You have been weighed, You have been measured, and You have been found wanting

The self centered nature of my addiction is simple: When things don't go my way I'm left feeling that I'm not worth it. "It" being the effort, time, love, trouble, etc. I take disappointments very hard because I take them as a reflection that I'm not good enough. Tonight Panthea told me that she doesn't know if there is a reason to communicate with me anymore. She didn't say it in a hurtful way. It was such a matter of fact statement that all I could say was, "Wow."

I'm as grown up as I can be. I understand that feelings or lack of them can't be debated. Discussions can be had about an idea or conclusion, but not feelings. I wanted to be okay with her decision. I wanted to be strong and know that my feelings of being less than would pass, but at that moment I just couldn't. A piece of me shattered inside. I tried to plead my case. I tried to remind her that I was good enough, that I was lovable, that I was worth her efforts. My disease was running rampant. It told me that after spending time with me the last 5 months, she decided that I wasn't worth her time anymore. We got off the phone and I just lost it. 

While I was sitting in my self pity and borderline hysteria (no joke, I can cry with the best of them), the car filled up with people. It was obvious that I was distressed and the love that I received was beyond anything that I expected. We love each other until we learn how to love ourselves. In this case we remind each other until we remember to love ourselves.

I'm sorry, Baby. I can only be who I am today. I can only show you my love today. I can't take back things that I've done to you, to our families, and to us. There is no plea to make. I'm guilty as charged. Thank you for being my companion these past few months. I hope that through the time spent I was able to help you in some way. You've let go of something that you've outgrown. Please, dispose of the house key in an appropriate manner.