Independence

I'm enjoying having the apartment all to myself. Well, I'm enjoying more than that actually. I like not feeling as though I have to rush home after work. I like making spur of the moment plans with people I haven't seen in what feels like forever. I like having a pillow and a blanket on the couch for lounging in front of the TV and then going to the bedroom to read for as long as I see fit. I LOVE SMOKING CIGARETTES wherever and when I ever I feel like it (puff). I truly missed smoking in the bathroom while having a shiz-nat. Mostly it's the relief from our conflicts that has energized me. When I get home from work, it takes less time to unwind. I have a sense of being refreshed after being home only a short while. I miss Mon Chaton. I miss her smile and voice. I miss hearing her say my name when she's feeling cuddly, but those times have been few and far between these past 4 months.

Tomorrow she'll be gone a week and with each day I feel better that she isn't here to pout or argue with me. When we speak, it's as if we barely want to talk to each other. There is no warmth in her hello. I think she's going to wind up staying with her parents. She's written me text messages and brief e-mails that past few days. A sentence or two at a time stating she misses me or loves me, but honestly I think it's more for her than for me. She believes that our separation is mostly my fault and I don't. I'll take the blame, if necessary, to feel this way. I don't mind if her opinion of me is negative as long as I can have the peace I crave.

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving. I'm going to the horse track with the other men of my family. It used to be a yearly tradition, but it's gone to-the-way-side for my father and I these past few years. Since my parents happen to be here, from Florida, my Grandfather suggested we all go and I've agreed. It'll be fun to place a few bets and have the most delicious breakfast buffet I can ever remember. It's been awhile since we've been there. I hope things haven't changed much. I was considering going to VA to be with Mon Chaton, but I've scrapped that idea. We haven't spoken much these past few days and I see no reason to make the trip. I've accepted a dinner invite from a friend and decided to bring mashed cauliflower (a low carb staple). I'm looking forward to a relaxing day.