It's been awhile since I've actively tried to put someone else in my
heart. Dating for fun is one thing. Looking for something serious
requires more scrutiny... I know... I knoooowwww, but just allow me to
explain. I don't have expectations that the next one is going to be the
one, but we need to have a lot of common ground. It doesn't have to be perfect. I'm not looking for a clone who shares everything that I like, but there are some gottah have its regarding your lifestyle, food preferences, and TV shows hahah Yes, even TV shows. Going back into dating I thought I knew the right questions to ask. I didn't want another surprise down the road. I didn't want to waste time my time. I'm a grown up. I want certain things from another person. I've found that overall I really do enjoy
going out and meeting new people. For awhile I was pretty optimistic. Truth be told I do kind of crave the
attention right now, but having fun is different than having a
relationship.
I'm
an addict. I tell the girls that I'm an addict when I talk to them on
the phone. If she seems cool with the fact that I don't drink or use
drugs then we'll move from the phone to hanging out. No surprises,
right? I mean you'd think that with me spilling the beans about my stuff then they would share some of their stuff. This way I could make an informed choice on the phone before moving forward. Wrong:
1. We're hanging out and exchanging stories. Everything is flowing nicely. Then she tells
me that she got wasted and puked at her friend's birthday party a few
weeks prior. You're out.
Once I have to imagine holding your hair back while you puke on a
sidewalk or worse, in my house, then you're out. Drinking is fine. I've come
to terms with that. A cocktail or two. A few glasses of wine. I get it.
It's normal. Drinking until you puke is not fine.
2. I
talk to this girl on a Thursday and we make plans for a Saturday because
she has plans with her friends that Friday. We meet up and I ask, "So how
was last night?" She says, "It was fun. We went over so and so's house
and watched a movie." "What did you watch?" "We saw Lucy." How was it?"
"I don't really remember. ::laughs:: We were dabbing and I got so stoned that I ate
like 4 twinkies so it's salad for me tonight! ::laughs::" "So, basically you went
over there to smoke, not to watch the movie? ::not laughing::" "I guess." Again, I've
come to terms with the fact that people smoke pot sometimes. Is it the norm? More often than not. However, dabbing isn't something that recreational pot smokers do. It takes equipment and know how. Maybe the movie sucked and they stopped watching it. I don't know. I mean I don't
have the greatest memory anymore, but basically she got fucked up enough
to be the equivalent of puking in the toilet. Meh. You're out.
3A.
I hung out with this girl a few times before I found out this tidbit. So we're talking about going to therapy and she tells me that she has gone
in the past, but now she just takes medication. I go to therapy and I take
medication too so I ask what medicine she takes. "Xanax." Hmm.
Potentially a redflag. I'm a little deflated, but I have to dig deeper. Why are so many people
prescribed Xanax? Anyway, I digress... "That's pretty strong stuff. You take it
everyday?" "I take it when I need it." "How often do you need it?" "Like
3-4 times a week." "Oh. Wow. So like 15-20 pills a month?" "Actually it's more
like 30, because sometimes my friend and I take them for fun on the weekends when we go
out." "So you've taken it when we were hanging out?" "Um. Yes, but you couldn't tell right...?" I don't care if we hung out and stuff before. I might like you, but you're out. I get being nervous on dates, but lets not pretend fuckin' Xanax is required. See ya.
3B. The most recent candidate... we
talk about therapy and she tells me that it didn't work for her, but pot
does. "So I'm guessing that you smoke when you're anxious?" "Yeah."
"How often is that?" "Well, it's not just when I'm anxious. I'll roll a
joint if I had a crazy day at work too. ::laughs and smiles::" (She's a
beautician. Very stressful. ::rolls eyes::) "Props for actually rolling a
joint. That's a lost art. So how often do you smoke?" "I don't know.
It's not like I smoke everyday." "I'm curious. I get stressed at work a
lot too. I wish I had a way to chill sometimes. Like, this week, how
often did you smoke?" "This weeeeeeekk? I guess like two or thee times, but next
week is Valentine's Day and it's going to be busy. All the women are
going to be bitchy and rude so it's gonna be like pretty much everyday ::laughs::" Nope.
4. Another one takes medication that isn't hers. I went out and was sleepy because
I was up late reading. Sometimes I'll get caught up in a book and I'll be up
until like 4 o'clock. This has been happening more lately so I think my
sleep cycle is off. I mention this and she tells me that she doesn't
have that problem because she takes "Ambien and Roxies to go to sleep."
"You're prescribed Ambien and Roxies?" "No, I have friends who get them
so they either give it to me or I buy it." Sigh. Nope.
It's not just partying. Let's talk about food -
5. She likes guacamole, but doesn't like jalapenos or cilantro. That's not really guacamole anymore is it? It's more like mushed avocados. I don't know. This isn't a big deal, but it prevented me from enjoying the guacamole so it was noteworthy :)
6.
She doesn't like spicy foods so she won't eat guacamole (even with out jalapenos) or buffalo
wings or anything with a lot of garlic. Apparently a very sensitive pallet... How sensitive? Well, she doesn't like sauerkraut because it's too acidic. What the fuck? How have you survived on planet earth this long?
7.
She's Italian, but doesn't like broccoli rabe or pesto. Seriously? She also
doesn't like cauliflower. This seems like nothing to some people, but I love those 3
things. Maybe if other things had fallen into place, but she was also
the daily pot smoking beautician. Double out.
8. She doesn't like cheese because of the aftertaste. Really? This wasn't a date. It was on the phone, but still...
Then there's the topic of TV shows -
9. She doesn't watch much TV, but loves reality TV. Mob wives is a fav. Also the beautician chick. Triple out.
10.
She has never heard of Downton Abbey. I tell her about it. She has no
interest in "historical shows." I immediately ask her about Game of
Thrones. Same answer. Really?! It's a historical show?!? Sigh.
11. Her favorite show was Ray Donovan. That's your favorite show? Nope. Also she's the no spicy food freak.
12. A woman, who I believe was 38, gave me a little lecture about watching Breaking Bad and Sons of Anarchy because of how they glorify drugs. I appreciate your concern, but no. I'm not a kid and you're not my Mom.
Kids -
13. Lots of people over 30 have kids. I haven't dated any of them yet although I've talked to a few. My issue isn't that you have an ex-husband or baby daddy in your life. My issue is that kids are crazy. For example, yesterday I was at my sister's house. She just got a German Shepherd puppy. Puppies are cute and this little heart breaker is no exception. She's so adorable that I posted pics and a video on instagram for the world to swoon over ::hint hint like them hint hint::. So I spent the day playing with the puppy and watching her jump around literally chasing her tail. Puppies are crazy too. At some point my sister's friend came over with her kids. This chick is someone who I've dated in the past. I'm looking at her kids, dressed in her favorite color, tentatively approaching the penned up puppy and I start getting a little nostalgic. That ended after about 2 minutes. The puppy is released from the penned in area and the kids start screaming because they are afraid of the puppy. The mom is trying to explain to them that the puppy is no different than the dog they know, but they are having none of that. For the next few HOURS the kids are now penned up and isolated from the puppy. Toys are thrown / dropped off tables and demanded back through shrill screams. Food and beverage makes it's way onto the floor as well. Crazy. The pup eventually gives up trying to hang out with the tiny humans and parks herself under my legs and falls asleep. Very cute. I'm settling back in. Kids aren't so bad, right? Oh, just wait... so it's getting dark and it's time for the kids to leave. "NOOOOOOO! We want to live here!" More shrill noises. Refusal to put on hats and coats. Crying. Foot stomping. Mayhem and Insanity. Wow. You're out. Sorry, can't do it. I hope that if / when they are my own kids it'll be a different story, but for right now I would rather date an unemployed vegan crackhead with no boobs who is devastated that Parenthood went off the air.
