There but for the grace of God, go I

“Our Higher Power is accessible to us at all times.  We receive guidance when we ask for knowledge of God’s will for us.”

  Basic Text, p. 95

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It’s not always easy to make the right decision.  This is especially true for addicts learning to live by spiritual principles for the first time.  In addiction, we developed self-destructive, anti-social impulses.  When conflict arose, we took our cues from those negative impulses.  Our disease didn’t prepare us to make sound decisions.

Today, to find the direction we need, we ask our Higher Power.  We stop; we pray; and, quietly, we listen within for guidance.  We’ve come to believe that we can rely on a Power greater than ourselves.  That Power is accessible to us whenever we need it.  All we need do is pray for knowledge of our God’s will for us and the power to carry it out.

Each time we do this, each time we find direction amidst our confusion, our faith grows.  The more we rely on our Higher Power, the easier it becomes to ask for direction.  We’ve found the Power we were lacking in our addiction, a Power that is available to us at all times.  To find the direction we need to live fully and grow spiritually, all we have to do is maintain contact with the God of our understanding.

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Just for today:  My Higher Power is a source of spiritual guidance within me that I can always draw upon.  When I lack direction today, I will ask for knowledge of my Higher Power’s will.

This is going to be a bit of ramble, but I promise I'll get to the point at the end. I've had this entry as a draft for awhile and never finished it up. It's a hodge podge of  things and I hope they all tie together by the time you're done reading this. Heeere we go!

How quickly I forget that I'm not alone in this world. It's over one year since Panthea and I broke up. It's also been over a year since we have communicated in any way. You might wonder why I bring her up so often, but she was a big part of my life. It's hard to tell my life story with out mentioning her during some part of it. Sometimes I'll look at the gazillion pictures I've taken of her or listen to a voicemail. She has a tiny little voice. I miss hearing her voice call me baby or saying my name. I admit that to myself and others. I've come to terms with the fact that it's not a bad thing to miss someone. I had a good experience with Pon. While I wasn't always good for her, more often than not she was good for me. I didn't mean to take more than I gave. In a lot of ways she was more mature than me. She taught me a lot. People notice things about me that I learned with her. I'm grateful for the whole experience, especially the last 2 years we were together.

When we broke up I was confused. I felt alone. She was the person I spoke to the most. The one I looked forward to hearing from throughout my day. When she was removed there was a void. I'd lost my friend. The break-up happened during our annual NA convention. My friends were around and they did what they could to prop me up. They kept me from sitting under the looming dark cloud. They made me smile and reminded me that I'm not alone.

In the months that have passed since then lots of things have taken place. The house and it's improvements, more therapy, the intestinal issues, new friendships have been formed, others have changed, my sister will be married soon, and almost everyone had kids hah The business has grown and changed. I've shrunk due to the intestinal issues hah. Vacations and Wings Over! I saw Pearl Jam and a bunch of other bands live. I found a new band to heart (Cold War Kids). I surprised myself by crying tears of joy the first time I had a house full of people. Why did I cry? Because if not for God's grace I would have none of these people or these things in my life.

As time passes I meet new people. While I can't say that I've gotten to know them all, I have spent more time than most would listening to these people talk about their lives. Dale Carnegie was on to something when he said that the most interesting thing people have to talk about is themselves. Some are addicts (in or out of recovery), but lately most are regular every day folks living the life of "normies." Some have hobbies and others do not. A few can play a musical instrument of some kind. A few have come to appreciate my skill at butt bongos :) Some have traveled the world while others prefer to surf the web. I spoke to a person on the phone a few time who had been to 6 of the 7 continents. I don't believe that I have a life's goal to do the same, but I would like to have pasta in Italy at some point. A few of these people are well read, but most only watch tv. I read a lot, but I'm not well read. When someone gets excited talking about a book I will most likely check it out. Sometimes the book is good on it's own while at others the material in the book often offers insight into the person who brought it up. The majority of people I've met are in a relationship of some form while others have no interest in coupling. Some have been kind and others have been cold. Some funny and some serious. Most were white and the rest were not hah ;)

As varied as these people have been very few of them have my life. They don't have the friendships I enjoy. They don't know trust or verbal intimacy. They don't have a supportive family. They don't have the security of knowing their car will start every morning or that their home heating system isn't going to break down. They don't have a career opportunity that allows them to reap rewards as a direct result of their efforts. They don't have a support system that roots for them to succeed instead of tainting the joy with envy. They don't have a God to talk to at night before they go to sleep. My life contains these things by God's grace alone.

I don't have everything any person could ever want, but I have what I want. It didn't have to be this way, but it is. I've made so many huge mistakes over the last 41 years and anyone of them could have derailed a chance of this life for good. Now add up the combination of fuck-ups put together and it's a miracle that I'm writing this... that I can smile or laugh or sleep at night at all. There have been times when I've felt that I don't deserve the life that I have now. I've hurt people. I've lied. I've stole. I've actively deceived the person who wanted to love me the most. Why do I have this life?!! Honestly, I don't know. I'm not complaining. I try show my gratitude by making use of every opportunity today. The only logical (yes, logical) explanation that I can come up with is that it's by God's grace alone. I could be any of you, but instead I'm me. Thank God.

P.S. - This wasn't meant to seem arrogant. The last sentence sort of comes off that way. The point of all of this is that I could be anyone, but I'm grateful that I'm me. When I look at you, I don't envy you. I'm just grateful that I'm me. There but for the grace of God, go I.