today whatever you wish. If your wish is for peace then simply slow down your thoughts and know that you are loved. Can you feel the warmth? Does it make you smile? Today I can find this place just by looking at the above picture. I can see myself there: green grass, blue sky, bright sun, the occasional cow ;) Now that's living. Chin up kids. We've done more than survive. We won! Life is beautiful.
Oh that's right. Thanks, God.
Faith is what keeps us doing the footwork even when we cant see the reason... this doesn't mean that we're lost. It just means that we can't see what we believe to be out there.
Friday, December 26, 2014
Thursday, December 25, 2014
Merry... Uhm... Happy...
So I just got out of bed.
I've had better days.
With tears in my eyes I'm answering text messages... Merry Christmas! Sigh. A part of me just wants to go back to sleep and try again tomorrow. Wish me luck, kids.
Don't forget to smile.
Nope
It's December 25th, 2014 at around 1:00AM.
When I wake up in a few hours, I'll be alone on Christmas morning for the first time in my life.
Tuesday, December 23, 2014
It's official
Contracts are signed.
Update the Basic Text... after 8 years and one day clean you get a house with a pool!
It's time to start puppy shopping :) Woo to the whooo
Say it with your chest!!
Yesterday
Yesterday was my 8 year anniversary of being clean. That's right, almost 253,000,000 million seconds ;) The phone calls and texts made me happy. Each conversation reminded me of how grateful I should be to the fellowship and how important constancy is to building relationships. I didn't hear from Panthea. I didn't expect her to call, but I thought I might get a text or an e-mail. I checked my e-mail until after midnight. I'm pretty sure that behavior like this is a bit unhealthy. I've written about our difficulties and how we're on two separate paths, but that doesn't stop me from wanting to know that the woman I love was thinking about me.
Chin up, kids. It's Christmas time... there is family, fun, and shellfish in my immediate future!
Monday, December 22, 2014
Roughly 253,000,000 seconds
I copied these from a website I stumbled across a few years ago:
1. “The longer we dwell on our misfortunes, the greater their power to harm us.” – Voltaire
2. “If my mind can conceive it and my heart can believe it, then I can achieve it.” – Muhammad Ali
3. “And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.” – Anais Nin
4. “It is never too late to be what you might have been.” – George Eliot
5. “If you’re going through hell keep going.” – Winston Churchill
6. “Take the first step in faith, you don’t have to see the whole staircase, just take the first step.” – Martin Luther King, Jr.
7. “Success seems to be largely a matter of hanging on after others have let go.” – William Feather
8. “If you’re only willing to do what’s easy, life will be hard. But if you’re willing to do what’s hard, life will be easy.” – T. Harv Eker
9. “Do the thing you fear most and the death of fear is certain.” – Mark Twain
10. “When one door closes, another opens; but we often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door that we do not see the one which has opened for us.” – Alexander Graham Bell
11. “Only when we are brave enough to explore the darkness will we discover the infinite power of our light.” – Brene Brown
12. “You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take.” – Wayne Gretzky
13. “I’ve missed more than 9000 shots in my career. I’ve lost almost 300 games. 26 times, I’ve been trusted to take the game winning shot and missed. I’ve failed over and over and over again in my life. And that is why I succeed.” – Michael Jordan
14. “The successful warrior is the average man, with laser-like focus.” – Bruce Lee
15. “One of the greatest discoveries a man makes, one of his great surprises, is to find he can do what he was afraid he couldn’t do.” – Henry Ford
16. “Success is never final. Failure is never fatal. It is courage that counts.” - Winston Churchill
17. “Opportunity does not knock, it presents itself when you beat down the door.” – Kyle Chandler
18. “Only those who dare to fail greatly can ever achieve greatly.” – Robert Kennedy
19. “When you reach the end of your rope, tie a knot in it and hang on.” – Thomas Jefferson
20. “It’s always darkest before the dawn.” – Unknown
21. “Develop an attitude of gratitude, and give thanks for everything that happens to you, knowing that every step forward is a step toward achieving something bigger and better than your current situation.” – Brian Tracy
22. “Develop success from failures. Discouragement and failure are two of the surest stepping stones to success.” – Dale Carnegie
23. “Strength does not come from physical capacity. It comes from an indomitable will.” – Mahatma Gandhi
24. “Attitude is a little thing that makes a big difference.” – Winston Churchill
25. “Obstacles can’t stop you. Problems can’t stop you. Most of all, other people can’t stop you. Only you can stop you.”– J. Gitomer
26. “Fortune favors the bold.” - Virgil
27. “Being defeated is often a temporary condition. Giving up is what makes it permanent.” – Marilyn vos Savant
28. “In the confrontation between the stream and the rock, the stream always wins – not through strength, but through persistence.” – Buddha
29. “Whatever the mind can conceive and believe, the mind can achieve.” – Napoleon Hill
30. “Ever tried. Ever failed. No matter. Try again. Fail again. Fail better.” – Samuel Beckett
31. “To avoid criticism say nothing, do nothing, be nothing.” – Elbert Hubbard
32. “Edison failed 10,000 times before he made the electric light. Do not be discouraged if you fail a few times.” – Napoleon Hill
33. “I know for sure that what we dwell on is who we become.” – Oprah Winfrey
34. “Do not let what you cannot do interfere with what you can do.” – John Wooden
35. “Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall.” – Confucius
36. “Sometimes even to live is an act of courage.” – Seneca
37. “There is no education like adversity.” – Benjamin Disraeli
I've included all 37 quotes because not every person needs the same motivation. What clicks in my brain might not mean a damn thing to you. I gave you all 37 options so hopefully you'll find something to inspire you to get off your ass, out of that funk, or just turn that frown upside down and smile. Of all the quotes my favorite is number 27. It's probably the most obvious and maybe that's what my simple brain needs. Common sense works best for me: Something is over when you stop trying to do it. You can't win a fight if you don't get back up. A person will never lose weight if they keep eating the wrong foods for their metabolism. You have only failed to accomplish something when you stop trying to do it. I'll never complete a faster mile if I don't keep trying to jog an extra 10 seconds at a time. The business will never grow if we don't sell more product. I'll never have a family if I don't start dating new people. My life will never be what I want it to be if I use drugs. I will never know God's will if I don't eliminate contradictions in my life and pray to further my relationship with my Higher Power.
I want to know the peace that love brings. I want to be loved and love the world that is around me. The only way for that to be possible is for me to accept what exists AND THEN MOVE FORWARD. If I don't accept what exist today then I will move in the wrong direction. I need to accept exactly where I am and only then can I see the correct path from here. This place is a point in time. As stated by another quote above, success and failure are never final. There is no finish line with life. The only end point in life is death. Aside from that, life is a journey so change your view and love and cherish it. If I spend my time moving in the direction that is right for me then I will fail better and learn. I love that phrase: fail better. That is a great attitude to have. We are the product of a loving and caring God. Keep trying new things. Keep moving towards the light.
1. “The longer we dwell on our misfortunes, the greater their power to harm us.” – Voltaire
2. “If my mind can conceive it and my heart can believe it, then I can achieve it.” – Muhammad Ali
3. “And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.” – Anais Nin
4. “It is never too late to be what you might have been.” – George Eliot
5. “If you’re going through hell keep going.” – Winston Churchill
6. “Take the first step in faith, you don’t have to see the whole staircase, just take the first step.” – Martin Luther King, Jr.
7. “Success seems to be largely a matter of hanging on after others have let go.” – William Feather
8. “If you’re only willing to do what’s easy, life will be hard. But if you’re willing to do what’s hard, life will be easy.” – T. Harv Eker
9. “Do the thing you fear most and the death of fear is certain.” – Mark Twain
10. “When one door closes, another opens; but we often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door that we do not see the one which has opened for us.” – Alexander Graham Bell
11. “Only when we are brave enough to explore the darkness will we discover the infinite power of our light.” – Brene Brown
12. “You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take.” – Wayne Gretzky
13. “I’ve missed more than 9000 shots in my career. I’ve lost almost 300 games. 26 times, I’ve been trusted to take the game winning shot and missed. I’ve failed over and over and over again in my life. And that is why I succeed.” – Michael Jordan
14. “The successful warrior is the average man, with laser-like focus.” – Bruce Lee
15. “One of the greatest discoveries a man makes, one of his great surprises, is to find he can do what he was afraid he couldn’t do.” – Henry Ford
16. “Success is never final. Failure is never fatal. It is courage that counts.” - Winston Churchill
17. “Opportunity does not knock, it presents itself when you beat down the door.” – Kyle Chandler
18. “Only those who dare to fail greatly can ever achieve greatly.” – Robert Kennedy
19. “When you reach the end of your rope, tie a knot in it and hang on.” – Thomas Jefferson
20. “It’s always darkest before the dawn.” – Unknown
21. “Develop an attitude of gratitude, and give thanks for everything that happens to you, knowing that every step forward is a step toward achieving something bigger and better than your current situation.” – Brian Tracy
22. “Develop success from failures. Discouragement and failure are two of the surest stepping stones to success.” – Dale Carnegie
23. “Strength does not come from physical capacity. It comes from an indomitable will.” – Mahatma Gandhi
24. “Attitude is a little thing that makes a big difference.” – Winston Churchill
25. “Obstacles can’t stop you. Problems can’t stop you. Most of all, other people can’t stop you. Only you can stop you.”– J. Gitomer
26. “Fortune favors the bold.” - Virgil
27. “Being defeated is often a temporary condition. Giving up is what makes it permanent.” – Marilyn vos Savant
28. “In the confrontation between the stream and the rock, the stream always wins – not through strength, but through persistence.” – Buddha
29. “Whatever the mind can conceive and believe, the mind can achieve.” – Napoleon Hill
30. “Ever tried. Ever failed. No matter. Try again. Fail again. Fail better.” – Samuel Beckett
31. “To avoid criticism say nothing, do nothing, be nothing.” – Elbert Hubbard
32. “Edison failed 10,000 times before he made the electric light. Do not be discouraged if you fail a few times.” – Napoleon Hill
33. “I know for sure that what we dwell on is who we become.” – Oprah Winfrey
34. “Do not let what you cannot do interfere with what you can do.” – John Wooden
35. “Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall.” – Confucius
36. “Sometimes even to live is an act of courage.” – Seneca
37. “There is no education like adversity.” – Benjamin Disraeli
I've included all 37 quotes because not every person needs the same motivation. What clicks in my brain might not mean a damn thing to you. I gave you all 37 options so hopefully you'll find something to inspire you to get off your ass, out of that funk, or just turn that frown upside down and smile. Of all the quotes my favorite is number 27. It's probably the most obvious and maybe that's what my simple brain needs. Common sense works best for me: Something is over when you stop trying to do it. You can't win a fight if you don't get back up. A person will never lose weight if they keep eating the wrong foods for their metabolism. You have only failed to accomplish something when you stop trying to do it. I'll never complete a faster mile if I don't keep trying to jog an extra 10 seconds at a time. The business will never grow if we don't sell more product. I'll never have a family if I don't start dating new people. My life will never be what I want it to be if I use drugs. I will never know God's will if I don't eliminate contradictions in my life and pray to further my relationship with my Higher Power.
I want to know the peace that love brings. I want to be loved and love the world that is around me. The only way for that to be possible is for me to accept what exists AND THEN MOVE FORWARD. If I don't accept what exist today then I will move in the wrong direction. I need to accept exactly where I am and only then can I see the correct path from here. This place is a point in time. As stated by another quote above, success and failure are never final. There is no finish line with life. The only end point in life is death. Aside from that, life is a journey so change your view and love and cherish it. If I spend my time moving in the direction that is right for me then I will fail better and learn. I love that phrase: fail better. That is a great attitude to have. We are the product of a loving and caring God. Keep trying new things. Keep moving towards the light.
One day, one hour, one minute, or one second at a time - I will not use.
December 22nd - A New Way To Live
“When at the end of the road we find that we can no longer
function as a human being, either with or without drugs, we all face the
same dilemma.... Either go on as best we can to the bitter ends—jails,
institutions, or death—or find a new way to live.”
Basic Text, p. 87
––––=––––
What was the worst aspect of active addiction? For many of us,
it wasn’t the chance that we might die some day of our disease. The
worst part was the living death we experienced every day, the
never-ending meaninglessness of life. We felt like walking ghosts, not
living, loving parts of the world around us.
In recovery, we’ve come to believe that we’re here for a reason:
to love ourselves and to love others. In working the Twelve Steps, we
have learned to accept ourselves. With that self-acceptance has come
self-respect. We have seen that everything we do has an effect on
others; we are a part of the lives of those around us, and they of
ours. We’ve begun to trust other people and to acknowledge our
responsibility to them.
In recovery, we’ve come back to life. We maintain our new lives
by contributing to the welfare of others and seeking each day to do that
better—that’s where the Tenth, Eleventh, and Twelfth Steps come in.
The days of living like a ghost are past, but only so long as we
actively seek to be healthy, loving, contributing parts of our own lives
and the lives of others around us.
––––=––––
Just for today: I have found a new way to live. Today, I will seek to serve others with love and to love myself.
Sunday, December 21, 2014
Peace
This hasn't been an easy day.
Yesterday put more than one smile on my face. I got plenty of rest and today started fine. I worked in the office for a few hours with a couple of the kids. We entered about 100 orders. It's a short week so the office needs to give the warehouse every chance to get these orders out the door before we shut down for the holiday. Everything went well so as we were wrapping up for the afternoon I remembered that I still needed to buy one of my sisters a Christmas gift. Somehow I got it in my head that she might want something that related to her relationship with our mother. I looked at figurines, jewelry, and paintings. At some point I realized that I felt uneasy. My stomach was in knots, I had chills / goose bump things, and I had tightness in various muscles. I guess that in looking for something that showed how wonderful my sisters relationship with my mom was it reminded me of how much I miss my relationship with her.
This isn't an easy time of the year for me even when my Mom was alive, but now it's even more difficult. 8 years ago tonight I was bing using everything I could put into the garbage can of my body because I was going to rehab in the morning (tomorrow 12/22 is my 8 year anniversary). For most of the last 8 years I watched my family slowly drift apart as we watched cancer take our mother from us. Her failing health changed the holiday experience and each year we lost a bit of her and the routine we grew up with. Last year at this time my mother's cancer had us all at her bedside in the hospital. Thankfully she was released for Christmas Eve and Christmas Day, but went back in shortly afterwards and died there in early January. Panthea, who held my heart together last year at this time, is no longer in my life. These thoughts, one after another, came to me this afternoon. The sadness and loss hung over me. My phone rang a lot today. No one called specifically about this and I didn't mention it to anyone. I wanted the feelings to go away. I wanted the wave of emotion to pass over me and be gone, but it lingered.
I laughed this afternoon. I laughed at terrible jokes about Africans liking football teams from Ohio (the Browns and the Bengals). I laughed harder than the punch lines warranted... till the tears flowed from my eyes. I didn't cry / sob, bit the emotion was released. I don't know if it was the proper way. Some people will say that there isn't a proper way. Regardless, I felt better and now a few hours later I feel okay. I'm going to bed now and I will get a good night sleep. Somehow peace is in my heart and I am grateful.
Not every day is perfect. It's possible that the best day of my life is behind me. However, I am confidant that there are more smiles to come in the future :)
Sorry if the picture is a repost, but it's appropriately inspirational at the moment.
Yesterday put more than one smile on my face. I got plenty of rest and today started fine. I worked in the office for a few hours with a couple of the kids. We entered about 100 orders. It's a short week so the office needs to give the warehouse every chance to get these orders out the door before we shut down for the holiday. Everything went well so as we were wrapping up for the afternoon I remembered that I still needed to buy one of my sisters a Christmas gift. Somehow I got it in my head that she might want something that related to her relationship with our mother. I looked at figurines, jewelry, and paintings. At some point I realized that I felt uneasy. My stomach was in knots, I had chills / goose bump things, and I had tightness in various muscles. I guess that in looking for something that showed how wonderful my sisters relationship with my mom was it reminded me of how much I miss my relationship with her.
This isn't an easy time of the year for me even when my Mom was alive, but now it's even more difficult. 8 years ago tonight I was bing using everything I could put into the garbage can of my body because I was going to rehab in the morning (tomorrow 12/22 is my 8 year anniversary). For most of the last 8 years I watched my family slowly drift apart as we watched cancer take our mother from us. Her failing health changed the holiday experience and each year we lost a bit of her and the routine we grew up with. Last year at this time my mother's cancer had us all at her bedside in the hospital. Thankfully she was released for Christmas Eve and Christmas Day, but went back in shortly afterwards and died there in early January. Panthea, who held my heart together last year at this time, is no longer in my life. These thoughts, one after another, came to me this afternoon. The sadness and loss hung over me. My phone rang a lot today. No one called specifically about this and I didn't mention it to anyone. I wanted the feelings to go away. I wanted the wave of emotion to pass over me and be gone, but it lingered.
I laughed this afternoon. I laughed at terrible jokes about Africans liking football teams from Ohio (the Browns and the Bengals). I laughed harder than the punch lines warranted... till the tears flowed from my eyes. I didn't cry / sob, bit the emotion was released. I don't know if it was the proper way. Some people will say that there isn't a proper way. Regardless, I felt better and now a few hours later I feel okay. I'm going to bed now and I will get a good night sleep. Somehow peace is in my heart and I am grateful.
Not every day is perfect. It's possible that the best day of my life is behind me. However, I am confidant that there are more smiles to come in the future :)
Sorry if the picture is a repost, but it's appropriately inspirational at the moment.
Saturday, December 20, 2014
Today...
My therapist says that I should let feelings come and go as a wave would wash over me. There are lots of reasons to be emotional at this time of year for everyone. Strong emotions aren't always bad. Right now, I feel like singing. I hope you find yourself singing too. Let it happen guys and gals.
Oh boy. I feel a character defect coming on lol
Oh boy. I feel a character defect coming on lol
Friday, December 19, 2014
Wednesday, December 17, 2014
Monday, December 15, 2014
Santa Clause is coming to town... oh, wait. Yeah, there's that.
Big day on Tuesday. Wish me luck. Well, better yet, say a little prayer for me. Please. Making moves, kids. Making moves and my stomach is in my throat. Exhale.
Inhale.
Inhale!!!
As I said to Joey, my issue is the wisdom to know the difference...
Thanks, Aretha. For awhile there I forgot to smile :)
Sunday, December 14, 2014
Seasons Greetings
::edit:: This is NOT my family ::edit::
I can relate to this guy. Confident enough to include a special someone in your family's Christmas card only to look foolish afterwards. How far in advance do you think the family took that picture? 2 weeks, maybe 3 before mailing? How fuckin weird would it be to get this card in the mail? Ya gottah be careful with this type of shit, people. It doesn't matter how the break up went down. No one is family until they are recognized as such by God and state ;)
Have a great day.
With Love,
Tom
Saturday, December 13, 2014
Thursday, December 11, 2014
It's not stonehenge, but you're on the right track
Don't show up empty handed when someone invites you over for the holidays. Bring something yummy such as this classic dessert.
Wednesday, December 10, 2014
Monday, December 1, 2014
We must allow change to happen
Tonight I had a conversation with someone about our "relationship." At the suggestion of my therapist, I drew a clear line for this woman about what I was capable of giving her. Not just right now... ever. I wasn't mean. I can say what I mean with out being mean. I needed to make sure that she understood I don't want to be in her way and I won't allow her to be in mine. She immediately became defensive and stated that she didn't mean to imply that she required a commitment. I explained that she didn't do anything of the sort and that my concern was that this was floating around, but unsaid. She started crying and told me a bunch of personal information about herself. Afterwards, I think her openness made her feel weak. We soon parted ways for the evening.
Why is it that good intentions sometimes meet with negative reactions? I can only speculate that our intentions do not match up to what others want. I wanted to be open and honest. No games or misunderstandings. She would prefer to leave things unsaid. I don't believe that she had absolutely no hope or expectation of more. Maybe she would have been okay never having a direct conversation about a future, but it didn't sit right with me. Let me be clear that it is okay to want commitment. Had she told me that she couldn't move forward with out a commitment I would have understood. In having this conversation with her I was ready for my stance to be a deal breaker and would have walked away with out hard feelings. My goal was to put how I felt on the table and make sure she acknowledged what I could commit to. When I was with Panthea, I thought that we had a possibility for a future because I didn't listen when she told me otherwise. I will not allow that same thing to happen to anyone else who has a "relationship" with me. False hope is a lie. It cuts just as deep as direct deception. It is up to us to let our partner know exactly where they stand. Good or bad. Love or otherwise.
This was not a comfortable conversation for me. I like this person and enjoy spending time with her. I had no desire to hurt her... which is why I told her now rather than at some point down the line. I could have avoided this uncomfortable conversation, but that's not who I am anymore. My gut told me that I needed to do this, my support system confirmed it, and I did it. I'm responsible for my actions. To keep my side of the street clean. It's the only way I can know my God's will. When I clog my mind and my spirit with self deception and fail to dig down to the exact nature of my reasons I lose sight of God's will for me. I spend my time trying to convince myself of something rather than putting all of my energy into following the path that feels right. Yes, feels right. That doesn't mean the easy path. It's not always easy to do what is right... nor are the repercussions of doing what is right always easy.
Some of us are never wrong and therefore never feel the need to apologize. We're so confident in the certainty of our actions that our reactions to others, who don't see things our way, borders on condescension. When we mature that changes. We see our faulty reactions for the mistakes they are and try to make amends for how we expressed our emotions. In the recovery process we will form relationships with people who eventually trust us with the details of the mistakes they have made in their lives. If we are far enough along in our process we empathize with their guilt and shame. We do not judge them for their past. Eventually it sinks in that we too can let go of our guilt and shame as we have encouraged others to do. That we also qualify for compassion and forgiveness of our past actions as well. We must allow change to happen. We can try to check our reactions with our support system, but we will only gain honest feedback by telling the whole truth including the exact nature of our reasons for feeling this way. Yes, the openness will make us uncomfortable. Yes, we may uncover a few contradictions in our lives, but this is how we move forward. We push through the fear of how others may view us and get down to what truly exists. Make no mistake, this is always an uncomfortable place. We cannot live in conflict. When we find contradictions we must examine them and eliminate them. In time we will see that state of being is our bedrock and this real truth is the only thing we can build upon.
Why is it that good intentions sometimes meet with negative reactions? I can only speculate that our intentions do not match up to what others want. I wanted to be open and honest. No games or misunderstandings. She would prefer to leave things unsaid. I don't believe that she had absolutely no hope or expectation of more. Maybe she would have been okay never having a direct conversation about a future, but it didn't sit right with me. Let me be clear that it is okay to want commitment. Had she told me that she couldn't move forward with out a commitment I would have understood. In having this conversation with her I was ready for my stance to be a deal breaker and would have walked away with out hard feelings. My goal was to put how I felt on the table and make sure she acknowledged what I could commit to. When I was with Panthea, I thought that we had a possibility for a future because I didn't listen when she told me otherwise. I will not allow that same thing to happen to anyone else who has a "relationship" with me. False hope is a lie. It cuts just as deep as direct deception. It is up to us to let our partner know exactly where they stand. Good or bad. Love or otherwise.
This was not a comfortable conversation for me. I like this person and enjoy spending time with her. I had no desire to hurt her... which is why I told her now rather than at some point down the line. I could have avoided this uncomfortable conversation, but that's not who I am anymore. My gut told me that I needed to do this, my support system confirmed it, and I did it. I'm responsible for my actions. To keep my side of the street clean. It's the only way I can know my God's will. When I clog my mind and my spirit with self deception and fail to dig down to the exact nature of my reasons I lose sight of God's will for me. I spend my time trying to convince myself of something rather than putting all of my energy into following the path that feels right. Yes, feels right. That doesn't mean the easy path. It's not always easy to do what is right... nor are the repercussions of doing what is right always easy.
Some of us are never wrong and therefore never feel the need to apologize. We're so confident in the certainty of our actions that our reactions to others, who don't see things our way, borders on condescension. When we mature that changes. We see our faulty reactions for the mistakes they are and try to make amends for how we expressed our emotions. In the recovery process we will form relationships with people who eventually trust us with the details of the mistakes they have made in their lives. If we are far enough along in our process we empathize with their guilt and shame. We do not judge them for their past. Eventually it sinks in that we too can let go of our guilt and shame as we have encouraged others to do. That we also qualify for compassion and forgiveness of our past actions as well. We must allow change to happen. We can try to check our reactions with our support system, but we will only gain honest feedback by telling the whole truth including the exact nature of our reasons for feeling this way. Yes, the openness will make us uncomfortable. Yes, we may uncover a few contradictions in our lives, but this is how we move forward. We push through the fear of how others may view us and get down to what truly exists. Make no mistake, this is always an uncomfortable place. We cannot live in conflict. When we find contradictions we must examine them and eliminate them. In time we will see that state of being is our bedrock and this real truth is the only thing we can build upon.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)