No cats allowed

So I've been looking into adopting a pet. Cats are out because they suck. My track record with fish is pretty terrible. Birds are way too loud and from what I've seen they're filthy animals. Reptiles... meh. Pot bellied pigs are cute as piglets. I know someone who has a 3 year old pig and it's about 100 pounds. The pig is house trained. The down fall of the pig is the noises it makes when it's unhappy. A barking dog is loud, but a pig screeching is ear piercing. So the pig is out unless it's for eating.

This brings us to man's best friend... the dog. Dogs are great. Especially puppies. If there was such a thing as a genetically engineered German Shepard puppy (or giraffe) then I would get one. Unfortunately there is not. German Shepards get big and they shed... a lot. If memory serves me right the weekly grooming of our dogs would fill a standard size kitchen garbage bad. That's a mess. I loved our dogs. I miss our dogs, but I didn't have to take care of the dogs on a daily basis. Maybe I had the responsibility of feeding them once a day and taking them out to pee / poop once a day. The rest of the time someone else was doing the dirty work. Love you, Mom!

My sister has a German Shepard. She's a petite little girl. At 18 months she's about 60 pounds. She looks like an oversize puppy. Sounds good to me. Sign me up, right? Wrong. The dog is a scardey cat, urm dog. She bites people. As a puppy she would nip here and there, but that happens sometimes with young dogs. They're learning how to act. No mammal is born with social skills.  Anyway, my sister's dog finally full on bit someone... at doggy daycare. The guy was cool about it. No cops. No legal stuff, but she (the dog) was expelled  :(   Prior to being expelled she (the cute little devil of a dog) had an operation on her elbows which cost my sister a boat load of $$ and trips multiple times per week to the pet physical therapist. Oh yeah. Good times.

Soooo I was thinkin' to myself, "Self? A dog requires research with regards to the proper parents / breeder. Waiting months for the puppy to be born. Prepping the house for it's arrival. A dog requires constant attention and care. The effort before and during potty training. Endless vet bills. Special food. It's own hygiene products, bedding, and towels. Potential run-ins with the law. They run away sometimes looking for a boyfriend or girlfriend. A budget for what could be inevitable legal defense fund. Clothes because dogs that are dressed up are awesome. Day care and baby sitting for extended weekends. And to top it all off, they only live at best 16 years for a little dog or 11-12 years for a big dog. Then you morn their loss like you would a child and start the process all over again. So, Self, when you take everything into consideration it's like having a kid."

That's when I had my epiphany.

Don't adopt a dog.

Adopt a kid!

By the time the dog would have died, the kid will be old enough to pitch in: do the laundry, wash the dishes, cut the lawn, weed the garden, shovel the snow, clean my car, and vacuum - the pool, the floors, you name it! What do you mean you can't reach the top of the window to clean it? There is a step stool, 4 foot ladder, 6 foot ladder, 10 foot ladder, and 12 foot ladder in the garage. There's money in the cabinet by the stove, go to the store and buy the noodles for the lasagna I told you to make this morning. If the kid is stupid, cut him / her loose at 18. If he's smart keep him and on and let him pay his bills and some rent plus the chores / home improvement projects. At that point I'll get another one. This one will be a little older and already potty trained. Now it's time for bigger projects that require 2 people like painting the house, repaving the driveway, and changing the pool liner. Instead of having a dog which would cost me $$$ I will instead start adopting kids to make me money. Ka-ching. Also, since the kid isn't from my loins, I won't feel too bad if it dies. Problem solved.

::edit:: If I ever have my own children I'll make them pitch in, but they can live in the main house instead of the shed in the backyard with the adopted kids ::edit::