Lonely vs Alone

There is a part of me that is lonely. I'm not alone and haven't been in a very long time, but I realize that I have a longing for a connection with a specific person. No matter how many laughs I experience or arms that hold me in various ways there is this desire to have those experiences with someone other than who I was with at the time. It's the longing that creates confusion and clutter.... and last night it caused me pain.

In the past 3 months I haven't had to long for much. Last night I did something that I had never done before and came face to face with something that I never wanted to find out, let alone at 4AM after a day of longing. 4 cars in the driveway when there are usually only 3. Why am I the one who is usually the last to move on? Why do I stay with something that once worked well until it is apparent to everyone else that it's not working for me anymore? I gained 60 pounds in 3 months... food isn't working, bro. Put down the ice cream. I've been smoking 3 packs of cigarettes every day for a week and a half... that isn't working either. Buy a pack of gum.

It's time to stop coping with the internal issues through the consumption of things and other people's emotions.... ah, the insights and discoveries that come with Step 4 through the love and care of a Higher Power. There's a saying that goes, "If you can't help then don't hurt." Last night I learned that if it doesn't help then it's probably going to hurt. Other than prolonging a delusion, what did I think was going to happen? What purpose does this longing serve? I'm not mad or sad. I have no right to be so at least my emotions are in proper order (about this anyway, lol). What I am is guilty of creating, encouraging, and prolonging my own problems. Sigh, it only took me 37 years to make this discovery. Well, every morning is a chance to start over so here I go again.... God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can (me!), and the wisdom to know the difference.

Peace out, yo... and peace inside where you can find it, dawg.