The best laid plans...

The past few days have been a blur. I lost about $50 at the horse track. I love going there. It's a lot of fun to route for the horse you have money on. The contest is decided in a minute or two so the gratification, if you win, is immediate. If you lose, the next race is in about 20 minutes so you don't have time to mourn. I bet about $40 a race, exacta, trifecta, and occasionally just to win. It was a really good time being around everyone so I went and had Thanksgiving with my family instead of at my friends house. As with most family events, after about 4 hours I'd had my fill. Dinner was delicious and everyone was chatty. My aunt and my cousin's took turns at the piano, after dinner, and that did a lot to keep everyone engaged. There was singing, although most were too loud for the room (alcohol has that effect on people) and more than a little off key. I was left with a deep satisfaction after taking it all in, though. I fielded a few questions about Mon Chaton by saying she was spending the day with her parents.

I spoke to her that night and the conversation wasn't all that pleasant. In retrospect, it's to be expected because we both were missing each other. At the time, though, it confirmed for me that I made the right choice by not driving to VA. When I awoke on Friday I was cuddling one of her stuffed animals and I knew I wanted to go and see her. Then she called. I was happy to hear her voice, but sleep hadn't done the same for her. She was still upset from the night before and the conversation didn't go well. I didn't let her attitude affect my plans. I dressed and drove to VA. It took 6 hours to travel the 340 miles. Traffic and numerous pit stops to pee caused some delay. I finally arrived at around 8:30PM and was told that I should find a hotel because her father would be uncomfortable having me sleeping in his home. That bothers me because we live together. Like it or not, he should of at least offered me the couch. When he was visiting us, I insisted that he stay in our apartment and not in a hotel. It's the right thing to do.

We met in a parking lot near her father's house. When I finally saw her beautiful smile I just melted. My stomach flip flopped and I swear that I felt a sweat breakout on my head. We hugged a bit and started to talk. Actually, she spoke to me for awhile and I listened. I was pretty cloudy from my 6 hour drive and it was soothing just to listen to her . Unfortunately, what she had to say wasn't all that encouraging. She was upset and guarded. I'd just driven 6 hours. I shortened the distance between us and she was still holding back her feelings. Sincerity crept through, but not enough to make me want to stay. She didn't drive me away, but there was a lot more to be said. We both had cars, she could have come back to the hotel with me to talk, but instead we both stood freezing in a parking lot. After about a half hour, I'd heard enough. When we parted, I drove home instead of going to a hotel in town. I would have stayed had she offered to get a cup of coffee or anything other than standing there like that, but no offer was made. After driving for about an hour, I left her a message that I was going home. She called to vent her frustrations. Saying that I'd hurt her more by leaving than if I'd not come at all. I explained why and after awhile said she understood. I'll expand on these two conversations another time.

I made it home in 4.5 hours. I learned my lesson on the first trip. One small bottle of water and a few almonds for nourishment. With an average speed of about 79 mph, my only stop was for gas. My new car is great. I loved the XM radio for it's variety and consistency. OnStar worked better than any GPS I've ever seen in use. What was surprising was the vibration in the steering wheel at around 115 mph. It's not confidence inspiring. At 85 - 100 mph the car is very solid, but above 100 mph it's not nearly as comfortable as my previous 2 or 3 cars. I'm going to check the message boards and see if this is a common complaint.

Anyway, that's all for now. I have dishes to wash and movies to watch. If anyone has plans, drop me a line. I got my hair cut and my beard trimmed. I wouldn't mind going out tonight if anyone has suggestions. Text me.

Independence

I'm enjoying having the apartment all to myself. Well, I'm enjoying more than that actually. I like not feeling as though I have to rush home after work. I like making spur of the moment plans with people I haven't seen in what feels like forever. I like having a pillow and a blanket on the couch for lounging in front of the TV and then going to the bedroom to read for as long as I see fit. I LOVE SMOKING CIGARETTES wherever and when I ever I feel like it (puff). I truly missed smoking in the bathroom while having a shiz-nat. Mostly it's the relief from our conflicts that has energized me. When I get home from work, it takes less time to unwind. I have a sense of being refreshed after being home only a short while. I miss Mon Chaton. I miss her smile and voice. I miss hearing her say my name when she's feeling cuddly, but those times have been few and far between these past 4 months.

Tomorrow she'll be gone a week and with each day I feel better that she isn't here to pout or argue with me. When we speak, it's as if we barely want to talk to each other. There is no warmth in her hello. I think she's going to wind up staying with her parents. She's written me text messages and brief e-mails that past few days. A sentence or two at a time stating she misses me or loves me, but honestly I think it's more for her than for me. She believes that our separation is mostly my fault and I don't. I'll take the blame, if necessary, to feel this way. I don't mind if her opinion of me is negative as long as I can have the peace I crave.

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving. I'm going to the horse track with the other men of my family. It used to be a yearly tradition, but it's gone to-the-way-side for my father and I these past few years. Since my parents happen to be here, from Florida, my Grandfather suggested we all go and I've agreed. It'll be fun to place a few bets and have the most delicious breakfast buffet I can ever remember. It's been awhile since we've been there. I hope things haven't changed much. I was considering going to VA to be with Mon Chaton, but I've scrapped that idea. We haven't spoken much these past few days and I see no reason to make the trip. I've accepted a dinner invite from a friend and decided to bring mashed cauliflower (a low carb staple). I'm looking forward to a relaxing day.

Pfft...

...work sucked today. Crazy busy. It's like the whole world had off and decided to call about stuff. We had a decent day sales-wise, but I just couldn't seem to get off the phone. People, if you're going to buy things from someone online and they have information posted about their products, please read it. It's annoying to keep referring people back to the website for technical information that's linked in with huge text. Thanks a bunch.

I need a nap. Then I'm off for an adventure. My friend is in town from Vegas. Haven't seen her in almost 2 years. We talk on the phone, but it's always good to spend face time with old friends. It should be fun. Latazzzz.

What does it mean?

Every Tuesday I speak at a treatment facility for people with drug / alcohol problems and psychiatric disorders. It's called a MICA program. I'm a recovering alcoholic and drug addict with about 2 years clean....Anyway... on my drive there something occurred to me. Mon Chaton left Thursday night. It's been 5 days since I've seen her and, yet, it seems like it was yesterday. The first night was easy. The second night difficult and since then it's been much easier. I enjoy having the apartment clean and quiet. I enjoy coming home to zero stress. I miss talking to her, but not living with her. Now, I know it's impossible to have your cake and eat it too... there is no way she'll move out and continue to date me. What the hell am I really feeling?

Recently I've started to take an anti-anxiety medication, again. I think it's working. While I miss my soul mate, the woman I've loved for what seems like my entire life, I don't miss having to deal with her living habits and the way we interacted. I wonder if she's happier at home with her parents. She bounces from one house to the next.. when things get boring or uncomfortable at one place she goes to the other. Interesting format....? Sooo, what do I do? Obviously I need to think about what I want, but right now (at least today) I want this. I'm tired of compromising what I want for someone who doesn't compromise what they want for more than a couple of hours. It hurts to say that. I actually twitched. Yeah, I'm a little weird.

I love her, but I think I'm ok with our seperation. Who the hell really wants to start over over they know they found someone who could make them happy forever... we've had the talks, I've even had dreams about us and having little kids (from now on referred to as midgets). We've discussed our wedding and I loved it. I get lost in these conversations, but the reality seems to be that we are so totally different in what we want from ourselves, how we live our lives, what we do during the day, how we act towards each other... that forever has grown so far away. For example, even though I might not think everything about her is great, I find myself talking up how awesome she is to everyone. I've noticed that one of her friends does that about her husband in the military and I thought it was cool. She never does that. I've never heard her giving me a compliment to someone else. She'll occasionally throw one my way, but I've never heard her say anything to anyone else. That would've happened by now, no? I don't mean intentionally, but just some off handed comment about my awesomeness to a family member or a friend because that's how she feels. Don't people do that when they think the other person is awesome, even if they aren't feeling the awesomeness at the moment? I think so. Maybe she doesn't think I'm a loaf of sliced bread anymore... I dunno, more later.

Changes

I'm about to lose my girlfriend. I don't know if that's the correct phrasing. We've been living together since July and as of last Friday she's now living with her Mom in another state. We haven't officially broken up yet, but each conversation seems to make matters worse. She's 14 years younger than me. Yes, it's a lot... I know that most people would probably believe that it was doomed from the start, but you're wrong. I've had a few long term relationships in my 34 years. They were good. They were loving and supportive for a time, but like most things they were imperfect and eventually fell apart. I still talk to my last ex, who I dated for almost 3 years, so I can't be too off the mark when knowing when a relationship has good qualities and possibilities. My current girlfriend is going to referred to as Mon Chaton. She's everything that I wanted in a woman. Smart, full of life, quick to laugh, sexy and strong. She's also young which makes her inexperienced when it comes to relationships of all types (she's an only child of divorced parents). This inexperience carries into our interactions and effects how our disagreements escalate. Let me say that I'm far from well adjusted, but at least I believe that I'm flawed... blegh... whine... more later

Welcome

I'll be posting soon. I had an AOL journal, which I didn't import before they shut AOL hometown down on 10/31. Here a few things about me you should know before reading:

• I'm long winded. I figure that if you care enough to read anything, you'll want a bit of background.
• Also, most of my posts are going to about things I don't understand or that confuse me (like women) so I'll attempt to give both sides of the situation.
• I'm terrible at expressing my feelings so I'll either post song lyrics as an entry or add them at the end in an attempt to convey the emotion that I'm feeling.
• My punctuation and paragraph formatting are defined by my energy level. I tend to be lazy when blogging.

I hope you can relate to my thoughts...