God Only Knows

My cousin is in trouble. Her child is in trouble. I have no relationship with her. Those that do will not tell her the truth for fear of being pushed out of her life. I’ve spoken to all of them about this. This is beyond my control. 

I’m damaged. Through work on myself I’ve gotten better, but the wounds can be tender if the right spots are hit. My cousin didn’t know much love growing up. I'm sure there are parts of her young self that looked for love in other places: friends and their families as well as my mother. Considering her home life, I think it's safe to say that somewhere inside her she wondered if she was lovable. In her late 20s she found someone who swept her off her feet. The type of person we all dream about. Who accepted her and gave her what she needed at the time. I'm sure it helped that he was good looking and intelligent. He is also damaged. He is an active addict. Yesterday he threatened her. He also threatened to “take away what she loves the most.” Rightfully so she took that as threatening the life of their child. She called the police. He flushed his drugs down the toilet. The police came and removed her and the child. She would not press charges. Somewhere inside her she must hope to reconcile.

Before they were married, her husband had dental work done with our family dentist. After looking at her future husband’s teeth the dentist called my cousin to tell her that he believed the guy was a drug addict. The dentist said that he had never seen teeth like that… he’d only read about such cases. Red flag ignored. Years of longing for someone to love and be loved by someone… It’s powerful what fear will drive us to do. Her insecurities have clouded her judgement since she met him. She forgot that she’d had a successful professional career. She forgot that she was attractive. She forgot everything and listened to the little voices in her head that told her being with him was much better than being alone.

Fast forward about 10 years. They have a child. He cheats on her. He openly uses drugs with her knowledge. They fight in secrecy. There are rumors, but nothing blatant in front of family. No one wants to betray her trust. No one wants to say something that will keep her from confiding in them… so no one fuckin helps her! No one tells her the truth! The truth is that whatever she loved about him isn't there anymore (unless it's his handsome penis). He’s not able to love her either. He’s an active drug addict and therefore the most self centered individual on the planet.

What about their child. He’s 6 years old. What has he seen? What has he heard? How many tears has he shed in fear? Does he know what it is to be terrified of his own Dad? Has he seen Daddy hit Mommy? How many times has he seen Daddy screaming in Mommy’s face? What names has he heard Daddy call Mommy? Her own self centered nature prevents her from seeing the bigger picture. Her fear of being alone puts her and the child in harms way. Verbal abuse is harm. Don’t forget that.

I type this because it's unlikely that I'll have the opportunity to say this to her directly. I don’t have a relationship with her. I hope my conversations with others inspire them to say these words to her. As the serenity prayer states, I am accepting the thing I can not change. ::sniffle::