I'm not that powerful

Someone once told me that I don't deserve what I have and I didn't believe it until the last few days. Why do I have the blessings that I do? Why didn't I share what was given so freely to me with this guy? Am I that fucking selfish and self centered that somewhere inside me I judged this kid?

I'm told that I have no influence on another person's choices or behaviors... that I'm not that powerful. Bullshit! Well, he didn't reach out to you.... And I didn't reach out to him!! I needed people to love me in order to stay around. I needed to know that someone gave a shit about me. I didn't give that to him. He's dead now and that's a fact. Could I have helped him? I'll never know because I did nothing and he's fuckin' dead.

The wake is from 2-4 and I'm trying to gather myself up enough to go. I haven't been to work in 2 days and I'm a mess. I don't know why but everything on my body hurts... my neck, shoulders, elbows, hips, etc.

I haven't prayed in days. I'm all screwed up right now. Thanks for letting me share.