I can relate

I didn't eat lunch either...

Safe Sex

...plus, your dick could fall off or you could die and stuff.

P.S. Don't use drugs. Stay in school.

I'm tired... so tired

 

I'm not tired of sex. I don't have nearly enough sex to be tired from that. I'm just tired of being pulled in so many directions. I pray every day, but I feel as though I'm loosing the centered feeling that I once had. I need to start reading again. Socializing is great, but I need to focus on my recovery more than I have been lately.

Work is busy enough that I can fill my day, but I haven't done much to further the business for over a month. I don't know why, but I feel run down. I don't think it's the cigs, because I actually saw my mood increase overall when I stopped smoking. 

My effort level is that of someone who has grown complacent. I know I shouldn't be satisfied with what I'm doing right now. I have this feeling that I'm falling behind. That's a bad sign. That's my old shit kicking up again. Business wise, we're ahead of last year. I know that won't always be the case if I don't focus on growth through expanding our product mix. In the last 6 months there has been growth in my spirit through the reading and step work of NA, but this is an ongoing process and I need to move forward. I can not stay where I am in this process and expect my life to become what I believe it can be. Changes are difficult. Work requires effort. I know that I have reaped all the benefits from what I have done up to this point. If I want more from my life I'm going to have to do more.

For me, it's not just one day at a time, it's one thing at a time. I will pick one work project and one recovery project and move forward from here. I can only know joy when I'm happy with myself. I can be happy with myself when I feel productive. God, please grant me the strength and courage to move forward through fear and doubt so that I may know the peace and feel the love that comes from having an honest connection with You. Please Lord, help me to make use of the opportunities that you've blessed me with rather than taking them for granted. I will work towards a place of gratitude and respect for what you have provided. I know that my proper place is one of growth. I must live in today... make use of today in order to achieve what You have in store for me. Thanks for Your infinite patience.

Das Jesus Christ Mess'd Up

You must have the sound turned up from the beginning...

I need science to fix dat shit.

I'm needin to find me a white nigga who has a lot of money who's willing to pay for my tits.

You don't hang out with any gorillas do you?

Did you ever meet anybody who has enough charisma as me... my shit is rigorous.

You like ass pussy? I only eat meat so my ass don't stink.

I always liked basketball, but then I'd go into the locker room and I realized that I wanted to suck all those dicks.

Fantastic. Like +1

Ocean City NA Convention

We're leaving for Ocean City in a few hours and I'm super excited.

A weekend of recovery with my peepz.

By the way... staying at the Hilton for the weekend... yeah, I'm ballin' :)

Thanks, God. Good stuff.

The other side of addiction

Someone I know is caught up in the grip of our disease. I haven't been on this side of the disease in a long time and it's shown me some things. At first, it was something he could hide. It's easy to drop a ball or two when you get your life back. He started working full time, he's taking 10 college credits, recently got engaged, and had service commitments at the group level. That's a lot to handle with less than 6 months clean so everyone cuts you slack if you miss a meeting or two because you tell us that you're tired. The problem is that he wasn't tired from these activities, he was tired because he was trying to do all of that and dabbling with drugs at the same time. The more you have going on... the faster the balls drop when you start to use.

In less than 3 months he has gone from someone I'd want to date my sister to a lying manipulative abusive addict... it's par for the course, kids. Last night I listened to him talk about all the reasons he needed to get help and follow that up with why he couldn't take the help right now. How all he needed was to get through another 3 weeks and then he's be able to go to rehab. How he was just taking opiates, even though we could see the fresh track marks in his arm... how he needed to keep earning money for bills, even though we knew from his fiance (who works full time) that they have plenty of money to get through the next few months... that his life was manageable, even though he got rough with her the night before due to an argument about his being high - that he had cash advanced the credit card to their credit limit so he could buy drugs - how he had term papers to finish that she told us he hadn't even started - that he just wanted to get high one more time before going to detox. All of this with a straight face. We confronted him on each lie. His mouth dropped and he got back in his car and left us standing there.

This is addiction. As my amazing sponsor once so bluntly put it: "When I'm using, I'm so caught up in my obsession and compulsion that YOU just don't exist. I'm the most self centered mother fucker that you've ever have met!"

Straight up and down. It's a wrap.

I'm sorry to everyone who ever listened to me and wanted to know the truth and only got lies.

Sigh.

Love you all... I have 1,937 days clean today because of everyone who has loved me.

I like my beard

Having been both a lumberjack and badass in my past, I graciously accept being part of the 98%! Hahahaha

Click here to see the original post from the author's site. (It's bigger and more legible)

Owned

Random picture that I received today... I hope it's real.

Oh, how the mighty have fallen. Been there.

Where does my focus belong?

When I'm not really grounded I've learned that it's important to identify the feeling. For the past few months I've been able to accomplish this with some regularity. That's due to step work and I'm grateful. I want to be grateful for my blessings, but the last few days I'm really a jumble. I've lost my conscious contact with God. I don't know what to pray for.. relief from what? Strength to do what?  I feel like I'm being pulled in so many directions. I want to be near other people, but I want to observe instead of interact. I want to go to home, but I don't want to be alone. I want to cry, but I don't want to be sad.

Too much is going on to process it all. Mike died and I didn't do a thing for him to try and prevent it. I'm fuckin fat again. My parents are here. The only guy who I know that knew Mike is someone that I don't really like. My mom needs another blood transfusion. We're leaving for Ocean City a week from today. I missed the open mike this week and it's one of my favorite things to do so I'm missing a little of the buoyant feeling it provides. I'm not blind... I know she really likes me, but her insides aren't nearly as appealing as her outside so stop trying to push me towards something I'm not comfortable doing. I ripped a fairly new shirt. We're making a lot of money so far this year. I haven't read any recovery stuff in about 2 weeks and I feel like I'm regressing a little. Liberty is coming along nicely. I still want to smoke. I really miss Panthea's hugs. My home is kinda dirty and I wasted $400 in living social stuff for house cleaning because I forgot to use it. I've had a headache for over 24 hours and my eyes are blood shot. I need to put old pictures away because I look at them too much when I'm down. The last thing I said to my Grandpa was, "I can't talk now. I'll call you back." I thought about drinking recently. Even though my family is up here right now, I still have the feeling of missing them because they leave tomorrow. I'm busy and yet I feel so unproductive. On Monday I spent hours watching television holding a tiny stuffed giraffe.

  

The only thing I really felt comfortable doing the past 4 days was hugging a fucking stuffed animal. Yeah, that's where I'm at...

I'm glad that my parents aren't on Facebook

I wasn't feeling that great today....


This first one made me smile.

The second made me laugh out loud.

You're welcome.

I'm not that powerful

Someone once told me that I don't deserve what I have and I didn't believe it until the last few days. Why do I have the blessings that I do? Why didn't I share what was given so freely to me with this guy? Am I that fucking selfish and self centered that somewhere inside me I judged this kid?

I'm told that I have no influence on another person's choices or behaviors... that I'm not that powerful. Bullshit! Well, he didn't reach out to you.... And I didn't reach out to him!! I needed people to love me in order to stay around. I needed to know that someone gave a shit about me. I didn't give that to him. He's dead now and that's a fact. Could I have helped him? I'll never know because I did nothing and he's fuckin' dead.

The wake is from 2-4 and I'm trying to gather myself up enough to go. I haven't been to work in 2 days and I'm a mess. I don't know why but everything on my body hurts... my neck, shoulders, elbows, hips, etc.

I haven't prayed in days. I'm all screwed up right now. Thanks for letting me share.

R.I.P Michael Vitta

I understand, bro. I hope your suffering is over.

PSALMS 34:8 - Taste and see that the LORD is good; blessed is the one who takes refuge in him.

It's not enough to see that recovery can work for others. We have to taste it for ourselves in order to have any chance of making any lasting change to who we are or to have a reason to stay clean. I'm sorry if you felt that I would judge you or that my lack of phone calls was a judgment. You didn't do anything that I haven't done at some point in my life. You deserved every ounce of energy that I had to give. It's my loss for not speaking to you everyday since January. I wish that I hadn't been so selfish, bro. I should have given back what was so freely given to me. I failed you in that way and I failed the most basic principle of my program.

 

I'll write more later...

I can be lost. Thankfully, my friends come and find me

We love what we love. Yes, it has flaws, but what does that matter when it comes to matters of the heart? Reason does not enter into it. In many ways, unwise love is the truest love. Anyone can love a thing because. That's as easy as putting a penny in your pocket. But to love something despite. To know the flaws and love them too. That is rare and pure and perfect. - Rothfuss

I am not rare, nor am I pure. I have no illusions of ever being perfect. Someday I hope to be perfect for someone... as a wise man once said "Love is not love, which alters when it alteration finds"

Why am I happy when I know this to be true?

The disease of addiction took another life today. Someday it may take mine. I thank God for the love I've felt and the blessings that I've known. Just for today I will be gratefully for that. A lot happens in one day, both negative and positive. If we do not take time to appreciate both, perhaps we will miss something that will help us grow. Our principles for living will guide us in recovery when we use them. We find it necessary to continue to do so on a daily basis. Part of the reason this person is dead is because he felt that he had nothing left to live for. This happens to all of us from time to time. It can happen in the blink of an eye. God please don't ever let me forget the times I have loved my life. May those memories help me to build self love and lasting self respect.