Enough Already!!

I hate being sick. It's been over a week. I've infected the entire office and LP!

Sorry LP

ARGGG! I wanna' do the Harlem Shake!

Thanks to everyone who made it happen

Thanks, guys!

I love LP and the Harlem Shake

Trust your struggle

There is a lot going on right now. I'm sick so that isn't helping. I've taken a break from certain parts of my life to focus on others. Not so much a break than as in not putting much effort into things. I often wonder how people do it "all." Then I realize that no one does it all. What they do well is what they put their effort into. The rest of their lives aren't the same as mine. Our lives are unique in certain respects. I have a business to run, customers to cater to, meetings to attend, phone calls to return, stuff to buy, a fish to keep alive, employees to coddle, parents to keep an eye on, a lovely young woman in my life to build a relationship with, relationship articles to read, a house to buy, a car stereo system to tweak (well, more like fix now),low carbing to get back to, running to begin again (last time I ran I was not feeling well), step work to continue, praying to do, thanks to give, relationships to mend, integrity to prove... the list is actually much longer, but you get the idea. No one can do all of this well, but we should try to anyway. I think we always suffer when we look back on the opportunities that slipped past without taking a shot.

 Panthea and I went away this weekend (long weekend Thursday - Sunday). Overall we had a great time. I was sick when we left and got progressively worse. By Saturday afternoon all I wanted to do was sleep and try to IV OTC cold medicine. If I was home, I would have drank soup and bought every cold and flu drug known to man. We were away so I did my best not to ruin the weekend. Why? Why couldn't I just say that I really felt sick and didn't want to do anything? Was it the money we spent on the place? Was it the limited time we had together? Was it fear of disappointing her? I don't know. She didn't offer to just chill so there had to be some expectations. Then again, I wasn't puking or anything. I really didn't know what I was supposed to do. A piece of me was happy that we got out and saw the sites and another piece of me is upset about it. I went to work today and all I heard was, "You look like crap", "You should go home and rest", blah blah blah. I didn't stay home today because I've had 3 day weeks the last 2 weeks in a row! Not much of an example to the kids when it seems like I take off whenever I want. Anyway, the point is that I'm sick and I'm forced to step up now. This isn't just about me. I have obligations: to LP and the people who work for me as well as myself. Nothing good happens... yes, read that again... nothing GOOD happens when I let life pass by on it's own accord and choose the path of least resistance. Next time, if I feel this sick, I'll open my mouth, stay on the couch, hand her my car keys, and tell her to have a good afternoon exploring if I'm not up to it... I might stay home from work when I'm sick too, but I will not just throw in the towel and stop trying because everything isn't perfect. I will truly believe that what exists is temporary. In a good way and a bad way. If I stop putting in the effort at work our sales will slump and if I don't get off the couch when I'm in a new place I just might miss something really fun. Our lives are a journey. The end is death. Everyday is a new chapter. We experience these events and grow... and laugh and love and earn a new appreciation for the freedoms these opportunities allow to us. Well, that's it. No grand finale - I'm going to home to rest lol

Expectations

Don't have expectations.

Today was the culmination of 6 plus years in recovery and what I learned was that pride has no place in my life. I'm fucking crying right now and I know exactly why.

I'm comfortable feeling like a piece of shit. It's my norm. Lying, stealing, using people and places and things... it's been my life for years. I hate that part of me. Today I got a glimpse of pride. It lasted a few hours and then the sky fell. I tried my best to people please and make everything okay again. I wanted to feel at ease and peaceful and proud of myself, but that was not to be.

The reasons are my fault. I know they are. Every action has an equal and opposite reaction. I can't stop saying I'm sorry. I can't take a day, let alone a few hours, to admire my place in the universe. It's not my time yet. I knew I couldn't stop pushing forward, but sometimes I'm just desperate to rest. Knowing I can't, but expecting to proves to be devastating at times. So I cry. And I cry. And I cry.

::exhale::

Tomorrow I'll try again

LP

“Also, our inventories usually include material on relationships.”

Basic Text, p. 29

––––=––––

What an understatement this is! Especially in later recovery, entire inventories may focus on our relationships with others. Our lives have been filled with relationships with lovers, friends, parents, coworkers, children, and others with whom we come in contact. A look at these associations can tell us much about our essential character.


Often our inventories catalog the resentments that arise from our day-to-day interactions with others. We strive to look at our part in these frictions. Are we placing unrealistic expectations on other people? Do we impose our standards on others? Are we sometimes downright intolerant?


Often just the writing of our inventory will release some of the pressure that a troubled relationship can produce. But we must also share this inventory with another human being. That way, we get some needed perspective on our part in the problem and how we can work toward a solution.


The inventory is a tool that allows us to begin healing our relationships. We learn that today, with the help of an inventory, we can start to enjoy our relationships with others.

––––=––––

Just for today: I will inventory the part I play in my relationships. I will seek to play a richer, more responsible part in those relationships.

We just can't win

I can relate, bro. "We" all can ;)

I am dancing in the light

Spirituality speaks to character. What kind of people are we? What is it that we want to do with our lives? How do we come across to other people? Hypocrisy is the enemy of true freedom. It is most definitely the enemy of spirituality and the molding of a healthy character. Our experience shows that spirituality involves bringing our lives into the light where things can be seen. Can we dance in the dark? Yes, but dangerously! It is much better to see where we are going. It is much better for our partners to see where they are going. Spiritual character is attracted to the light... and 13:03 miles, son!

Times are a changing

A few things of note:

I haven't had a real cigarette in over a year. Thumbs up to e-cigs.

I've lost 35 pounds in 2 months (1/07/13 - 3/08/13)

I ran 3 miles yesterday at a pace of 13:19 per mile

Host gator internet hosting blows for anything other than internet hosting. I hate you host gator.

Tonight Rob is going to his first meeting since his relapse. I've missed him.

Panthea is an amazing woman. Her love for me becomes more apparent each time we talk... for 5 hours or until the sun comes up :)

Lead me home

I need you to lead me home... please. I'm so tired. I can't do this on my own. Please, help me.

Now that's gay

Hilarious - My favorites are in blue

You are so gay, when you fill out forms, and it asks for ethnicity, you put Faggot.
You are so gay, when they asked you for a sperm sample, you farted into a cup.
You are so gay, when you were born the doctor spanked you, so you sucked his dick.
You are so gay, your butt hole has it’s own butt hole.
You are so gay, you give monkeys aids.
You are so gay, when you have sex, the monkey asks to wear a condom.
You are so gay, anytime you walk down the street, its considered a gay pride parade.
You are so gay, you can only wear super pink, the gayest color in the universe.
You are so gay, that you are too gay to work at Abercrombie.
You are so gay, you have to brush your teeth with sperm remover.
You are so gay, you sneak your underage friends into gay bars by hiding them in your asshole.
You are so gay, you can’t even get married in Hawaii.
You are so gay, you can take so many dicks in your asshole at one time that you look like a peacock.
You are so gay, your tears are made of sperm.
You are so gay, your blood type is AIDS.
You are so gay, on your license under sex it says anal.

Deep thoughts

This is why raising the minimum wage won't change anything

The idea that it's okay to give shit away that doesn't belong to you and that it's okay to take it shows me just where we are as a society. Horray for free shit... yeah, it's free ::rolls eyes::

The early bird gets the worm

I'm upstate at a retreat. The whole thing is regimented. Food is served for 30 min 3 times per day. Breakfast is at 7:30. Sigh. By 8 you can't even get a cup of coffee. These monks don't play... just pray ::rimshot::