I talked to a few people about the shit show some of these dates have been the last month or so. I got a few different points of view. I acknowledge that I like the attention. Most of us do. It's nice to feel wanted. I also have to cop to the fact that I'm still trying to distract my longing... I'm absolutely filling an emptiness. It's not just the women. My life has been a jumble. I need to get back to work on so many levels. I'm definitely distracted. This isn't good for me in the short or long term. I thought this was what God wanted for me. I thought I was doing the right thing for my happiness. I thought because certain things were available to me then they must be good for me. I thought these were new opportunities. I was wrong. It's cliche, but happiness is an inside job. I have evidence of this in my life. I signed up for the retreat upstate next month. I need to refocus on me.
I don't know why I got so carried away with all of this lately. Maybe it's because Valentine's Day was coming up. I can't really tell why for sure right now, but I do know that I don't feel good about it. I'll talk about this in therapy later today. In the mean time, I deleted / suspended my online dating stuff except for e-harmony. I'm keeping a few numbers and I'll see where that goes because not everyone is a nut. The rest is just too much for me. I'm not okay with it. In my longing to connect my heart with a woman's I lost myself in some ways... I lost my connection with God in others.
"Each time life presents us with another little setback to our
daily plans, we can simply take a deep breath and talk to the God of our
understanding. Knowing we can draw patience, tolerance, or whatever we
need from that Power, we find ourselves coping better and smiling more
often."
I know He's there, but that's because He's always there in spite of how I behave. What the fuck happened to me in such a short period of time? Looking back at my previous posts I can sort of see it happening. The sadness growing and the frustration. I needed something different and I thought I had found it at the perfect time. Nope. This was not God's will for me. John said it best, "We don't have to go looking for God's will. When we're ready it comes to us." Contradictions will block our ability to know God's will. I'll be free when I put all this crap aside... when I have truly allowed the wave of heart ache to wash over me through acceptance of it all. Mom and Pon. I was about to say, "It's a lot to take in.", but it's actually a lot to let go. Letting go leaves me empty and I wasn't spiritually ready to let God fill that void. Like I said, I have work to do. I climbed the wrong mountain. It's time to get back on track.
