I've got the power

 

The Wankband by PornHub.

It's real.

It's genius.

Charge your phone, tablet, or computer during solo-sexy time.

It's unisex.

Now the power is in your hands...

I know. I know. Alright, already.

Where to begin...

What began as, what I anticipated to be, a simple job of swapping out the sound processor in my truck became a 6 hour event in the wet Home Depot parking lot. Thankfully my friend was with me to help out. I currently live in a condo so I don't have a garage or a driveway to work / tinker from. Instead, we uninstalled the sub box and amplifiers and stuffed them into his car to keep them dry. Consider that the sub box is built for my full size SUV and he has a mid size car... yeah, it was a miracle. That's the hard part, right? Wrong. Technology decided to fuck me too. The software that the sound processor runs on isn't very friendly with Windows 8. It took 2 hours and web forum work arounds to get it on his computer. Why use his computer? Well, because the software doesn't run on a mac. I'm so glad I bought this fuckin computer... MacBook Pro? I am not... moving on now and we reinstall the equipment, but the new processor will not take the old tune from the previous processor. This may not seem like a big deal, but I spent hours and hours tweaking that tune so I didn't want to lose it. Anyway, more hours of frustration follow and we give up loading the old tune. By now we're over 5 hours into this and I've had it so I put together a half ass tune. Frankly, it sounds like shit... loud which is what thousands of watts does all by itself and like shit which is the result of a 20 minute tune. Tomorrow is a new day.

During the stereo shit show, I was vaping like a mad man and I hadn't eaten in over 24 hours. My fuckin heart was beating out of my chest which basically had me looking up every 30 minutes asking God "why?" I finally get home and the dalliance that was planned falls through because it's now the evening instead of the early afternoon... sigh. I was all out of sorts. I have some salad from a bag and black olives that Panthea bought years ago, but gratefully don't expire until 2017!! Small victories. The food helped, but the break from nicotine poisoning probably did more.

After a load and some laundry, I settle in for a movie. I'm just starting to wind down and the phone rings so I dump the whole story on my friend, John. He says to me, "Why did you pick today to do the install? It snowed this morning." Well, I bought the new processor yesterday and I wanted to get it installed." Oh, so the old one finally stopped turning on?" "No, but I wanted to get it done in time for the retreat." "But the retreat isn't until the middle of March..." "Right." "So, basically you wanted instant gratification. Didn't you read the just for today?" "Yes, I read the title... It said, God's will or mine?" "Exactly."

Wow.

You can find everything you seek

Check this out

Forget song lyrics... I'll have another round of what she's having!

My therapist said love with out the other stuff is a friendship. Don't second guess yourself if sex means more to you than her ability to cook. This fuckin' blew me away. ::real talk::

Gotta get that cheese

Parmiiiiaaaggggaaannnnooooo

Interesting article linked above: 430,000 wheels of cheese weighing 37,840,000 pounds worth approximately $250 million (as of 2013)?! That's just crazy stuff. The fact that the bank has been doing this since before Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel ceiling is awe inspiring. Oh, Mr. Medici... you rascal.

It goes both ways

Some days just aren't the way we wish they would be.  Our problems may be as simple as a broken shoelace or having to stand in line at the supermarket.  Or we may experience something far more serious, such as the loss of a job, a home, or a loved one.  Either way, we often end up looking for a way to avoid our feelings instead of simply acknowledging that those feelings are painful.

No one promises us that everything will go our way when we stop using.  In fact, we can be sure that life will go on whether we're using or not.  We will face good days and bad days, comfortable feelings and painful feelings.  But we don't have to run from any of them any longer.

We can experience pain, grief, sadness, anger, frustration -- all those feelings we once avoided with drugs.  We find that we can get through those emotions clean.  We won't die and the world won't come to an end just because we have uncomfortable feelings.  We learn to trust that we can survive what each day brings.

__________

Just for today:  I will demonstrate my trust in God by experiencing this day just as it is.

Wings over, a few movies, laughs, smiles, other things... ;)

I am learning to be present and enjoy the moment as it is. Each day I have have peace in my heart is a step closer to God's will for me. The present isn't more or less than it is supposed to be as long as I follow the path. Here come the cliches: Keep moving. Mistakes will be made. It's okay to realize that you lost your way. Adjust. Fail better.

I swear it's a journey. Life may not be easy, but it is full of everything you want as long as you keep moving. Take defeat in stride and laugh at yourself. Don't stop. Chin up and don't forget to smile. It's okay to aspire, but God wants us to do more than that... Climb the mountain.

I have to say, it was a good day.

Valentine's Day

February 14th... sometimes it's just another day. #keeptellingyourselfthat

One of the most difficult things for me is signing a card for an occasion like this without writing love before my name. It seems pointless. Then again, love without the other stuff is pointless too.

Love is so short, forgetting is so long... -Pablo Neruda aka Big Papa

Deep breath.

Tonight it will snow. That perfect night it rained. I guess everything has grown colder since then...

Do dreams come true?

I had dinner with a friend of mine last night. After dinner we hung out in the parking lot for a bit while the cars warmed up. We're sitting in my truck and at some point, "Turn down for what" comes up in my playlist. I put the sub box back in the truck a few weeks ago and this song really bumps so I turn it all the way up. I few minutes into the song there is a knock at the passenger side window. I see a person standing there so I lower the radio and roll down the window. After a quick conversation, we learn that the music set off his car alarm. This is a dream come true for me and I could feel the smile spreading across my face. (Yes, I'm a child in some ways...) He was a good sport about everything, but when he walked away he said, "Next time, play better music. That song sucks."

I woke up to my phone alarms going off.

I played the song on my way to work and apparently dream guy is right... the beat is great, but the song sucks. I have a social responsibility to play better music if I'm going to broadcast it at 110dB. Thanks, God :)

New look same great flavor

Since change is in the air I decided to mix up the look of this blog a bit. I love the color orange, but having that as a background combined with the blue text wasn't very easy to read. Hopefully this makes some of the longer posts less tiresome to plod through.

Hope you like it.

Along with the look, there have been some format changes as well. No more pretty pictures on the side until I can figure out how to do it with out ads. Also, I have removed my e-mail address from my blogger profile, but added comments to posts from here on out. If you want to say something then send a comment. You'll have to include your e-mail address if you want me to write you back for any reason.

And for giggles I leave you with an avatar that my perfect woman would have -

Feminine and cute yet naughty. Wifey material on so many levels :)

Okay. That is all. Carry on...

For the latest post, click here

Fuck it

I talked to a few people about the shit show some of these dates have been the last month or so. I got a few different points of view. I acknowledge that I like the attention. Most of us do. It's nice to feel wanted. I also have to cop to the fact that I'm still trying to distract my longing... I'm absolutely filling an emptiness. It's not just the women. My life has been a jumble. I need to get back to work on so many levels. I'm definitely distracted. This isn't good for me in the short or long term. I thought this was what God wanted for me. I thought I was doing the right thing for my happiness. I thought because certain things were available to me then they must be good for me. I thought these were new opportunities. I was wrong. It's cliche, but happiness is an inside job. I have evidence of this in my life. I signed up for the retreat upstate next month. I need to refocus on me.

I don't know why I got so carried away with all of this lately. Maybe it's because Valentine's Day was coming up. I can't really tell why for sure right now, but I do know that I don't feel good about it.  I'll talk about this in therapy later today. In the mean time, I deleted / suspended my online dating stuff except for e-harmony. I'm keeping a few numbers and I'll see where that goes because not everyone is a nut. The rest is just too much for me. I'm not okay with it. In my longing to connect my heart with a woman's I lost myself in some ways... I lost my connection with God in others.

"Each time life presents us with another little setback to our daily plans, we can simply take a deep breath and talk to the God of our understanding.  Knowing we can draw patience, tolerance, or whatever we need from that Power, we find ourselves coping better and smiling more often."

I know He's there, but that's because He's always there in spite of how I behave. What the fuck happened to me in such a short period of time? Looking back at my previous posts I can sort of see it happening. The sadness growing and the frustration. I needed something different and I thought I had found it at the perfect time. Nope. This was not God's will for me. John said it best, "We don't have to go looking for God's will. When we're ready it comes to us." Contradictions will block our ability to know God's will. I'll be free when I put all this crap aside... when I have truly allowed the wave of heart ache to wash over me through acceptance of it all. Mom and Pon. I was about to say, "It's a lot to take in.", but it's actually a lot to let go. Letting go leaves me empty and I wasn't spiritually ready to let God fill that void. Like I said, I have work to do. I climbed the wrong mountain. It's time to get back on track.

So all of this shit happened too

It's been awhile since I've actively tried to put someone else in my heart. Dating for fun is one thing. Looking for something serious requires more scrutiny... I know... I knoooowwww, but just allow me to explain. I don't have expectations that the next one is going to be the one, but we need to have a lot of common ground. It doesn't have to be perfect. I'm not looking for a clone who shares everything that I like, but there are some gottah have its regarding your lifestyle, food preferences, and TV shows hahah Yes, even TV shows. Going back into dating I thought I knew the right questions to ask. I didn't want another surprise down the road. I didn't want to waste time my time. I'm a grown up. I want certain things from another person. I've found that overall I really do enjoy going out and meeting new people. For awhile I was pretty optimistic. Truth be told I do kind of crave the attention right now, but having fun is different than having a relationship.

I'm an addict. I tell the girls that I'm an addict when I talk to them on the phone. If she seems cool with the fact that I don't drink or use drugs then we'll move from the phone to hanging out. No surprises, right? I mean you'd think that with me spilling the beans about my stuff then they would share some of their stuff. This way I could make an informed choice on the phone before moving forward. Wrong:

1. We're hanging out and exchanging stories. Everything is flowing nicely. Then she tells me that she got wasted and puked at her friend's birthday party a few weeks prior. You're out. Once I have to imagine holding your hair back while you puke on a sidewalk or worse, in my house, then you're out. Drinking is fine. I've come to terms with that. A cocktail or two. A few glasses of wine. I get it. It's normal. Drinking until you puke is not fine.

2. I talk to this girl on a Thursday and we make plans for a Saturday because she has plans with her friends that Friday. We meet up and I ask, "So how was last night?" She says, "It was fun. We went over so and so's house and watched a movie." "What did you watch?" "We saw Lucy." How was it?" "I don't really remember. ::laughs:: We were dabbing and I got so stoned that I ate like 4 twinkies so it's salad for me tonight! ::laughs::" "So, basically you went over there to smoke, not to watch the movie? ::not laughing::" "I guess." Again, I've come to terms with the fact that people smoke pot sometimes. Is it the norm? More often than not. However, dabbing isn't something that recreational pot smokers do. It takes equipment and know how. Maybe the movie sucked and they stopped watching it. I don't know. I mean I don't have the greatest memory anymore, but basically she got fucked up enough to be the equivalent of puking in the toilet. Meh. You're out.

3A. I hung out with this girl a few times before I found out this tidbit. So we're talking about going to therapy and she tells me that she has gone in the past, but now she just takes medication. I go to therapy and I take medication too so I ask what medicine she takes. "Xanax." Hmm. Potentially a redflag. I'm a little deflated, but I have to dig deeper. Why are so many people prescribed Xanax? Anyway, I digress... "That's pretty strong stuff. You take it everyday?" "I take it when I need it." "How often do you need it?" "Like 3-4 times a week." "Oh. Wow. So like 15-20 pills a month?" "Actually it's more like 30, because sometimes my friend and I take them for fun on the weekends when we go out." "So you've taken it when we were hanging out?" "Um. Yes, but you couldn't tell right...?" I don't care if we hung out and stuff before. I might like you, but you're out. I get being nervous on dates, but lets not pretend fuckin' Xanax is required. See ya.

3B. The most recent candidate... we talk about therapy and she tells me that it didn't work for her, but pot does. "So I'm guessing that you smoke when you're anxious?" "Yeah." "How often is that?" "Well, it's not just when I'm anxious. I'll roll a joint if I had a crazy day at work too. ::laughs and smiles::" (She's a beautician. Very stressful. ::rolls eyes::) "Props for actually rolling a joint. That's a lost art. So how often do you smoke?" "I don't know. It's not like I smoke everyday." "I'm curious. I get stressed at work a lot too. I wish I had a way to chill sometimes. Like, this week, how often did you smoke?" "This weeeeeeekk? I guess like two or thee times, but next week is Valentine's Day and it's going to be busy. All the women are going to be bitchy and rude so it's gonna be like pretty much everyday ::laughs::" Nope.

4. Another one takes medication that isn't hers. I went out and was sleepy because I was up late reading. Sometimes I'll get caught up in a book and I'll be up until like 4 o'clock. This has been happening more lately so I think my sleep cycle is off. I mention this and she tells me that she doesn't have that problem because she takes "Ambien and Roxies to go to sleep." "You're prescribed Ambien and Roxies?" "No, I have friends who get them so they either give it to me or I buy it." Sigh. Nope.

It's not just partying. Let's talk about food -

5. She likes guacamole, but doesn't like jalapenos or cilantro. That's not really guacamole anymore is it? It's more like mushed avocados. I don't know. This isn't a big deal, but it prevented me from enjoying the guacamole so it was noteworthy :)

6. She doesn't like spicy foods so she won't eat guacamole (even with out jalapenos) or buffalo wings or anything with a lot of garlic. Apparently a very sensitive pallet... How sensitive? Well, she doesn't like sauerkraut because it's too acidic. What the fuck? How have you survived on planet earth this long?

7. She's Italian, but doesn't like broccoli rabe or pesto. Seriously? She also doesn't like cauliflower. This seems like nothing to some people, but I love those 3 things. Maybe if other things had fallen into place, but she was also the daily pot smoking beautician. Double out.

8. She doesn't like cheese because of the aftertaste. Really? This wasn't a date. It was on the phone, but still...

Then there's the topic of TV shows -

9. She doesn't watch much TV, but loves reality TV. Mob wives is a fav. Also the beautician chick. Triple out.

10. She has never heard of Downton Abbey. I tell her about it. She has no interest in "historical shows." I immediately ask her about Game of Thrones. Same answer. Really?! It's a historical show?!? Sigh.

11. Her favorite show was Ray Donovan. That's your favorite show? Nope. Also she's the no spicy food freak.

12. A woman, who I believe was 38, gave me a little lecture about watching Breaking Bad and Sons of Anarchy because of how they glorify drugs. I appreciate your concern, but no. I'm not a kid and you're not my Mom.

Kids -

13. Lots of people over 30 have kids. I haven't dated any of them yet although I've talked to a few. My issue isn't that you have an ex-husband or baby daddy in your life. My issue is that kids are crazy. For example, yesterday I was at my sister's house. She just got a German Shepherd puppy. Puppies are cute and this little heart breaker is no exception. She's so adorable that I posted pics and a video on instagram for the world to swoon over ::hint hint like them hint hint::. So I spent the day playing with the puppy and watching her jump around literally chasing her tail. Puppies are crazy too. At some point my sister's friend came over with her kids. This chick is someone who I've dated in the past. I'm looking at her kids, dressed in her favorite color, tentatively approaching the penned up puppy and I start getting a little nostalgic. That ended after about 2 minutes. The puppy is released from the penned in area and the kids start screaming because they are afraid of the puppy. The mom is trying to explain to them that the puppy is no different than the dog they know, but they are having none of that. For the next few HOURS the kids are now penned up and isolated from the puppy. Toys are thrown  / dropped off tables and demanded back through shrill screams. Food and beverage makes it's way onto the floor as well. Crazy. The pup eventually gives up trying to hang out with the tiny humans and parks herself under my legs and falls asleep. Very cute. I'm settling back in. Kids aren't so bad, right? Oh, just wait... so it's getting dark and it's time for the kids to leave. "NOOOOOOO! We want to live here!" More shrill noises. Refusal to put on hats and coats. Crying. Foot stomping. Mayhem and Insanity. Wow. You're out. Sorry, can't do it. I hope that if / when they are my own kids it'll be a different story, but for right now I would rather date an unemployed vegan crackhead with no boobs who is devastated that Parenthood went off the air.

Soul mates

Birds of a feather...

Does it matter?

 

Sound required!

#higherpower

#theexactopposite

Wings and things

So after a bunch of phone calls, bribes offered and REJECTED (psh!!), and some begging and pleading in person, we finally got 100 wings... from Croxleys. The anxiety over trying to get chicken wings the afternoon of the Super Bowl was on par with trying to buy beer from a convenience store after 2AM on a Saturday night / Sunday morning haha

We didn't eat all 100 wings, but gave it our best effort. They were perfect after a some time in the oven to reheat and crisp up. The sauces were outstanding. The effort and the result were well worth it.

Despite the carby (sp?) temptations all around me I stayed on plan aside from splurging on a few glasses of Diet Coke. Unfortunately, I forgot to take magnesium last night before I went to bed so I'm all jammed up today. I don't know if all the food is going to stall me in the future, but I can tell you with 100% certainty that I consumed about 3 pounds of chicken wings, cocktail shrimp, guacamole, and cheese yesterday :)

Points for effort?

Nope.

Richard and I felt the same way by the end.