I Heart You

Seriously. I'd take two of these over a bowl of ice cream anytime:

 

I like most fruits. I don't care for blueberries or raspberries or snozberries in a bowl or in a muffin. However, I friggin' heart this yogurt like whoa. If I don't eat lunch then I'll have one instead. If I have lunch then I'll have one after my salad for dinner. If you haven't tried this then you're missing out. It is that good. Period.

And for those that like the original Willy Wonka movie as much as I do -

Brother Ray...

Maaannn, why do you always know what to say to blow me away?

"Love is brief: forgetting lasts so long" -Neruda

By the way, I think Neruda lied at the end of that one.

You have been weighed, You have been measured, and You have been found wanting

The self centered nature of my addiction is simple: When things don't go my way I'm left feeling that I'm not worth it. "It" being the effort, time, love, trouble, etc. I take disappointments very hard because I take them as a reflection that I'm not good enough. Tonight Panthea told me that she doesn't know if there is a reason to communicate with me anymore. She didn't say it in a hurtful way. It was such a matter of fact statement that all I could say was, "Wow."

I'm as grown up as I can be. I understand that feelings or lack of them can't be debated. Discussions can be had about an idea or conclusion, but not feelings. I wanted to be okay with her decision. I wanted to be strong and know that my feelings of being less than would pass, but at that moment I just couldn't. A piece of me shattered inside. I tried to plead my case. I tried to remind her that I was good enough, that I was lovable, that I was worth her efforts. My disease was running rampant. It told me that after spending time with me the last 5 months, she decided that I wasn't worth her time anymore. We got off the phone and I just lost it. 

While I was sitting in my self pity and borderline hysteria (no joke, I can cry with the best of them), the car filled up with people. It was obvious that I was distressed and the love that I received was beyond anything that I expected. We love each other until we learn how to love ourselves. In this case we remind each other until we remember to love ourselves.

I'm sorry, Baby. I can only be who I am today. I can only show you my love today. I can't take back things that I've done to you, to our families, and to us. There is no plea to make. I'm guilty as charged. Thank you for being my companion these past few months. I hope that through the time spent I was able to help you in some way. You've let go of something that you've outgrown. Please, dispose of the house key in an appropriate manner.

President's Day.

I'm off today and looking for something to do...

Step work

Laundry

Clean the fish tank

Sci-Fi reading

or something interactive and entertaining?!

I need to plan for days off better. Weekend plans seem to just develop as they progress, but a weekday off is special. I'm looking for ideas... anyone?... Bueller? 

Well until then, there are always tons of game shows -

Boys and their toyz

Wait until 1:25... too fuckin' funny.

Damn you, Ray Charles ;)

So I'm writting and listening to Pandora when...

It's a timeless sweet song, Ray. Thank you. R.I.P. 

Lonely vs Alone

There is a part of me that is lonely. I'm not alone and haven't been in a very long time, but I realize that I have a longing for a connection with a specific person. No matter how many laughs I experience or arms that hold me in various ways there is this desire to have those experiences with someone other than who I was with at the time. It's the longing that creates confusion and clutter.... and last night it caused me pain.

In the past 3 months I haven't had to long for much. Last night I did something that I had never done before and came face to face with something that I never wanted to find out, let alone at 4AM after a day of longing. 4 cars in the driveway when there are usually only 3. Why am I the one who is usually the last to move on? Why do I stay with something that once worked well until it is apparent to everyone else that it's not working for me anymore? I gained 60 pounds in 3 months... food isn't working, bro. Put down the ice cream. I've been smoking 3 packs of cigarettes every day for a week and a half... that isn't working either. Buy a pack of gum.

It's time to stop coping with the internal issues through the consumption of things and other people's emotions.... ah, the insights and discoveries that come with Step 4 through the love and care of a Higher Power. There's a saying that goes, "If you can't help then don't hurt." Last night I learned that if it doesn't help then it's probably going to hurt. Other than prolonging a delusion, what did I think was going to happen? What purpose does this longing serve? I'm not mad or sad. I have no right to be so at least my emotions are in proper order (about this anyway, lol). What I am is guilty of creating, encouraging, and prolonging my own problems. Sigh, it only took me 37 years to make this discovery. Well, every morning is a chance to start over so here I go again.... God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can (me!), and the wisdom to know the difference.

Peace out, yo... and peace inside where you can find it, dawg.

Nothing Else Fills... then again.

the flesh covers the bone
and they put a mind
in there and
sometimes a soul,
and the women break
vases against the walls
and the men drink too
much
and nobody finds the
one
but keep
looking
crawling in and out
of beds.
flesh covers
the bone and the
flesh searches
for more than
flesh.

there's no chance
at all:
we are all trapped
by a singular
fate.

nobody ever finds
the one.

the city dumps fill
the junkyards fill
the madhouses fill
the hospitals fill
the graveyards fill

nothing else
fills.

-Bukowski

Sometimes I feel this way. There was a point when I had this feeling all the time. I've tried it ALL, in every damn combination, and was still left wanting. Put it down. Leave it alone. Walk away. Hit the fuckin' next button. Freedom comes from the inside. It starts here:


There do exist enquiring minds, which long for the truth of the heart, seek it, strive to solve the problems set by life, try to penetrate to the essence of things and phenomena and to penetrate into themselves. If a man reasons and thinks soundly, no matter which path he follows in solving these problems, he must inevitably arrive back at himself, and begin with the solution of the problem of what he is himself and what his place is in the world around him. - Gurdjieff

Nothing changes if you don't want it to change. There is no hope... no faith unless you ALLOW them to exist. If you have the tools and the fortitude to do so then, at some point my friends, we arrive here:

I have returned, once again,
To myself
To my home and haven
Somewhat scraped
Slightly bruised, but
safe once more.

I have returned from
The version of the world, where
Men are so angry, so cruel.
Everyday men, with
Their everyday faces, and
Incoherent jumble of scent and color

I have returned
From rectilinear Tee shirt slogans
Vague construct of marketed sexuality, with
It’s built in accusation
Insidious loneliness
Seething and displaced resentment of moral constraint

I have returned
Traveling, so easily now,
Along the sharp and splendid edges, of
Past, present, and glorious future
Breathing in that rarefied atmosphere
Of altogether uncommon freedom

-Reinhardt

It works. It's been quite a week. Thank you to everyone and God bless.

Little Feetz

The similarities are uncanny....

Take a guess

In the last 5 days, 3 major things have happened:
Panthea told me that she wanted to date other people so we broke up
I celebrated my anniversary
The Giants won the Super Bowl

Guess which one is occupying my mind...

You have to click the image for the full effect

Friday and Saturday were an emotional roller coaster and I was having a pretty weird day on Sunday so I decided to stay home for the game. I was talking to someone at halftime and they asked me if I told God that I was in pain? I hadn't. I was asking for the strength and courage to turn the situation over to His care, but I do that with most things. They said trying to turn it over was all well and good, but what I was asking for was different than what I needed at that moment. Each day I was leaving something out. This may seem like common sense, but I needed some relief from the confusion and the heart ache. I prayed for that before I went to bed. I eventually went to sleep and when I woke up I felt better. I also had some empathy for how difficult last August must have been for Panthea.

These are miracles. Not parting the Red Sea stuff, but a relief from pain caused by fear is such a blessing that I actually cried on the way to work. It may seem a bit like pussy behavior, but man when you're locked in those feelings a reprieve is truly God sent. I don't want to lose her. I don't want to live my life with out her. Those feelings are still there, but what has been lifted is the fear, the dread, and the overwhelming anxiety of the unknown. I may never understand why she made her choice on that day, but I don't have to understand it to accept that it's what she wants. I don't know if I'm well enough to see that beautiful smile and not want to hold her face and kiss her. I don't think that I'll ever be well enough to not physically react like a 13 year old boy when she gives me a big hug so "just friends" seems unlikely. Instead of trying to predict or affect the future I'll just hang tight where I am in life... which is what I'm supposed to do anyway. Duh.