What does it mean?

Every Tuesday I speak at a treatment facility for people with drug / alcohol problems and psychiatric disorders. It's called a MICA program. I'm a recovering alcoholic and drug addict with about 2 years clean....Anyway... on my drive there something occurred to me. Mon Chaton left Thursday night. It's been 5 days since I've seen her and, yet, it seems like it was yesterday. The first night was easy. The second night difficult and since then it's been much easier. I enjoy having the apartment clean and quiet. I enjoy coming home to zero stress. I miss talking to her, but not living with her. Now, I know it's impossible to have your cake and eat it too... there is no way she'll move out and continue to date me. What the hell am I really feeling?

Recently I've started to take an anti-anxiety medication, again. I think it's working. While I miss my soul mate, the woman I've loved for what seems like my entire life, I don't miss having to deal with her living habits and the way we interacted. I wonder if she's happier at home with her parents. She bounces from one house to the next.. when things get boring or uncomfortable at one place she goes to the other. Interesting format....? Sooo, what do I do? Obviously I need to think about what I want, but right now (at least today) I want this. I'm tired of compromising what I want for someone who doesn't compromise what they want for more than a couple of hours. It hurts to say that. I actually twitched. Yeah, I'm a little weird.

I love her, but I think I'm ok with our seperation. Who the hell really wants to start over over they know they found someone who could make them happy forever... we've had the talks, I've even had dreams about us and having little kids (from now on referred to as midgets). We've discussed our wedding and I loved it. I get lost in these conversations, but the reality seems to be that we are so totally different in what we want from ourselves, how we live our lives, what we do during the day, how we act towards each other... that forever has grown so far away. For example, even though I might not think everything about her is great, I find myself talking up how awesome she is to everyone. I've noticed that one of her friends does that about her husband in the military and I thought it was cool. She never does that. I've never heard her giving me a compliment to someone else. She'll occasionally throw one my way, but I've never heard her say anything to anyone else. That would've happened by now, no? I don't mean intentionally, but just some off handed comment about my awesomeness to a family member or a friend because that's how she feels. Don't people do that when they think the other person is awesome, even if they aren't feeling the awesomeness at the moment? I think so. Maybe she doesn't think I'm a loaf of sliced bread anymore... I dunno, more later.