While playing with the new Google tool bar I stumble across the games section and notice that #17 in the top paid Android games is called "Roll A Joint." While the idea of putting a phone to my mouth and inhaling like I'm smoking a joint is a bit gay I can appreciate the novelty of such an app for those in the 13-23 age bracket. As I was about to close the browser I noticed the "more by this developer" section and saw the "Nose Candy" game. Really?! Well, apparently the Miyans were correct. The world is going to end this year. Tomorrow, I'm going to sell the condo and all my stocks. I don't need to win $500 million in the lottery tomorrow, because I'll be hard pressed to spend the $500,000 before the world ends this December.
::shakin my head::
Thursday, March 29, 2012
Past and Present
I don't know what colour your eyes are, baby
But your hair is long and brown
Your legs are strong, and you're so, so long
And you don't come from this town
My head is full of magic, baby
And I can share this with you
The feel I'm on a cross again, lately
But it's nothing to do with you
I'm alive
Oh Oh, so alive
I'm alive
Oh Oh, so alive
This drug makes me crazy
Makes me see you more clearly.
Oh, baby, now I can see you.
Wish I could stop,
Switch off the clock,
Make it all happen for you.
I'm alive
Oh Oh, so alive
I'm alive
Oh Oh, so alive
OOOOH
OOOOH
Don't know what colour your eyes are, baby
But your hair is long and brown
Your legs are strong, and you're so, so long
And you don't come from this town
My head is full of magic, baby
And I can share this with you
The feel I'm on top again, baby
That's got everything to do with you
I'm alive
Oh Oh, so alive
I'm alive
Oh Oh, so alive
Well, at least until I started missing you about 15 seconds after that last hug. Bah. Humbug. Damn you youtube and all your related song goodness. It makes me remember that I'm sitting in a room full of memorabilia and pictures of you...
By the way 450+ views. Thanks guys and gals.
Ray, if my shit all comes crashing down around me again lets not talk about the reason why right away. I love feeling this way and I don't want to put it down. Yes, I'm a bit of a fag at times. Goodnight. Love, Tom.
Wednesday, March 28, 2012
I told you that I'll get past this...
... it just hasn't happened yet. I'm trying.
 |
| She's so tiny and I have a giant ass |
Tuesday, March 27, 2012
And that's clean time folks...
Just try to do your best. You won't always be able to focus well or apply the effort. That's okay, just don't stop trying. Embrace today and I promise that 1 of 2 things will happen:
1. Your situation or place in this world improves
OR
2. Your feelings about where you are will improve
Either way it only takes a few beautiful days to make this new life worth living. Making new memories is such an awesome experience. Once you have a good day NO ONE CAN EVER TAKE THAT MEMORY AWAY FROM YOU! Use the memories as fuel. Use them for perspective. Use them for hope. For me, this is the essence of clean time.
Lost dreams awaken and new possibilities arise!
Friday, March 23, 2012
Success!... only the exact opposite
I woke up this morning later than planned and had to scramble to get ready. I took a shower before I went to bed last night, but unforeseen events early this morning caused me to have to take another one so I wasn’t sticky for my yearly physical appointment at 10AM. I was in the truck before 9 so although I was still half asleep I felt triumphant to have gotten everything done on time.
The physical was uneventful. My chest and abdominal x-rays were clean, BP was 130 over 80, and my EKG was perfect. The blood work results will take a few days to come back and the doctor’s office is working on approvals for MRIs of my shoulder and rib cage air bubble issue.
When I walked out of the doctor’s office I was greeted by sun filled sky and 75 degree temps. I called a few people on my ride to the office and was feeling pretty good… until the battery died in the e-cig and I realized that in my rush to get out of the house I forgot a few things. I didn’t take my medication or my vitamins. I forgot the meeting egg timer AND I forgot to take the e-cig’s extra battery and / or charger. I remembered the go-go juice refills, but forgot an equally important component. You can’t smoke a real cig without a way to light it and you can’t smoke an e-cig with a dead battery. HELP! help! Help help HEELLLPPPP!! My recovery is in jeopardy.
Thursday, March 22, 2012
I can't be trusted...
I can't be trusted to go shopping alone :)
After dinner I did a quick food shopping. Nothing fancy: mixed nuts, grapes, and some Mio water flavoring stuff. The main reason for going to the store was to look for an egg timer. We've been having a problem at my Home Group with people sharing for an excessively long period of time. As you've heard before the saying goes, "Part of sharing is sharing the time." We ask everyone to share for less than 4 min. Unfortunately, last week someone held meeting hostage for about 15 minutes. Since this is an anonymous program lets just say that everyone there was Shell-shocked (haha, I couldn't resist). People tried using their phones, but the guy just kept talking through the alarms. I hoped to find an egg timer in the supermarket that could serve as our time limit alarm, but there was nothing so I checked out. So far so good. Nothing bad to eat. No excessive spending...
When I get in the truck there is a good song on so I decide to drive around some more because it's a beautiful night. I open the sunroof, turn on the heat, and play my music. As I'm driving up 112 it hits me that there is a Target or something nearby and they probably sell timers. Sure enough I find Target and they have egg timers. As I'm walking around to the check I notice the movie section. Hmm, $5 DVDs... nice, but $9-$14 BluRay = OH MY! Well, needless to say I walked out with 7 movies: Swingers, The Usual Suspects, I Am Legend, Reservoir Dogs, Pulp Fiction, American Psycho, and The Prestige.
I'm doing my part to help the economy. How about you?!
After dinner I did a quick food shopping. Nothing fancy: mixed nuts, grapes, and some Mio water flavoring stuff. The main reason for going to the store was to look for an egg timer. We've been having a problem at my Home Group with people sharing for an excessively long period of time. As you've heard before the saying goes, "Part of sharing is sharing the time." We ask everyone to share for less than 4 min. Unfortunately, last week someone held meeting hostage for about 15 minutes. Since this is an anonymous program lets just say that everyone there was Shell-shocked (haha, I couldn't resist). People tried using their phones, but the guy just kept talking through the alarms. I hoped to find an egg timer in the supermarket that could serve as our time limit alarm, but there was nothing so I checked out. So far so good. Nothing bad to eat. No excessive spending...
When I get in the truck there is a good song on so I decide to drive around some more because it's a beautiful night. I open the sunroof, turn on the heat, and play my music. As I'm driving up 112 it hits me that there is a Target or something nearby and they probably sell timers. Sure enough I find Target and they have egg timers. As I'm walking around to the check I notice the movie section. Hmm, $5 DVDs... nice, but $9-$14 BluRay = OH MY! Well, needless to say I walked out with 7 movies: Swingers, The Usual Suspects, I Am Legend, Reservoir Dogs, Pulp Fiction, American Psycho, and The Prestige.
I'm doing my part to help the economy. How about you?!
 |
| Iz Bananas |
Now what...
I love Thursdays because I don't have to rush off anywhere after work. The weather was fantastic and the sun was still out for my ride home. This is a rare occurrence for March so I had my music pumping and the sunroof open. Then I got home and realized that I have nothing to do except laundry and to clean Jon's (my fish... um fish's) tank. I'm bored off my azz, lol.
I spoke to Panthea yesterday. All I can really say is that the conversation started out okay, but eventually she started crying and I felt like shit for making her cry. I didn't do it on purpose, but it's obviously very difficult for her to speak to me considering how hurt she still feels. I'm sorry for making you cry yesterday, Panthea.
Well, laundry load # 1 is done. Time to get things situated and head to the salad bar.
I spoke to Panthea yesterday. All I can really say is that the conversation started out okay, but eventually she started crying and I felt like shit for making her cry. I didn't do it on purpose, but it's obviously very difficult for her to speak to me considering how hurt she still feels. I'm sorry for making you cry yesterday, Panthea.
Well, laundry load # 1 is done. Time to get things situated and head to the salad bar.
Sigh
Wednesday, March 21, 2012
Pardon Me
I'd never heard this song before... I kinda like it... a lot
 |
| John and Bobby at Evenflow. |
FYI, there's an open mike at Evenflow every Monday from 9PM - ??!! Come on down to support the guys or just eat all the wings and drink all the soda you can for $15. Good stuff. It's a bar so don't come alone.
By the way, I have over 300 views this month so far. Let's try to hit 500! Spread the word.
Tuesday, March 20, 2012
My experience - Part 1
A perfect report card with satisfactory conduct grades could lead to beatings that left me bloody and bruised. One especially memorable parent teacher night I was actually put through a closet door. To be clear, the laws of physics played a huge roll (F=MA) and my actions didn't help the situation, but the instinct of self preservation was apparently too strong to ignore. I was 7 years old and trying to run away from the barrage of fists (yes, my Dad was a closed fist guy) that were hitting me at any opening. This wasn't my first beating, but it was the most intense up to that time in my life. I knew that covering up was going to prolong and provoke the ferocity of the attack. Previously, my Father had actually sat me down to have a conversation about making things worse for myself by trying to cover up, but it hurt so much this time that I even tried to get out of the room. This was a first for me and as I tried to get away he semi-tackled me into the closet door and our combined force sent me through the cheap door. My mom tried to get him to back off, but he pulled me out the closet and the beating just continued on the couch with my Dad half sitting on me while he fired away with both fists. I was terrified. I recall begging and shrieking that I was sorry through tears. I recall trying to cover my head for a time. I don't remember why he stopped, maybe it was the blood. I don't remember getting off the couch or how I got to bed that night. Based on the number of bruises I had the next day, it's unlikely that it was under my own power.
I remember being in bed at some point that night trying to make sense of what had happened. I went over the details obsessively. I realized that at some point I stopped asking him not to hit me, I stopped saying that I was sorry, and I stopped covering myself up. I just laid there and listened to the deep thud of his fists when they connected. I remembered the impacts and how my little body jerked around with each one. That night is the earliest memory I have of thinking that my life was out of my control. I was so scared to get out of bed that I pissed myself rather than go to the bathroom. I couldn't sleep, I was soaked with piss, and I just couldn't stop crying. I felt that regardless of what I did there would always be some overwhelming fault. I looked back on my young life and saw all the examples of how these flaws were called to my attention and my Father's reactions to them. I loved that man more than anyone else on the planet and I constantly failed to earn any consistent praise regardless of how hard I tried or what I did. Although I was only a little guy at the time, I changed that night. I stopped trying to give 100% to anything and I stopped doing everything that he didn't deem to be worthwhile. I accepted whatever result my limited effort would yield.
Through my adolescence and early teens, I didn't have a passion for anything. I disappointed on a consistent basis, but I knew that I would because I had already resigned myself to mediocrity. I did well enough not to be bothered. When I got frustrated with my unhappiness I drank and acted out sexually as a release. I was a fucked up little kid. When my best friend moved away and I wound up being the only kid from elementary school to attend my high school it was beyond my ability to cope. I missed most of the first 3 months of school by pretending to be sick. My father took me for every medical test, but this only added to my anxiety. I was sure that when the doctors couldn't find anything wrong and everyone would figure out that I was faking it and then there would be more beatings. Nothing happened though. There was no talk about faking or what I was feeling. My parents just picked a day that I was to go back to school and I went. My high school entrance exam grades were high enough that I was in all honors classes. Even though those kids all knew each other they (the geeks) weren't as cliquey as I expected them to be so I blended in with out much effort. I didn't want to be a geek or a nerd though. I wanted to be popular. When baseball season came around my high school experience started to change. I went to parties where I drank and got laid. Eventually I made one real friend and that's only because he befriended me. I was consumed with not letting anyone get to know me because I felt that the more they knew the easier it would be to find fault. I found my niche at some point. I was the jock and I was the honors guy. I did enough at each to retain my place holder. I became a legend with the amount that I could drink. Girls came and went. It was a tolerable existence.
The afternoon that I met Jen, wasn't out of the ordinary. She was blond and cute, but so were a lot of other girls. Within the first hour it was clear that she was different. She had a brain. We talked for hours and I told her things that I'd never told anyone else. We became inseparable and remained that way. We both did better in school than we ever did before. I was flying high for the entire school year. Our relationship wasn't perfect, but at the time it was the best thing that I'd ever known. Her mom was a born again religious nut who was convinced that my family's money must have come from being in the mafia. The more she tried to talk to her mom about how much she cared for me the more they fought. Eventually the strain became too great and we broke up the summer before I went to college. I took it badly. My life was again beyond my control and a deep hatred for her mother developed inside of me. I had started to believe that maybe I could have good things in my life, but that was all taken away. With out Jen's presence to temper my behaviors I was soon acting out again. More girls, more booze, and something new... drugs.
Starting with my first year of college, the next 10 years were a blur of drugs, bars, and self centered fear / pity. I accomplished very little and lost myself in the scene. Jen and I got back together, but I was too focused on protecting myself to believe that it could really ever work again. My behaviors and my addiction steadily progressed and got worse. I dropped out of many colleges. I quit dozens of jobs. I tried at very little and succeeded at nothing. I expected to fail and I did. I met Victoria and I slowed down for awhile. After about a year into our relationship she "cheated" on me (no reason to throw rocks). It hurt, but I wasn't surprised because the pattern of my life is that it's beyond my control. Don't get too comfortable, Tom. The rest of the story is yet to be revealed. The shitty part is right around the corner. The sky will fall.
I stumbled along for another few years by medicating my wounds and dulling my thoughts. I was close to 30 and had nothing. I started to panic that I'd eventually be pennyless and homeless. I tried to bury myself into building a business, but that eventually collapsed as I always feared it would. That was the last straw. I completely stopped trying. I stopped fighting. I stumbled around until the pain / repercussions got so great that even laying in a bed watching tv being drunk and high all day didn't offer any relief. I couldn't take anymore pain or disappointment. I had nothing. I was nothing. I wanted to die.
I'll finish this another time...
There is a lot more to come as time allows. As you've seen not every post will be this... dark. Sharing the above took more work than I imagined it would. There are so many details that are missing. This isn't my whole story, but it's enough for today.
I remember being in bed at some point that night trying to make sense of what had happened. I went over the details obsessively. I realized that at some point I stopped asking him not to hit me, I stopped saying that I was sorry, and I stopped covering myself up. I just laid there and listened to the deep thud of his fists when they connected. I remembered the impacts and how my little body jerked around with each one. That night is the earliest memory I have of thinking that my life was out of my control. I was so scared to get out of bed that I pissed myself rather than go to the bathroom. I couldn't sleep, I was soaked with piss, and I just couldn't stop crying. I felt that regardless of what I did there would always be some overwhelming fault. I looked back on my young life and saw all the examples of how these flaws were called to my attention and my Father's reactions to them. I loved that man more than anyone else on the planet and I constantly failed to earn any consistent praise regardless of how hard I tried or what I did. Although I was only a little guy at the time, I changed that night. I stopped trying to give 100% to anything and I stopped doing everything that he didn't deem to be worthwhile. I accepted whatever result my limited effort would yield.
Through my adolescence and early teens, I didn't have a passion for anything. I disappointed on a consistent basis, but I knew that I would because I had already resigned myself to mediocrity. I did well enough not to be bothered. When I got frustrated with my unhappiness I drank and acted out sexually as a release. I was a fucked up little kid. When my best friend moved away and I wound up being the only kid from elementary school to attend my high school it was beyond my ability to cope. I missed most of the first 3 months of school by pretending to be sick. My father took me for every medical test, but this only added to my anxiety. I was sure that when the doctors couldn't find anything wrong and everyone would figure out that I was faking it and then there would be more beatings. Nothing happened though. There was no talk about faking or what I was feeling. My parents just picked a day that I was to go back to school and I went. My high school entrance exam grades were high enough that I was in all honors classes. Even though those kids all knew each other they (the geeks) weren't as cliquey as I expected them to be so I blended in with out much effort. I didn't want to be a geek or a nerd though. I wanted to be popular. When baseball season came around my high school experience started to change. I went to parties where I drank and got laid. Eventually I made one real friend and that's only because he befriended me. I was consumed with not letting anyone get to know me because I felt that the more they knew the easier it would be to find fault. I found my niche at some point. I was the jock and I was the honors guy. I did enough at each to retain my place holder. I became a legend with the amount that I could drink. Girls came and went. It was a tolerable existence.
The afternoon that I met Jen, wasn't out of the ordinary. She was blond and cute, but so were a lot of other girls. Within the first hour it was clear that she was different. She had a brain. We talked for hours and I told her things that I'd never told anyone else. We became inseparable and remained that way. We both did better in school than we ever did before. I was flying high for the entire school year. Our relationship wasn't perfect, but at the time it was the best thing that I'd ever known. Her mom was a born again religious nut who was convinced that my family's money must have come from being in the mafia. The more she tried to talk to her mom about how much she cared for me the more they fought. Eventually the strain became too great and we broke up the summer before I went to college. I took it badly. My life was again beyond my control and a deep hatred for her mother developed inside of me. I had started to believe that maybe I could have good things in my life, but that was all taken away. With out Jen's presence to temper my behaviors I was soon acting out again. More girls, more booze, and something new... drugs.
Starting with my first year of college, the next 10 years were a blur of drugs, bars, and self centered fear / pity. I accomplished very little and lost myself in the scene. Jen and I got back together, but I was too focused on protecting myself to believe that it could really ever work again. My behaviors and my addiction steadily progressed and got worse. I dropped out of many colleges. I quit dozens of jobs. I tried at very little and succeeded at nothing. I expected to fail and I did. I met Victoria and I slowed down for awhile. After about a year into our relationship she "cheated" on me (no reason to throw rocks). It hurt, but I wasn't surprised because the pattern of my life is that it's beyond my control. Don't get too comfortable, Tom. The rest of the story is yet to be revealed. The shitty part is right around the corner. The sky will fall.
I stumbled along for another few years by medicating my wounds and dulling my thoughts. I was close to 30 and had nothing. I started to panic that I'd eventually be pennyless and homeless. I tried to bury myself into building a business, but that eventually collapsed as I always feared it would. That was the last straw. I completely stopped trying. I stopped fighting. I stumbled around until the pain / repercussions got so great that even laying in a bed watching tv being drunk and high all day didn't offer any relief. I couldn't take anymore pain or disappointment. I had nothing. I was nothing. I wanted to die.
I'll finish this another time...
There is a lot more to come as time allows. As you've seen not every post will be this... dark. Sharing the above took more work than I imagined it would. There are so many details that are missing. This isn't my whole story, but it's enough for today.
Monday, March 19, 2012
Maybe I'll go camping after all... lol
After going on the retreat a few weeks ago, I can't get enough of these...
Okay, Joseph. Perhaps you were right ;)
And in closing...
Thank goodness for random chance and haphazard gene expression.
And in closing...
Thank goodness for random chance and haphazard gene expression.
Patience
Wow.
And on that note...
So be patient with me cuz...
Very simply. I don't want to forget what your voice sounds like.
That's a wrap. Night all.
Thursday, March 15, 2012
Beauty
It's everywhere. All I need to do is pay attention.
Sometimes the beauty is expected
Sometimes we find it due to random chance and unique circumstances
And sometimes it's personal just to me. Sigh.
More photos are available here:
http://m.theatlantic.com/infocus/2011/11/national-geographic-photo-contest-2011/100187/
Sometimes the beauty is expected
Sometimes we find it due to random chance and unique circumstances
 |
| -30 degrees Celcius!! |
And sometimes it's personal just to me. Sigh.
More photos are available here:
http://m.theatlantic.com/infocus/2011/11/national-geographic-photo-contest-2011/100187/
Wednesday, March 14, 2012
I got 99 problems, but...
I believe in God.
It’s a quasi-religious belief and it’s loosely based upon the teachings of the catholic church. There is one major exception. My God is always loving and caring. There is no wrath of God in my mind. God doesn’t test me. Could I past a test from the Creator of all things? I think not.
My God shows me a path to his grace. He doesn’t take my will and use it as His own. I’m not a marionette doll. I’m free to live anyway that I wish, but the further I get from God’s will for me the more chaotic and painful my life becomes. My God doesn’t want me to suffer. He doesn’t want me to fear anything in my past, present, or future. My God wants me to know peace and serenity. My God doesn’t trade or barter. When I pray it’s to say thank you and to let him know what’s on my mind. It’s a dialogue, as I’d have with a lover, friend, or family member. He lends me strength in the face of fear and doubt. I have faith that if my motivation is pure then I’ll be satisfied with what happens when I apply myself. I’m free to try and to fail.
Recently I realized that I'm self conscious, with people who aren’t in recovery, when discussing my belief in God and how I see Him working in my life. I've done some pretty shitty things while active and while clean. This blog is full of past postings about my deceptions and betrayal of the woman who once loved me. I have lived the life of a hypocrite. At times I think of the inmate in prison who finds God after his conviction and compare our situations. I cheated on Panthea for years and now, after being caught, return to the fellowship of NA and turn my will over to the care of God as I understand Him. Sounds familiar, right? A likely story indeed!
For 30+ years I lived with fear of failure in my scholastic, social, professional, and love life. I believed I would fail so I acted in ways that almost assured that I’d fall short. That’s what I did and why I did it. I was afraid of almost everything. I assumed that all the patterns of my life would continue. The key is that not only have I identified this, but I’ve owned my life – the fiasco. I’m the reason that the patterns continued. My part is that I kept acting the same way so the outcomes of almost everything I’ve done were already decided. I had no faith or reason to believe that things would be different so fuck it. I always had an out, an escape plan, a reason why it can’t, it won’t or it didn’t work out.
It’s irrelevant to me if any of you click away and call this post bullshit. In the coming weeks I will post things that some of you may not want to read. I’ve told my story enough that most of you already know what I’ve done and what I’m about. The posts will be long and the level of honesty will be complete. I’m going to do this for a few reasons. First, so that everything is now out in the open. It will be like reading my 4th step out in public. Second, so that I can never again lie (either through my own words or omissions) to anyone about what I’ve done and what has been done to me.
Why do this at all? I believe that secrets and fears die in the light of exposure. Over the last 6 weeks I’ve had some mind opening and heart healing experiences when I've been honest. I have a great sponsor who is patient and loving (Thank you, Raymond). He’s a salesman, a con artist, a pastor, a sexual deviant, a poet, and a street thug (you know it's true lol). I have seen proof of God’s love as it has worked through him and the other people in my life. I’ve known levels of joy that I forgot could exist for me. Step work, prayer, talks in a parking lot, social connections, friendships, loving relationships, speaking engagements, meeting commitments, open mikes, conventions, a retreat, and pleasure trips are all a part of my story the last 6 weeks. Lost dreams awaken and new possibilities arise. Learn to live a little and you’ll grow to like it a lot. Reach for something. Anything. The results may not be what you expected, but that doesn’t mean that you’ll be let down. Have a little faith
You can't connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backwards. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future. You have to trust in something - your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever. This approach has never let me down, and it has made all the difference in my life. – Steve Jobs
It’s a quasi-religious belief and it’s loosely based upon the teachings of the catholic church. There is one major exception. My God is always loving and caring. There is no wrath of God in my mind. God doesn’t test me. Could I past a test from the Creator of all things? I think not.
My God shows me a path to his grace. He doesn’t take my will and use it as His own. I’m not a marionette doll. I’m free to live anyway that I wish, but the further I get from God’s will for me the more chaotic and painful my life becomes. My God doesn’t want me to suffer. He doesn’t want me to fear anything in my past, present, or future. My God wants me to know peace and serenity. My God doesn’t trade or barter. When I pray it’s to say thank you and to let him know what’s on my mind. It’s a dialogue, as I’d have with a lover, friend, or family member. He lends me strength in the face of fear and doubt. I have faith that if my motivation is pure then I’ll be satisfied with what happens when I apply myself. I’m free to try and to fail.
Recently I realized that I'm self conscious, with people who aren’t in recovery, when discussing my belief in God and how I see Him working in my life. I've done some pretty shitty things while active and while clean. This blog is full of past postings about my deceptions and betrayal of the woman who once loved me. I have lived the life of a hypocrite. At times I think of the inmate in prison who finds God after his conviction and compare our situations. I cheated on Panthea for years and now, after being caught, return to the fellowship of NA and turn my will over to the care of God as I understand Him. Sounds familiar, right? A likely story indeed!
For 30+ years I lived with fear of failure in my scholastic, social, professional, and love life. I believed I would fail so I acted in ways that almost assured that I’d fall short. That’s what I did and why I did it. I was afraid of almost everything. I assumed that all the patterns of my life would continue. The key is that not only have I identified this, but I’ve owned my life – the fiasco. I’m the reason that the patterns continued. My part is that I kept acting the same way so the outcomes of almost everything I’ve done were already decided. I had no faith or reason to believe that things would be different so fuck it. I always had an out, an escape plan, a reason why it can’t, it won’t or it didn’t work out.
It’s irrelevant to me if any of you click away and call this post bullshit. In the coming weeks I will post things that some of you may not want to read. I’ve told my story enough that most of you already know what I’ve done and what I’m about. The posts will be long and the level of honesty will be complete. I’m going to do this for a few reasons. First, so that everything is now out in the open. It will be like reading my 4th step out in public. Second, so that I can never again lie (either through my own words or omissions) to anyone about what I’ve done and what has been done to me.
Why do this at all? I believe that secrets and fears die in the light of exposure. Over the last 6 weeks I’ve had some mind opening and heart healing experiences when I've been honest. I have a great sponsor who is patient and loving (Thank you, Raymond). He’s a salesman, a con artist, a pastor, a sexual deviant, a poet, and a street thug (you know it's true lol). I have seen proof of God’s love as it has worked through him and the other people in my life. I’ve known levels of joy that I forgot could exist for me. Step work, prayer, talks in a parking lot, social connections, friendships, loving relationships, speaking engagements, meeting commitments, open mikes, conventions, a retreat, and pleasure trips are all a part of my story the last 6 weeks. Lost dreams awaken and new possibilities arise. Learn to live a little and you’ll grow to like it a lot. Reach for something. Anything. The results may not be what you expected, but that doesn’t mean that you’ll be let down. Have a little faith
You can't connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backwards. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future. You have to trust in something - your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever. This approach has never let me down, and it has made all the difference in my life. – Steve Jobs
Tuesday, March 13, 2012
Life
Sometimes you try, but fail
Don't despair... Don't give up
Because even when you struggle and a situation goes
from bad to worse, you might succeed in the end!
Hah, look at that rump ;)
Don't despair... Don't give up
Because even when you struggle and a situation goes
from bad to worse, you might succeed in the end!
Hah, look at that rump ;)
Thursday, March 8, 2012
Wednesday, March 7, 2012
I haven't had a cigarette in 6 hours
UPDATE 03/10/2015: 3 years, 0 Months, 3 day, 2 hours and 2 minutes with out a "REAL" cigarette... though I did have another cigar New Year's Eve... still ballin'
At some point last week I decided to quit smoking... the decision lasted about an hour :) While I was smoking that first cigarette I contemplated my motivation and it hit me that repeatedly taking the byproduct of combustion into my lungs wasn't a good idea. I know what you're thinking... BLASPHEMY!!
At some point last week I decided to quit smoking... the decision lasted about an hour :) While I was smoking that first cigarette I contemplated my motivation and it hit me that repeatedly taking the byproduct of combustion into my lungs wasn't a good idea. I know what you're thinking... BLASPHEMY!!
For a long time I would have agreed with you, but clinical research tells us otherwise. At that moment of contemplation, I came to the realization that it wasn't a shorter lifespan that concerned me (although in 20 years I might feel differently) it was the idea of not being able to breathe on my own due to emphysema or some other bronchial disorder.
Okay, so I've ID'd the problem and now what? I like to smoke so why would cold turkey be different this time? It won't so I'm going to need a replacement instead of abstinence. I've tried the patch and nicotine gum through the years with out success. Using ice cream as a replacement therapy has had positive results, but the increase in girth went to all the wrong places on my body and I fear that Eucalyptus leaves might leave me with a terrible disposition (I don't care what the so called "experts" have to say about that). After mulling this over through another half pack of Marlboros, it finally hit me... electronic cigarettes.
I ordered my cig-not online last week and it arrived at the office this morning. I immediately unpacked it and tried to use it. No good. Fail. The e-cigarette needs to be charged (unlike my last 3 iPhones which were fully charged right out of the box). After about an hour and much anticipation it was finally charged. I knew what to do because I'd been watching you tube videos on the proper way to use the thing. With a half dozen people looking over the wall to my cubby I took my first pull... then coughed like a teenager having his first hit from a bowl. Everyone was hysterical. We laughed until we had tears in our eyes. Oh the best laid plans...
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