So now what?

Ever feel like the ground is shaky under your feet? That each step you take in what you thought was the right direction leaves you on the same ground with out solid footing? Me too.

I want to make a point of saying that God has blessed me with many things and good people in my life. I have friends who love me and care. I have a business that is doing fine. I have some family (Michelle and Grandma) who show their love and desire to be a unit on a regular basis.

Last time I wrote about how my family has drifted apart since my Mom died. That's true, but it's mainly my Dad. He's been out of touch and all I can do is continue to do my part and hope he responds. We spoke for almost 2 hours last night. We caught up, but didn't share anything intimately personal. Maybe it'll be that way from now on. I don't know.

My relationship with Panthea is still on loose ground. Again, it's not as if we fight anymore which is what makes it strange. We spent some time together on Sunday. I enjoyed myself... some food, conversation, a bit of walking and people watching. Afterwards I went back to her place and we cuddled a bit on the couch. At some point I noticed that she started to cry. I asked her what was wrong and she said to me I don't see how this can work between us. Wow. This isn't the first time she's said that to me over the past few weeks so the words weren't new, but the timing really threw me. I was sitting there with my arms around her thinking that this is the first time in a long time I've gotten to enjoy time with her and she had a whole different set of thoughts running through her head. It's unsettling.... loose ground under my feet regardless of which direction I turn. I actually have to force myself to talk to her because I feel like she'll decide to grenade the whole thing on a whim. It's kind of a scary place to be when saying you're in a relationship.

I prayed on this situation. I don't want God to fix anything... I'm not asking for that. I just want to know what's right. I don't know. Am I being foolish? Is it over? Is this just a rough patch that will make us closer and stronger in the long run? I understand the need for faith. Third step stuff. A belief that God will take care of me in the long run. That being aware of God's will and following that path will always have me in his grace. It's worked that way in the past. I've done all that I can to play my part with a pure heart. I just wish that I felt better about where it's taken me and us for that matter. Even though I'm relatively calm with my reactions to life on life's terms right now I know that this uncertainty is taking a toll on me. I'm sleeping more than I ever have before and I can't eat anything and take a normal shit. I've lost 10 pounds in a week with out trying and just don't have an appetite. On the bright side, no more ice cream and my clothes fit better. Um, thanks God?

One of the most profound slogans I've heard in NA is that we need to give time time. We have time. There are days and weeks and months and years ahead of us. Even though the order of the world isn't the way I would like it to be right now doesn't mean that I won't feel differently at another point in time. Stay the path. Love...hmm, love what? Love those whose hearts are open and do the best I can with the rest of you knuckleheads? I guess that's all anyone can do, right? I know that living any other way just isn't what I want to be a part of anymore. So in spite of what is trying to creep out from under the surface, I will carry on with my heart open as well.

I know that sometimes
You will be far from me, my love
But I do not like it
The truth is I can barely stand it
For then it seems that everything is far from me, and
The winds that blew me, from
My horrible solitude, to
This beautiful place
Have died down
left me stranded
In some diseased and lonesome way
I feel less than complete
Much less than satisfied with myself
All my gifts
Those personal trinkets
So pleasing to you
Mean nothing to me
Salt on my tongue
Splash of purple behind my eyelids
Tightness in my neck
I hate that I need you so, but
I do
I simply do
-Brother Ray