It’s a quasi-religious belief and it’s loosely based upon the teachings of the catholic church. There is one major exception. My God is always loving and caring. There is no wrath of God in my mind. God doesn’t test me. Could I past a test from the Creator of all things? I think not.
My God shows me a path to his grace. He doesn’t take my will and use it as His own. I’m not a marionette doll. I’m free to live anyway that I wish, but the further I get from God’s will for me the more chaotic and painful my life becomes. My God doesn’t want me to suffer. He doesn’t want me to fear anything in my past, present, or future. My God wants me to know peace and serenity. My God doesn’t trade or barter. When I pray it’s to say thank you and to let him know what’s on my mind. It’s a dialogue, as I’d have with a lover, friend, or family member. He lends me strength in the face of fear and doubt. I have faith that if my motivation is pure then I’ll be satisfied with what happens when I apply myself. I’m free to try and to fail.
Recently I realized that I'm self conscious, with people who aren’t in recovery, when discussing my belief in God and how I see Him working in my life. I've done some pretty shitty things while active and while clean. This blog is full of past postings about my deceptions and betrayal of the woman who once loved me. I have lived the life of a hypocrite. At times I think of the inmate in prison who finds God after his conviction and compare our situations. I cheated on Panthea for years and now, after being caught, return to the fellowship of NA and turn my will over to the care of God as I understand Him. Sounds familiar, right? A likely story indeed!
For 30+ years I lived with fear of failure in my scholastic, social, professional, and love life. I believed I would fail so I acted in ways that almost assured that I’d fall short. That’s what I did and why I did it. I was afraid of almost everything. I assumed that all the patterns of my life would continue. The key is that not only have I identified this, but I’ve owned my life – the fiasco. I’m the reason that the patterns continued. My part is that I kept acting the same way so the outcomes of almost everything I’ve done were already decided. I had no faith or reason to believe that things would be different so fuck it. I always had an out, an escape plan, a reason why it can’t, it won’t or it didn’t work out.
It’s irrelevant to me if any of you click away and call this post bullshit. In the coming weeks I will post things that some of you may not want to read. I’ve told my story enough that most of you already know what I’ve done and what I’m about. The posts will be long and the level of honesty will be complete. I’m going to do this for a few reasons. First, so that everything is now out in the open. It will be like reading my 4th step out in public. Second, so that I can never again lie (either through my own words or omissions) to anyone about what I’ve done and what has been done to me.
Why do this at all? I believe that secrets and fears die in the light of exposure. Over the last 6 weeks I’ve had some mind opening and heart healing experiences when I've been honest. I have a great sponsor who is patient and loving (Thank you, Raymond). He’s a salesman, a con artist, a pastor, a sexual deviant, a poet, and a street thug (you know it's true lol). I have seen proof of God’s love as it has worked through him and the other people in my life. I’ve known levels of joy that I forgot could exist for me. Step work, prayer, talks in a parking lot, social connections, friendships, loving relationships, speaking engagements, meeting commitments, open mikes, conventions, a retreat, and pleasure trips are all a part of my story the last 6 weeks. Lost dreams awaken and new possibilities arise. Learn to live a little and you’ll grow to like it a lot. Reach for something. Anything. The results may not be what you expected, but that doesn’t mean that you’ll be let down. Have a little faith
You can't connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backwards. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future. You have to trust in something - your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever. This approach has never let me down, and it has made all the difference in my life. – Steve Jobs
