Don't call me baby.

If I haven’t told you that I love you then call me by my name. It’s been 2 years since my last relationship ended. I haven’t called anyone anything other than their name since then. It’s actually uncomfortable to hear someone else call me baby, hun, sweetheart, babe, etc. I still have some voicemails from her. I haven’t listen to them in over a year. I’d bet $1000 that each one begins with a nickname.

Nicknames should come naturally. They should make you smile. Your heart should jump a little bit. It’s better when they are unique. Bumbee and Bumblina when together were a Bumble. Why? I don’t know. It just worked out that way and we both loved it. No one tops Panthea in the nickname department. I had so many nicknames for Panthea that I probably can’t remember them all. She didn't like all of them, but they all meant the same thing to me when I said them. She had a few for me and I loved hearing her say each one. I'd go double or nothing that if I listened to the voicemails I still have from her most of them begin with, "Hi, baby." I will never let anyone call me that again. It will never sound right hearing that name from another voice. Although, thinking about it now, near the end of the relationship she used my nicknames less. Maybe that was a sign I never noticed until now. Hmm.

To be clear, it’s not the nicknames I miss. Although snooks and the snugglah were pretty fantastic nicknames, it’s not about the words. Those words are amusing, but the feeling behind them was the same as mon chaton and mon coeur. The closeness and bond between the hearts of two people. I miss feeling that connected. I don’t think it’s possible to have that connection with someone except in a romantic way. A nickname is for a specific person and only that person. You can’t call another person by that same name because they will never fit in your heart that way. There are times that I miss the friendships I had with the 3 women I’ve loved, but being friends with them while they love another person would basically be impossible for me. I’m not that emotionally healthy hah

So what brings this whole thing up? Well, I was on a date this weekend and having a good time. I’ve being seeing this person for around 2 months. We had dinner and then drove on the beach around midnight. We drank coffee, talked, and listened to music. When we got back to my house I went to say her name and I called her Pon. She was around the other side of the truck and probably didn't hear me clearly. My stomach did some flip flops and it put a cold wet towel on the rest of my night. This woman is great, but I’m not in love. The relief is that I don’t believe she is either. She’s been married before and doesn’t want to be married again. With that said, she has started to call me babe on occasion. Meh. She called me baby once and I think the look on my face has kept her from doing that again. 

I call her by her name. I abbreviate it, but it’s still her name. All her friends use the same abbreviation. If she wanted someone else I wouldn’t be devastated. I don’t want to share our lives until the day I die. Does this make me an asshole on some level? Probably. The reality is that if I don't see myself ever asking her to move in with me then I should end it. It would be best for both of us. I’ve become a bit more direct since the break-up. Someone close to me said that I’ve become colder. Maybe I was different during my last relationship and now I’m back to who I was before that on some levels. I haven’t really looked at it enough to say for sure. I think it's pretty normal that you don't present all sides of yourself to each person in your life. I think when the right person comes along, my heart will open back up. Anyway, that’s not the point of this post. I want to go home so lets wrap this up: Keep it simple. Use my name and we’ll get along just fine.